My boyfriend seems unsure about the relationship

[obsuum]

Just now, waffle said:

If he's "crying for hours" at the thought of living with you, after being together two years, this does not bode well for the relationship.

More like he cried about the thought of having to tell me he believes he's a burden and is scared that it's not going to work 😅 already told him he has to work on himself, but that's all his responsability

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, obsuum said:

More like he cried about the thought of having to tell me he believes he's a burden and is scared that it's not going to work 😅 already told him he has to work on himself, but that's all his responsability

Why do you have to tell him what work he has to do? He’s an adult. From all you wrote he is not enthusiastic about getting to live with you. Living together is hard enough when you’re enthusiastic. If you’re not it’s a non starter. He’s not. He’s so scared he is venting to you about it. Jitters are normal. It’s a big step. His core shaking doubts are not. Keeping your distance would let him sit with himself and figure stuff out on his own. 
 

[obsuum]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

From all you wrote he is not enthusiastic about getting to live with you.

He’s so scared he is venting to you about it.  
 

He actually was not so long ago, like truly, we were talking about all the positive stuff, but it seems everything backfired and now he's all scared again. 

And it's not really venting since it took him almost an hour to be able to kind of telling me he wasnt sure about it anymore lol

I know it may all sound weird but details count, and the situation is actually very specific and complicated... I'm still glad so many people gave their advice until now!

[Andrina]

When people spew their own warning labels, you need to totally pay attention. Love doesn't conquer all, and a healthy relationship never needs anybody conquering anything.

If the relationship began as long distance, that's already a warning flag as many who seek LDRs out versus local dating might mean they have things to hide that a local person would quickly see. 25 and has sexual issues? Maybe he's a porn addict and knows you will suss that out if you actually live with him. Or maybe he hasn't stopped drinking after all, and that affects him sexually.

Never make major decisions like moving in together if a person doesn't feel 100 percent confident about that decision.

Ridiculous to think you've been long distance and yet he's asking for space? Clearly, you've been driving the train of this relationship from the get-go. Perhaps if you'd waited for him to make equal effort, he wouldn't and you could see he doesn't, or at least shouldn't, meet your standards for a prime partner.

If you will move to his city for a better career and make your life there as a single woman is only something you can decide. If you don't want to be there if there is no relationship between you two, I'd just break up, if it were me, and not move at all.  

The problem with people with rescuing mentalities is that they end up hurting themselves and not really rescuing anyone. Choose someone who doesn't need rescuing and you'll be amazed at how much happier your life will be.

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, obsuum said:

He actually was not so long ago, like truly, we were talking about all the positive stuff, but it seems everything backfired and now he's all scared again. 

And it's not really venting since it took him almost an hour to be able to kind of telling me he wasnt sure about it anymore lol

I know it may all sound weird but details count, and the situation is actually very specific and complicated... I'm still glad so many people gave their advice until now!

The problem is you see it as complicated but it's not you just don't want to see the simplicity.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  Currently he gets pleasure out of being your boyfriend from a distance.  A safe distance. You've unfortunately put the cart before the horse with your job plans - and now he feels pressured to let you live there/stay there for that reason.  

The simplicity is you two want different things now when it comes to sharing living space.  He got cold feet as the reality loomed closer.  You tell yourself it's complicated because you are complicating things with your role as reassurer/rescuer -a role that has no place in this situation.  I remember my first fiancee in 1989 trying to reassure me that we were right together as I struggled with doubts about our brand new engagement and wedding plans just months away.  His reassurance helped as a temporary bandaid.

What really helped was ending the engagement a couple of days later.  I was 23.  I think he ended up resenting that I burdened him as I did with my doubts.  I regret that too. Step away from this and take a more objective view -simply put you want different things right now.  You can keep dating him long distance and have an internal deadline -if he's not ready to move in by X date you'll leave.

If you knew he'd never want to live with you how long would you stay?

I'm sorry this is so disappointing.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and I wouldn't try to reframe and reinterpret someone telling me that he's not on board with living together--or even staying together. The guy sounds too cowardly to be the bad guy, and so he's pulling off whatever drama it takes to get you to do it for him.

You can fool yourself about that if you want to, and you can 'poor baby' him for as long as he'll keep playing along, but what does that buy you? Is this how you want to live?

 

[obsuum]

9 hours ago, Andrina said:

If the relationship began as long distance, that's already a warning flag as many who seek LDRs out versus local dating might mean they have things to hide that a local person would quickly see. 25 and has sexual issues? Maybe he's a porn addict and knows you will suss that out if you actually live with him. Or maybe he hasn't stopped drinking after all, and that affects him sexually.

