Dating a girl who already has a boyfriend of 4 years

[Bill Crypt]

So this is going to be a very messy situation. 

I have a family friend who I've had a decent bond with since childhood. We both used to hang out a lot and developed feelings for each other and there was a lot of tension from the start, however we never confessed. Then we grew up and parted ways but still were in contact. Fast forward to now, she has a boyfriend of 4 years and is in a long-distance. I was single at the time and had to move back to my hometown. Our houses were adjacent to each other so there was a lot of hanging out. I kept falling for her and eventually decided to confess, and got rejected at first. I was devastated because I was at a very low point in my life also back then and I just limited my contact to move on. But one day, there was an opportunity, (which is a story in itself,) and we kissed. Eventually, we used to make out a lot and kind of got into this relationship that we haven't named yet. From there, it led to sex. However, I got way too attached emotionally now and even she says she is. 

The problem is that I have become too insecure in this relationship. Because she is obviously not ready to leave her boyfriend (who is probably better than me) and says she just can't but she doesn't want to leave me or lose me at all because of the bond we have. If we end things, it's just not possible for us to be in contact and I cannot afford that. But whenever I think of her with her boyfriend, it hurts. I know I shouldn't have gotten into this relationship at all because she is cheating and is not sure of me, but I just cannot leave anymore. It's hurting me a lot. I have become way too insecure which has led to a lot of fights. We have also broken up a couple of times but she always comes back. I don't know what to do anymore.

[MissCanuck]

First of all, you are not in a relationship with her. 

She is already in a relationship, and it's not with you. I understand what you mean, but it's important that you don't frame this (to yourself) as a relationship. That's leading you to get even more confused emotionally. 

Also, you can just leave if you want. You are capable, but you don't want to. That too is a big difference that is not just semantics. Just as she is perfectly capable of breaking up with her boyfriend to actually be with you - but she doesn't want to. 

15 minutes ago, Bill Crypt said:

Because she is obviously not ready to leave her boyfriend (who is probably better than me)

Forget him for a second, and look at her. She is not a quality woman. You can do better. She is selfish, dishonest, and lacks a moral compass. You would never be able to trust this chick, and with good reason. You know what she is capable of when a boyfriend's head is turned. A real relationship with her would be a disaster because she is of poor character. 

Look, this is eventually going to blow up. Whether her boyfriend finds out or she finds another guy to cheat with or (unlikely) she has a sudden jolt of consciousness and stops it herself, this has an expiration date. When that date comes, it won't be you that she goes to. She'd already have made that choice if she really saw something in you. Whether you two stop this now or later, it is not going to end the way you want. It's currently up to you how long you want to wallow in your own misery here. 

[Bill Crypt]

I truly understand what you're trying to say. And I guess, I've known this fact for as long as I've been with her. I feel like I know what I need to do and what is the right thing to do, it's just that I am finding myself not wanting to leave because this was something I've always wanted to happen I guess. 

But I need to take the big step and I am fully aware of that. I just wanted to explore if I can still stay in contact with this girl after ending things with her? Is there a way not to make myself emotionally attached to her and still be friends?

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Bill Crypt said:

Is there a way not to make myself emotionally attached to her and still be friends?

No. 

It is not realistic to expect that you can somehow detach emotionally. You won't be able to do that without taking a lot of time and space away from her. That's not how the human heart works, which you surely know. You're fooling yourself if you think you can manage that. 

Consider this: she isn's a good friend to you. She laps up your attention and affection, even though she clearly knows this whole situaton hurts you. This woman does not have your best intentions in mind. She is doing what feels good to her, and doesn't seem to much care who else she hurts along the way. This isn't how a decent person behaves.

[Bill Crypt]

I understand. I literally tried to break 'whatever this is' off a couple of days ago for good. I did not contact her for a day and she did not try to get back that day. (Our break-ups usually last for a few hours) But in the end, she ALWAYS comes back. No matter how bad the fight is, she always tries to get back with me in any way possible. We have talked about her boyfriend before and it is a sensitive topic for both of us, understandably. Whenever I try to confront her about it, she always plays it off with 'You knew what you were getting into.'

