Need some advice about bf and taking a "break"

[Bugie78]

Hey guys, so I am new here, because google isn't helping me solve this. But anyways I been dating this amazing guy for 5 months. We been going on dates every Saturday. Recently, he became distant a little, and felt he wasn't fair to me, even though I thought he was. And he's been going through issues outside of our relationship with his friend distancing himself from him, and with medical issues going on, as well as work stress, and I was the one that offered a break if he thinks that will help. Well he liked the idea, so we been taking a break. It's been 1 week break, and we agreed on no contact for 1 week and texting again saturday. Which is what we did. He did in fact text me saturday.

Then he asked me if I would like to talk on the phone to catch up on stuff, so because of our schedules we just had the phone call now. To sum it up, he been working on himself, going to the gym and stuff, and he wanted to know how I was doing, and how I was feeling which I admitted that as good as I can be, which I mean that very upset about it but trying to be calm about it and what not by distracting myself with other stuff. And his friend issue is still a thing, so because I am on the autism spectrum I tried to reassure him or relate to that struggle because people on the spectrum like myself, struggle in the friend department big time. He seemed quiet about that too which I think I accidently upset him which wasn't my intentions. (yes I already apologized and explained),

BEFORE the whole friend thing, he also admitted that apparently he's also trying to come to terms that this is the longest relationship he has had or at least in a while, and he explained how his ex was very controlling and what not which like I am not controlling at all, and he knows this, but he did say this during our talk. I was bold and asked him if there is a chance we will see each other this weekend but to my heartache, he said he is playing it by year about how he feels because he is still trying to work on himself or his stress and stuff. Of course he kept asking if I was fine, which like I am, but deep down I feel so much hurt that tears won't even come to the surface but I can feel it in my core especially because I miss him so freaking much and just feel very incomplete.

Does anyone have any advice for this that will ease my worries or maybe even happen to you and if things worked out. Like how do things like this work out? I am so scared, and nervous. I really really like him. And can use helpful advice please. Sorry this was so long it was a lot. 

[Batya33]

I think since you feel attached as much as you do I would consider this to be a break up. It's a lame excuse "working on oneself" -the "work" he is doing can of course be done while he is dating you.  Stress is part of life.  Medical issues are part of life and very often it brings a couple closer together.  He readily agreed to a break because he already was doing the slow fade-already was unsure about the potential with you so this way he could look like the good guy and jump at the chance of keeping you around as a plan B in case he realizes he made a "mistake" and he now knows you're still so very into him - I mean you wanted to see him a week into this "break." 

Yes sometimes people take a break and come back together -it's when both people mutually decide they need space from each other for a specific amount of time -when they won't date others - and they will connect in a month or so and see where they are.  Mutually. I did that - I mean - we did reconnect but honestly it was the start of a rocky on/off relationship for years.  Neither of us dated anyone else while apart.  I missed him a lot and he missed me and ---- that wasn't enough to sustain us for the long term.  

He is trying to set up ways towards a break up - his comments and his not wanting to see you are actions consistent with more distance. And he can't even tell you when.  Let him "play it by ear" - tell him -that's fine - when you're done playing and if you feel you can be a person who has his own life and a life with me - call me and if I'm still interested and available I'll consider it."

[SooSad33]

I suggest you keep your own self busy in the meantime.  In this situation, I feel he isn't exactly saying he is done with you & this relationship, but he IS quite stressed & just needs a breather maybe, to get his thoughts processed, etc.

Look at it this way, he msg'd you/ spoke to you on the weekend, which is good! 🙂 .

So, can you go hang with friends/family more for now?  How about Xmas stuff?  Decorate, shop, wrap, bake etc?  Keep busy and remember to take care of YOU in this as well.

if he needs a breather ( some down time), let him have it.  I feel, in time he will come around again. Sometimes, guys need that ( to go to their mancave) 😉 . Without pressures or guilt.

No one knows for sure - but one thing is, that saying 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder'. IF he is truly into you, he'll be back.

Wishing you the best. 🙂 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you both work? Live with parents or alone or with roommates? How did you meet? 

