Partner flirting?

[Kate88]

So I see these messages on my boyfriend's phone.. let's not talk about how I saw them, please. So they started off being from his bday last year when a girl says happy bday.. so he was out for a stroll and sent her a bunch of photos (the same ones he sent to me that same day). A few months later there's a message from her asking when he is going to come visit her, now he sometimes works where she works so I don't know if that's work relates or what (he replies I'll be there wed and fri). Then a week later she messages asking are you coming to say goodbye, I don't know where she was going btw (he replies saying, I'm not sure you can handle anymore goodbyes). Then just recently there is a message asking him to do a job (work) for her, he teases saying why did you leave it so late to ask me, then says I suppose I can let you off this one time. Then most recent there's a message from him to her saying "the perfume on the cash was a nice touch 😋" ( he did a job for her), she replies saying it was because it had been in her bag and then told him not to flatter himself. I know they will be working together again for who knows how long for. She sounds very flirty but he is not repelling her and is also now flirting back with her. Thing is she's like 18 and he's 32. But the worst thing is we have had so many discussions and arguments about how I find flirting while in a relationship completely unacceptable, yet he goes and does this. Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Kate88 said:

 I know they will be working together again for who knows how long for. .we have had so many discussions and arguments about how I find flirting while in a relationship completely unacceptable.Thing is she's like 18 and he's 32. 

How long have you been dating? Do you live together? In what capacity do they see each other and work together? 

Have there been other suspicious behaviors or reasons to worry? What inspired you to go through his devices? What prompted the "no flirting" talks you had?  It seems like you don't trust him. 

How is your relationship in general? As far as this dialogue, it's hard to make anything out of it. Except he's flattered by the attention of a teenager just barely over half his age. A little creepy but not from her end. 

How is your communication in general? You don't even seem to know much about him such as where he works and who his coworkers are.  

Decide how long you are going to argue about boundaries and how long you are going to police his devices and play this cat and mouse game. Are you happy in the relationship? 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Kate88 said:

I see these messages on my boyfriend's phone.. let's not talk about how I saw them, please.

Hi Kate88, and welcome.  :))

To what's bolded, don't have to ask, it's kinda obvious but I'm not here to judge. 

TBH I didn't have to read much further to offer you this advice.   When you get to the point where you're snooping on your boyfriend's devices for information about what he's up to and with whom, don't bother, just end it. 

I mean seriously what IS the point?  

As far as what the messages mean, does it matter?  You don't trust him whether he's cheating or not.  Right?  

Look, we only get one shot at this life, don't waste one precious second of it by being in a relationship with a man where you have to worry about this ****.

Waste of time and NOT worth it.

$.02

[Kate88]

5yrs, own a house since 2 months before his bday last year. They don't work together as such, but he does work for her every few month at a workplace (they need to message to organise this).

No other reasons to worry. I know I don't trust him. I told him not long after I met him I find flirting to be disrespectful to our relationship - I believe you should not be showing interest in others when you are committed. 

Our relationship has been good, this year we have drifted apart a little but nothing that isn't able to be fixed. 

He told me when she wanted him to visit her, it wasn't for work, it was a social event. 

Our communication is usually fine. His job is such that he travels constantly and sees a lot of different people. So no, I don't know where he goes or who he sees each day. He's told me about the majority of the people and places. But clearly not this girl, he says he avoids telling me things sometimes and lies instead. 

I'm not going to argue about boundaries. He knows what they are already. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Kate88 said:

, he says he avoids telling me things sometimes and lies instead. 

And you are ok with that? 

[Kate88]

No, of course not. He thinks I will take things the wrong way. Which is not true. This is the first time in 5yrs I've told him he's crossed a boundary.

He admits he lies sometimes, but says it's only to keep me happy. 

[boltnrun]

The remainder of your relationship with him will involve going through his phone and scouring his social media.

Does that sound pleasant to you?

[Kate88]

No, I don't want a relationship like that. I want to trust my partner and feel like he's honest and respectful enough to value our relationship. I want someone mature and devoted, who doesn't see the need to act like this.

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Kate88 said:

No, I don't want a relationship like that. I want to trust my partner and feel like he's honest and respectful enough to value our relationship. I want someone mature and devoted, who doesn't see the need to act like this.

Since he won't "change" unless HE wants to, do you feel you have a decision to make?

[Kate88]

No. I mean I guess the decision is whether I believe he wants to, can or will. Whether he wants to, I don't know. 

The only thing meaningful that could change here is his actions, his words mean nothing to me. 

[shouldhavelearned]

He knows you wouldn't like it

Issues on both sides

 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Kate88 said:

He admits he lies sometimes, but says it's only to keep me happy. 

How much you want to bet there has been many instances of behavior like this and this is just a tip of the iceberg?

5 hours ago, Kate88 said:

I want someone mature and devoted, who doesn't see the need to act like this.

Yeah, then you have nothing to seek with somebody who is proven liar and possibly a cheater. Because you dont send messages like that to somebody unless you plan something. And that age difference? Yuck.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Kate88 said:

No. I mean I guess the decision is whether I believe he wants to, can or will. Whether he wants to, I don't know. 

The only thing meaningful that could change here is his actions, his words mean nothing to me. 

He's made that decision already you simply are ignoring it.  He is deciding he will lie to cover his tracks and so you're not upset with him, he is deciding to send inappropriate messages to -a teenage girl, he is deciding to play with fire by sending and permitting suggestive messages with a teenager girl.

You are pretending that you just have to throw up your hands and tolerate it -lest you find yourself "alone" and having to go through the stress of a breakup.  Choose your stress -I wouldn't have enough stomach meds to keep looking over my shoulder to see what messages/texts/calls are coming next.

