How long should it be until you ask a partner to go exclusive?

[Alittlehelpplz]

Male 34 

female 31 

been dating for about 3 months, but known each other for 9 months. 
things are going well and I’m happy with her. 
do I ask her and possibly rock the boat or just leave alone for now? 

[poorlittlefish]

I think that is plenty long enough.  If you are having sex with her, then that conversation should already have happened.

[Kwothe28]

I think it depends on a culture. For example here, if you are not just going on dates to know each other, when you get together you are either

a) fooling around

b) in a relationship

For example I never needed more then 3 dates to get together with somebody. And never needed to precise "exclusivity" because it was either implied already or dont. For example in 3 months you should know if your partner dates around or not. And if you are just "casual" or "in a relationship". Do you think she will go to a date with another man if he asks? Because if you think that, even "exclusivity talk" is futile. At the end of the day, its just words, not actions.

But, if you think things are going well, I see no harm in defining your relationship. 3 months is plenty of time to not know where you are with someone. So, just ask her.

Also, to not write another message, for your other thread: If you want to surprise her with hot air baloon ride for her birthday, its a great idea. 

[Batya33]

If you think after 3 months you won't get an enthusiastic YES why are you dating her? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

 been dating for about 3 months,  do I ask her and possibly rock the boat or just leave alone for now? 

Are either of you on dating apps or talking to and meeting others? Are you physically involved?  What do you mean by "exclusive" and what do you mean by "rocking the boat"? After dating this long it's unusual if you are not exclusive. 

[boltnrun]

Is she the one who doesn't want to have sex because she's afraid of getting pregnant?

[Sindy_0311]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

For example here, if you are not just going on dates to know each other, when you get together you are either

a) fooling around

b) in a relationship

ohhhh, so this is how it works here? really? 

What exactly do you mean by "getting together"? 

That's funny because a friend (male) of mine told me the exact same thing yesterday... he didn't understand the concept of exclusivity and multi dating... he told me that exclusivity isn't something that you decide together after a few weeks, it's something that comes organically. You naturally feel that you no longer want to meet someone else and you slowly forget about the dating app and just focus on that one person you are connecting with. And I kinda agree that here, in my country, people do this. Often, things start casually (with sex after a few dates) until someone or both developp feelings and drops the first "I love you"... 

But this doesn't align with all the theories I've read (mainly US authors) and I have to say that whenever I talk about the exclusivity talk, people look at me with big eyes asking "what is this"... I think I might have it all wrong until now... ouch 

[HeartGoesOn]

8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I think that is plenty long enough.  If you are having sex with her, then that conversation should already have happened.

I second this opinion.  Also, the one thing that baffles me, is why is it so easy to have sex right away, yet it's difficult to have a a simple conversation in regards to where you stand?

Of course the words  "to each their own" comes into play, as well.

  

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

ohhhh, so this is how it works here? really? 

What exactly do you mean by "getting together"? 

I mean that is how it works in my country, for USA and others works differently. Different cultures. Mine is more traditionally oriented. 

Well, it doesnt mean anything if you go out on a date and nothing happens. Theorethically you can do that with multiple people at once. But if you get together(make up, have sex etc) you are either hooking up and see casually(not exclusive) where you see when you see each other and that is it(in most cases just to see each other for sex) or in other case you have a relationship(exclusive) where you are dating, go out, meet each other friends etc. You usually know if its one or other so there is no need for "exclusivity talk". Only time you do some kind of "relationship talk" is if something changes so you have to decide if it will continue or would you break up, for example one changes town or country. But I literally never had to do exclusivity talk. Because it is implied that when you constantly date someone that you are in a relationship. You really cant say "Oh you know, I though we are just casual so I did go out with 3 more people". When you already dated for months and even met each other friends and such. For example, to me its weird that OP has to do exclusivity talk at all. When they are already dating seriously for months, wants to surprise her for birthday etc. You dont really do that here if you are not in a relationship. But again, different cultures.

[boltnrun]

I was in a relationship with someone for nearly a year and a half. When he ended it he told me that since we'd never had the "relationship talk" we had not been in one. Another guy I was in a relationship with for four years told me the same thing. Yes, I'm in the US. 

[smackie9]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I was in a relationship with someone for nearly a year and a half. When he ended it he told me that since we'd never had the "relationship talk" we had not been in one. Another guy I was in a relationship with for four years told me the same thing. Yes, I'm in the US. 

Wow those dudes were jerks and said that to be mean in the end. They lied

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Wow those dudes were jerks and said that to be mean in the end. They lied

They didn't lie. They just had a certain POV that if the two of us had not come out and said "we are in a committed relationship", we weren't. And yes, they were obviously ending things so it was also a matter of convenience. Something can't be broken up if it never existed, right? 

What's interesting is my husband and I didn't have a specific conversation. We just always were together. And then we decided to get married (well, HE decided we would). 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

Been dating for about 3 months, but known each other for 9 months. . do I ask her and possibly rock the boat or just leave alone for now? 