Is he recently broken up or on/off with his ex? What types of stress, health and other problems does he have?

Unfortunately it seems he's trying to break up, but doesn't want to hurt you so is sort of fading out with the "busy, stressed, etc." explanation. 

All you can do is give him space and see if he contacts you. 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

he also admitted that apparently he's also trying to come to terms that this is the longest relationship he has had or at least in a while

Unless he's extremely young, like 19 or 20, this was a big red flag in itself, that he can't manage to last in a relationship past 4 or 5 months. Sounds like he likes to get to the part of being intimate, but then when things need to move to the next level, he doesn't want to put in the sort of effort that requires.

As another poster said, stress is a regular part of anyone's life, and after almost half a year together, a partner should be someone you can feel comforted by when stressors happen.

Sounds like your relationship has never even taken off as it should have. Only seeing each other once a week? That's stagnant unless your work schedules are so opposite from one another to make getting together almost impossible.

He totally agreed with the break, and his heart probably gave a happy little leap that it was your idea, plus the distance might mean less drama from you, and that things could go peacefully by the wayside.

You should have some self-worth and expect better from a partner. Take the reins in your own hands and tell him the relationship isn't working for you. The right guy won't need breaks from you, and will never let you go--not even once.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Unless he's extremely young, like 19 or 20, this was a big red flag in itself, that he can't manage to last in a relationship past 4 or 5 months. Sounds like he likes to get to the part of being intimate, but then when things need to move to the next level, he doesn't want to put in the sort of effort that requires.

As another poster said, stress is a regular part of anyone's life, and after almost half a year together, a partner should be someone you can feel comforted by when stressors happen.

Sounds like your relationship has never even taken off as it should have. Only seeing each other once a week? That's stagnant unless your work schedules are so opposite from one another to make getting together almost impossible.

He totally agreed with the break, and his heart probably gave a happy little leap that it was your idea, plus the distance might mean less drama from you, and that things could go peacefully by the wayside.

You should have some self-worth and expect better from a partner. Take the reins in your own hands and tell him the relationship isn't working for you. The right guy won't need breaks from you, and will never let you go--not even once.

I echo this, awesome post. 👌 

[Bugie78]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Unless he's extremely young, like 19 or 20, this was a big red flag in itself, that he can't manage to last in a relationship past 4 or 5 months. Sounds like he likes to get to the part of being intimate, but then when things need to move to the next level, he doesn't want to put in the sort of effort that requires.

As another poster said, stress is a regular part of anyone's life, and after almost half a year together, a partner should be someone you can feel comforted by when stressors happen.

Sounds like your relationship has never even taken off as it should have. Only seeing each other once a week? That's stagnant unless your work schedules are so opposite from one another to make getting together almost impossible.

He totally agreed with the break, and his heart probably gave a happy little leap that it was your idea, plus the distance might mean less drama from you, and that things could go peacefully by the wayside.

You should have some self-worth and expect better from a partner. Take the reins in your own hands and tell him the relationship isn't working for you. The right guy won't need breaks from you, and will never let you go--not even once.

We have no choice but to see each other once a week. He works Monday-Friday. I work with animals so I’m forced to work on at least one weekend day and chose Sunday. And I been working 5 days as well. It’s the only day we both have all day wide open. 
 

he’s also 28. I’m 26. He’s also that rare type of guy that doesn’t get into that type of intimacy that fast. 
 

but in regards to his stress, he has ADHD like me. And with ADHD comes difficult managing stressful situations. It wasn’t new or suprisingly stuff he’s been ranting about the stress for a bit. Not the whole time but a bit. We actually never had any drama that would cause this. And so far he’s been very open and honest with me. 

[Bugie78]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you both work? Live with parents or alone or with roommates? How did you meet? 

Is he recently broken up or on/off with his ex? What types of stress, health and other problems does he have?

Unfortunately it seems he's trying to break up, but doesn't want to hurt you so is sort of fading out with the "busy, stressed, etc." explanation. 

All you can do is give him space and see if he contacts you. 