But I think I should just block her off for my sake now after letting her know clearly what is bothering me and why I want to break up. This was long due and it's time to muster up the strength and resolve to finally follow through.

Thanks a lot for replying. You've been a great help! 🙂 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Bill Crypt said:

We have talked about her boyfriend and she always plays it off with 'You knew what you were getting into.'

She's right, you did. But what does this tell you about this woman's character? 

She's garbage. Block her. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

If this is the type of person you want for yourself, and that you want to be (you aren’t completely innocent here either) then carry on. 
 

but as already pointed out to you - when her own boyfriends head is turned, she plays with other men.  It’s safe for you to assume that if she left her bf (she won’t), and committed to you, she will do the same behind your back because it’s her character.  Remember, when people cheat with you, they will cheat on you. So yes, you knew what you signed up for: a liar, a cheater, and a morally corrupt individual. 
 

and as far as you are concerned, you are complicit in traumatizing her poor boyfriend who has been left in the dark.  Again, this is her character, this is who she is, she will do the same to you; but maybe that’s something you need to experience in order to have empathy for the person you’re willing to betray by proxy?

 

also, consider the fact that the more you lie along with her and sneak around, the less likely you will be to trust any future partner you have because you’ve now seen how easy it is to pledge allegiances while actively breaking them.  You’ll always wonder if those who seem sincere are living a double life behind your back, just as you participated in. 

 

 

[Deadtoyouforever74]

She will have to choose you or him give her a little time to close one door before she opens another. 

Does that make sense?

You can love many people in many different ways.  Like a lover, like a friend,  like a brother,  like a mother,  like a father, like a cousin,  but no one can love you they way you want to need to be loved unless they are sure what type of love they desire from you. 

[Bill Crypt]

I get all your points and all of you are right. The only reason I chose to indulge in this relationship was the fact that we had this years of bond together, almost 15 years. I always wanted this and she said she did too, but the more I think about it, the more I understand how wrong I am here. The only right thing to do is break up and cut all contact, which is what I'm going to do.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Bill Crypt said:

, she has a boyfriend of 4 years and is in a long-distance.. Our houses were adjacent to each other so there was a lot of hanging out.

How old is she and where is the BF?  Why are they long distance? How often does she see him? Are you both living with your parents? Why doesn't she just break up with the distance guy? 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Bill Crypt said:

I truly understand what you're trying to say. And I guess, I've known this fact for as long as I've been with her. I feel like I know what I need to do and what is the right thing to do, it's just that I am finding myself not wanting to leave because this was something I've always wanted to happen I guess. 

But I need to take the big step and I am fully aware of that. I just wanted to explore if I can still stay in contact with this girl after ending things with her? Is there a way not to make myself emotionally attached to her and still be friends?

Canuck wasn't "trying" to "say" anything -she was quite direct with the facts. Your feelings aren't facts.  You are trying to justify settling for scraps "because I feel this/because I've always wanted this.." So do you want a woman who doesn't value loyalty- you'll get together -until someone moves in across the street who's cute and catches her eye.  You know justifying bad choices "cause I want it/cause I feel like it" isn't adulting.  It's not even teenage-ing.  

Even if she leaves him and is not cheating on her partner with you will you ever trust her since she was willing to cheat? 

I'd avoid dramatic situations involving confessions -if you meet someone who is single and you want to date that person no confessions needed or sneaking around -you simply ask that person out on a date you plan in advance.  

Stop trying to say things to yourself to justify this.  Good luck.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Bill Crypt said:

The only reason I chose to indulge in this relationship was the fact that we had this years of bond together, almost 15 years.

I am sorry to say, but who cares? My mother has a good saying: "He who wants me in their life is welcome, he who doesnt can take a high road."(in translation from my language). You clearly want something with her and she clearly is still with her boyfriend and is using you for a side piece. 15 years of knowing or not, she is not respecting you. And yes, you need to detach from this.

