My boyfriend seems unsure about the relationship

[obsuum]

My boyfriend of almost 2 years (mid-distance, two hours away) is starting to get really stressed about us moving together in two months.

He has ups and downs but the past 2 weeks have been a struggle since he seems depressed and distant. We had a big discussion a few days ago when he had a very hard time (crying for hours) telling me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to move in together with me, and even unsure of wanting to continue the relationship. All because he feels like he’s not enough and he doesnt feel good, i know he only had 2 long term relationships before me and the first one dumped him because she was depressed, the second one ended on “mutual agreement”. He said he would feel very guilty of making me move out my city and join him if it doesnt work out, but i already found a great job opportunity in his city so?? I just felt like he was making such a big deal out of it and was really afraid it wouldn’t work out, but i reassured him of everyhing that could go right, and how we could just take a step back and actually live in separate appartments in the same city. I can add he also feels bad since we have problems of “intimate” matter, coming from him, and he just feels like he’s not good enough. After sharing all that and both crying about the whole situation, he said sorry and that he went to far about it, and said he actually wants us to give a shot at living together, and too bad if it doesn’t work out.

Some days passed, and now he just said that he feels empty so I reassured him again, he said the next weekend might be the same as the last one (him being very distant and unwell); I said i could give him space there if needed and he said “yes, it might be the case”. So now i’m just left with this fear of not knowing what to do and trying to keep the good times in mind and trying not to contact him unnecessarily, while stressing about tomorrow when i’ll see him. It’s been complicated, and i’ve talked about a couple of friends who know him and are aware of his emotional immaturity, but I guess I just have to wait for time to do its thing.

Sorry if it’s all messy, english isn’t my first language and i’m kind of desperate to seek out answers elsewhere, or just other opinions…

Thank you all in advance, i’m open to questions of course, I tried to make it short.

[Jaunty]

I am very sorry to say this, but from what you've said, you'd be very unwise to move in with him.

Some trepidation is understandable, but the overwhelming thoughts and feelings about moving in with a person you love should be positive.

This is the opposite.  The best he could do was "give it a shot and too bad if if doesn't work out."   That is NOT positive.   

He also seems like he does not want you to come for the weekend.  it was bad last time (how is he "unwell" so often?) and now he wants you to "give him space" when visiting.  

Why are you even going?  The best way to give him space is to stay home.  If he wants to see you let him reach out and tell you so.  As it is it seems that he does not want it.

[DariaM239]

He seems depressed and to be honest I don't think he is in the right mental and emotional state of mind for a serious relationship right now. And congrats on the new job opportunity! Don't let your relationship problems overshadow your own accomplishments, perhaps you can see this as a new beginning for you. 

[obsuum]

54 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I am very sorry to say this, but from what you've said, you'd be very unwise to move in with him.

Some trepidation is understandable, but the overwhelming thoughts and feelings about moving in with a person you love should be positive.

This is the opposite.  The best he could do was "give it a shot and too bad if if doesn't work out."   That is NOT positive.   

He also seems like he does not want you to come for the weekend.  it was bad last time (how is he "unwell" so often?) and now he wants you to "give him space" when visiting.  

Why are you even going?  The best way to give him space is to stay home.  If he wants to see you let him reach out and tell you so.  As it is it seems that he does not want it.

Thank you for your answer!

I didn't mention that after knowing we could move out, he was just slightly stressed at first, then said he accepted the idea and we talked about all the positive stuff, even thinking about having a dog when money allows it. The whole negative vibe really started two weeks ago...

And he's not "always" unwell, it kinda comes and goes, he learned two months ago that a girl he's been friends with for a long time has cancer and she's now going trough chemo, guess it doesnt help. 

I have to go this weekend because I have tattoo appointments so i have to stay at his place, otherwise I think i would have asked if he wanted me to come or not 😕 

[obsuum]

15 minutes ago, DariaM239 said:

He seems depressed and to be honest I don't think he is in the right mental and emotional state of mind for a serious relationship right now. And congrats on the new job opportunity! Don't let your relationship problems overshadow your own accomplishments, perhaps you can see this as a new beginning for you. 

Thanks ! I guess it could be it, i've seen him change and make efforts on some points but I think he has a lot to figure out on his own, I just feel like it could still work and I don't want to f*ck things up, but giving space is so painful for me, i'll have to do it anyways 🙂

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, obsuum said:

. The whole negative vibe really started two weeks ago... he's not "always" unwell, it kinda comes and goes, he learned two months ago that a girl he's been friends with for a long time has cancer and she's now going trough chemo. have to go this weekend because I have tattoo appointments 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Does he see physicians and therapists for his physical and mental health, including the sexual/libido issues? 

See what happens in person when you visit this weekend. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to want to move in together. 

All you can do is step back and focus on your own future and well-being. 

[Batya33]

I would reschedule the non-essential tattoo appointments - do you mean you are a tattoo artist?? I would not move in and I agree with giving space -twice the amount he seems to need. Never convince someone to be with you or take this step IMO.

