Am I overreacting about boyfriend’s female friend?

[Magi]

Hello,

Me (F29) and my boyfriend (M30) have been together for over five years.  I have never been jealous and fully trust him whenever he goes out, but recently I have had issues with one particular friend of his. 

A little backstory, my boyfriend moved to my home country about five years ago. We started out in a long term relationship and then he moved here.
So about a year ago he started hanging around some new people (my boyfriend is a major extrovert and making friends is extremely easy for him, I on the other hand am the complete opposite). The group consisted of 4 girls who were 23 years old and liked to party.. a lot.

At first I didn’t mind that he went out to party, as I fully trusted him and knew that nothing would ever happen. Also our other friends were there as well. 
However there were instances when he spent the night at their place (the girls had a house party) and he slept on the couch. This happened three times until I told him how awful that made me feel. (Nothing happened he just passed out)
Soon after that I figured out that he has been talking a lot with one of the girls, let’s call her Kate. Ever since I met Kate I got a weird vibe from her. I get along with her roommate and other two girls, but there is something off about her and I cannot put my finger on it.

Anyway, as Kate is also an expat in the country, she has no family or close friends. And she started to confide in my boyfriend. They became really close- having lunch, her calling in the evenings to discuss her issues with her roommate.. I didn’t see the harm in it at first, but when my boyfriend started hanging out with her more than with me I realized that there was something wrong. My boyfriend and I discussed their relationship and his reply was always the same - he sees her as his little sister and he will try to be better. 
Fast forward to august. Kate’s mother was visiting and my boyfriend was showing her around the city as Kate herself had to work. When my boyfriend returned, he told me that he felt a bit weird with Kate’s mother. He felt that she was trying to make a sales pitch on Kate and even when he said that he had a girlfriend she had shrugged it off and said “Well girlfriend is not a wife, you never know what happens”. 
I was shocked and honestly didn’t even know how to respond to the whole situation. However it didn’t stop there.. 

The next evening we were going to a club to see our friend DJing. Kate and her mother joined as well. At the end of the night I see my boyfriend and Kate talking. My boyfriend then comes over and tells me that he will send Kate and her mom to the taxi and will come right back. Not two minutes later Kate approaches me and says “Do not go anywhere, we will be right back”. I was confused for why she needed to tell me anything and nodded. I resumed dancing and noticed that it has been over 10 minutes since my boyfriend left, so I texted him to ask where he went. 
Apparently Kate told him that I was okay with the fact that he would go to her place and even tried to manipulate him into staying longer (to have snacks or more drinks). When my boyfriend found out from me that I had no clue he demanded to leave and return (I had already left to go home as I was fuming). When he came home he explained that Kate had told him that I was okay with everything and even though I didn’t seem okay to him, he was pulled into the taxi.

During the days after that night, he had a fight with Kate, where she called me a liar. She claimed that I was bending her words and manipulating him. After all that we didn’t see or hear from her for about a month. 
Now however they are back to communicating like nothing happened. My boyfriend said that he would have a serious talk with her as Kate is his closest friends, but he told me that the talk didn’t happen as Kate doesn’t like confrontation. I would like to talk to her as well, I have expressed my desire multiple times, but it seems she is avoiding me.

And now few weeks ago they decided to start a business together, making them meet several times a week. I have asked if I can join them, however my boyfriend said that maybe not to Kate’s place as that may make her uncomfortable…..

I have told my boyfriend that I feel Kate may be having feelings for him or is trying to deny her feelings for him. My boyfriends mom also told him to be careful of her… He doesn’t think she has feelings for him and considers her like a sister… 
I feel like maybe I am overthinking and/or overreacting in this situation, but I don’t know how to handle this anymore… 

[Wiseman2]

Do you live together? Is he working or studying in your country? Does he have a visa/residency. Step way back. Tell him if he wants to date other women and have sleepovers with them, you'll be stepping aside. Please don't worry about the women and demonize them. Your BF is the problem and he's loving the attention. That's fine, but please find a loyal mature man for yourself. 

