Is it stange that I enjoyed this?

[midnightdeirdre]

Summer 2001 was one of the best Summers of my life; I had finished my sophomore year of high school and was (finally!) going to be an upperclassman, (getting all that closer to graduating and going to college) and took Driver's Ed. (You all know I loathed being a kid/teenager. I finally felt like I was truly growing up.) Plus the weather that Summer was perfect ~ not hot and humid, but gorgeous.

Of course, we all know what happened that September. I'll never forget it; none of us will.

As my forum title implies...when 9/11 happened, I actually...well, enjoyed it. Why? Because I knew that a catastrophic event like that comes once in a lifetime. I just loved the fact that I knew that I was going to be able to tell people that I was around when it happened. (Like JFK's assisnation.) Naturally I took a photo of the TV set that day.

My entire life I've felt like I never fit in... when I was 14-15 I struggled with suicidal thoughts and nightmares. One morning I woke up from a nightmare so bad I hid my head in English class. Even my English teacher asked concernedly, "Are you ok?" That Summer of 2000 I finally started eating better and exercising more (my family had a pool) and that definitely helped me physically and emotionally, although it didn't fully cure me. (Hence why I finally sought professional help.)

Since I was 8 I always thought about killing myself. Had I gone through with an attempt and succeeded, I (obviously) wouldn't have been around for 9/11 and I wouldn't be here today to say, "I remember that!"

I also saw Janet Jackson's infamous "wardrobe malfunction" live at my first college; I leaned over to my friend Nadia and asked, "They allowed to show that?" Again I say, I can't help but enjoy the fact that I'm able to say, "I remember that, and I saw it when it actually happened!"

Is it strange that I enjoyed those events, and was not exactly horrified or heartbroken? (Remember my reasons. Also remember, this all happened before it was found out that I'm autistic.)

Thank you for reading and for feedback, I appreciate it ❤️

[Jaunty]

It may be a good sign that you are questioning yourself for "enjoying" a tragedy that ended so many lives and turned the world into a much different, worse place than it had been before.

You seem to lack empathy.   At the same time, you are aware of things that have hurt you, so you may be able to project that towards other people who have suffered a great loss.   Doing so would be a good step in your own personal development.

I can understand a person having some sort of feeling of excitement ... or something ... from being around during a historic event.

But just because you were alive during a tragedy?  I'm not sure how being able to claim that imparts any type of patina to your personally.   

I mean ... I imagine the majority of the people on this forum were alive on 9/11/2001.  It doesn't make us important.

[Seraphim]

I have been alive for many world tragedies and so has everyone that has ever lived . It doesn’t make our being alive better . 

[midnightdeirdre]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I can understand a person having some sort of feeling of excitement ... or something ... from being around during a historic event.

Good, thank you.  🙂  See, as I've described, I've always felt "left out" and didn't belong. When 9/11 happened it made me feel special that I was witnessing something that was (obviously) going down in history as a monumental event. (I admit I had the same feeling when Columbine happened. I was in 8th grade.)

[boltnrun]

Millions of people witnessed these exact same events as well as many other events.

[midnightdeirdre]

42 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I have been alive for many world tragedies and so has everyone that has ever lived . It doesn’t make our being alive better . 

Were you around when JFK was shot in 1963? I heard that was more shocking than 9/11.

[boltnrun]

Also, do you only "enjoy" tragedies?

[Seraphim]

11 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Were you around when JFK was shot in 1963? I heard that was more shocking than 9/11.

No, I am not that old. My mom was. But there are more catastrophes than just American ones. I am not American. 

[Starlight925]

Yes, there is something wrong to say that you enjoyed these horrific events.  
Quite frankly, it’s disturbing to read. 
Sorry, but you asked.  

[boltnrun]

What is "enjoyable" about witnessing thousands of people dying at the hands of terrorists? Or from being in a space vehicle that exploded? 

I really hope it's just a poor choice of words and you don't really "enjoy" witnessing death. 

[Seraphim]

I am thinking it might be poor choice of words . I think it is more of finding importance to her life as in saying “ I was alive when ….. “

[SooSad33]

Well, a couple things stick out for me here.

You say you've experienced suicidal ideation kinda thing and you've been dx as autistic.

Yes, some may not be able to experience 'emotions' in the right sense with this.  Good though, you've sought prof help - maybe keep on that.

Re: Emotional intelligence & autism:

Autistic people may lack the ability to recognize and label emotions, and they may have difficulty responding to social cues. This can vary from individual to individual. Cognitive empathy can be taught, so it is possible for autistic people to learn empathetic behavior. Other therapies may improve emotional empathy.

So, I will assume, you maybe were, in ways, just happy to have been around to admit you have 'experienced' such huge events in your lifetime, not that you actually 'enjoyed' it all.

 

[Seraphim]

It isn’t really that Autistic people don’t have empathy . The vast majority do, it is expressed differently. 
 

