Feelings for a friend... ADVICE NEEDED

[welsh12345]

So I've been friends with this 30 year old for 3 years. Never felt anything more than friendship then we went away together and something happened. In the weeks that followed We both realised we felt something. Fast forward a couple of months and we found ourselves spending more time together in and out of bed.

He's always stated that he doesn't feel monogamy is for him. He enjoys travelling and his freedom too much yet he has this intense feeling for me that he's not had before and is totally confused.

I'm emotionally stable and know I really like him and what I want which is for us to date. We are chalk and cheese... total opposites but we get on. Sadly and ultimately he can't commit to me.

We've had the 'talk' several times but are still drawn to each other. He's left today to go away for several weeks and whilst I will miss him tremendously I know it's needed. In fact I already miss him yet don't feel like I can say thar.

I am falling for him but know deep down no matter how much he likes me I can't make him commit. He agrees I need to move on but I really feel like I'm giving up on something that could be special. Maybe I'm looking at it through rose tinted glasses but it's all kind of happened organically. Also, because he can't grasp these feelings he throws out many mixed signals. It's almost like he wants his cake and to eat it. I don't really fully understand it. Last night we had such a special night together and I knew it would be the last time. It always seems like he's battling with how he feels about me and his commitment issues which make him pull back. 

Neither of us want to lose our friendship but I'm really struggling to navigate this situation. Its quite heartbreaking.

I've only really scratched the surface but that's the jist. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Do I go with it? Cut of communication? Try to do just a friendship? It's really hard with intense feelings but until he knows what he wants I'm stuck and it could take him years.

If he likes me as much as he says he does... how can he contemplate sleeping with other people?

I told him I think about sleeping with him... he tells me he thinks about sleeping with me 80% of the time and random others 20% of the time. This hurts but I know he's just being honest.

It's just hard to know what to do for best

[Kwothe28]

34 minutes ago, welsh12345 said:

If he likes me as much as he says he does... how can he contemplate sleeping with other people?

 

Oh that is easy. He isnt monogamous, he is a player who wants to get in bed with as much people as possible. The only one in the clouds here is you. Who actually want to be monogamous and want a relationship there. He has been telling you entire time what he wants but you just dont listen.

34 minutes ago, welsh12345 said:

He's always stated that he doesn't feel monogamy is for him.

 

34 minutes ago, welsh12345 said:

He agrees I need to move on

 

34 minutes ago, welsh12345 said:

he tells me he thinks about sleeping with me 80% of the time and random others 20% of the time.

He has literally been telling you he doesnt want what you want and that he wants you to move on. Oh and btw

34 minutes ago, welsh12345 said:

It's almost like he wants his cake and to eat it.

Yes he does. And you are giving him the cake every time. Stop having sex with him. Heck, stop having contact with him altogether. This man is not your friend, he just wants to jump from flower to flower and he has literally been saying you that entire time. There is no friendship here, he is your F buddy. So in the interest of you moving on, stop the communication and move on from him.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, welsh12345 said:

 I am falling for him but know deep down no matter how much he likes me I can't make him commit. He agrees I need to move on but I really feel like I'm giving up on something that could be special. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately all he's offering is FWB and that is not what you want. Please don't hope for a committed relationship to develop. Please don't try to stay friends. You've crossed that line. 

Free yourself from this. Cut your losses and save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches. 

Once you free yourself from this imbalanced hurtful situationship, you can meet men who want what you want. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, welsh12345 said:

It always seems like he's battling with how he feels about me and his commitment issues which make him pull back

That's the thread he's carefully planned to keep you hooked on the line. He plays on your heartstrings while also keeping himself guilt-free by telling you he can't commit. That's so while you're so enamored, he can keep getting what he wants from you until the day your brain kicks in and you cut the thread. At that point, when you start crying, he can say, "I told you so. You can't blame little ol' me."

Once you've crossed the line from friendship into intimacy, you can't undo that status. Any dating prospects you have will walk away when you're communicating/getting together with/ a guy you did the wild thing with.

Nobody, but nobody is worth waiting for. And what happens many a time is that when a person is ready, it's usually not for a person from their past. 

Go no contact, and if he balks, it's even further proof he cares more about himself and his wants than how you will be negatively affected. Chemistry is only one of the things one seeks in a relationship. He's lacking a huge major must-have when it comes to monogamy. Move on.

[Capricorn3]

He's clearly happy with FWB and will continue as long as you let him. If you are happy with FWB, then it's all good.  If not, then this man is not for you and it's best to listen to him - move on.

[welsh12345]

Thank you for the feedback. Some of that was hard to read because he's a good guy. He's been nothing but honest all the way through. And is seeing a Councillor with regards to his commitment issues. I know that a relationship is out of the cards right now but I'd be gutted to lose a platonic friendship and this is what I know I need to navigate. I appreciate all the replies. Thank you so much. 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, welsh12345 said:

And is seeing a Councillor with regards to his commitment issues.

But if he's not monogamous by nature, this is pointless. It's the way he is built, and it doesn't necessarily mean he needs therapy to "fix" it. He just prefers a different lifestyle. 

As such, it would be very foolish to continue with this and hope you can have a relationship someday. It's going to devastate you when that not only doesn't happen, but he also drifts away and starts prioritizing a different woman. 

The other possibility is that this talk to being non-monogamous is a convenient excuse because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you he doesn't see you as girlfriend material for him. That would crush you even more if you come to find out someday he has found a girlfriend and decided to give up sleeping around and focus just on her. 

Bottom line? You need to cut this off. A friendship won't be possible until you feel mostly indifferent about who he dates or has sex with. 