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, obsuum said:

he feels like he’s not enough and he doesnt feel good

Believe him.  This translates that you two aren't the right fit for each other.  Don't move in with him.  If anyone in the relationship cries over moving in together, it's not a good match.  Telling him not to worry about it is invalidating his feelings.

[smackie9]

He's just not ready...tell him that's OK, and that you both will work on his insecurities. Don't spend your time reassuring him all the time, that will only enable those feelings to keep resurfacing. Best to just ask why, and what triggers it, etc. Keep him talking. He needs to therapy or a way to learn some coping skills...not your job to do the work. He needs to address this. 

[obsuum]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Does he see physicians and therapists for his physical and mental health, including the sexual/libido issues? 

See what happens in person when you visit this weekend. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to want to move in together. 

All you can do is step back and focus on your own future and well-being. 

thanks for your answer! He's 25, and i'm 27. He really isn't the "type" to confess to people, and doesn't talk of private matters to his friends, he already has a lot of trouble talking to me, and is very private, so it complicates things. I suggested him to see/talk to a professional but he immediately said no, so I guess it's out of the question, I can't even help him on that. The best I could do is reassure him on how I wouldn't leave him for libido problems or others, and i guess he's just afraid that I could leave. All his friends support me and know about him being good-hearted but very immature...

[obsuum]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I would reschedule the non-essential tattoo appointments - do you mean you are a tattoo artist?? I would not move in and I agree with giving space -twice the amount he seems to need. Never convince someone to be with you or take this step IMO.

I am! I really can't, I only have one or two spots available for this month, and i'll officially start at the shop in december, which means i'll have to stay at his place 5 days a week before i can move into the city in january...Kinda scared if he doesn't change his attitude until then. A friend just told me not to give him space eventually and to keep showing him my support, but I don't think that would be the right solution

[obsuum]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

Believe him.  This translates that you two aren't the right fit for each other.  Don't move in with him.  If anyone in the relationship cries over moving in together, it's not a good match.  Telling him not to worry about it is invalidating his feelings.

I guess so, at least more than before... I'll just talk to him this weekend and say that i don't want to move with him and at least see his reaction. But I also believe part of him wants it but is too afraid and kind of messes it up out of guilt, maybe I'm wrong, it's just how I feel about the whole thing.

Also, I didn't really invalidate his feelings since I first stated we could take a step back and live separately after he said he was unsure about wanting it anymore...then I reassured him on how it could go well somehow...didn't want it to sound like that

[obsuum]

28 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

He's just not ready...tell him that's OK, and that you both will work on his insecurities. Don't spend your time reassuring him all the time, that will only enable those feelings to keep resurfacing. Best to just ask why, and what triggers it, etc. Keep him talking. He needs to therapy or a way to learn some coping skills...not your job to do the work. He needs to address this. 

Thanks! Yeah I guess that's too much work from me, but I believe it's not always 50/50, I know about his qualities and the times he did things right, it just seems to be a really hard time for him lately and it doesn't seem like he knows where it's coming from...he stopped alcohol, cigarettes and all more than a year ago so I know he's capable of taking action but I can't help him figure out what's really wrong 😕 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, obsuum said:

We had a big discussion a few days ago when he had a very hard time (crying for hours) telling me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to move in together with me, and even unsure of wanting to continue the relationship.

This^ was your cue to wish him well and say goodbye.  

I mean crying for hours because he doesn't want to move in together?  How old is he?

How is that even appealing to you that YOU would want to stay?

I don't mean to sound insensitive but I'm having difficulty wrapping my brain around this one, it's so clear it's over and done. 

It's not working, best to not force it and just be done. Bye. 

I'm sorry.  

 

[obsuum]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I mean crying for hours because he doesn't want to move in together?  How old is he?
How is that even appealing to you that YOU would want to stay?

It's more like, crying for hours because he feels like a burden and has serious troubles expressing himself, and having doubts, which I think is normal, since I had them myself too! I'm a very solitary person and also had doubts about whether it will work or not, but it's more pronounced from his side, and doesn't sound like he wants to end everything, or maybe he just doesn't have the guts to say it upfront? 

That's what I hope to learn soon, but still, I stay because I have deep feelings for him and know what good he's capable of, and want to be there for him! Maybe that's too much compassion, but I still have some hope left, still, I'll talk to him about actually not moving in together

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, obsuum said:

I stay because I have deep feelings for him and know what good he's capable of, and want to be there for him! Maybe that's too much compassion...

Yes I do think it's too much compassion, what he's doing is very hurtful to YOU, where do your feelings factor in?   Or do you not care about your own feelings?  And only his? 

Crying is quite emotionally manipulative, he knew exactly what he was doing, and in fact I consider it a form of mental abuse.

If he had broken your jaw, would you still stay and want to "be there for him"?  To help him work through his inner "demons"?

This is no different other than one is mental/emotional, the other is physical.

