Exhausted. Husband treats me like slave.

[Takenforgranted]

Names have been changed to protect myself and my husband. Married 13 years.

I started keeping notes on my new laptop of situations that upset me to get it out because I found myself being so angry at carrying the brunt of responsibility financially and physically, while still being told im a piece of ***.  Below are a few situations. Reactions please because I want to show this thread to him. He doesn't see anything wrong with any of this.

9/27/23- I am in the smaller bedroom with a tiny closet and Jake is in the master bedroom. He also has the good parking spot and I have to park in the dirt. Side note, I keep my room squeaky clean and upkeep it dailtoy. Jake's room is the only room in the house that is absolutely disgusting because he does not lift a finger to clean, ever. 

Well, he's had his big 100+lb fishtank in my little closet for years. I have asked him numerous times to please remove it so I can have space for my clothes, but he never does. Side note, it also took him about 2 months to change a light bulb in the hall after I asked about 20x. Back to the fish tank. Finally two weeks ago, after mentioning this tank to my mom, she told me it's probably filled with mold and that's extremely unhealthy to have in my room (the fish tank has been off and just sitting full of water and coral rocks for years). I lifted the lid to look, and sure enough it was filled with mold and the mold stench wreaked as soon as it was opened. I asked him for the final time, to please remove the fish tank by trash day. Of course, he didn't. Finally today, I moved the damn thing myself by hoisting it onto an office chair and rolling the office chair down the driveway like a lunatic, then putting it on the floor out front myself. I severly injured my hip and back by doing so. I'm a 5'3 female. All because the "man" of the house, was too lazy, selfish, and apathetic to help me with it. The kicker is after I did it, he said I should have asked him for help............there are no words for the deluisonalness of this man.

9/29/23- I woke up early while Jake slept in and spent over an hour deep cleaning the house. I then cooked the dogs food (we make homemade dog food), fed the dogs, gave them their pills etc. Side note: I pay for all dog food (human grade) and all vet care (a ton of money). I also went to target and, bought a new swiffer wet jet mop. Additionally, I took out the trash and empty water bottles. I placed the trash bag and empty water bottles in the garage because at the time, it was still dark out and I didn't want to go in the backyard where the garbage is to put the trash out there while it's dark. After Jake woke up, over 2 hours after me, when I had been working around the house all morning, he sees the trash by the door and swings the door open loudly, slams the trash can lid off, throws the trash in loudly, slams the trash can lid back on, and then SLAMS the garage door shut. Jake does not communicate like a normal human being, but the loud slamming was his passive aggressive way of telling me he was pissed that I temporarily left the trash in the garage. Think about the gravity and entitlement of those actions, after everything I already did this particular morning. 

10/1/23- I woke up at 6am on Sunday and had cleaned the house, vacuumed and mopped the floors,
and was in the midst of feeding the dogs with the homemade dog food I bought and cooked. I haven't had coffee yet.
Jake walks into the kitchen, sees there is no water in the Keurig (that I bought), and proceeds to fill up the water 
just enough for himself so I will have to add more for myself, then makes his coffee and walks away. Btw it's the water I bought, the keurig I bought, and the coffee I bought. Yet after I woke up earlier and had been doing chores for an hour that he didn't help with, he couldn't even take an extra half a second to fill the water all the way in the keurig. Pure laziness, inconsiderateness, unappreciativeness, lack of self awareness, and selfishness. 

[arjumand]

Do you have a question? 

[Takenforgranted]

Yes, I am so far into this that I cannot see a way out and I am looking for advice

[arjumand]

Contact a lawyer, without his knowledge, and figure out a divorce plan. Contact a domestic abuse hotline  https://www.thehotline.org And discuss how to leave safely. Make a plan. Tell him nothing. Safety first. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Takenforgranted said:

 Married 13 years. carrying the brunt of responsibility financially and physically,  I want to show this thread to him. 

Do you both work? Have children? How old is he? Is it your house, his house or do you co-own? Do you own a car?  Have trusted friends and family nearby?

Unfortunately injustice collecting and logs and showing him this is not productive. It will not fix or change him. Please read up on abusive relationships.  

 Please keep the advice private and confidential. Stop doing everything. Stop paying for everything. Stop acting like a slave. Take care of yourself, your environment, your own food, chores and finances. Start severing finances and start saving to leave and divorce. 

Instead privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information, support and advice about your situation.

Depending on your joint assets,if you have children, etc. Discuss an appropriate exist plan including legal separation, who will move out, etc. 

[smackie9]

get a lawyer.

[Deadtoyouforever74]

I feel for you I really do. I understand your frustration.  Either part ways or tell him to help out or get out.

I work alot, so I don't have much time for household chores.  I try to stay awake for laundry and some dishes occasionally mopping the floors and cleaning up the toilet.  