[welsh12345]

Totally agree thank you. What I will say is for the last 3 months this has gone on he has stayed totally faithful to me even if the urge has been there. I will be cutting it off and hopefully a friendship van develop down the line. Thank you for all the responses. 

[Andrina]

People have to give up friendships all the time for all sorts of reasons. It's par for the course of being a human being. Yes, it's upsetting, but in cases like this, it's in the best interest of your future life partner. I would've stopped dating my husband if I'd found out he'd stayed friends with a lady he'd been intimate with and would've wanted long term if she'd agreed.

[SherrySher]

16 hours ago, welsh12345 said:

So I've been friends with this 30 year old for 3 years. Never felt anything more than friendship then we went away together and something happened. In the weeks that followed We both realised we felt something. Fast forward a couple of months and we found ourselves spending more time together in and out of bed.

He's always stated that he doesn't feel monogamy is for him. He enjoys travelling and his freedom too much yet he has this intense feeling for me that he's not had before and is totally confused.

I'm emotionally stable and know I really like him and what I want which is for us to date. We are chalk and cheese... total opposites but we get on. Sadly and ultimately he can't commit to me.

We've had the 'talk' several times but are still drawn to each other. He's left today to go away for several weeks and whilst I will miss him tremendously I know it's needed. In fact I already miss him yet don't feel like I can say thar.

I am falling for him but know deep down no matter how much he likes me I can't make him commit. He agrees I need to move on but I really feel like I'm giving up on something that could be special. Maybe I'm looking at it through rose tinted glasses but it's all kind of happened organically. Also, because he can't grasp these feelings he throws out many mixed signals. It's almost like he wants his cake and to eat it. I don't really fully understand it. Last night we had such a special night together and I knew it would be the last time. It always seems like he's battling with how he feels about me and his commitment issues which make him pull back. 

Neither of us want to lose our friendship but I'm really struggling to navigate this situation. Its quite heartbreaking.

I've only really scratched the surface but that's the jist. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Do I go with it? Cut of communication? Try to do just a friendship? It's really hard with intense feelings but until he knows what he wants I'm stuck and it could take him years.

If he likes me as much as he says he does... how can he contemplate sleeping with other people?

I told him I think about sleeping with him... he tells me he thinks about sleeping with me 80% of the time and random others 20% of the time. This hurts but I know he's just being honest.

It's just hard to know what to do for best

This man does not want to commit, or be in a relationship. That's not going to change.

Him having feelings for you unfortunately, won't change him into a monogamous man.

He has been 100% honest with you.

The story won't change.

Are you being honest with yourself? Are you still hoping he is going to change and will all of sudden be able to commit?

Can you deal with a friendship and no romance?

You would have to be really strict with yourself and not allow any flings or feelings to get in the way if you decided to remain only friends.

However, if you decided to continue, I honestly feel like you are going to continue to be hurt, hoping for this man to be someone he has told you multiple times, he is not.

It's truly unfortunate, but you and he are incompatible.

 

[smackie9]

If you want a solid committed relationship sometime in your life, then you need to kick people like him out of your life. 

[welsh12345]

Whilst I agree with everything being said here... I'm not indenial to the fact that he's not into monogamy. He's a great person and I know I will inevitably end up hurt which is why I know a relationship is never going to happen. It doesn't change the fact that I have feelings for this guy. Its hard to just switch those off. He's away for a while now and even the little messages I receive etc have started to die down. It's the harsh reality but I know I'm better finding out sooner rather than later. I wear my heart on my sleeve and that can and has been opened up to abuse. I know what I have to do it's just incredibly hard. What I do believe though is that he will one day realise what he's lost and by then I'll hopefully be with someone more compatible to me. Thanks again for all the advice. Its a really hard situation and not one I've had to navigate historically. It's new waters. 

[Cherylyn]

The friendship wouldn't be healthy.  It would be awkward and you'd end up investing yourself more than you should at the expense of your pain and disappointment "courtesy" of him. 

You need to move on. 

[SooSad33]

22 hours ago, welsh12345 said:

I am falling for him but know deep down no matter how much he likes me I can't make him commit. He agrees I need to move on but I really feel like I'm giving up on something that could be special. Maybe I'm looking at it through rose tinted glasses but it's all kind of happened organically. Also, because he can't grasp these feelings he throws out many mixed signals. It's almost like he wants his cake and to eat it. I don't really fully understand it. Last night we had such a special night together and I knew it would be the last time. It always seems like he's battling with how he feels about me and his commitment issues which make him pull back. 

Neither of us want to lose our friendship but I'm really struggling to navigate this situation. Its quite heartbreaking.

I've only really scratched the surface but that's the jist. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Do I go with it? Cut of communication? Try to do just a friendship?

Yeah, I say, for your own good, be done with him.  No expectations.  IMO, you were a fwb- but YOU came to 'have feelings'. Sadly, that is often how it goes, with women especially.  To them, it's just fun, sex, and no feelings arise in that.

You know he's not all in it, then stop torturing yourself!

For me, It's all or nothing!  I can't be 'friends' with someone I'm emotionally invested in.

 

[welsh12345]

So just an update last night I cut off all contact with him. I didnt hesr anything all day and when he finally called last night he said i wont and cant commit to even replying to a message i salend him. That told me all i needed to hear. I dont believe hes as emotionally invested as I am although he says he is. He moved to my town and i have done so much for him but now hes away travelling its like he can switch off. He was gutted as I always said I don't want to lose him as a friend but I'm so emotionally invested that I can't handle just friendship now so I sent him a message saying I loved every minute of my time with him, I'd totally fallen and I was too emotionally invested for a friendship. I wish him nothing but luck and that he's an incredible person.  Its broken my heart but I hope I've done the right thing. When I said those things via text he never replied but at least I laid my cards on the table. Your advice here has really helped me so thank you.