Was I dating a Girl with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Artist45]

Thank you.. I feel bad for certain things

[Artist45]

I wish I could stop thinking about her. I know it doesn’t make sense, but a huge part of me wants her back….. I know it’s not healthy, but can’t stop obsessing… it is affecting the way I sleep, eat, etc…

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

I wish I could stop thinking about her. I know it doesn’t make sense, but a huge part of me wants her back….. I know it’s not healthy, but can’t stop obsessing… it is affecting the way I sleep, eat, etc…

Perhaps professional help is needed to help you with your obsession. Especially since you keep flip flopping between "I never said I wanted to continue" and "I can't stop obsessing". 

Nothing wrong with seeing a professional. You would probably see a doctor if you had severe chest pains or broke your leg, right? Your emotional health is just as important as your physical. And if you're to the point where it's affecting your eating and sleeping you could be heading toward a crisis. 

[Artist45]

Just started seeing a therapist

[Artist45]

I want so bad to talk to her to get closure… is that a bad idea?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

I want so bad to talk to her to get closure… is that a bad idea?

You have closure. She has a new BF

 What would be a great idea would be for you to talk to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done as well as get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It's better to know what's going on with you than trying to google and guess what was going on with her.

[Artist45]

Yes, I have an appointment.

I have no idea if she has a new boyfriend or not..

[boltnrun]

40 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

I want so bad to talk to her to get closure… is that a bad idea?

Getting "closure" from someone else is a myth. It's also commonly used as an excuse to see the person who left you. The hope is she'll look at you and say "Gee, I made a terrible mistake! Will you take me back?" And to that end the person contacts the one who left them saying "I need CLOSURE!" 

So is it a "bad idea"? It is for you. 

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist.

[Jaunty]

You really need to let this go, man.  You seem to be obsessed.

[Artist45]

On 10/10/2023 at 5:25 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. There's no point stalking her social media. She told you why she ended it, basically patronizing and disrespectful behavior on your part. Let go. Live and learn. Next time treat women with respect and maybe you'll do better. 

 

On 10/11/2023 at 5:22 AM, redswim30 said:

OP, I think you need to look more big picture here. 

Stop worrying about what kind of illness she "might" have, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter and you can't do anything about it.  Not to mention, it's a little mean. 

What you CAN do is this- Figure out what drew you so much to her and why you kept going back for more. 

Seriously.  Did you want to be her "savior"?  Was it the thrill of being with a younger woman?

I do think you were a little harsh with her.  After all, you were well aware of her pretty large issues and yet kept going back for more, and as the older "wiser" person- that's on you.   I know people who have dated alcoholics, knew they were alcoholics, then later got mad at them for being alcoholics.  Do you see how unfair that is?  If you are well aware of a person's issues and you accept those issues and present yourself as those not being deal-breakers for you, then it's kinda crappy to go back and throw that in their face during a time of struggle.  After all, she was always honest about who she was- it was YOU that accepted it- repeatedly. That's on you, not her.  What I don't understand is why you were surprised that she repeated the same behavior.  

Nothing YOU ever do can change someone.  And no one person can make a "relationship" work all on their own.  Best thing you can do is move on, learn from it, and try to understand why you were so eager to stay in something that was so clearly unhealthy for you. 

What exactly did I throw in her face?

 

[MissCanuck]

On 10/12/2023 at 9:02 PM, Artist45 said:

I want so bad to talk to her to get closure… is that a bad idea?

Define closure. 

What does that mean to you? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

How old is she?

[Wiseman2]

On 10/8/2023 at 10:39 PM, Artist45 said:

She was 26 and I was 43.  I made it clear that I could do without the sex - I was upset that she ghosted me again... 

Try not to confuse intensity with intimacy. You only dated 10 weeks and most of it was turbulent, involving her alcoholism and other issues.

Once you feel better and take care of yourself and your physical and mental health, you'll be able to put this behind you.

[tgodeboy]

unstable people shake the stable people as well.

Bro, Trust me, i recently went through this, I was strong i know, but the recent date shattered me, but thank god, I am in well matured mental state, so fixing comes easier.

I realized its hard to save people who are not ready to be saved. 

As i say this, i still have feelings for this person, but no matter how we feel making right decisions is very important

[Artist45]

7 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

How old is she?

27 or 28 now

 

[Artist45]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Define closure. 

What does that mean to you? 

For her to explain why she ghosted me the second time..

 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

For her to explain why she ghosted me the second time..

 

Do you actually expect to get a clear and honest answer out of her?

You are going to be very disappointed if so. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

For her to explain why she ghosted me the second time..

 

And will that make you feel fine about what happened? If she tells you she just wasn't feeling it or she met someone else?

[rainbowsandroses]

On 10/8/2023 at 7:14 PM, Artist45 said:

Then she wanted to see me... I was willing to see her and our texts got sexual... Then, she ghosted me again. When I asked why, she replied, "not sure how I feel about having a sexual relationship with you". I replied, "that's perfectly fine, I don't have a problem with that - I have a problem being ghosted - you have no respect for people's feelings - lose my number".....

@Artist45I'm really confused here, I must be missing something.

Nevermind her instability, you very aggressively (almost hostile) told her to lose your number.

How is that HER ghosting you?  She's doing precisely what you told her to do. 

What's not to understand?

 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/8/2023 at 10:14 PM, Artist45 said:

 Then she wanted to see me... I was willing to see her and our texts got sexual... Then, she ghosted me again. When I asked why, she replied, "not sure how I feel about having a sexual relationship with you". 

She has already explained why she ghosted. Several times. Please reflect and try to move forward. This turbulent 10 week situationhip is a symptom of deeper issues in itself.

The obsessing and ruminating may improve once you start taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. It will take some time, so try be patient. 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She has already explained why she ghosted. Several times...

That's how I read this too.  She explained why she ghosted, you replied it was fine, then became hostile telling her you have a problem being disrespected and to lose your number. 

So again, what's not to understand?

Perhaps next time take a deep breath or go for a run to calm your emotions before you tell a woman you apparently like A LOT to "lose your number."

I'm sorry I don't mean to sound insensitive but it's important that you own your role in this. 

That's the first step in getting your 'closure.'

 

[Artist45]

23 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Artist45I'm really confused here, I must be missing something.

Nevermind her instability, you very aggressively (almost hostile) told her to lose your number.

How is that HER ghosting you?  She's doing precisely what you told her to do. 

What's not to understand?

 

No, that was my reaction to her ghosting me..  but I get your point

 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/8/2023 at 10:14 PM, Artist45 said:

. I replied, "that's perfectly fine, I don't have a problem with that - I have a problem being ghosted - you have no respect for people's feelings - lose my number".....

Unfortunately you told her to "lose your number" when she didn't want to sext or hookup. So she didn't "ghost ", she lost your number as you suggested. 

[boltnrun]

On 10/8/2023 at 7:14 PM, Artist45 said:

she ghosted me again. When I asked why, she replied, "not sure how I feel about having a sexual relationship with you".

There's your "closure".

Insisting you "want closure" is just an excuse to try to get her communicating with you again.  

Anyway, she's dating someone else so that's some extra "closure". 

If you want, you can look into meeting other women who don't have these issues.  That seems preferable to chasing someone who is emotionally unstable and who has ended communication with you more than once.

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, Artist45 said:

No, that was my reaction to her ghosting me..  but I get your point

Yes I realize that.

What I was confused about was why you need to know why she ghosted? 

She already told you why, she didn't want anything sexual which to her, is where things were headed.  She didn't leave you hanging to wonder about it. 

And you responded by telling her to lose your number.   And apparently she's done just that. 

That's all there is to understand.