Guy I dumped keeps contacting me, but hes a good guy.. Should I see him!?

[electricorchid]

Feeling frustrated because 3 Men that I'm just absolutely not interested in are contacting me, and I wonder what kind-of state of mind am I in to attract these synchronicities that i don't want?

One of them is actually a good guy but I felt no intimacy and or sexual connection with him so I broke it off last november and we've been cordial ever since. He always is the one initiating a "Happy bday" or a conversation with me, I'm never the first to reach out. I dumped him bc I felt that we hooked up too soon, we were two very compatible people but I hated the sex and or our first night together kindof traumatized me, I just wasn't feeling it at all. However, his personality was always something I remembered because he has a lot of qualities I look for. 

This guy, has been pretty consistent in contacting me recently ( a year post the dump) to try to start casual conversation and just asked tonight If I wanted to grab a drink. I see no harm in grabbing a drink as I feel he has unanswered business with me and or questions he wants to ask me in terms of why it was over but I genuinely wouldn't know what to say. The truth would be too hard... but yet I feel an obligation for some reason to go, and or accept since he hasn't been terrible to me.

Should I bother going? Or not? I haven't made up my mind yet about this guy, simply bc I feel so conflicted in that "on paper" he seems to be a great match for me but I simply just wasn't very attracted to him when we were dating. I don't want to lead him on, but maybe I might feel something for him this time around? I've never been more confused. 

I even hard a heart to heart with myself and I just don't think after what happened to me this summer I'm ready to date. I literally don't want to go out with absolutely anyone tbh, and just want to be left alone to heal and work on myself/my life and financial goals. So In that sense I think it'd be kindof pointless... My mom argues that sex can be worked on, and she always gets excited when I tell her he texted me but now I almost feel pressure to please my mother. I'm not sure what i feel actually IM SO CONFUSED. Help. 

Has anyone been in this situation before?

 

[SooSad33]

13 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

I see no harm in grabbing a drink as I feel he has unanswered business with me and or questions he wants to ask me in terms of why it was over but I genuinely wouldn't know what to say. The truth would be too hard..

The choice is YOURS, not mom's , first of all.

What do you mean, the truth?  Re: the no fun sex w/him?

IMO, IF he even asks this, say whatever you want.  Maybe just be honest enough to admit you 'weren't feeling it at the time & wasn't mentally ready'.

But then again, you're not this time around either... right?  😉 

Then go for drinks IF you want to.  But, he also needs to realize to not expect anything from this 'meet up'. So, make that clear IF he goes there.

 

[shouldhavelearned]

Just say no thanks or ignore and move on

[catfeeder]

Not a great idea to encourage someone who's been semi-stalking for a year.

That's not 'kind' of him, it's disturbing.

You have nothing of value to offer him. You don't want what he wants, and it makes no sense to say 'yes' and get him all excited about whatever possibilities this could signify for him--only to attempt to turn it into some pseudo-therapeutic session to offer him 'closure'.

That could even be dangerous.

The guy isn't looking for closure. That's not something anyone else can give a person, it's an internal decision., and one that's on him to make.

If you meet him, you're essentially jerking him around. Instead, be clear that you broke things off because you didn't want for the two of you to date anymore, and that has not changed for you.  Whatever contact he's kept with you has not served him well to understand your position, so it's best that the two of you stop all contact.

It would be smart to recognize that this nice guy could possibly even pose a threat to you. A year is far too long to remain focused on someone, it this could mean that he's not healthy. Don't compound his problem.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, electricorchid said:

 because he has a lot of qualities I look for. ... My mom argues that sex can be worked on, and she always gets excited when I tell her he texted me 

What kind of qualities do you like about him? Unfortunately only you know if you're ready to date and if there's chemistry.

Apparently you chose to stay in touch with him so at some level at least you enjoy his attention. It could just be a matter of telling him sooner or later that you're not a match.

[MissCanuck]

No, you should not go for a drink with him. 

You would be sending him the wrong signal there, so there would be harm in accepting and meeting him. 

His attention probably feels good on some level but it's not fair to him. It's not that he has unfinished business with you or needs closure - he's simply hoping you will change your mind and want to date him again. Since you are not romantically interested, you need to decline his date offer and stop all communication with him. You can see that "friendly" chatting with him is not a good idea. 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Guy I dumped keeps contacting me, but hes a good guy.. Should I see him!?

No?

Guy wants to be with you again. And you clearly are not attracted to him. Besides, if its the same guy, why would you even want to be with this man at all?

 

[electricorchid]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

No?

Guy wants to be with you again. And you clearly are not attracted to him. Besides, if its the same guy, why would you even want to be with this man at all?

 

YUP. That's the same guy... I'm still not attracted to him. I think it's best I stick to my gut and don't meet up with him.

[electricorchid]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, you should not go for a drink with him. 

You would be sending him the wrong signal there, so there would be harm in accepting and meeting him. 

His attention probably feels good on some level but it's not fair to him. It's not that he has unfinished business with you or needs closure - he's simply hoping you will change your mind and want to date him again. Since you are not romantically interested, you need to decline his date offer and stop all communication with him. You can see that "friendly" chatting with him is not a good idea. 

I agree, I don't even want his attention tbh just to have it.. I honestly just want him to be happy but you're right. I think in reading your response I realized why even go if he's someone that's made me feel so 50/50 about him the whole time. 

[smackie9]

Dump him and these other guys right....block/delete/ignore.

[Cherylyn]

Block and delete those you have no interest in whatsoever otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time.  😣

Go no contact permanently. 

Block and delete all social media as well. 

Out of sight,  out of mind.  ☺️

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, you should not go for a drink with him. 

You would be sending him the wrong signal there, so there would be harm in accepting and meeting him. 

His attention probably feels good on some level but it's not fair to him. It's not that he has unfinished business with you or needs closure - he's simply hoping you will change your mind and want to date him again. Since you are not romantically interested, you need to decline his date offer and stop all communication with him. You can see that "friendly" chatting with him is not a good idea. 

I agree. Also many people -because it's easy to do these days -keep contacting other people on and off for these reasons -I still get contacted by certain exes -no biggie.  

Do not meet him and especially not for  drink -for alcohol.  Here's a little story from many years ago.  My friend dated someone for a few months she met through match.com.  He got back in touch and asked her to meet for coffee.  She did.  He drugged her coffee (likely when she went to the restroom) -she woke up in his car half naked, assaulted and or raped.  Not her fault at all -she was the victim and this is extreme but if you meet someone who is that persistent who you barely knew as it was -be forewarned.

Yes sex can get much much better but typically only when the couple is already very emotionally close/in love and committed to working on it knowing they have great chemistry and the love is there.  For example sometimes postpartum a woman has trouble having sex or having it in the same way/same comfort level so the couple has to be patient and find ways to improve it etc -and they do because they love and are committed to each other.