I feel sad remembering a date from a long time ago

[wittgkant]

I feel very sad sometimes when i start to remember a date I had back in 2019. At that moment in my life I was 20: I had just moved to another neighbourhood. She was my age and we meet on Tinder. I remember that we went for ice cream. The date itself, to me, what good. We were laughing and the convo was good. During that time I was seeing someone else but I wasnt sure about things so I went to the date with remords (we became official that week but broke up the following month) and the other person i was seeing was texting me while I was on the date. I remember vividly how the date end it. To this day it makes me sad and dont understand why that happened.

 

So we were young and our city has not very good bus system. It was late and she lived with her parents. So we called an uber. The uber took some time to come and we were kinda in a rush i dont remember why, because it was getting late. So we get into the uber and I'm texting the person (but I was telling her that it was my dad... she kept insisting that if i had told my dad about it so he can pick me up) I was dating. Then I see her sudden change, she became serious: her facial expression turned very serious very fast. I ask what I happened and she said nothing. Then randomly she caresses my cheek in a very loving way. Then the next day she wrote a long text saying that we were better off as friends. I ignored it and deleted her off my facebook friends. To this day I dont remember her name.

 

To this day I feel sad when I remember that day of 2019. It was the best date that I had. Since then I have been in countless dates, I have seeen people, engage in multiple unsurious relationships yet I havent experienced what I felt that day. In the moment I didnt realize it ; I was not in the moment and that probably play into the fact of not wanting to be more than friends. She was a great soul, an amazing talker, had a beautiful laugh and just what I wanted from a girl.

I feel sick to myself ; thorned in my soul regarding that. I grant you that maybe I am putting great deal of emphasis on this. That maybe she just didnt liked me, and thats fair. But everytime that i remember her touching me my cheeks my heart crumbles. I dont remember her name. I only know where she used to work and thats it.

This is my story about a fantasy ruined by my past self.

 

I know my behaviour was not the right one to begin with. I just feel sad when I think about her. I feel discouraged that such small interaction (we saw each other for 4 hours) that took place 4 years ago has such a big place. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, wittgkant said:

 the other person i was seeing was texting me while I was on the date. 

Sorry this happened. Hang in there with dating and being older and wiser now. Put the phone away on dates. Try not to juggle too many women at once. 

[Batya33]

I commend her for caring about herself and showing herself respect.  For her it was a good date until you rudely texted someone else and lied to her - just texting in general is rude unless an emergency but you also lied.  I'm glad she didn't waste more time with you.  It was really polite of her to follow up.  It's not about whether she "liked" you - if she has standards where she only associates with people who treat her with basic manners and respect - then why in the world would she want to see you again?  

Your memories of the date are your memories -enjoy them, be nostalgic, use them as an excuse to not give others a chance -you don't have to date anyone -but please know you did not treat this person with thoughtfulness or respect IMO.

[smackie9]

karma is a b%^&* eh? Do rude/wrong things and that $%^& catches up to you. Try being less selfish with your actions/choices and good things will come to you. 

[wittgkant]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I commend her for caring about herself and showing herself respect.  For her it was a good date until you rudely texted someone else and lied to her - just texting in general is rude unless an emergency but you also lied.  I'm glad she didn't waste more time with you.  It was really polite of her to follow up.  It's not about whether she "liked" you - if she has standards where she only associates with people who treat her with basic manners and respect - then why in the world would she want to see you again?  

Your memories of the date are your memories -enjoy them, be nostalgic, use them as an excuse to not give others a chance -you don't have to date anyone -but please know you did not treat this person with thoughtfulness or respect IMO.

You’re very much reaching. It was a quick text and we weren’t even talking when I did that. I understand that it wasn’t good of me. But you’re treating me like it was a capital offense what I did. Then why did she caress my cheek after me doing that ? Then again, I know I shouldn’t have done that of texting someone but it was so quick. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Is there a way you can find her on SM and reach out?  People do this all the time, have met up and began dating again, sometimes after years! 

But even if nothing becomes of it, at least you can stop the wondering which imo is keeping you stuck.

I'm envisioning a different scenario from the one presented by a few posters, and don't think you did anything too egregious. 

One brief text, I highly doubt that was the reason she wanted to be "just friends." JMO I could be wrong.

Hindsight is 20/20, we all do things we wish we could take back or do differently. And then there's those dreaded "what ifs".

But that's life.  We live and we learn.  

You're still very young, you have your whole life ahead.  

Embrace the memory. 

 

[Kwothe28]

I think its important to introspect why after 4 years, you are still clinging to one date that led to nothing. And that is this

10 hours ago, wittgkant said:

Since then I have been in countless dates, I have seeen people, engage in multiple unsurious relationships yet I havent experienced what I felt that day.

You think it was a great date and that it would lead to something special. Which is fine. But there are many aspects you dont consider. As how was the date for her? Or even that she didnt wanted to be with you. So, its kinda pointless to feel guilty about it. As you really cant change anything now. Nore would your best behavior(and yes, shooting message to anybody on the date is rude) maybe even helped there. When she just didnt wanted to be with you. 

Again, this is just you thinking you could have made something there. Because you, by now, didnt make something special elsewhere. And think it would be much more productive if you dont dwell on the past as much. And focus on what future holds. For example I am sure in future there would be lots of great dates. With some woman who would actually want to be with you. This one is long gone. I mean, you dont even know her name. Which furthers my point about just you being disapointed about your bad choices in past. This is not about the woman, this is about you.

