Female Friend Ignoring Me After Intimacy

[James90]

Hi guys,

 

I've had a female friend for a couple of years. We used to spend a lot of time together. Would make each other laugh and genuinely really enjoyed each others company. She was bi and always had girlfriends. I do like her but I want to be her friend more than anything. 
 

anyway, recently when she broke up her with girlfriend. She was really keen to see me as soon as that happened. Almost flirty saying she's going to wear a sexy outfit etc and I was like ok... anyway we met up, went for dinner... she mentioned that sometimes she has sex with guys when she's really drunk but that it's nothing ever meaningful and  she feels like she's been taken advantage of by men. She also despises how needy they get after seemingly very 'transactional' casual sex.

we chatted a lot about life and we always just really vibe together. Always end up hysterically laughing.  I always just wanted to her to be in my life as a friend, I worried if anything  romantic would happen, it would change our friendship, and overall I just get a long with her. I just want her as a friend so that nothing ever comes between that. She seemed to want the same. 

 

As that night went on, she wanted a cuddle. We cuddled and It got tense sexually.  We both said we don't want anything to change between us and don't want anything getting in the way of us being friends. And I thought great she's on the same page.

 

she started making out with me intensely, said I was good kisser and grabbed my crotch... I knew she had had a lot to drink like me... she begged me to take her home and *** her. But it just felt wrong. I didn't just want to *** someone I cared about as a friend but still had feelings for. And I didn't want anything to damage our friendship. I refused and took her home in a taxi and dropped her off. I didn't just want it to be meaningless sex if we were to do it. We messaged each other the next morning and joked about it. 
 

after that she's slowly disappeared and seemingly cut me out. I tried messaging her twice to say let's do something. But she just ignores me now completely. She has done this in the past but not this hardcore. It's been a couple of months now and I just feel I need to accept she's not the friend I thought she was. 
 

I know I need to walk away but it pains me to think our friendship is over when I thought we both valued it... 

 

Prior to this she would always say she loved me and all sorts of *** like our friendship meant something deeply to her. And I just feel like maybe she just used me or doesnt care as much as I do...

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, James90 said:

. She has done this in the past but not this cold.

She's probably embarrassed she got so drunk and silly. Let the dust settle, she will probably reach out after some time. It seems this is her pattern. Please try to date women who are interested in what you want. 

[Andrina]

It's best that this friendship ends, as you will be driving away any dating prospects when they feel the dynamic between you and the friend. You have a crush on her, and most women aren't blind to seeing how you won't be a good dating prospect when you would've wanted romance with your friend if the friend had been willing.

Many friendships end for many good reasons, and this is one of those times. If she eventually reaches out, I'd explain for your own good, you'll have to go no contact. This will free you emotionally to bond with dating prospects, and free up time to devote to finding a girlfriend. 

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, James90 said:

after that she's slowly disappeared and seemingly cut me out. I tried messaging her twice to say let's do something. But she just ignores me now completely. She has done this in the past but not this hardcore. It's been a couple of months now and I just feel I need to accept she's not the friend I thought she was. 

Exactly.

Sounds like she was just 'leaning' on you for some attention & support, after her BU 😕 .

Is best to be true friends with those who value you in a healthy manner. 

[James90]

Thanks all 

[shouldhavelearned]

She told you.

She drinks and it doesn't mean anything. 

Bad combination.

[catfeeder]

She told you her pattern, then she positioned you in a no-win situation. Either you went with her pattern, so she could blow you off and feel superior, or you wouldn’t play, and she would withdraw and feel like an idiot.

That’s not on you, and good job for not taking the bait.

i’d back off and let her grasp the outcome. If she doesn’t deal with it any time soon, then the person you lost was never a friend. She was a user, and you can’t heal that.

My heart goes out to you, but you are smart and you can turn the experience into resilience. Head high.

[MissCanuck]

She sounds quite immature, really. How old is she? 

She wanted your attention when she was hurting from her break-up. When you didn't give her the sort of validation she was after, well, you weren't that useful to her anymore. 

This isn't a very good friend. Kuods to you for not going there with her, as she seems the type to play games to make herself feel superior to the guys she sleeps with. I can nearly guarantee this would have gotten even messier if you two had had sex. 