I've known my partner (as of Halloween) a total of 29 years.  I've been involved with him romantically about 20 of those years.  Married almost 15. We over the years have stayed in touch with exes, worked with really attractive men and women, hung out with exes, dated and been involved with several people for the almost 8 years we were apart.

Times we cheated/behaved inappropriately: zero.

Times I checked any of his devices/emails/calls/eavesdropped: zero. Same for him - zero. (Exception -if  I walk by and see an important call on his phone come up and/or an important email I won't read the email but I'll tell him what I saw -he'd do the same for me)

Times I had issues with his contact with someone of the opposite gender - a few  - meaning I didn't like how often a work colleague was calling, and on his end he didn't like a male friend asking to meet me for a drink in one specific situation. In the first instance I told him -he said he was being careful and I trusted him.  The end.

In the second I didn't entirely agree with the inappropriate nature of it - and I immediately cancelled the plan because he was more important to me than the friend -the friend not only understood, he apologized and went out of his way to befriend my future husband.  All good.   

Why zero? Cause I trust him and he trusts me.  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Kate88 said:

. I want to trust my partner and feel like he's honest and respectful enough to value our relationship. I want someone mature and devoted, who doesn't see the need to act like this.

How is your relationship otherwise? Is there a reason you bought a house together if he is not the man you hoped he would be?  Has he ever cheated or been flirtatious and inappropriate with women in your presence?

Does he feel your suspicions are unfounded? It's odd he claims he lies to you to get you off his back about it. Perhaps your concerns about his dismissive attitude are valid, but this cat and mouse game sounds exhausting. 

[smackie9]

Here's the deal...it takes two to fix and build a relationship that has trust/respect, and honesty. He wants no part in that and would rather gaslight you/stick to his old ways of handling you. You can't force him to change. But you can change partners...leave him. 

[boltnrun]

If he didn't do things that make you unhappy he wouldn't "need" to lie to make you happy.

[rainbowsandroses]

Kate, there is another thread running in this section entitled "My boyfriend continues following models on social media," please read my response to the OP @Sannexon that thread.

Same advice applies to you here.

[Andrina]

18 hours ago, Kate88 said:

But the worst thing is we have had so many discussions and arguments about how I find flirting while in a relationship completely unacceptable, yet he goes and does this. Thoughts?

Well, you stick around after talking blue in the face about how he has crossed boundaries, so obviously you do accept it, otherwise you'd be gone by now.

Communication hasn't worked, and decent people put their own boundaries in place, even when a partner isn't around to see and hear what is happening.

Whenever I became exclusive with someone, I made sure we were on the same page with relationship boundaries, and told them the consequences if they were broken. Such as: I don't give second chances for cheating. If it happens once, I'm done.

Even if your bf promised to never do that again, doesn't it already sicken you that he behaved in this manner? Enough to no longer think of him as a prized, longterm partner?

[rainbowsandroses]

25 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Such as: I don't give second chances for cheating. If it happens once, I'm done.

Even if your bf promised to never do that again, doesn't it already sicken you that he behaved in this manner? Enough to no longer think of him as a prized, longterm partner?

Exactly^.  You lose respect, I did when my ex cheated.  

Oh sure we were going through a tough time and it didn't mean anything blah blah, damage done!

There are better and more mature and respectful ways to cope.

Bottom line is respect and trust are gone, it could never be the same. 

Honestly Kate, I am trying understand, but his behavior is insulting. 

 

[Kate88]

I've talked to him again, he is saying that his messages were not intended in a romantic or sexual way, I said but they are still flirty! He admitted they were flirty but then turns around and says it's fine?!

I've told him I'm sticking to my boundaries - I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who flirts, someone who doesn't put a stop to others advances and someone who continues to interact with other people in a way that I feel is disrespectful to us.

Yes I know, he was texting someone last night and the amount of stress/ anger I felt was awful. 

He has a flirty personality, he always has. But this with a teenager?! Really makes me feel sick.

[MissCanuck]

This is gross on a few levels. 

I would seriously re-consider the relationship if I were you. He's way too comfortable breaking your boundaries, and with a woman who is barely legal? Yikes. 

[boltnrun]

11 hours ago, Kate88 said:

I've told him I'm sticking to my boundaries - I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who flirts, someone who doesn't put a stop to others advances and someone who continues to interact with other people in a way that I feel is disrespectful to us.

So you have ended the relationship?  Because if you didn't, then you ARE willing to be in a relationship with someone who flirts, doesn't put a stop to others advances and continues to interact with other people in a way that you feel is disrespectful to your relationship.  

[catfeeder]

On 10/11/2023 at 8:47 PM, Kate88 said:

…He told me when she wanted him to visit her, it wasn't for work, it was a social event. 

…He's told me about the majority of the people and places. But clearly not this girl,

…he says he avoids telling me things sometimes and lies instead. 

The first two statements contradict one another. The last one tells you all you need to know. You get to decide whether you want to spend your life living like this, or whether you want to leave him.

He’s basically told you that he’s not going to change his omissions and lies, and you get to choose what you’ll do with that.

[Kate88]

He still hasn't agreed to stop seeing her.

Worst, he blames me by saying I went looking for something to find, it's only a problem because I wanted to find a problem!

I feel even more betrayed than ever.

I don't want to be with someone like that but I am having panic attacks over the thought of losing him 😭

[lostandhurt]

22 minutes ago, Kate88 said:

I don't want to be with someone like that but I am having panic attacks over the thought of losing him 😭

Can you please explain to us and maybe yourself exactly what you will be losing?

Frustration? Lies? Deceit? Disrespect? Disregard for your feelings? Feeling sick when he is texting someone? Always wondering who he is flirting with? Lack of trust?

These are things I see you losing when you kick him to the curb...

 Lost