I mean I doubt it’s a excuse because he’s been talking about this for a bit now. His medical stress is very valid because his dad literally died of brain cancer when he was a teen. We both work. He works Monday-Friday and my work varies but I always keep Saturday open. I’m force to work one weekend day as I work with animals. But I usually work 4-5 days a week. He’s 28, I’m 26. He lives with his mom but he’s planning on moving out in the spring with his guy friend. Ironically the place he’s planning on moving is actually closer to me. He was recently diagnosed with adhd and is now taking meds, which is stressful in itself. His dad died when he was young from brain cancer, and one of his closes friends is literally being distant with him and this is upsetting him a lot. It’s not new stuff that he’s been saying. We met on bumble. And nope he hasn’t with a ex. (At least not to my knowledge but I’m 99.9% sure he’s not) he did in fact contact me after week break to ask how I’m feeling so it seems he’s genuinely concern with how I’m doing about this. He also was asking what I been doing and gave me updated that he’s gonna need a procedure done and it’s his first time under anesthesia so that’s stressful too. 

[Bugie78]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I suggest you keep your own self busy in the meantime.  In this situation, I feel he isn't exactly saying he is done with you & this relationship, but he IS quite stressed & just needs a breather maybe, to get his thoughts processed, etc.

Look at it this way, he msg'd you/ spoke to you on the weekend, which is good! 🙂 .

So, can you go hang with friends/family more for now?  How about Xmas stuff?  Decorate, shop, wrap, bake etc?  Keep busy and remember to take care of YOU in this as well.

if he needs a breather ( some down time), let him have it.  I feel, in time he will come around again. Sometimes, guys need that ( to go to their mancave) 😉 . Without pressures or guilt.

No one knows for sure - but one thing is, that saying 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder'. IF he is truly into you, he'll be back.

Wishing you the best. 🙂 

 

Thank you for being optimistic 🥺 I appreciate that. I feel ppl jump to the worst conclusion without actually knowning them personally. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

Thank you for being optimistic 🥺 I appreciate that. I feel ppl jump to the worst conclusion without actually knowning them personally. 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I too think he's on his way out. My sense is he feels quite a bit of pressure from the relationship, doing his damnest to make you happy and  feel "complete" but it's too much and he's exhausted.  

Again just my sense, but your comment...

5 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

I miss him so freaking much and just feel very incomplete.

It's fine to miss him, I happen to LOVE missing my boyfriend, I love that feeling of missing him!

But you shouldn't be feeling "incomplete" without him or if it ends.  Again that's a lot of pressure you're placing on him. 

Learn to become 'whole and complete' on your own, with or without him or any boyfriend.

A relationship should enhance your already happy and complete life, NOT "be" your life.  Again, too much pressure. 

If you feel insecure or off balance about him and/or your relationship, discuss with a friend or therapist.  NOT your boyfriend, imo.

@SooSad33gave great advice, step back.  Show him through your actions and attitude (not words) that no matter what happens, you will be OKAY.

That will take much of the pressure off. He may begin missing you too and find his way back to you.  Possibly.

Good luck, keep us posted. 

 

[lostandhurt]

Let's assume that everything he has said is completely true and valid.  Where does that leave the relationship and you?

 Look forward another 6 months and he freaks out again and cannot handle day to day life and coming up on 1 year relationship.  Is this a roller coaster you want to be on?

 Sometimes people are not ready or ever suited to be in a relationship for what ever reasons because they simply cannot cope with life and having someone else along for the ride is nice and comforting at first but then turns into one more thing they have to manage in their life.

 I have dated women that seemed awesome at first but I soon realized their lives were a mess and really had no business dating until the mess was cleaned up but it never seemed to move in that direction. 

Both of your conditions could be a wonderful compliment where you understand each others struggles and can be there for each other as best as you can but unfortunately he seems more of a run away type instead of a stay and fight type.

 Since you really like this guy play it cool with him, stay busy and let him miss you.  No texts or phone calls initiated by you and see how things play out.  If he feels strongly for you he will see you slipping away and do something about it.  In the end he will help you decide what to do by his actions.