[smackie9]

Oh ya girl this Kate does have a thing for your BF. Time to stomp your foot down on this. It's pretty damn obvious she's been filling her mother's ear about how much she wants him, and it came to fruition when she manipulated you and him that night. She had a plan to break you two up. You are going to have to really push to have this ended with them. I sure as hell wouldn't put up with it. What you can do is tell him to turn the tables, and how would he feel if you were this chummy with a guy and he was trying to pull you away from him. Your BF is 30 damn years old.....isn't time he grew the f up? I suggest you two find ways to spend more time together, like find a hobby, something you can do together, rather than him going out partying. 

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't put my foot down. I would calmly explain that I'm not comfortable with how close he is with Kate and I'm choosing to remove myself from the relationship. 

It's glaringly obvious something more is going on but it's not clear from what you wrote if your boyfriend is honestly this clueless or if he's deceiving you. Either way, I wouldn't continue with the way things are 

Just FYI I had a similar situation with my husband while we were just dating (although not to this extent). I calmly told him I wouldn't continue with him as long as he continued to choose to spend time with this other girl. He chose me and stopped spending time with the other girl. When she protested he told her I was his priority and as a result he wasn't going to do anything to risk our relationship. And he stuck to it.

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Magi said:

Hello,

Me (F29) and my boyfriend (M30) have been together for over five years.  I have never been jealous and fully trust him whenever he goes out, but recently I have had issues with one particular friend of his. 

A little backstory, my boyfriend moved to my home country about five years ago. We started out in a long term relationship and then he moved here.
So about a year ago he started hanging around some new people (my boyfriend is a major extrovert and making friends is extremely easy for him, I on the other hand am the complete opposite). The group consisted of 4 girls who were 23 years old and liked to party.. a lot.

At first I didn’t mind that he went out to party, as I fully trusted him and knew that nothing would ever happen. Also our other friends were there as well. 
However there were instances when he spent the night at their place (the girls had a house party) and he slept on the couch. This happened three times until I told him how awful that made me feel. (Nothing happened he just passed out)
Soon after that I figured out that he has been talking a lot with one of the girls, let’s call her Kate. Ever since I met Kate I got a weird vibe from her. I get along with her roommate and other two girls, but there is something off about her and I cannot put my finger on it.

Anyway, as Kate is also an expat in the country, she has no family or close friends. And she started to confide in my boyfriend. They became really close- having lunch, her calling in the evenings to discuss her issues with her roommate.. I didn’t see the harm in it at first, but when my boyfriend started hanging out with her more than with me I realized that there was something wrong. My boyfriend and I discussed their relationship and his reply was always the same - he sees her as his little sister and he will try to be better. 
Fast forward to august. Kate’s mother was visiting and my boyfriend was showing her around the city as Kate herself had to work. When my boyfriend returned, he told me that he felt a bit weird with Kate’s mother. He felt that she was trying to make a sales pitch on Kate and even when he said that he had a girlfriend she had shrugged it off and said “Well girlfriend is not a wife, you never know what happens”. 
I was shocked and honestly didn’t even know how to respond to the whole situation. However it didn’t stop there.. 

The next evening we were going to a club to see our friend DJing. Kate and her mother joined as well. At the end of the night I see my boyfriend and Kate talking. My boyfriend then comes over and tells me that he will send Kate and her mom to the taxi and will come right back. Not two minutes later Kate approaches me and says “Do not go anywhere, we will be right back”. I was confused for why she needed to tell me anything and nodded. I resumed dancing and noticed that it has been over 10 minutes since my boyfriend left, so I texted him to ask where he went. 
Apparently Kate told him that I was okay with the fact that he would go to her place and even tried to manipulate him into staying longer (to have snacks or more drinks). When my boyfriend found out from me that I had no clue he demanded to leave and return (I had already left to go home as I was fuming). When he came home he explained that Kate had told him that I was okay with everything and even though I didn’t seem okay to him, he was pulled into the taxi.

During the days after that night, he had a fight with Kate, where she called me a liar. She claimed that I was bending her words and manipulating him. After all that we didn’t see or hear from her for about a month. 
Now however they are back to communicating like nothing happened. My boyfriend said that he would have a serious talk with her as Kate is his closest friends, but he told me that the talk didn’t happen as Kate doesn’t like confrontation. I would like to talk to her as well, I have expressed my desire multiple times, but it seems she is avoiding me.