[wittgkant]

25 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think its important to introspect why after 4 years, you are still clinging to one date that led to nothing. And that is this

You think it was a great date and that it would lead to something special. Which is fine. But there are many aspects you dont consider. As how was the date for her? Or even that she didnt wanted to be with you. So, its kinda pointless to feel guilty about it. As you really cant change anything now. Nore would your best behavior(and yes, shooting message to anybody on the date is rude) maybe even helped there. When she just didnt wanted to be with you. 

Again, this is just you thinking you could have made something there. Because you, by now, didnt make something special elsewhere. And think it would be much more productive if you dont dwell on the past as much. And focus on what future holds. For example I am sure in future there would be lots of great dates. With some woman who would actually want to be with you. This one is long gone. I mean, you dont even know her name. Which furthers my point about just you being disapointed about your bad choices in past. This is not about the woman, this is about you.

Thank you very much for this thoughtful response. You are right about it. Im just clinging because I havent experience that since then. Maybe it is a mix of both: me and the people I meet. Then again this clinging feeling just arises because I can not explain why she caressed me first out of nowhere and yet she did not want to see me again. I just do not understand that point. Thank you. I have some work to do and hopefully the future wont be as bleak. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, wittgkant said:

You’re very much reaching. It was a quick text and we weren’t even talking when I did that. I understand that it wasn’t good of me. But you’re treating me like it was a capital offense what I did. Then why did she caress my cheek after me doing that ? Then again, I know I shouldn’t have done that of texting someone but it was so quick. 

I don't think it was a capital offence. I think early on in dating these sorts of impressions are particularly important.  You made a bad impression on someone who didn't know you well.  Who knows why she wanted to touch you -why did  you want to lie like that? Or text another woman while on a date? Quick is irrelevant.  A rude gesture or actions can take seconds. My sense is - if it were me -she was in shock, then figured leave things on a good note and perhaps she was really concerned that this was unstable behavior on your part -texting then lying about it - she probably saw what you did or sensed it -so she figured keep things smooth and calm and then later type to you that she is not interested in dating you.  That's my take.  

Edited to add- I think she knew you were lying.  I do not think a quick text is a problem at that moment.

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, wittgkant said:

Then again this clinging feeling just arises because I can not explain why she caressed me first out of nowhere and yet she did not want to see me again.

Its a thing some people do. Some people are generally more "warm" or try to appear that way. I had one that liked to hug. And to even caress your biceps area when you talk to each other as a reaction to something you said. Its not really a showing that somebody likes you to the point of wanting to be with you. After all, she didnt wanted to be with you. As my didnt wanted to be with me despite her warm presence.

[SooSad33]

You're still young! We live and we learn.  That was a learning experience.

So, it didn't work out, it happens, a lot! 😉 ( sounds like you're just 'curious'?  What if...?).

That's okay to wonder, what if .... But as I said, we live & we learn, right?

As mentioned, if you're on a date, put the phone away.  Text the other person at another time.  FOCUS on what's in front of you.

Anyways, that was a few yrs ago, time to move forward 🙂 .

 

[catfeeder]

On 10/17/2023 at 11:55 AM, wittgkant said:

I can not explain why she caressed me first out of nowhere and yet she did not want to see me again. I just do not understand that point.

Two things can be true at once: I can like someone a lot, I can enjoy my date with him sincerely, I can appreciate his value as a human being, and I can feel tender enough toward him to reach for a gentle touch before parting--but all of these things don't necessarily add up to the perfect match for a future together.

You've been romanticizing this moment in time as a high bar for any other date to live up to,  but you may want to consider how much fantasy you are assigning to the experience along with how much guilt, which is likely needless, but serves perfectly as some romantic barrier against recognizing realism. Then decide whether you can apply enough realism to new dates to appreciate them beyond how well they can recreate for you one romantic moment in your past that you've idolized into your private saboteur.

Your decision about this can either open new vision, or it can narrow your vision and drill you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

[MrMan1983]

Believe me, once you reach 30/40/50 you'll have a list of shoulda coulda woulda's. It happens. All you can do is learn from it, live in the moment now you're very young and sure a decent date or two will be round the corner.

[Andrina]

When we are not happy in the present, we sometimes look to the past to find it, but it's never there.

It sounds like the feeling you're seeking, of being cared for, is encompassed in that showing by a caress of your cheek. Not necessarily the particular human, whom you spent a few hours with.

In each of those dating experiences, you've learned more about yourself--what you seek in a relationship and what you reject. This all hasn't been a waste of time.

Since it sounds like you now would like to be in a good relationship, maybe change up the ways you meet women. Join some Meetup.com groups. Do volunteer work. Take classes: dancing, cooking, painting, pottery. Join a co-ed sports team. You often have to date a boatload before finding the keeper. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

…You often have to date a boatload before finding the keeper. Good luck.

Yep, most people are not our match. While that may be frustrating, it’s true for everyone. If you believe that ‘everybody else’ walks right into a great relationship after screening out just a few people, you’re sabotaging yourself with fiction.

Dating is all about screening OUT people who are not right for you. If you’re taking women out on full dates to do that, then you’re creating an even bigger frustration level by wasting far too much time and money on each bad match.

Skip that. Set up a bunch of quick meet’s over coffee on your way home from work, and spend 20 minutes or so checking one another out. Agree that neither will ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If it’s a yes, the other responds, if not, no response is necessary. This bypasses squirmy rejections.

If the date you’re hung up on was such a great match, it would not have been so fragile for her to turn you down over one lousy text. So for your own sake, let go of that, and you’ll thank yourself sooner rather than later.