  Lost

[MissCanuck]

When someone is already distancing themselves after just 5 months and needs a break to "work on" themselves, the relationship is probably over. 

I'm sorry, OP.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

Like how do things like this work out?

They dont?! My friend called me the other day. Says that he has become anxious. He has wife and kids, job that takes a lot of his time and no time to dedicate to himself anymore. So the stress accumulated and he has become anxious. But his "go to" isnt to leave his family so he could work on the issues. And he would work it with doctors and everybody. But your guy, his "go to" was to leave you(Oh I am sorry "take a break") and has more time for his friends, gym, etc. And that after 5 months. 

Some people are not for the relationship. Which does require you to dedicate yourself and your time to it. So naturally you have less time for yourself, for your friends etc. Its all natural part of having a relationship. Hence why some people relax, gain weight, even lose friends while in one. But some cant bear that part. They want to have more free time to go out, to have their friends with them etc. So the relationship is only a drag to them. You stumbled upon one of those specimens. And I am afraid there is nothing to do there but break up and distance yourself from him.

[Bugie78]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

understand each others struggles and can be there for each other as best as you can but unfortunately he seems more of a run away type instead of a stay and fight type.

 Since you really like this guy play it

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I too think he's on his way out. My sense is he feels quite a bit of pressure from the relationship, doing his damnest to make you happy and  feel "complete" but it's too much and he's exhausted.  

Again just my sense, but your comment...

It's fine to miss him, I happen to LOVE missing my boyfriend, I love that feeling of missing him!

But you shouldn't be feeling "incomplete" without him or if it ends.  Again that's a lot of pressure you're placing on him. 

Learn to become 'whole and complete' on your own, with or without him or any boyfriend.

A relationship should enhance your already happy and complete life, NOT "be" your life.  Again, too much pressure. 

If you feel insecure or off balance about him and/or your relationship, discuss with a friend or therapist.  NOT your boyfriend, imo.

@SooSad33gave great advice, step back.  Show him through your actions and attitude (not words) that no matter what happens, you will be OKAY.

That will take much of the pressure off. He may begin missing you too and find his way back to you.  Possibly.

Good luck, keep us posted. 

 

He doesn’t know that I feel incomplete though as I never actually told him that. So there isn’t that pressure. He already told me that it isn’t me or the relationship but rather things outside of the relationship 

[Batya33]

If you work Monday-Friday there's typically at least once a week you can meet for an early dinner, meet for a walk, etc -you don't work 16 hours a day do you? 

He is not rare at all to wait to have sex.  Many people do.  Men and women.  What is rarer is his pattern of bowing out after a couple of months. 

Here's what I'm optimistic about -once you're no longer tied down to this fake arrangement where he bails because he's in the middle of life's stresses - you then have your options to meet people who run towards, not away from their new partners when life's stresses happen.  

I get he's saying "it's not you it's this external stuff" but it's all the same - while he took his break he wanted to work out at a gym and enjoyed it - a person who is so overwhelmed they can't be with anyone wouldn't be motivated to exercise like that much less at a gym around people.  

Also what is your boundary -if you're married with a kid with him or you live together and adopt a rescue puppy- are you good with him having a stressful week at work and bailing "oh it's not you but wow this week was so stressful - my boss yelled at me and then I found out my BFF is applying for my job and he's smarter than me and and and " so let's take a break - I'll help you find a dog sitter because I know you have to work this weekend and let's chat next week - I have my pilates class at 6pm so let's say - 7:30 while I'm on my way home??? Because that's what he's  telling you (or he's using it as an excuse -he is fried and stressed for sure -and -I'm sorry -you are not the person he is turning to.

[Bugie78]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If you work Monday-Friday there's typically at least once a week you can meet for an early dinner, meet for a walk, etc -you don't work 16 hours a day do you? 

He is not rare at all to wait to have sex.  Many people do.  Men and women.  What is rarer is his pattern of bowing out after a couple of months. 

Here's what I'm optimistic about -once you're no longer tied down to this fake arrangement where he bails because he's in the middle of life's stresses - you then have your options to meet people who run towards, not away from their new partners when life's stresses happen.  

