My boyfriend broke up with me

[boltnrun]

They say those who don't learn from their "mistakes" are doomed to repeat them. 

Alex, you can continue to do the same things over and over and then wonder why all of your friends are married with families and you're not. Or...you can start taking positive steps to ensure you make better choices going forward. Wallowing in self pity changes nothing, so go ahead and let your disappointment and hurt out, then get up and resolve to make changes. If you don't know how, enlist the help of a competent therapist to guide you. 

[Sindy_0311]

14 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Him showing you off to his parents, his coworkers, thats just for him to show them that "yes theres a female out there who wants to be with me." You were his ego-booster.

Alex, did you meet his close friends? The ones he hangs out with during drinking and smoking nights? 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Alex, STOP LYING.  ...

Whoa...can we please avoid the kind of accusatory hyperbole that gets otherwise reasonable and valuable threads shut down?

Cruelty is not support.

Thanks,
Cat

[Alex39]

I agree with all of you. I've had some weak moments of missing him and idolizing our relationship. Our relationship wasn't good and I agree I settled for ridiculous behavior,  insulting behavior.  I am worthy way more than no sex and crap plans. I do feel very dumb for accepting this. 

He's supposed to come tonight. I'd be shocked if he did. I honestly hope he doesn't. I am moving on. He's dead weight. I wanted closure and to ask him questions to better understand. But now I don't care. 

Thank him for breaking up with me. I lost someone that wasn't into it and wasn't into having a fulfilling adult relationship. I'm feeling empowered and ready to meet someone that treats me how I deserve. 

[catfeeder]

19 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I agree with all of you. I've had some weak moments of missing him and idolizing our relationship. Our relationship wasn't good and I agree I settled for ridiculous behavior,  insulting behavior.  I am worthy way more than no sex and crap plans. I do feel very dumb for accepting this. 

He's supposed to come tonight. I'd be shocked if he did. I honestly hope he doesn't. I am moving on. He's dead weight. I wanted closure and to ask him questions to better understand. But now I don't care. 

Thank him for breaking up with me. I lost someone that wasn't into it and wasn't into having a fulfilling adult relationship. I'm feeling empowered and ready to meet someone that treats me how I deserve. 

So glad to hear you getting here, Alex. And yet, it's okay to ride this wave of strength but then fall back into grief on occasion. Your strength won't be lost--it will only feel like it for a while.

Think of exercise recovery. You work out, you feel energized, you feel great! Then next day you feel sore and need some recovery. You didn't 'lose' the strength you gained, you just need to allow for the process.

Same with grieving. So hang in there, and give yourself breaks and kindnesses as you need them, and write whenever it helps.

(((BIG HUG)))
Cat

[Alex39]

I just can't get over the complete lack of disrespect. Don't say you are coming two different times and don't show up. I'd rather he said he wasn't coming or ghosted. What he did to me was the lowest of low. We literally had a cordial texting conversation all about him coming over. He never intended to show up. I don't even know why he answered my texts. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 Don't say you are coming two different times and don't show up. We literally had a cordial texting conversation all about him coming over. 

Sorry this happened. He just didn't show up tonight? But texted you that he was coming? Ask him if he wants you to send his stuff or bag it until he gets it or what he wants you to do with it. 

[Jaunty]

Are you ready to mail the keys, pack up the pet stuff, leave it somewhere on your property and tell him (via text) to pick it up within a certain time frame?  And then STOP interacting?

[Starlight925]

Oh my, showing his truest of true colors.

Pack it all up.  Send it with tracking, Signature required.

Then block all access from him and to him.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this.  You will see in time that he did you a favor.

Rejection is G-d's protection.  Remember that, Alex.  

[boltnrun]

I would not make several suggestions or ask him what he wants you to do with his crap. Why go back to more accommodating, codependent behavior by asking him what he wants and catering to him? Hellz no. He had two chances and blew them both off.

Bag his crap, text him you left it outside your front door and if it's still sitting outside your door in the morning it's going in the dumpster. No, he will not go to the police and have you arrested 😆

Enough of this BS. He just doesn't care, so you shouldn't either. 

