Was I dating a Girl with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you want, you can look into meeting other women who don't have these issues.

The way I see it, they both have issues.  May be best to focus on your own issues OP before judging hers....

[Artist45]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes I realize that.

What I was confused about was why you need to know why she ghosted? 

She already told you why, she didn't want anything sexual which to her, is where things were headed.  She didn't leave you hanging to wonder about it. 

And you responded by telling her to lose your number.   And apparently she's done just that. 

That's all there is to understand.

She flip flopped between wanting something sexual, then not......

[boltnrun]

7 hours ago, Artist45 said:

She flip flopped between wanting something sexual, then not......

And you find this behavior attractive and alluring why? Because she's young?

[Artist45]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And you find this behavior attractive and alluring why? Because she's young?

I am just very confused and hurt

[Artist45]

Last thing I will add...  I realize it was wrong to suggest sex to a girl who needs help getting sober.. I own it.  So I called her about 4 weeks ago to apologize for that.  I said I know it was selfish and inappropriate and that I wish I had not said that...  She was cool and did not seem bothered by it.  I asked her how she was doing and she told me about a new job she just got.  I congratulated her.  She said, "the story how I got this job is crazy, but that's a story for another time".  I asked, "do you want to catch up later?". She replied, "no, I don't think so"....  and that was it.. (flip flop answer) I realize now I should have just made the amends and left it alone...

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Artist45 said:

 I called her about 4 weeks ago    I asked, "do you want to catch up later?". She replied, "no, I don't think so"....  and that was it.. 

It may not be a great idea for you to try to stay friends. It seems like she's trying to get her life together and move on. You have your "closure", so now it's your turn to get your life together and move on. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

I guess what weirds me out, as someone a bit younger than you (ie: I’m closer to her age than I am to yours), is the idea of a 45 year old this obsessed with a 28 year old. I unno.. it just seems and feels weird.  A bit of an ironic story I’ll share:

my ex was her age, 28, when we met. And she’s got borderline PD (I didn’t know this at the time, she masked well.). Everyone loved us as a couple and we had a very fulfilling life - at least on the surface 

as the relationship progressed and she began to unravel, she started cheating on me with men your age and above.  She hid it well, but our friend and peer group began to catch on. Everyone was so weirded out that they unfriended and blocked her on social media and from their life.   It wasn’t necessarily because of the cheating, it was because of the “old men” and the weight it all carried.  
 

I was weirded out myself, I had to deal with the cheating aspect of it, but then to see this young, beautiful woman, parading around with men old enough to be her father. And the way these men fawned over her was remarkable.  It always left me with a recognition that it had near everything to do with her sex appeal and disorder.  She was abused by old men repeatedly as a child… that’s what caused the BPD in the first place, she’d try to have functional relationships with men her age, but at the first sign of the boat being rocked, she’d look for a “father” and she did that through sex and attention from old guys (because that’s the only way she ever knew a father) 
 

the old dudes always felt chosen and worshipped by her. She needed them to feel that so that she could feel the same from them, as they mirrored back the intensity thinking it was love,  but for her it only momentarily fill her void.  Then when she got what she wanted, when her deep emotional low went away, she was done with them. 
 

I remember watching one guy unravel very publicly on social media after she left him high and dry. He was beside himself, she was his fantasy, yet in reality they had only met a few times and he wanted to marry her - strangers!  But that’s the affect she had on them, and this isn’t a unique story;  you’re doing the same damn thing. This age gap dynamic between people with BPD and people prone to codependency is extremely common.

it’s weird to see someone out of my “recommended age group” spiraling over a 20-something year old with severe psychological issues.  It reminds me of high school days, what it felt like when you’re 17 and your 17 year old friend is dating a 24 year old - it doesn’t sound extreme but everyone at school is concerned.  I get the same “ick” feeling with this thread.  I’m sure it’s the same “ick” feeling my friend/peer group got when they saw what my ex was doing with her father-aged counterparts and bosses. 
 

a lot of times people with untreated bpd are so alluring because they don’t come with boundaries, and that appeals to people who need to feel wanted and chosen, to people who are bored of the mundane and misinterpret extremes as true love, “soulmates,” or “twin flame” bs. People with BPD can be erratic, they’re hot and cold, the highs feel like a drug and then they drop you —  I understand how that can be jarring, but I feel your rumination about this all is pointing to a deeper wound within yourself that needs some tending to 

 

I dunno. Just my passing opinion 

[Artist45]

Wow!!! What a story!!! I really appreciate the time you took to share all that..

can’t explain why I am hung up on her… I was about to break up with her before she ghosted me and after she did that, I was actually relieved….. as soon as I saw an IG pic of her cuddling with some dude, my heart sank….. like why wasn’t I good enough to be with her?… why wasn’t I good enough for her to keep around..

I know that’s irrational and I’m aware of my issues…. It just hurts…

[Artist45]

On 10/15/2023 at 1:41 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

@Artist45I'm really confused here, I must be missing something.

Nevermind her instability, you very aggressively (almost hostile) told her to lose your number.

How is that HER ghosting you?  She's doing precisely what you told her to do. 

What's not to understand?

 

To be clear - I told her to lose my number AFTER she ghosted me the second time…