I get he's saying "it's not you it's this external stuff" but it's all the same - while he took his break he wanted to work out at a gym and enjoyed it - a person who is so overwhelmed they can't be with anyone wouldn't be motivated to exercise like that much less at a gym around people.  

Also what is your boundary -if you're married with a kid with him or you live together and adopt a rescue puppy- are you good with him having a stressful week at work and bailing "oh it's not you but wow this week was so stressful - my boss yelled at me and then I found out my BFF is applying for my job and he's smarter than me and and and " so let's take a break - I'll help you find a dog sitter because I know you have to work this weekend and let's chat next week - I have my pilates class at 6pm so let's say - 7:30 while I'm on my way home??? Because that's what he's  telling you (or he's using it as an excuse -he is fried and stressed for sure -and -I'm sorry -you are not the person he is turning to.

He gets off at 5:00 on Monday through Friday. I sometimes (most actually) work the PM shift which means I work from 1:00 pm to 7:30 pm. By the time I get home it’s 8:00. He also lives 40 min away. So there isn’t actually any time between to go for dinner during the week. He also gets very tired after work and sometimes even past out from exhaustion. And he actually does turn to me when he’s stressed he tells me everything about all the stress that’s how I know it’s legit. It’s not a excuse to take care of your mental health. As with the exercise thing it’s his way to cope or heal his anxiety he’s been having. A lot of ppl use excerise to cope with anxiety it’s a actual thing. We aren’t married and we don’t have a puppy. I also don’t have kids lol. 5 months is too early for marriage tbh. We don’t live together either because again we only dating 5 months. 

[Batya33]

 I work out daily for my mental and physical health. And I am a mom and a wife and have a part time job. When my husband and i were dating we worked way past 5pm. And weekends. And unpredictable hours. And intensely. Part of the time he lived close by much of the time he didn’t. We made time to see each other most of the weekend even if we were getting work done and we would meet up at night even for a short time at least once or twice a week.
Working only till 5 and you can’t meet halfway once or twice a week to work out together ?  He can’t go to the gym daily if he wants AND have a girlfriend ?? He only works till 5. 

He’s checked out. I’d distance myself so you can start to recoup and have the freedom to connect with others. Please stop making excuses. 
I didn’t suggest you get married. I suggest if after 5 months of dating he can’t manage to see you more than once a week - doesn’t choose joyfully to make the time - and already is happy to have an indefinite break he doesn’t want to be with you badly enough. And therefore. Why bother. 

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

He doesn’t know that I feel incomplete though as I never actually told him that. So there isn’t that pressure. He already told me that it isn’t me or the relationship but rather things outside of the relationship 

That is the classic  "It's me not you" line when someone breaks up with another.  It is supposed to lesson the blow so the dumpee doesn't feel worse and the dumper gets away clean.

Lost

[LINDA]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

When someone is already distancing themselves after just 5 months and needs a break to "work on" themselves, the relationship is probably over. 

I'm sorry, OP.

Too much talk but this is the exact point 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

He doesn’t know that I feel incomplete though as I never actually told him that. So there isn’t that pressure. He already told me that it isn’t me or the relationship but rather things outside of the relationship 

OK well first of all, you (or anyone) don't have to 'say' anything, people can sense anxiety, or a certain dependency, insecurity, neediness from your energy and how you interact with them. 

No words need to be spoken at all, it's the nature of your relationship.  He feels pressure from it, could almost guarantee it.

Go no contact and LIVE YOUR LIFE.  Leave him alone.  This is sage advice that was given to me and it helped me to accept, move on and heal.  

Secondly re what's bolded, that's a VERY common thing for people to say when they want out - the ole 'it's me not you'

You should know that if you have any experience at all.

I stand by my original opinion, for whatever reason and maybe it's not you overtly, but he feels pressure, he's exhausted from it, needs a break, wants out. He's done.  Best you emotionally prepare yourself for that 

I'm not trying to be negative.  But rather realistic. I've been through it, many of us have.  

Just my read on it...