I'm not a good cook so I don't bother.  Plus prefer to eat once a day. Because I don't believe in overeating to become obese.  I eat to survive that's it. I eat when I must.

My rarely ask my partner for help with household issues because I get the same old song and dance. I do everything around here and you do nothing.  I'm just like dude I have a bad back. Migraine headaches and I'm exhausted everyday but I don't complain about it.  I stay silent because I don't want pity. I want someone who wants to help me because they are feeling like they are doing it out of love not out of force.

He even goes to the extreme of saying he is the house ni***er

This really hurts me. My feelings are crushed.  That tells me he's only there out of pity. I can do without that. I feel like I'm a slave. But I don't run around throwing up in his face everyday and every chance I get.  I politely carry on. 

My husband smarts me off if I ask him to grab a soda from the fridge while he's in the kitchen. 

Then they wonder why we don't talk to them. 

Men will never understand us. Until we are gone. All they want is a servant to cater to their needs tend to house raise their children.  Work us to death and then toss us to the side when a better option comes along. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Takenforgranted said:

Married 13 years.

Has he always been like this?  Or is this new behavior?  How long have you been experiencing this type of treatment?

 

5 hours ago, Takenforgranted said:

Yet after I woke up earlier and had been doing chores for an hour that he didn't help with, he couldn't even take an extra half a second to fill the water all the way in the keurig. Pure laziness, inconsiderateness, unappreciativeness, lack of self awareness and selfishness.

Wow I'm really sorry. I actually felt physically ill after reading everything you've experienced.

With respect to what's bolded, here's where I think you're mistaken.  

I think he was/is quite aware of what he did, does and how he treats you.  He KNOWS he's abusive and it's completely intentional.

I don't even think anger management would help him, again he's fully aware of how angry he gets and he intends to be.   

It's a conscious decision to throw trash cans around, not clean his room, not move the fish tank, not fill the coffee pot and otherwise get angry and treat you the way he does.  

He is aware he could stop, the problem is (among others), he does NOT "want" to stop!  And it doesn't sound like he has any intention of stopping. 

For some sick twisted reason he takes pleasure from it.  Pleasure from seeing you twist yourself into a pretzel keeping a tidy home and trying to please him and pleasure from his abusive reaction to it.

At this point, if this were me, I would not remain one minute longer in that house.  I would not even have a conversation, I would wait until he leaves for work or wherever he goes, pack a bag, leave a note and leave. Take your beloved dog with you. 

Stay with a friend or family or go to a woman's shelter if you have to. 

Once your emotions calm down, speak with a lawyer about divorce. 

This is no way to live.

I was anxious and on edge just reading this, I cannot imagine what you must be feeling actually experiencing it.

Again I'm sorry and wish you the best of luck.  

Hugs. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Can you list one thing you love about this man?

[Capricorn3]

7 hours ago, arjumand said:

Contact a lawyer, without his knowledge, and figure out a divorce plan. Contact a domestic abuse hotline  https://www.thehotline.org And discuss how to leave safely. Make a plan. Tell him nothing. Safety first. 

^ I second this post.

[SooSad33]

On 10/1/2023 at 1:00 PM, Takenforgranted said:

just enough for himself so I will have to add more for myself, then makes his coffee and walks away. Btw it's the water I bought, the keurig I bought, and the coffee I bought. Yet after I woke up earlier and had been doing chores for an hour that he didn't help with, he couldn't even take an extra half a second to fill the water all the way in the keurig. Pure laziness, inconsiderateness, unappreciativeness, lack of self awareness, and selfishness. 

Just sounds like you're at your witts end with him & his ignorance, to the point everything bothers you about him 😕 .

Yup, this was my first ex - we lasted less than 10 years. I did everything around the home, including the kids care & shopping and we had threats re: bill payments due on a regular basis, because HE had control over that 😕 .

 

On 10/1/2023 at 1:00 PM, Takenforgranted said:

I started keeping notes on my new laptop of situations that upset me to get it out because I found myself being so angry at carrying the brunt of responsibility financially and physically, while still being told im a piece of ***. 

So, why are you still around to take his ignorance? 

[Cherylyn]

He is not worth keeping in your life.  I'll chime in with others.  Contact an attorney stat.

[catfeeder]

On 10/1/2023 at 1:35 PM, arjumand said:

Contact a lawyer, without his knowledge, and figure out a divorce plan. Contact a domestic abuse hotline  https://www.thehotline.org And discuss how to leave safely. Make a plan. Tell him nothing. Safety first. 

I hope you will do this to learn what kind of resources are available to help you, and you may also want to contact the human services department of your local hospital for an appointment with a case worker. They may be able to refer you to legal aid or other assistance that is not well known to the public.