Well he wasn't seeking it at all actually, his ex was from his city and it lasted 3/4 years. He first talked to me about my drawings, without any particular intention, and as we talked mlre and more we decided to meet! But I agree, it might be the case for people who actively seek LDRs

And idk about the intimacy issues, he said it's been like that for a while and he doesnt know where it's coming from, i asked him about porn and he said it was very rare for him and he was trying to completely stop watching it, i'm not too worried about that but it seems like a very tough and important subject for him

Now I dont want to appear like a "savior" profile, i'll talk to him about not living together anymore this weekend and recenter my attention to myself, hopefully for the best 🙂

[obsuum]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

The problem is you see it as complicated but it's not you just don't want to see the simplicity.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  Currently he gets pleasure out of being your boyfriend from a distance.  A safe distance. You've unfortunately put the cart before the horse with your job plans - and now he feels pressured to let you live there/stay there for that reason.  

The simplicity is you two want different things now when it comes to sharing living space.  He got cold feet as the reality loomed closer.  You tell yourself it's complicated because you are complicating things with your role as reassurer/rescuer -a role that has no place in this situation.  I remember my first fiancee in 1989 trying to reassure me that we were right together as I struggled with doubts about our brand new engagement and wedding plans just months away.  His reassurance helped as a temporary bandaid.

What really helped was ending the engagement a couple of days later.  I was 23.  I think he ended up resenting that I burdened him as I did with my doubts.  I regret that too. Step away from this and take a more objective view -simply put you want different things right now.  You can keep dating him long distance and have an internal deadline -if he's not ready to move in by X date you'll leave.

If you knew he'd never want to live with you how long would you stay?

I'm sorry this is so disappointing.

Maybe you're right! Still I believe some *unwell* people can unconsciously fear things that can be good for them and knowingly sabotage everything, but I cant really be sure if that's the case here, i know a lot about him but maybe not enough...

Now comparing it to your experience, I get what you're trying to say! I'm realizing it's not the right solution to keep reassuring him and it's better for me to change plans, now what's left for me to do is tell him before sunday and see how he reacts, but I don't think it will change my final decision. It's just bad news that i'll have to pay a lot more for an apartment for me alone and we had such a great opportunity for the one we found....anyways, better pay the material price instead of going too fast and ruining everything 👍

[obsuum]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You can fool yourself about that if you want to, and you can 'poor baby' him for as long as he'll keep playing along, but what does that buy you? Is this how you want to live?

It's not really about fooling myself anymore since i'm starting to accept and see things more clearly, and I yet have to see what his true intentions are even though my intuition+experience says he's not playing around.

Of course I don't want to live like that, and don't want to be confronted to someone who's constantly stressed about how it could go wrong and all, that's why after talking to a close relative, a few friends and people on this post, I realized it was better idea to take a step back ✌️ so thanks!

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, obsuum said:

i'll talk to him about not living together anymore this weekend and recenter my attention to myself, hopefully for the best 🙂

I don't think you need to recenter on yourself -simply tell him you realize he's not ready and you'll back off from discussing.  Then I'd focus on undoing ties to his area including professional ties or focusing on finding living space of your own in that area. No need to focus on looking inward - you know full well what you want - right? He just doesn't want the same things you do and/or not nearly enough to actually do those things.

No intuition needed -listen to his plain simple words without putting your own word salad interpretation on it to make it unnecessarily complicated.  I can't imagine how hard this is on you with all your plans and now he's not on the same wavelength.  I don't think he has ill intentions and neither do you.

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, obsuum said:

Well he wasn't seeking it at all actually, his ex was from his city and it lasted 3/4 years.

What does this have to do with your situation?

5 hours ago, obsuum said:

 

He first talked to me about my drawings, without any particular intention, and as we talked mlre and more we decided to meet!

This does not "prove" that he was not either actively or subconsciously looking for a relationship where he'd definitely be free of someone being involved in his life on a day in, day out basis.

You seem to have a propensity to spin things about this guy and your relationship to fit the narrative you need to believe. 

Truly, the crucial part of your situation at this time is not complicated and nuances do not make differences:  He really does not want to cohabit with you now.  That's very basic and simple.  

5 hours ago, obsuum said:

And idk about the intimacy issues, he said it's been like that for a while and he doesnt know where it's coming from, i asked him about porn and he said it was very rare for him and he was trying to completely stop watching it, i'm not too worried about that but it seems like a very tough and important subject for him

If porn is a tough and important issue, and he's "TRYING" to stop watching it,  there's a big problem there indeed.  

The guy is very passive in his communication style and evidently will not be completely straight with you, but he is giving you all the information you need to make an informed decision.  

You're just choosing to reframe it all.  

You are taking bad care of yourself, and you also are refusing to hear this guy.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, obsuum said:

. It's just bad news that i'll have to pay a lot more for an apartment for me alone and we had such a great opportunity for the one we found....

Unfortunately if he is not ready willing or able to live together, you have two options. Find work closer to where you live now or find your own place closer to where you work.  He is trying to create space perhaps to end the relationship or at least prevent moving in together. 