[Andrina]

My husband and I worked very similar schedules to what you're describing when we met, and he lived 45-55 minutes from me depending on traffic. We met up at least twice a week at the beginning and it quickly progressed to sometimes meeting 3 times a week. Someone who's really into you will strive to meet with you more than once a week, even if tired. After 3 months, you'd expect some sleepovers. Even if he's tired, you could eat a meal, watch a half hour of TV, and have the pleasure of sleeping in the same bed. Other women he's dated have probably dumped him early on because he doesn't know how to properly date and develop a satisfying relationship.

You're a lot more into him than vice versa, which is why you're making excuses for him and trying to suggest his behavior is reasonable. I'm sorry you're hurting and I know it's hard to hear what you don't want to hear. 

[Batya33]

Also in the old days the gentleman picked up his date at home and took her home. So my dad who went to college full time and worked at his parents store and studied and had no vehicle would take public transportation all across town to pick up my mother and take her to dinner - they had no money to speak of so would be pizza or sometimes Chinese food then go all the way back to take her to her door. 
When I worked really late nights at the office - no telework possible - my boyfriend would come by when I took a short dinner breaks and we’d grab dinner in the break room and often I’d be so tired and all but he just wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

He already told me that it isn’t me or the relationship but rather things outside of the relationship 

This is how you know it's not the right match. 

Barring extreme cases (and his is not one), most people lean towards their partners in difficult times. He's backing away.

20 hours ago, Bugie78 said:

I was the one that offered a break

Can I ask why you suggested this? Breaks almost always serve to make matters worse, not better. 

[Bugie78]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 I work out daily for my mental and physical health. And I am a mom and a wife and have a part time job. When my husband and i were dating we worked way past 5pm. And weekends. And unpredictable hours. And intensely. Part of the time he lived close by much of the time he didn’t. We made time to see each other most of the weekend even if we were getting work done and we would meet up at night even for a short time at least once or twice a week.
Working only till 5 and you can’t meet halfway once or twice a week to work out together ?  He can’t go to the gym daily if he wants AND have a girlfriend ?? He only works till 5. 

He’s checked out. I’d distance myself so you can start to recoup and have the freedom to connect with others. Please stop making excuses. 
I didn’t suggest you get married. I suggest if after 5 months of dating he can’t manage to see you more than once a week - doesn’t choose joyfully to make the time - and already is happy to have an indefinite break he doesn’t want to be with you badly enough. And therefore. Why bother. 

he only works till 5 who ever said that means I do too. I work mostly PM shifts, which ends at 7:30 on a good day. I literally work with dogs, so my time I get off is highly depending on that and when their owners come pick them up and how fast we can get done cleaning for the night. That usually ends at 7:30. By the time I get home, it is 8:00ish. Just because he might get out at 5 doesn't mean I do too. IN fact, I was the one to suggest saturday being our date time. And he literally agreed to me, and told me he will make saturdays a priorty to see me. We have blocked out saturdays because we just know we see each other. As with the gym thing, I have no idea if he can bring a guest to work with him at the gym. (didn't ask him yet, honestly its hard for me to workout when I stand on my feet all day long getting jumped at and knocked over by big dogs. But his membership might not even let a guest come. 

[Bugie78]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is how you know it's not the right match. 

Barring extreme cases (and his is not one), most people lean towards their partners in difficult times. He's backing away.

Can I ask why you suggested this? Breaks almost always serve to make matters worse, not better. 

I suggested it because I know very well how stress affects relationships. Like okay. So we took 1 week break no contact. He contacted me Saturday like he said he would to ask how I been doing and next day he was sending me pictures of all the different things he saw that day. Then monday after I got back from the city, we talked on the phone for 24 minutes and he seemed genuinly concern with how I am doing. He even said about the break that it's the worst case scenerio but he agrees, and seemed a little sad not joyful. He even hugged me tight before he left. If you are truly meant to be together then the break will in fact make couples stronger in the end. And see that's where you and I are different. During difficult times, I as well, shut down and don't want anyone near me. Or I pretend it never happen and let the stress of that fold into anxiety that does in fact put pressure on the relationship which makes the relationship end.