Need some advice about bf and taking a "break"

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

You're a lot more into him than vice versa, which is why you're making excuses for him and trying to suggest his behavior is reasonable. 

Yup, it's quite common actually.  I posted about it on a different thread.  

Telling yourself stories to soothe the disappointment and hurt versus facing the reality that's it's not happening for him and he's on his way out.

I'm sorry too.  

[Bugie78]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Also in the old days the gentleman picked up his date at home and took her home. So my dad who went to college full time and worked at his parents store and studied and had no vehicle would take public transportation all across town to pick up my mother and take her to dinner - they had no money to speak of so would be pizza or sometimes Chinese food then go all the way back to take her to her door. 
When I worked really late nights at the office - no telework possible - my boyfriend would come by when I took a short dinner breaks and we’d grab dinner in the break room and often I’d be so tired and all but he just wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him. 

he lives 40 min away from me. I am too nice of a person to let him come all this way in order to go back to his place and back. No seriously he keeps telling me he doesn't mind, but I am stubborn and I rather not let him come all this way to pick me up. I drive to see him, and he drives to see me. We share responsibilities, I feel too much of a burden to let him do all the heavy tasks. He does pay for all my food though and tickets if the tickets aren't too expensive. However he once did in fact pick me up at my house to drive an hour away to a concert. And it was a lot of driving for one night I felt bad. 

[Bugie78]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yup, it's quite common actually.  I posted about it on a different thread.  

Telling yourself stories to soothe the disappointment and hurt versus facing the reality that's it's not happening for him and he's on his way out.

I'm sorry too.  

there is no stories T_T. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, Bugie78 said:

there is no stories T_T. 

Making excuses for his behavior like @Andrinaposted but ok. 

 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Bugie78 said:

. He contacted me Saturday like he said he would to ask how I been doing and next day he was sending me pictures of all the different things he saw that day. Then monday after I got back from the city, we talked on the phone for 24 minutes and he seemed genuinly concern with how I am doing. 

It seems like you are giving him the space he needs and he's staying in touch.  That's ok. Just stay in touch and see what happens. There's no reason to go on and on about your schedules because that's not the problem. The issue, he claims, is his mental health. So all you can do is what you're doing. 

[Bugie78]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you are giving him the space he needs and he's staying in touch.  That's ok. Just stay in touch and see what happens. There's no reason to go on and on about your schedules because that's not the problem. The issue, he claims, is his mental health. So all you can do is what you're doing. 

THANK YOU! Finally someone gets it.  Fun fact apparently my parents when they first started dating they didn't see each other every week. And guess what? They been married 30+ years. Idk why some are so focus on that tiny bit of the story. 

[Bugie78]

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Making excuses for his behavior like @Andrinaposted but ok. 

 

they aren't excuses. He treated me the best out of every single person I have dated. He even admitted he doesn't want any negative (breaking up) outcomes to this break either. (just talked to him about this)

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Bugie78 said:

Finally someone gets it. 

This^ was unnecessary.  We are ALL here trying to help you, we all "get it," and have all said the same thing in different words.

Step back, give him space, leave him alone, let him come to you. 

In my experience, a "break" means "break up."   That's all, YOU created the thread asking and I and all of us are answering.   

I'm sorry most responses aren't to your liking but we all get it, I assure you.  

All the best. 

[Kwothe28]

26 minutes ago, Bugie78 said:

Fun fact apparently my parents when they first started dating they didn't see each other every week.

Another copium. "Couple X did it and made it so its OK that he was tired and had no time to see me".

25 minutes ago, Bugie78 said:

He treated me the best out of every single person I have dated.

Which still doesnt reflect the overall quality of the relationship. Your other exes were maybe just bad or even abusive. Just because he is a tad above that, doesnt mean its a good relationship. After all, he left you. Oh sorry, "you are on the break" like in "Friends" TV show.

When we are in the relationship, that relationship shouldnt put a strain on us. But should enchance our overall life. It means that your relationship should have take his mind about his overall issues and be "the light of the day" for him. And instead he felt that its OK to break up so he could dedicate more time to himself. Even though you just saw each other once a week. He felt that seeing you once a week is too much for him to the point you are taking a break. Imagine if he had to see you almost every day. And how he would handle that when he couldnt handle your relationship once a week. You are lucky to get out of this one. Stop defending him and take care of yourself more. You got time for that now.

[Cherylyn]

He doesn't sound stable which would make me feel unsteady and nervous.  I'm not you but if it were me,  I'd let him go so he can take the longest break his heart desires. 

You deserve better.  Don't play games with men.  Make sure they're on solid footing and secure because this mindset will make you feel secure, too. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

He doesn't sound stable which would make me feel unsteady and nervous.  I'm not you but if it were me,  I'd let him go so he can take the longest break his heart desires. 

