Was I dating a Girl with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Artist45]

Does anyone know anything about Borderline Personality?

[boltnrun]

If we say she has it, what would that change? 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

Does anyone know anything about Borderline Personality?

You can google it, but you can't diagnose it in someone. Either way you can't fix or change her. . You seem to be oblivious to her alcoholism. Why is that? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

7 hours ago, Artist45 said:

My heart is really twisted right now.  

Why? Because she gave you a high and then left you with a sudden low?

you mention how young and bubbly she is… ok…. Tale old as time: some older bored guy gets a spark back in his life when the young manic pixie dream girl blows through 

then, as quickly as she arrives, she leaves without a trace 

it was a 75 day “relationship,” I’d move this one inward if I were you: start asking why this was so appealing and why is it so difficult to let go of? She was a stranger. 
 

Maybe some introspection will allow you to find voids in your life that you can begin to fill with real connections, hobbies, volunteer work, etc 

[boltnrun]

Like I said before, you are obviously attracted to chaos and dysfunction. Otherwise you wouldn't still be trying to find ways to "get" this thing to work with that young woman. 

Or, she made you feel young and desirable and you feel any erratic behavior you have to put up with is worth it. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Artist45 said:

Does anyone know anything about Borderline Personality?

I do. An ex of mine suffers from BPD. 

What difference will that make to you now, though? None of us can tell you if she affected by it or not, and the relationship is already over. It won't help you move on to go down the rabbit-hole of mental illness analysis. 

The more important factor to focus on is why you were drawn to the dysfunction. We could go on and on about what's up with her, but the better question is, what's up with you? 

Were you particularly lonely when you met her? Not feeling too great about yourself and your dating prospects? There is a reason you didn't run with all the red flags you saw. You need to figure out what that reason is. 

[Deadtoyouforever74]

How do know she has mental illness she's probably an attention seeker. Or trying to ward off unwanted men lol. Just a thought  lol

[Artist45]

Really?…

[Artist45]

6 hours ago, Deadtoyouforever74 said:

How do know she has mental illness she's probably an attention seeker. Or trying to ward off unwanted men lol. Just a thought  lol

The scars on her body were real….

[boltnrun]

24 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

The scars on her body were real….

She needs help from a mental health professional. Not a boyfriend.

And no, it's not on you to "help" her find a mental health professional or to "advise" her.  Or "be there for her". 

[Jaunty]

I do not understand this drive for people to assign a personality disorder, a mental illness, or a pop psych "label" describing specific qualities (like "attachment styles," for example) to other people, especially when they are dating.
 

Dating is about getting to know the person with a view towards whether the two of you would be compatible.

Sometimes the person is bats***t crazy or even evil. Sometimes the interactions are deeply dysfunctional.   Most of the time it's just not a good fit.

Either way, the goal should be to acknowledge when it's not right, cut ties, and move on.  Not to diagnose or label the person.

[Artist45]

On 10/9/2023 at 10:30 AM, Artist45 said:

I do not find the drama thrilling....  just trying to make sense of it all

 

I never stated that I was hoping to continue with her 

[boltnrun]

On 10/8/2023 at 9:20 PM, Artist45 said:

I am really struggling to let it go… I can’t stop wondering if I could have made the relationship work if I had done something better…. 

47 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

I never stated that I was hoping to continue with her 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Artist45 said:

I never stated that I was hoping to continue with her 

Have you heard from her? She's clearly unstable and has alcohol problems. However she "ghosted" you when you had a chance encounter and proposed hooking up.

Perhaps she is in recovery or treatment and was advised to avoid you? Try to let go.  It was a 10 week fling. 

[Artist45]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you heard from her? She's clearly unstable and has alcohol problems. However she "ghosted" you when you had a chance encounter and proposed hooking up.

Perhaps she is in recovery or treatment and was advised to avoid you? Try to let go.  It was a 10 week fling. 

I called her about a month ago to apologize for getting sexual. The conversation was brief, but I got to make amends…

[Artist45]

Also, I did not mention this - I made the dumb mistake of looking at her IG and it looks like she is dating someone…. I feel so discarded by this. Man, the pain is intense

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Artist45 said:

Also, I did not mention this - I made the dumb mistake of looking at her IG and it looks like she is dating someone…. I feel so discarded by this. Man, the pain is intense

What exactly do you miss about her? Hopefully it's not the old standard answer that's basically "when she wasn't behaving like an erratic, unpredictable mess and wasn't ignoring me she was terrific!"

[Artist45]

Ha ha ha.. no. I feel hurt that she left me hanging without an explanation and that I was replaced by someone who is better than me… someone more attractive. she had two pics on IG with her and some dude…. She just deleted one and I just now saw this other one for the first time. They were both taken around the same time…..

[shouldhavelearned]

With all her issues you should feel happiness 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/8/2023 at 10:14 PM, Artist45 said:

 she felt very disrespected when I asked her of she might be pregnant and that she had a lot going on in her life and needed some space...... 

Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no point stalking her social media. She told you why she ended it, basically patronizing and disrespectful behavior on your part. Let go. Live and learn. Next time treat women with respect and maybe you'll do better. 

[Artist45]

Not sure how I disrespected or patronized her....  But yes, I blocked her

During a crying spell< I was throwing out possibilities to try to find out what was bothering her.  I understand now that upset her, but she kept it in and ghosted me for it.   

I do not feel that is an equal and opposite reaction...

 

[Whirling D]

I know a considerable amount about BPD.
 

What do you want to know?

[rainbowsandroses]

@Artist45. I'm of the belief you can't "logic" your way out your feelings by telling yourself she's dysfunctional, toxic, borderline or whatever other derogatory adjective you (or anyone) can come up with. 

Sure, logically we know someone is wrong for us, but that still doesn't stop us from having feelings and emotions for that person.  That's not how the heart works.

All you can do, and trust me I've been there myself, is go through the process of feeling your pain, don't try to bury it or mask it, or even understand it.  

Simply go through that process, however difficult it may be, feel the pain, let it rise to the surface to eventually be released.  Which it will. 

This takes TIME so be patient with yourself.

You WILL heal I promise you and become a stronger more resilient human being for having experienced it.

Take care and good luck.  

 

 

[Artist45]

Thank you very much for this

[redswim30]

OP, I think you need to look more big picture here. 

Stop worrying about what kind of illness she "might" have, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter and you can't do anything about it.  Not to mention, it's a little mean. 

What you CAN do is this- Figure out what drew you so much to her and why you kept going back for more. 

Seriously.  Did you want to be her "savior"?  Was it the thrill of being with a younger woman?

I do think you were a little harsh with her.  After all, you were well aware of her pretty large issues and yet kept going back for more, and as the older "wiser" person- that's on you.   I know people who have dated alcoholics, knew they were alcoholics, then later got mad at them for being alcoholics.  Do you see how unfair that is?  If you are well aware of a person's issues and you accept those issues and present yourself as those not being deal-breakers for you, then it's kinda crappy to go back and throw that in their face during a time of struggle.  After all, she was always honest about who she was- it was YOU that accepted it- repeatedly. That's on you, not her.  What I don't understand is why you were surprised that she repeated the same behavior.  

Nothing YOU ever do can change someone.  And no one person can make a "relationship" work all on their own.  Best thing you can do is move on, learn from it, and try to understand why you were so eager to stay in something that was so clearly unhealthy for you.