5 hours ago, Bill Crypt said:

But I think I should just block her off for my sake now after letting her know clearly what is bothering me

I mean, sure, but leave it at that. Meaning say what you have to say and that you need to block her for your sake and just block her. Dont prolong it and go into fight or expect her to "finally decide for you". Because I am sorry, but that would never happen. Just make a decision and cut yourself out of whole situation.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Bill Crypt said:

 I kept falling for her and eventually decided to confess, and got rejected at first. one day, there was an opportunity.

Exactly. This is an opportunistic situation. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. In this case it's easy, cheap and convenient  for you to just walk next door for noncommittal sex.

You don't even have to bother driving anywhere, going on dates or being in a relationship. It works for her because you're scratching an itch when the BF is not around. 

[smackie9]

It's not that she's not ready to leave her BF....you have never been enough for her. You had 15 years and you still can't have a committed relationship. BTW the name of your situation is an affair. You only provide what maybe lacking in her relationship with her BF. It's wrong, and not the beautiful thing you think it is. I get it, it's so hard to shake all that emotional investment....you are getting played. Stop picking up the phone/answering her text messages. Maybe move and start fresh somewhere else. 

[lostandhurt]

10 hours ago, Bill Crypt said:

Is there a way not to make myself emotionally attached to her and still be friends?

Is there a way for an alcoholic to stay sober and be a bartender?  Of course not.

Let's call this what it is.  You are banging an old dream girl that is cheating on her LDF.  None of this is real because as soon as the bf is back in town you are out.  I am not sure why you think this woman is so great.  She is a liar, cheater with no heart and selfish. 

You have imagined her to be this wonderful girl when clearly she is not and you are nothing more than a distraction/side dude she uses while her bf isn't around.

Have some self respect and get away from her before she soils your soul even more.  I can't imagine you are proud of yourself.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

What kind of advice would you like from us? We don’t need to finger-wag about your front row seat to witness this woman’s capacity for disloyalty, because you’re already being tortured by that.

And you’ve set this up badly for yourself, because you’d have had some plausible deniability if you had held your ground and said that you won’t mess with her unless and until she has broken her relationship and contacts you after she is free and clear.

Instead, you’re positioned in a lose/lose, because even if she ditches the guy, you’ll enjoy that win for about 30 seconds before it occurs to you that now you’re promoted to the next guy she’ll deceive. And you’ll spend your future looking over your shoulder for the next guy, if you aren’t worried about that already.

Advice from Grandma, “The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you are stupid enough to pick up the snake to play with it.”

Good luck with that.

[rainbowsandroses]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You clearly want something with her and she clearly is still with her boyfriend and is using you for a side piece.

I think this (bolded) is rather obvious.  OP since you mentioned your feelings and how they play a role in your decision making process, answer this.

How does it feel being played like a fiddle?  Which is what she's doing.  

She has a boyfriend.  IF she were into you the way you need her to be, the way you are into her, she would have broken up with her boyfriend to be with you.

It's not like they're married and have assets to split, etc.

Ending a relationship is quite easy to do especially when she's got another guy (you) to monkey branch to.

Why has she not done that?  Broken up with him?

Answer:  Because she loves his attention and validation when he's around and when he's not she's got yours.   There may be (and most likely are) other men as well.

She sounds lovely.  NOT.

Good luck. 

[shouldhavelearned]

4 years and still long distance

What's up with that?

You both got what you wanted

Up to her where it goes from here 

[SooSad33]

On 10/10/2023 at 2:03 AM, Bill Crypt said:

But I need to take the big step and I am fully aware of that. I just wanted to explore if I can still stay in contact with this girl after ending things with her? Is there a way not to make myself emotionally attached to her and still be friends?

No.

You have to be done now, totally.  or it'll continue to hurt you.  You need to walk away with some self respect.

 

On 10/10/2023 at 3:37 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

IF she were into you the way you need her to be, the way you are into her, she would have broken up with her boyfriend to be with you.

And this.

This whole thing is unhealthy 😕 .  She is no good for you.

You've had your 'fling'. Now move on and be involved with a decent woman who IS in it all for just YOU!  😉