You deserve better.  Don't play games with men.  Make sure they're on solid footing and secure because this mindset will make you feel secure, too. 

Also - if he truly wanted to be with you he absolutely would not risk telling you he doesn't know when he will see you again - risk letting his special person feel unwanted or look elsewhere -when he said that -if you now hang on - that's a huge turn off - he will know you'll tolerate being an afterthought, waiting around like an eager puppy till he's ready to deign to see you.

It's fine to have a relationship with a once a week date - if that works for both people.  So how's it working now -you want to see him and he doesn't want to see  you -and doesn't know when he will want to?

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Also - if he truly wanted to be with you he absolutely would not risk telling you he doesn't know when he will see you again - risk letting his special person feel unwanted or look elsewhere -when he said that -if you now hang on - that's a huge turn off - he will know you'll tolerate being an afterthought, waiting around like an eager puppy till he's ready to deign to see you.

It's fine to have a relationship with a once a week date - if that works for both people.  So how's it working now -you want to see him and he doesn't want to see  you -and doesn't know when he will want to?

Yes,  he sounds like a flake and very unreliable.  ☹️

[Bugie78]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ was unnecessary.  We are ALL here trying to help you, we all "get it," and have all said the same thing in different words.

Step back, give him space, leave him alone, let him come to you. 

In my experience, a "break" means "break up."   That's all, YOU created the thread asking and I and all of us are answering.   

I'm sorry most responses aren't to your liking but we all get it, I assure you.  

All the best. 

when I said that it was in reference to people jumping to the seeing eachother once a week being a red flag thing. Which is NOT what this was about. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Bugie78 said:

when I said that it was in reference to people jumping to the seeing eachother once a week being a red flag thing. Which is NOT what this was about. 

You should read my recent posts on other threads or my own thread, once a week is ideal for me!!  Perfect actually.

Doesn't mean I'm not crazy about him or that I'm commitment-averse.

I just love missing him, I'm not big on "togetherness" so I do get that part.  :))

Togetherness in spirit, and feeling connected - yes definitely!!

That said, I don't think that's what's happening with your boyfriend/ex, it's something else otherwise he wouldn't be needing a break. 

JMO.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this tough moment. 

I am by nature a dreamer, a romantic, and an optimist—along with someone who has a very high threshold for physical and emotional discomfort. In that, I'm tempted to tell you what I suspect you want to hear: stay still, stay strong, and it'll likely pan out as you long for. 

And, hey, it might. I'm hoping it does for you. 

But some things to think about in this purgatory: Do you want to be creating a dynamic—with him, in romance in general—where stress is dealt with via "breaks"? Or do you want to be creating a dynamic where life—in all its glories and hardships—is something that can coexist alongside a relationship?

 

 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

I suggested it because I know very well how stress affects relationships

You don't think a couple can work through this together?

10 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

If you are truly meant to be together then the break will in fact make couples stronger in the end.

I have yet to see that play out in reality. 

Look, I think there is a vast difference between needing some breathing room to gather oneself, and taking a break altogether. The latter is damages the foundation of a relationship, and as you can see, has not been very effective here either. 

Having said that, I don't think he was going to stick around anyway, sadly. He was backing out of the relationship and you simply showed him the exit hatch. 

[MissCanuck]

Can I ask how old both of you are, OP?

[boltnrun]

I'm guessing you either suggested this "break" because you were hoping he would say "no, of course I don't want a break, I love you!" or because you thought that being "cool" would make him see how awesome you are. I'm guessing you didn't really want this "break". 

Instead you gave him permission to leave the relationship without a messy breakup conversation. He gets to feel good about how it ended. And since you were "cool" about it he can continue to message or call only when he feels like it with no obligations. 

And yes, I'm sure he wants to make sure you are still OK with this "break" and of course he probably cares if you're OK. But is he making plans to end this "break" and see you again? 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/20/2023 at 9:43 PM, Bugie78 said:

. He’s 28, I’m 26. He was recently diagnosed with adhd and is now taking meds, which is stressful in itself.  he’s gonna need a procedure done and it’s his first time under anesthesia so that’s stressful too. 

There seems to be a lot on his mind, but you're staying in touch so a little space for him to adjust to the medication and stress of needing a procedure may be why he's been preoccupied with things. He lives with his mother so he has some local support. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm guessing you either suggested this "break" because you were hoping he would say "no, of course I don't want a break, I love you!" or because you thought that being "cool" would make him see how awesome you are. I'm guessing you didn't really want this "break". 

Instead you gave him permission to leave the relationship without a messy breakup conversation. He gets to feel good about how it ended. And since you were "cool" about it he can continue to message or call only when he feels like it with no obligations. 

