Does my boyfriend really loves me?

[Cclhxx]

I am in the state where I cannot describe my relationship with my boyfriend now. He kept saying he loves me but in the same time he doesn’t want to commit in the relationship. I realized that i have anxious attachment style that make this relationship became worst and that he told me he couldn’t deal with me in this timeline.

That’s why i seek for a mental health care to help me cope with my anxiety as I don’t want to make my boyfriend to go through this because i really don’t think that he deserves to be treated like this. While I’m trying to recover, given prescribed antidepressants etc, he then told me that it’s best just to stay friends now because he wants to prioritize his self development and he don’t want to jump to a committed relationship like this and rather wait till we both are fully ready.

Is that mean he wants to wait till i fully heal? Does he really loves me? I mean that time when we weren’t together in a relationship yet, i told him already and he’s aware that i have anxiety disorder and i was traumatized by my past relationship. But he keep convincing me to accept his love and become his girlfriend. 

He also said that the spark has gone and this become very tiring as he couldn’t deal with my mind and I couldn’t accept the fact that he has changed

[Capricorn3]

19 minutes ago, Cclhxx said:

 i have anxious attachment style that make this relationship became worst and that he told me he couldn’t deal with me in this timeline.

, he then told me that it’s best just to stay friends now because he wants to prioritize his self development and he don’t want to jump to a committed relationship like this and rather wait till we both are fully ready.

He also said that the spark has gone and this become very tiring as he couldn’t deal with my mind and I couldn’t accept the fact that he has changed

I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't see any love left from your boyfriend's side.  It seems clear (to me), that he has long signed out and is no longer interested in a relationship with you. Once the spark is gone, it doesn't ever really come back. (sorry).

Time for you to learn to accept that he's done, and move on with your life.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Cclhxx said:

 he then told me that it’s best just to stay friends now. He also said that the spark has gone and this become very tiring as 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately after a few months dating, it's not working out. He seems to care about you as a person but doesn't feel a romantic connection. Try to step back.

[rainbowsandroses]

24 minutes ago, Cclhxx said:

But he keep convincing me to accept his love and become his girlfriend. 

When did he say this to you?  Reason I ask is because it directly contradicts this:

24 minutes ago, Cclhxx said:

While I’m trying to recover, given prescribed antidepressants etc, he then told me that it’s best just to stay friends now..

And this:

24 minutes ago, Cclhxx said:

He also said that the spark has gone and this become very tiring as he couldn’t deal with my mind...

I'm so sorry to have to say this but based on the last two comments above, no I don't think he loves you, not the way you need him to love you. 

He may love you as a person and friend and cares for you in that respect but no man who's in love with a woman would suggest you just be friends, the spark has gone, and he's tired (of the relationship).

Please seek help for your anxiety and overall mental health and to heal from the trauma of your previous relationship.  

I don't mean just taking the anti-depressants but you need a good qualified therapist to help you sort though this.

And heal. 

Otherwise, your new relationships will suffer, just like this one did. 

Again I'm so sorry, please take care. 

Hugs. 

[Cclhxx]

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

When did he say this to you?  Reason I ask is because it directly contradicts this:

And this:

I'm so sorry to have to say this but based on the last two comments above, no I don't think he loves you, not the way you need him to love you. 

He may love you as a person and friend and cares for you in that respect but no man who's in love with a woman would suggest you just be friends, the spark has gone, and he's tired (of the relationship).

Please seek help for your anxiety and overall mental health and to heal from the trauma of your previous relationship.  

I don't mean just taking the anti-depressants but you need a good qualified therapist to help you sort though this.

And heal. 

Otherwise, your new relationships will suffer, just like this one did. 

Again I'm so sorry, please take care. 

Hugs. 

He convinced me when we started hanging out together, around June. At first it was all about rainbow and unicorn. Until my anxiety kicks in again, having a fear that he will someday cheat on me like my past relationship because I let loose. I became possessive trying to keep him on my watch because i don’t wanna lose him. I trusted my ex blindly before and i got cheated, I don’t wanna make another mistake and this what pushing him away.

I realized that he don’t deserve this as he’s being so loyal to me but it seem so hard to trust again, that’s why i seek for mental health care because I don’t want him to deal with me like this. But what really upset me is that just few weeks ago he told us to stay friends now. He said that it’s best to focus on our self growth. Him with his career and me with my mental health. He told me to resume after we both feel stable and healthy inside and outside 

[Cclhxx]

17 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't see any love left from your boyfriend's side.  It seems clear (to me), that he has long signed out and is no longer interested in a relationship with you. Once the spark is gone, it doesn't ever really come back. (sorry).

Time for you to learn to accept that he's done, and move on with your life.

He said that now the both of us need to focus on ourselves. Me Focusing on mental stability and him focusing on his self development on his career. And when we both are fully ready we shall resume or see where faith will take us in the future. 

[Capricorn3]

Just now, Cclhxx said:

He said that now the both of us need to focus on ourselves. Me Focusing on mental stability and him focusing on his self development on his career. And when we both are fully ready we shall resume or see where faith will take us in the future. 

Sounds like a good idea.   Bare in mind though that during this time he may change his mind, and you too, might change and see things differently.  For now though, cross that bridge when you get to it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Cclhxx said:

He said that now the both of us need to focus on ourselves. Me Focusing on mental stability and him focusing on his self development on his career. And when we both are fully ready we shall resume or see where faith will take us in the future. 

Well jmo but in your mentally fragile state, he may have said this to cushion the blow of a direct break up. 

I say this because if he truly loved you, he would not have suggested just a friendship nor told you the "spark" (translation: love/desire) is gone and he's tired.

I don't say this to hurt your feelings but rather to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself that it's over and to begin focusing on yourself, and your own mental health and healing.