I hope you're angry. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Bag his crap, text him you left it outside your front door and if it's still sitting outside your door in the morning it's going in the dumpster. No, he will not go to the police and have you arrested 😆

This. 

He had a chance. Now it's his problem if his crap goes in the garbage dump. It's obviously not stuff he desperately needs or he would have retrieved it already. 

[Sindy_0311]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

We literally had a cordial texting conversation all about him coming over. He never intended to show up. I don't even know why he answered my texts. 

This...

In my experience, some men would try to keep in touch after a breakup for one main reason: Their ego. You all tell me if I'm wrong, but they want to be chased even if they don't want a relationship. They want to feel they are above you, they want you to beg them to come back or pursuing them. They leave the door open for you to do that. And I think thats what he is doing. It often happens with narcissist people. Also the way he unfollowed you but let you see his posts on social media, this speaks a lot: He wants you to see him going on with his life and feeling bad about the breakup... Why would he do that? In my opinion its to make you weak, so that if someday he needs nothing out of you, he can reach out and you will accept... Especially thinking about a FWB relationship or asking you to take care of his pets or even ask you for money... Once you are weak, he can take advantage of you. 

The way he treats you is really unhealthy. I highly suggest you block him NOW. Don't take the risk to fall in one of his traps... Haven't you heard of these breakups where both would still keep in touch and somehow one would take advantage of the other, turn things into a situationship that can last for years until he decides to drop you again... He didn't come get his stuff, so now he still has a pretext to reach out to you. Don't allow him to do that please. Just send him back his keys, get rid of the petting supplies and block him/unfollow him without warning, you don't need to explain yourself.

You didn't answer about him introducing you to his best friends, so aI assume he didn't...See, a man can introduce you to his parents (thats easy to do when you are someone unstable and want to show you are doing great in front of your parents...) even coworkers,  maybe he told them you are just a gril he is hanging around with: not relevant. But if he keeps you a secret from his best friends, the people he likes the most, ouch, that's a real problem. He doesn't want them to see you, he's keeping you a secret. I would really appreciate if you could answer this question, I mean this guy is a phenomenon... 😁

[Batya33]

His behavior is consistent with his behavior right in the beginning -cordial texts/empty promises, etc.  I agree with all the others and I am so sorry you were treated this way last night!!

[boltnrun]

If you're planning to hang onto his stuff so you have a pretext to keep contacting him, well...please don't. He showed you yet again how little regard he has for you and your time. Why would you want to keep giving him opportunities to insult and humiliate you?

You must have his address. Send him the key (that he apparently doesn't really need, but send it anyway) and donate the pet supplies. Then delete any social media connections and block his number and then delete it from your phone. 

You said you're moving forward and won't keep acting against your own best interest. Start doing that today and I promise you'll start feeling better.

[Starlight925]

The reason I say to send it back with tracking (UPS, FedEx), Signature required is that you'll have proof it was delivered.

This gives him no reason, ever, to contact you again.

Otherwise, you can face the merry-go-round of months from now, him asking where is this, where is that.  

You have a signature.  Proof it was delivered.  Yes, it cost you a bit, but the cost of being on tiptoes wondering if he'll ever "accuse" you of not giving him his stuff back is worth it.

Ship it to him.  Get a signature.  Be done.

[boltnrun]

It only costs about $5 to send it signature required through USPS and maybe $15 through FedEx. So if you think he would harass you down the line you can do this.

Given how he no shows and bails and cancels, I find it hard to believe he'd contact you over and over demanding his key . He had two chances to get it and he no showed both times. That doesn't indicate he finds it very important. 

[rainbowsandroses]

I'm curious what you would do Alex if he reached out, told you he made a big mistake ending it, that he was "scared" (typical response from a commitment phobic man which HE is imo), began crying (another typical response), begged you to forgive him and give him another chance?  

Translation: the girl he dumped you for dumped him!

It's a very common scenario and although you say you're done and he's a coward, disrespected etc, what would your response be if the above happened?  

I don't think this is over, not by a long shot. 

And.it WON'T ever be over unless and until YOU say it's over, until you realize that every single word that comes out of his pathetic mouth is NONSENSE.

Why are you having "cordial" text message exchanges with him? Why are you talking to him at all? SMH

What are you hoping for here? 