Is this the one who "felt pressured" to have sex? And the sex was bad at first? Since you are already dating 3 months and involved physically, why aren't you exclusive already?

What exactly do you want to see happening? You or she on dating apps or having sex with others? Why isn't it clear that you're exclusive at this point?

Didn't this lead to on/off breakups in the past with her? 

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I was in a relationship with someone for nearly a year and a half. When he ended it he told me that since we'd never had the "relationship talk" we had not been in one. Another guy I was in a relationship with for four years told me the same thing. Yes, I'm in the US. 

Well to me that seems like guys who didn't actually want a relationship or they weren't that into you, sorry. I think if someone actually really likes you, you would get a good sense if they were serious about you or not. They would act like you were a real couple, introduce you to all their friends and family, say they loved you, etc. And if someone had their foot halfway out the door I think it would show as well.

[boltnrun]

23 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well to me that seems like guys who didn't actually want a relationship or they weren't that into you, sorry. I think if someone actually really likes you, you would get a good sense if they were serious about you or not. They would act like you were a real couple, introduce you to all their friends and family, say they loved you, etc. And if someone had their foot halfway out the door I think it would show as well.

They did introduce me to their friends and family but clearly that meant nothing. They obviously weren't into me or they wouldn't have said and did what they did. But the trash got taken out, so to speak. I didn't have to waste anymore time.

But my point was, they used "we never said we were in a relationship" as an excuse so it didn't seem like they were breaking up with me. Not sure why it mattered. 

[Capricorn3]

10 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

  Also, the one thing that baffles me, is why is it so easy to have sex right away, yet it's difficult to have a a simple conversation in regards to where you stand? 

Agreed. But then again I am really old school, lol.  I guess this would really be "old fashioned", but I don't ever recall anyone asking someone to be "exclusive".  People just used to date and if it went into months or longer, everyone just assumed they were a couple. There was never "discussions about being exclusive".  But life was so simple then, lol. Everything seems so overly complicated these days.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

I guess this would really be "old fashioned", but I don't ever recall anyone asking someone to be "exclusive".  People just used to date and if it went into months or longer, everyone just assumed they were a couple. There was never "discussions about being exclusive".  But life was so simple then, lol. Everything seems so overly complicated these days.

Probably because of the way things are nowadays. eg. online dating, where we have so much more opportunity & access.  Where, back in 80's, 90's etc. we basically met one or two 'live'.  Not as much opportunity with that.

To the point, that you DO really need to find out IF you're just being used, being seen as a fwb or if the person IS actually wanting to be serious enough with you.

[poorlittlefish]

5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Agreed. But then again I am really old school, lol.  I guess this would really be "old fashioned", but I don't ever recall anyone asking someone to be "exclusive".  People just used to date and if it went into months or longer, everyone just assumed they were a couple. There was never "discussions about being exclusive".  But life was so simple then, lol. Everything seems so overly complicated these days.

Same here, but I'm no longer a youngster and I'm in the UK.  Talks about exclusivity seem common nowadays, particularly for those in the US.  Here, it's always been a bit of a given that if you're regularly dating someone and having sex with them, you're not doing the same with someone else.  

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Agreed. But then again I am really old school, lol.  I guess this would really be "old fashioned", but I don't ever recall anyone asking someone to be "exclusive".  People just used to date and if it went into months or longer, everyone just assumed they were a couple. There was never "discussions about being exclusive".  But life was so simple then, lol. Everything seems so overly complicated these days.

We did in the 80s and by the mid 80s that also was because of the scary rise in HIV infections so the talk also sometimes had to do (but not in my situation) with both exclusivity and sexual monogamy.  For me I kept dating/looking to date until we had the Talk.  The talk usually happened within 6-8 weeks -so, like 5-8 dates.  With one exception which was a mistake on my part -initiated by the man.  For me it was not tied to when we were going to have actual sex which happened a lot later. 

Unless it was random I didn't officially introduce to family before we were a "couple." I made the mistake of doing so twice -once a 4th date because it was the premiere of an artistic performance I worked on and once my parents were taking me out to a casual restaurant for my birthday so I invited my new date along and yes he knew we were not exclusive.  

To me personally when I dated - 1978-2005 -the talk was very important and meaningful.

[Andrina]

On 11/17/2023 at 3:01 AM, Alittlehelpplz said:

do I ask her and possibly rock the boat or just leave alone for now

Isn't it best to find out if a person shares your dating style after a full 3 months together, giving you the opportunity to bail if her wants and style is the opposite of yours? Never be so enamored with someone whereas it's letting the other person take total control of how things will be, even if it upsets you. 

Just say, "I've been loving my time with you. What do you think about us being exclusive?"

Whatever her answer is will dictate your next move. If anything other than yes, as said, if the answer is something you find unreasonable, best to exit to find a woman who shares the same dating style.