And yes, I'm sure he wants to make sure you are still OK with this "break" and of course he probably cares if you're OK. But is he making plans to end this "break" and see you again? 

Completely totally 100% agree with this^. 

To add, making sure you're okay = the less guilty he feels. 

OP how much experience do you have dating?  Is he your first boyfriend?

[Batya33]

OP I made excuses like this when I was your age. So in love with my bf and then it was on and off - his choice - when I was almost 26.  He was 25.  You know he did come back to me.  Committed. He even proposed with a ring when I was almost 27. Something told me to say no. Something told me his emotional distance from me too often meant I’d be lonely married to him.  Once I was not so over the moon crazy head over heels I started to feel this way. 
But - he - proposed right ? He did act into me a lot of the time.  Awesome chemistry and sex too. 
10 years after we broke up I found out why. Those years in his early to mid 20s he was quietly struggling. He knew he was gay and didn’t want to be gay. He told no one and I’d never have guessed in a zillion years. 
He told me this over coffee in 2003. I knew for sure he’d been faithful and I was the last woman he was with. He was so very happy with his partner - together 25 years now and married. Same year I married my husband. Guess what. To my knowledge he never needed a break from him and they have had many stressful situations. 
Because they are right together. We were not so any stress or whatever triggered a break up or emotional distance. Luckily I knew to say no. He’d wanted to get living a normal life. So much stigma back then   as compared to now. 
I know your Bf is not gay. But if he wants an actual break because of life stress he’s not your person. Maybe in years from now. Either he’s unavailable in general or unavailable to you. Who cares. Stop wasting these precious years. 
 

[Bugie78]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Completely totally 100% agree with this^. 

To add, making sure you're okay = the less guilty he feels. 

OP how much experience do you have dating?  Is he your first boyfriend?

he's my 5th. Not my first at all.

[Bugie78]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OP I made excuses like this when I was your age. So in love with my bf and then it was on and off - his choice - when I was almost 26.  He was 25.  You know he did come back to me.  Committed. He even proposed with a ring when I was almost 27. Something told me to say no. Something told me his emotional distance from me too often meant I’d be lonely married to him.  Once I was not so over the moon crazy head over heels I started to feel this way. 
But - he - proposed right ? He did act into me a lot of the time.  Awesome chemistry and sex too. 
10 years after we broke up I found out why. Those years in his early to mid 20s he was quietly struggling. He knew he was gay and didn’t want to be gay. He told no one and I’d never have guessed in a zillion years. 
He told me this over coffee in 2003. I knew for sure he’d been faithful and I was the last woman he was with. He was so very happy with his partner - together 25 years now and married. Same year I married my husband. Guess what. To my knowledge he never needed a break from him and they have had many stressful situations. 
Because they are right together. We were not so any stress or whatever triggered a break up or emotional distance. Luckily I knew to say no. He’d wanted to get living a normal life. So much stigma back then   as compared to now. 
I know your Bf is not gay. But if he wants an actual break because of life stress he’s not your person. Maybe in years from now. Either he’s unavailable in general or unavailable to you. Who cares. Stop wasting these precious years. 
 

he's older then me though. And like I said I was the one to suggest, he even admitted he never took a break before. We do plan on seeing eachother again and agree it to only being a 1-2 weeks. He never was emotionally distant with me. He tells me all his struggles and stress that's why he needs space to gather his mind together. He literally asked to talk to me at a mall and he let off all his struggles he been having it's not emotional distance when a guy tells you his struggles. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, Bugie78 said:

he's my 5th. Not my first at all.

Then how do you not know this stuff already?

Break = break up.

It's me, not you. 

Wanting you to be okay = feels less guilty when he makes his final exit. 

I mean it's just so predictable.  And read @boltnrunpost again. Especially re being the "cool" girl, the "understanding" girl. 

This is NOT the way to a man heart.  It's you being a pushover and doormat and not respecting yourself.  Trust me, he won't either. 

Look I'm not even judging, I've been where you are!  And I learned from it. 

[Bugie78]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm guessing you either suggested this "break" because you were hoping he would say "no, of course I don't want a break, I love you!" or because you thought that being "cool" would make him see how awesome you are. I'm guessing you didn't really want this "break". 

Instead you gave him permission to leave the relationship without a messy breakup conversation. He gets to feel good about how it ended. And since you were "cool" about it he can continue to message or call only when he feels like it with no obligations. 

And yes, I'm sure he wants to make sure you are still OK with this "break" and of course he probably cares if you're OK. But is he making plans to end this "break" and see you again? 

ofc I didn't want this break, but neither did he. He even said this to me. We never ended and are still together he literally texts me every day other then the one week we had no contact. He even admitted he doesn't want any negative outcomes to this too. I want him to feel like he can make his own choice and want him to not feel any pressure. We most likely are going to see each other again.