And now few weeks ago they decided to start a business together, making them meet several times a week. I have asked if I can join them, however my boyfriend said that maybe not to Kate’s place as that may make her uncomfortable…..

I have told my boyfriend that I feel Kate may be having feelings for him or is trying to deny her feelings for him. My boyfriends mom also told him to be careful of her… He doesn’t think she has feelings for him and considers her like a sister… 
I feel like maybe I am overthinking and/or overreacting in this situation, but I don’t know how to handle this anymore… 

First, what is wrong with your boyfriend that he is hanging out with a girl 7 years younger who likes to drink and party?

He's not a kid anymore, but he is acting like one.

Secondly, you are slowing losing your boyfriend to Kate.

No, they are not platonic.

No, he is not going to put boundaries with her, he likes her a great deal.

He doesn't respect your feelings, or your hurt as he refuses to tell Kate to back off.

He is enjoying having the company of two girlfriends (because at this stage, may as well call it that).

All that is waiting to happen now is for them to kiss, and I would say it's not long off.

Once that happens, you'll lose him.

They crossed the boundaries of "just friends", long time ago.

[SherrySher]

What would I do?

I would start packing his things, let him now it's over and that would be it.

Not many women would want a man who chooses young women that want to party, when he is darn well 30 years old!

Or would want a man who is that immature, has zero respect for my feelings, is not respectful towards our relationship and allows a total jerk to manipulate and play games like this.

I don't blame Kate, because she is only the temptation, and the one who is offering your boyfriend all the wrong things.

I blame him, because he is the one gladly taking all of it and treating you like garbage.

I would let Kate have him and not look back.

He is not worth it, and no amount of explaining to him is going to make sense.

He will always justify he and Kates behavior.

[Andrina]

Yes, quite shocking that he's 30, whereas I might not be shocked if this was a 17 year old who was still sowing his wild oats and not ready for a serious relationship.

Because a person who loves his partner and wants a lifetime with her will adjust what he does in his free time and with friends from how he behaved as a single man.

How he lives his life and the decisions he makes is not conducive to being in a loving relationship with his SO.

A man like this doesn't value you. He doesn't love you how any person deserves to be loved by a partner. I wouldn't even bother with any ultimatum or give him any time to prove he's the man you deserve. He already knew you were uncomfortable and keeps that woman in his life anyway. He's made his choice, so it's up to you to make your choice. The wise choice, in this situation, is to exit this fiasco. I'm sorry you've been treated so poorly and that this relationship didn't turn out how you hoped.

[rainbowsandroses]

@MagiI agree with most others about saying nothing and leaving them to it.

After 5 years together your relationship has run its course and if you don't end it now, you can be sure as heck HE will, to be with Kate exclusively.  Especially after they begin their business together.  

I wonder who's funding the business?  It wouldn't surprise me if it was Kate's mother who orchestrated it, they both sound like a piece of work, like mother like daughter.

Sorry it didn't work out.  

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Magi said:

I have told my boyfriend that I feel Kate may be having feelings for him or is trying to deny her feelings for him.

It's clearly going both ways, Magi. 

It's plain as day this isn't just about her. He's part of the problem and he likes her back. I would leave them to it, hard as it may be. 

He's drifting away from you and directly to her, and that is on him. He is making that choice. It's pointless talking to either of them anymore, other than to inform him that your relationship is over. He is on his way out, anyway. 

I'm really sorry.  

[Batya33]

I agree totally with all the others and I am a person who is very supportive of friendships during serious relationships regardless of gender.  Friendships -not this which is her having her hooks in him and him lapping it up.  Let him be with her.  I'm really sorry.

[Jaunty]

This has gone way to far for your "relationship" ever to recover.   He's much more invested in what he has going on with Kate than what he does with you.   I'm sorry.

[Kwothe28]

If your boyfriend is considerate to not hurt some woman feelings over your feelings, maybe its time to change a boyfriend. Why does he needs to show her mother around? Or to hang around her place alone? Or after all it happened to even start a business together? 

That smells funny business and has "disrespect" written all over it. And you should go "Scorched Earth" on it.

[tattoobunnie]

Is he 19, or was he born yesterday?  NO, and NO.  He is trying to have his cake and eat it too.  Sorry, but he sucks.  This isn't a her problem.  It's a he is choosing her over you every single time problem.