My son is hugely empathetic and he is Autistic. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

, I've always felt "left out" and didn't belong. When 9/11 happened it made me feel special that I was witnessing something that was (obviously) going down in history.

People come together during some tragedies so you're misinterpreting this. If you enjoy history, that's fine. History consists of world events that can be tragic like wars and or human achievements like landing on the moon. 

Start looking up historical events. If you enjoy world events and their meaning and significance. They obviously affect everyone otherwise they wouldn't have made history. 

[midnightdeirdre]

19 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am thinking it might be poor choice of words . I think it is more of finding importance to her life as in saying “ I was alive when ….. “

Yes, this.  👍

[midnightdeirdre]

20 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

you maybe were, in ways, just happy to have been around to admit you have 'experienced' such huge events in your lifetime, not that you actually 'enjoyed' it all.

I repeat: yes, this.  👍 lol, thank you.

[boltnrun]

But is it only tragedies?  Or do you also feel good about witnessing positive accomplishments like Simone Biles or Michael Phelps setting Olympic records or Ketanji Brown Jackson being the first AA woman to be appointed to the Supreme Court?

[midnightdeirdre]

23 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It isn’t really that Autistic people don’t have empathy . The vast majority do, it is expressed differently. 
 

My son is hugely empathetic and he is Autistic. 

 

[Batya33]

Yes it is strange that your focus is on yourself. Did it occur to you to help the victims ?  I did with time and money and emotional support. And I don’t go around bragging that I did. I have a few times spoke to my son’s class around the anniversary w the work I did. To help. Do you know personally anyone who lost a loved one that day. Or waited for hours not knowing if their loved one made it out of the building? I do like sharing that my dad took me to the top of one of the towers in the 70s and I had a first kiss there in 1987 and I ate at the restaurant there in the 80s. That’s fun to share and reminisce about. I had to lie to my son the first time he saw the new freedom tower being built. He was around 5 and too young to be told IMO. I told him the truth a few years later. That’s how very awful it was. It doesn’t make you important at all.  I’m not important because I helped. It was the very very least I could do.

You know my friend missed a voicemail from her husband that day.
She was in the shower. He died. She gave birth to their first child after. Do you think the child would have preferred her dad was late for work that day and have her dad or do you think she liked being so important??

Yes it’s creepy to me.  As someone else said - you asked. 

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But is it only tragedies?  Or do you also feel good about witnessing positive accomplishments like Simone Biles or Michael Phelps setting Olympic records or Ketanji Brown Jackson being the first AA woman to be appointed to the Supreme Court?

I think she is looking for an international relevance . 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I think she is looking for an international relevance . 

9/11 took place on American soil and the Challenger disaster took place on an American space shuttle.  The Olympics are an international sports competition, so that would qualify as international relevance (IMO.)

Midnight, I am presuming you are American but I could be incorrect.  

[midnightdeirdre]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it is strange that your focus is on yourself. Did it occur to you to help the victims ?  I did with time and money and emotional support. And I don’t go around bragging that I did. I have a few times spoke to my son’s class around the anniversary w the work I did. To help. Do you know personally anyone who lost a loved one that day. Or waited for hours not knowing if their loved one made it out of the building? I do like sharing that my dad took me to the top of one of the towers in the 70s and I had a first kiss there in 1987 and I ate at the restaurant there in the 80s. That’s fun to share and reminisce about. I had to lie to my son the first time he saw the new freedom tower being built. He was around 5 and too young to be told IMO. I told him the truth a few years later. That’s how very awful it was. It doesn’t make you important at all.  I’m not important because I helped. It was the very very least I could do.

You know my friend missed a voicemail from her husband that day.
She was in the shower. He died. She gave birth to their first child after. Do you think the child would have preferred her dad was late for work that day and have her dad or do you think she liked being so important??

Yes it’s creepy to me.  As someone else said - you asked. 

Yes, believe me I donate regularly to various charities and to my local food pantry. And my father is a retired fireman so yes I can imagine the fear and terror they experienced and the sorrow their families felt.   ;(

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Yes, believe me I donate regularly to various charities and to my local food pantry. And my father is a retired fireman so yes I can imagine the fear and terror they experienced and the sorrow their families felt.   ;(

Please thank your father for his service. I can’t imagine. I just can’t. Sorrow was not just families. It was friends. Coworkers. I don’t think you can imagine. 

[Seraphim]

59 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

9/11 took place on American soil and the Challenger disaster took place on an American space shuttle.  The Olympics are an international sports competition, so that would qualify as international relevance (IMO.)

Midnight, I am presuming you are American but I could be incorrect.  

I understand but the two other events are internationally known. The Olympics, yes , internationally known but typically people care about their own country’s athletes. 

[MissCanuck]

Nobody is going to be impressed by you for being a "witness" (so to speak) of a significant tragedy. 

It doesn't lend you any importance, in other words.