It's best to distance yourself from her now. 

[James90]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

She told you her pattern, then she positioned you in a no-win situation. Either you went with her pattern, so she could blow you off and feel superior, or you wouldn’t play, and she would withdraw and feel like an idiot.

That’s not on you, and good job for not taking the bait.

i’d back off and let her grasp the outcome. If she doesn’t deal with it any time soon, then the person you lost was never a friend. She was a user, and you can’t heal that.

My heart goes out to you, but you are smart and you can turn the experience into resilience. Head high.

Experience into resilience is exactly what I'm trying to do. 

Thanks so much 🙂 

[James90]

11 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

She sounds quite immature, really. How old is she? 

She wanted your attention when she was hurting from her break-up. When you didn't give her the sort of validation she was after, well, you weren't that useful to her anymore. 

This isn't a very good friend. Kuods to you for not going there with her, as she seems the type to play games to make herself feel superior to the guys she sleeps with. I can nearly guarantee this would have gotten even messier if you two had had sex. 

It's best to distance yourself from her now. 

She's turning 30 next month. 
 

This isn't first time I've felt she might be using me or at least, only wants me around when she needs something from me. 
 

I also felt things would get bad if we did have sex that night. 
 

Thank you and I will. It's hard because when I see her or bump into her she lights up and is so happy to see me with a big smile on her face and it feels real. 
But outside of that, her patterns of behaviour tell me the complete opposite.

Obviously she's consciously ignoring me. But do you think she's complete aware of how this looks in terms of using me for validation/ emotional support etc?

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, James90 said:

Obviously she's consciously ignoring me. But do you think she's complete aware of how this looks in terms of using me for validation/ emotional support etc?

Caring about that is not her priority. She's about her. What you think or feel about that is irrelevant to her.

If she sees you in public, and it's worth it to her to act like a fan of yours in that moment, she'll do that. If it misleads you, that's unfortunate but not her concern. Obviously.

She's transactional.

So rather than focus on her and what she cares about, shift your focus onto you and what YOU care about. If it's self respect and avoiding toxic people, then it won't matter what kind of show she wants to put on, you'll avoid that scene and move your focus toward finding more sincere people with whom you can bond.

Head high.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, James90 said:

But do you think she's complete aware of how this looks in terms of using me for validation/ emotional support etc?

Yes, and I don't think she much cares. 

 

[smackie9]

It was a one and done. There is no "friendship" in this anymore...the seal is broken. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/20/2023 at 9:59 PM, James90 said:

She started making out with me intensely, said I was good kisser and grabbed my crotch... I knew she had had a lot to drink like me... she begged me to take her home and *** her. But it just felt wrong. I didn't just want to *** someone I cared about as a friend but still had feelings for. And I didn't want anything to damage our friendship. I refused and took her home in a taxi and dropped her off.

Reading this^^ and how she begged you to take her home and  **** her but you refused, I think it’s quite possible SHE felt rejected.  

I mean for all intents and purposes you did reject her advances.  

I realize you did so because it felt wrong and you didn't want to damage the friendship.  However in her eyes as a woman attracted to you and wanting to have sex with you, you weren't interested and she's doing what many men would do if the roles were flipped -  she is moving on.

Just another perspective, it's important to look at every angle and try to consider  how and what the other person may be feeling, in this case her. 

 

[boltnrun]

You were wise to decline. If she was that extremely intoxicated it would have been a very bad idea to have sex with her. There's the thing called "ability to consent" and there have been many cases where a woman was much too intoxicated to be considered able to give consent.

Anything else is just extra drama. 

[rainbowsandroses]

53 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Reading this^^ and how she begged you to take her home and  **** her but you refused, I think it’s quite possible SHE felt rejected.  

I mean for all intents and purposes you did reject her advances.  

I realize you did so because it felt wrong and you didn't want to damage the friendship.  However in her eyes as a woman attracted to you and wanting to have sex with you, you weren't interested and she's doing what many men would do if the roles were flipped -  she is moving on.

Just another perspective, it's important to look at every angle and try to consider  how and what the other person may be feeling, in this case her. 