That's the most important thing for you to do right now.

Down the road, could the spark return and his love rekindle?  Of course, anything is possible. 

But for now, focus on you, healing, getting well and becoming a whole and complete person.  For yourself and to be the best partner you can be in your next relationship.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

It seems pretty clear that he is now your ex-boyfriend, and he's trying to be kind in letting you go. I am not sure you have accpeted yet that he has broken up with you, given that you still refer to him as your boyfriend.

Maybe you two will find your way back to each other someday, but it's important that you don't take that as a given. He appears ready to move on even though he cares about you. Focus on your mental health and addressing the issues of the past. You need to do so for yourself, first and foremost, and not just to get or keep a boyfriend. 

 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

He also said that the spark has gone and this become very tiring as he couldn’t deal with my mind and I couldn’t accept the fact that he has changed

Yeah, he gone.

If he doesnt want to commit and even says how "the spark is gone" and "We will remain friends" its pretty obvious that he is your ex boyfriend. And that he doesnt have feeling there.

[smackie9]

He's kinda right...you are no where near ready to have a relationship. It would be best to cut things off completely because all he is doing is enabling your anxiety even more. They say if you want to heal/recover and for treatment to really work for you is to stay away from a relationship. You need to focus on yourself without worry of someone else. 

he knows you are in a fragile state, that's why he's saying he's leaving the door open for later, but he's really worried about the repercussions of breaking up with you. 

[boltnrun]

Clinging tightly to something usually results in damage being done. In your case trying to cling and control him (yes, you were) resulted in breaking his feelings for you and as a result, the relationship.

I'm really glad you're pursuing therapy. You can learn healthy ways to deal with your anxiety and fear.

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

wait till we both are fully ready.

Is that mean he wants to wait till i fully heal? Does he really loves me? I mean that time when we weren’t together in a relationship yet, i told him already and he’s aware that i have anxiety disorder and i was traumatized by my past relationship. But he keep convincing me to accept his love and become his girlfriend. 

He also said that the spark has gone and this become very tiring as he couldn’t deal with my mind and I couldn’t accept the fact that he has changed

Sorry, but it does sound like he's done 😕 .  Having such mental health issue's is draining on some around us.

As he mentioned, to keep working on YOU.  IMO, you are not ready to be involved again.

Why did you seek a partner again?  is it because you fear being alone?  Then, this is why you need to work on in therapy.

 

[Tiddytok5]

On 9/20/2023 at 9:47 PM, Cclhxx said:

I am in the state where I cannot describe my relationship with my boyfriend now. He kept saying he loves me but in the same time he doesn’t want to commit in the relationship. I realized that i have anxious attachment style that make this relationship became worst and that he told me he couldn’t deal with me in this timeline.

That’s why i seek for a mental health care to help me cope with my anxiety as I don’t want to make my boyfriend to go through this because i really don’t think that he deserves to be treated like this. While I’m trying to recover, given prescribed antidepressants etc, he then told me that it’s best just to stay friends now because he wants to prioritize his self development and he don’t want to jump to a committed relationship like this and rather wait till we both are fully ready.

Is that mean he wants to wait till i fully heal? Does he really loves me? I mean that time when we weren’t together in a relationship yet, i told him already and he’s aware that i have anxiety disorder and i was traumatized by my past relationship. But he keep convincing me to accept his love and become his girlfriend. 

He also said that the spark has gone and this become very tiring as he couldn’t deal with my mind and I couldn’t accept the fact that he has changed

He's not into you at all, or anymore.

The way that it is described..he was never your boyfriend..just a fwb. 

He's told you that he doesn't want to be committed to anyone,  and that he wants to be single. 

 

He want to prioritize himself. 

 

He doesn't feel the same way. Also, he recognizes that you (possibly himself) isn't healthy nor ready for a relationship. 

 

No, he doesn't want to be in any relationship, currently. 

 

Please stop trauma dumping on him. 

He's being direct and honest with you.

 

Please stop twisting and molding the narrative.  Please work on accepting this and moving on.

Please respect his wishes. 

 

Also, it is time to really prioritize your own mental health and well being. 

 

Your (so is his) behavior would be unacceptable and unable to sustain any relationship. . It's unhealthy.  You are unhealthy and should take some time out to work on your issues and learning detachment.  .perhaps in therapy. 

 

If these issues cannot be resolved,  nor minimized.. it's best that you don't become involved with any one else.

 

 

I'm sorry op, 

 

It's time to let him go.

 

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Boyfriend and questions about your mental health are not a good match 

[Andrina]

Don't date until you can ditch your emotional baggage. Being cheated on is upsetting but no excuse to also behave in a toxic way. My husband was cheated on in two of his major relationships before he dated me. He had taken a 2 and a half year break from his last relationship before he and I met. Did he have a look of extreme fear in his eyes that I was lying when I said I was meeting a girl friend for dinner? Absolutely not. When I went on a trip with her to visit my parents in another state (he couldn't go because he'd just started a new job), did he assume she and I would frequent bars and flirt with men? No. He detailed my car when I was gone as a nice surprise.

When you date, the control you have is observing a person's ethics and what their past relationship history entailed (some stupidly admit they've cheated before). You choose wisely, and if you find out a guy has cheated, you find the resiliency to move on and are grateful to find out so you waste no more time on a loser. And then you eventually date again and start with the same plan--controlling the only thing you can control--observing and hanging on to a winner and letting go of a loser. Because nobody should pay for a crime somebody else committed.

Whatever happens in life, you have yourself to rely on, and a group of friends you've cultivated for both a support system and to have fun with. If you lack hobbies or friends, work on that during this time when it's not wise to date. Take care.