My advice is get real with yourself, make a decision that you're worth more than the nonsense he spews out, he's not God, he's a very emotionally damaged person, unable to bond in a healthy way, unable to commit, and if YOU are not careful and learn to love yourself FIRST, this journey is not over and become quite detrimental to you and your emotional well being.  

Stop the insanity.  Block his number and mail his stuff back.  It's a small price to pay to maintain your sanity. 

 

[boltnrun]

I'm not sure he's emotionally damaged or unable to commit. Many of these men we soothe ourselves by diagnosing with mental or emotional deficiencies are perfectly healthy, they just aren't into US enough to make an effort. My ex, for example, dumped me. I could have diagnosed him with all sorts of things, but he married the next woman he dated. Obviously not commitment phobic. He just wasn't that into me.

So...just don't be that into HIM. He won't give you what you desire in a partner, so he goes. Period. 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm not sure he's emotionally damaged or unable to commit. Many of these men we soothe ourselves by diagnosing with mental or emotional deficiencies are perfectly healthy, they just aren't into US enough to make an effort. My ex, for example, dumped me. I could have diagnosed him with all sorts of things, but he married the next woman he dated. Obviously not commitment phobic. He just wasn't that into me.

So...just don't be that into HIM. He won't give you what you desire in a partner, so he goes. Period. 

I knew someone would counter with that, my response is it doesn't matter what HE is, that wasn't the point.  

The point was it's not uncommon for such people to return, crying, begging forgiveness (again translation the woman he dumped Alex for dumped him).

So he returns.  Lord this is so common, I've lost count.

My question is more for and about Alex, why is SHE still engaging with him?  What is SHE hoping for by doing so?  

I nearly fell off my chair when reading she was having a "cordial" conversation with him.  What the heck.  

After all the nonsense he's thrown at her since the beginning, she is still having cordial conversations with him? 

That was the point.  I don't give a rat's rear end if he's commitment phobic, narcissistic or just an a$$hole, who cares?

What matters is that Alex starts loving herself and caring for herself, and as such takes steps NOW to extricate him from her consciousness and her life.

 

[Alex39]

I do not plan on contacting him ever again. I'm throwing away the keys and keeping the pet stuff. I have pets, I can use the stuff. He has no proof I ever had those things and I don't think he really wants them back. If he did,he would come and get them. He isn't the type of person to go at me saying I kept his stuff. He can barely manage his own life. Let alone haggle over items. 

 

To answer the question, he did not introduce me to his friends. 

 

If he came back around saying he was sorry, being apologetic, begging for me back- I have no interest in being with him. I do not want to be with someone who hurt and confused me. I do not want to to be with someone who can't respect me and my time. I worth so much more than what this little boy was offering me. I need a real man who wants a life with me. 

 

 

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I knew someone would counter with that, my response is it doesn't matter what HE is, that wasn't the point.  

The point was it's not uncommon for such people to return, crying, begging forgiveness (again translation the woman he dumped Alex for dumped him).

So he returns.  Lord this is so common, I've lost count.

My question is more for and about Alex, why is SHE still engaging with him?  What is SHE hoping for by doing so?  

I nearly fell off my chair when reading she was having a "cordial" conversation with him.  What the heck.  

After all the nonsense he's thrown at her, she is still having cordial conversations with him? 

That was the point.  I don't give a rat's rear end if he's commitment phobic, narcissistic or just an a$$hole, who cares?

What matters is that Alex starts loving herself and caring for herself, and as such takes steps NOW to extricate him from her consciousness and her life.

 

I'm not engaging with him at all. We broke up Sunday. 

I reached out Wednesday to confirm our meeting. He rescheduled.  Then we never spoke again.  I don't consider that having many conversations and engagement. I don't plan on ever talking to him again. 

[Alex39]

I just blocked him-good riddens

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

To answer the question, he did not introduce me to his friends. 

I'm so glad you blocked him!! good job! you can be proud of yourself! 

Now, I don't mean to keep the conversation going, and it's ok if you don't want to answer this: But how do you analyse the fact that he never introduced you to his friends during a 6 month relationship? 

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I just blocked him-good riddens

You just made my day 😃

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You just made my day 😃

Mine too!!