OP, to add to this^, keep in mind alcohol lowers inhibition, it typically doesn't cause people to behave completely contrary to how they're feeling.  The alcohol simply gave her the courage to act on it..

Again, just another perspective to consider. 

P.S.   OP, I am fairly certain the fact she chose to make out with you intensely, was cognizant enough to express that you were a good kisser and then 'begged' you to take her home and **** her, would constitute "consent" under the law.

She wasn't unconscious, you both had some drinks aka liquid courage.  She acted on it.  

Not saying she for sure felt rejected, just saying it's a possibility.

Why not open the lines of communication and express to her why you rejected her?  Explain it to her exactly how you explained to us - that you didn't want to jeopardize the friendship.  

You've got nothing to lose as she's already gone.  It may help bring her back though, possibly.

Good luck. 

 

[James90]

Hi folks,

ironically a day or two after posting this she messaged me and asked me to join her on a night out with friends. I agreed. 

On the night later on, I pulled her to one side and we had a pretty honest conversation about what happened and basically made it clear we would both keep it platonic and move on. On top of this, not that I mention this, but it felt like a reasonably good time for me close this chapter.
I've realised that she is dealing with some demons. She mentioned she still wants the ex girlfriend who dumped her, who is still leading her on despite rejecting her. And I do now think her wanting to have sex with me was just to ease that pain and to feel wanted. 

I could also sense a change in her attitude towards me and that she might be bitter that I rejected her, despite me doing it for the right reasons.

This has given me some closure and as one of you mentioned, I shouldn't be letting this get in the way of me meeting someone who is right for me. I do care about her but this isn't something I want to be a part of. I do feel I am probably more disposable to her as a friend than I thought. 

 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, James90 said:

. I do care about her but this isn't something I want to be a part of. 

This is the best approach. Friends, but not caught in the crossfire of her chaotic life. 

[catfeeder]

I don't think there's anything more rare than a friendship that remains on a parallel course, over a whole lifetime, without ever diverging from a shared priority of focus. When you can allow for divergence without personalizing it, you lay a groundwork for future phases with someone--IF they end up mattering enough.

I've been around long enough to know that gently allowing people to cycle in and out of our lives, without assigning outcomes, often pays off down the road in unfathomable ways.

Head high, move your focus onto your own best interests, leave the friendship on pause, and trust life to teach you about its degree of significance.

[MrMan1983]

Sounds like you handled this with dignity, like a gent and in all the right ways, you sound very mature and it's her loss if she doesn't value your friendship. Wish you all the best in meeting someone that can appreciate those values.

[LongJohn75]

I don't mean to be blunt but friends don't typically F their friends. Then they are no longer friends, you are well out of the friendzone and probably in the cold right now. I hope.you two can reconcile things. As a man, if I were dating your friend and either found out you two were more or it felt like that was the case. I'd dump her in a heartbeat I wouldn't want to be wading into no mans land of who knows what.

 

Personally I keep my female friends at arms length and very platonic. I don't go alone to their place they don't come alone to mine. I absolutely do not go out drinking or doing dinner with them alone either. Had one too many female friends want to become more after too many drinks and that just felt wrong to me. It's made some of them quite angry for a time but better that than a mistake that'd nuke the friendship. After that they are either with someone or I am if we meet up. I've found that way easier and less awkward.

[James90]

Hi all,

if anyone is interested.

Not to my surprise, this friend hasn't contacted me since. It was disappointing to see such fickle behaviour from someone I looked out for, who I felt did the same. But it's allowed me to realise this could have interfered with me finding a decent partner, and that this was probably never a real friendship.

I have clearer boundaries now and know my own value, what I deserve from friends and relationships alike.

And good news, I'm now in a relationship with someone who I've been speaking to for over a year now and feel positive about the direction it's going. 
 

Cheers,

 

James
 

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Nice update 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, James90 said:

.ot to my surprise, this friend hasn't contacted me since.

 I'm now in a relationship with someone who I've been speaking to for over a year now and feel positive about the direction it's going

Sorry this happened. However you're right about the friend. Good luck with the new lady. Seems like you cleared the way for that.