[obsuum]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think you need to recenter on yourself -simply tell him you realize he's not ready and you'll back off from discussing.  Then I'd focus on undoing ties to his area including professional ties or focusing on finding living space of your own in that area. No need to focus on looking inward - you know full well what you want - right? He just doesn't want the same things you do and/or not nearly enough to actually do those things

Yes, I made it more complicated that I thought.

For the professional matter, it just means i'll have to find an apartment in or near the city centre, and I guess we'll organize how we see each other in the same city. 

[obsuum]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

What does this have to do with your situation?

It was just to point out he wasnt actively looking for something long distance, I mean it could be it for my case, and it could also not be, I just don't know.

And I didnt say these things to "prove" anything, just bring my own facts and experience! But you're all somehow right, that I cannot be sure about the initial motives. One thing i'm sure now is thah he's abnormaly stressed by all this and I have to take action

[obsuum]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately if he is not ready willing or able to live together, you have two options. Find work closer to where you live now or find your own place closer to where you work.  He is trying to create space perhaps to end the relationship or at least prevent moving in together. 

Well I didn't want to write it under every answer but apparently he's been taking meds again, i'm at his place and there are antidepressants (?) and xanax on his bed table, I knew he had them not far when we first dated but it was staying in the drawer, now it's all in the open and he's been taking them for the last days I guess. Either it's just to show me how he feels about all this and push into my decision, or he's just too dumb to hide them lol

Anyways, my mind's a lot clearer now 🙂 gonna be hard, but i'll think about all the positive it could do! 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, obsuum said:

 he's been taking meds again, i'm at his place and there are antidepressants (?) and xanax on his bed table, I knew he had them not far when we first dated but it was staying in the drawer, now it's all in the open and he's been taking them for the last days.

It's difficult to exactly interpret this, however it makes sense if he has a history of mental health issues, that he has medicine around.

However this doesn't change the subject of him not wanting to live together.Even if you believe these meds are out on display for the purposes of fortifying his decision not to move in together. 

Enjoy your weekend and try to take the pressure off moving in together by letting him know you'll make other arrangements as far as work and housing. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, obsuum said:

For the professional matter, it just means i'll have to find an apartment in or near the city centre, and I guess we'll organize how we see each other in the same city. 

Not really.  IMO you need to forget about including the relationship with this man in your plans for now.  You need to back off, absolutely LISTEN to what he is telling you, and believe it.   

He's evidently too weak / passive / scared to break up.  I'm not saying YOU need to break up if you don't want to, and clearly that is not what you want.  But do not include him in your plans now. That is part of "giving space."

To be honest, I suspect that you are using this work opportunity as an excuse to move this relationship forward.  I believe you are a private contractor and you can make opportunities like this for yourself where you live now or in any number of other places.   Every town and city has tattoo studios.   Almost every place has some very elevated ones.  

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, obsuum said:

Yes, I made it more complicated that I thought.

For the professional matter, it just means i'll have to find an apartment in or near the city centre, and I guess we'll organize how we see each other in the same city. 

No, don’t organize as a ‘we’ because that means ‘you leading him’. Skip that, make your own plans for yourself, and don’t deprive yourself of the valuable information that will tell what HE steps up to do on his own behalf—or not.

Let him off the hook. Tell him he can take all the time he needs for self care, and if he ever reaches a point where he enthusiastically wants to involve himself with you, he can reach out and let you know. If you’re still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, you’re walking away while you both still think highly of one another, and you wish him the best.

Otherwise, you’ll never be able to trust that he’s only with you due to your influence. That’s no better than what you have now.

[obsuum]

Thanks everyone, I think I was misunderstood on the professional part, I actually WANT to keep this job opportunity, whether i'm still with him or not. It sounded like i'd still come over living alone and keep seeing him but if my opportunity was in another city then I wouldn't move near him and focus on the job. I've looked for about a year for a place in a tattoo shop before finding one and trust me, i've been lucky. I also wanted to leave my actual city cause i've been there for 8 years, and really like the one he's in, made friends, etc. So even if it doesn't work out with him i'll have everything I need here 🙂

Now that i've mentionned not moving together with him, he asked why and mentionned he said he actually wanted to try last time. But we'll take time to talk things over in another moment during the weekend and i'll state that I think it's just not a good idea and he's not ready. It was just an exchange of a few words so there's no real end to the story for now! 

but I guess I had all the visions and opinions I needed, I'm taking back control and i'll let him know I need to be a little less present for my own sake and also his. Then i'll have proof if he really wants to stay around or not, I don't want to assume anything given that I don't know the whole story and don't want to interpret things in a wrong way. 

Thanks again, you all helped!

[Jaunty]

What are your actual feelings about this guy and the way he is trying so hard to push you away?  You seem kind of detached and almost happy-go-lucky about it.  From where I sit, it seems like it would be fairly devastating.  

If you really are mostly detached, no problem going to the new city where you were supposed to be moving in with him and hanging around with people you've met there assumedly together as a couple with him - "mutual friends."  

I think that's unlikely though.  Perhaps you are glossing over the emotional part of this situation.

A clean start would be healthy.