I have no tolerance for "crying" in situations like this, it's one of the most emotionally manipulative things a person could ever do.

Love yourself FIRST.  If you don't, trust me no man, including THIS man, ever will either, which may be why he's unsure about his feelings for you and the relationship in the first place. 

 

[obsuum]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes I do think it's too much compassion, what he's doing is very hurtful to YOU, where do your feelings factor in?   Or do you not care about your own feelings?  And only his? 

Crying is quite emotionally manipulative, he knew exactly what he was doing, and in fact I consider it a form of mental abuse.

If he had broken your jaw, would you still stay and want to "be there for him"?  To help him work through his inner "demons"?

I don't think crying is always manipulative, i've only seen him cry 3 times, first when he learned he was bound to pay a huge fine after a stupid old fight with some guys, second time back in august when we had a big argument and I got everything off my chest, he was afraid to lose me and saw me actually threatening to leave, we agreed it was something we had to go through and he admitted it was very hard for him to control his emotions and talk about his problems. 

I do care about my own feelings, thanks for your concern, really, but I guess I need time to actually give them more space and I tend to partly ignore them when I love someone, I can't deny. Of course i'd leave if he hit me, I told him this and cheating were the two unforgivable things! And my limits are kinda blurry right now, but at least i'm realizing I need to take a big step back, we'll see how it goes this weekend!

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, obsuum said:

I'll talk to him about actually not moving in together

This seems like a good conversation to have. The moving in talk seems to be a bit premature and upsetting him. He's distancing himself as a result.

Please don't suggest a "trail" of moving in or moving in at all. He feels very pressured because of it.  Try to rearrange your professional appointments to be more local. 

Even though the distance is cumbersome and inconvenient, it's still doable. Moving in together seems like too much too soon and a bit over-focused on convenience. 

If you see him this weekend, the best thing you can do for his mental health and the relationship is to discontinue the moving in talk. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 minutes ago, obsuum said:

I don't think crying is always manipulative...

Course it's not, like when a loved one dies for example however when used as emotional leverage to gain sympathy, it's always manipulative.  Please don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.

I'm glad you've chosen to take a step back, good luck. 

[obsuum]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't suggest a "trail" of moving in or moving in at all. He feels very pressured because of it.  Try to rearrange your professional appointments to be more local. 

You're right! Thing is, I can't "move" the appointments of tomorrow and can't ask my boss to start at the shop a month later... so either he gets better and sees no problem in me staying at his place 5 days a week, during 3 weeks, before I find a place to myself, or he just doesn't want that and i'll have to find another place to stay... It's just so scary and discouraging, my only action is to just change plans like you said and hope for the best. I believe it will get better somehow, even if it should take time 

[obsuum]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Course it's not, like when a loved one dies for example however when used as emotional leverage to gain sympathy, it's always manipulative.  Please don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.

I'm glad you've chosen to take a step back, good luck. 

Thanks again! I wanted to say, few times I cried too, was just to express my pain and the fact that things affected me, I believe it can simply be a way of showing you care and can be vulnerable in front of someone, that's what I feel about him. I guess time will bring its answers!

[Batya33]

When I had to cancel my wedding 7 weeks before we lost $$$$. We also had just moved in together. More $$. Look it’s on you that you intertwined your work with these plans. I’d rent a room somewhere or an Airbnb if you have to for your tattoo work. Throw $ at the problem. 26 years ago I figured it was less expensive and less heartache than the great risk of divorce. Same here. Cut your losses. With $. Don’t make it worse by justifying sharing living space because you have to be there for work. Drive back and forth if you have to. 

It’s compassionate to be supportive. It’s not compassionate to be in this dynamic of reassuring him that getting to live with you - his partner - will work out just fine. He’s not having his wisdom teeth extracted for heavens sake. 

[MissCanuck]

I think your relationship is going to end the same way his previous ones did, unfortunately. 

[obsuum]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When I had to cancel my wedding 7 weeks before we lost $$$$. We also had just moved in together. More $$. Look it’s on you that you intertwined your work with these plans. I’d rent a room somewhere or an Airbnb if you have to for your tattoo work. Throw $ at the problem. 26 years ago I figured it was less expensive and less heartache than the great risk of divorce. Same here. Cut your losses. With $. Don’t make it worse by justifying sharing living space because you have to be there for work. Drive back and forth if you have to. 

It’s compassionate to be supportive. It’s not compassionate to be in this dynamic of reassuring him that getting to live with you - his partner - will work out just fine. He’s not having his wisdom teeth extracted for heavens sake. 

So you're saying it's better to intentionally give him space without him asking? I'll have to find a solution anyways, I don't have a car yet and transport costs me money but ofc, if he's unsure about welcoming me in december i'll just stay elsewhere and not force anything on him! 

I didn't try to convince him of anything though, just said it could go wrong as well as it could go just fine, and we wouldn't know without trying

Thanks for sharing your experience!

[waffle]

If he's "crying for hours" at the thought of living with you, after being together two years, this does not bode well for the relationship.