Friendly or Interested?

[CantReadTheSigns]

Hello All

Here is my situation.

I have been caring for my mother and staying at her place for the past month.

One of her neighbors and I have been talking in the common area after Mom is settled in for the night.

(I have interacted with here and there for the past two years or so. Always friendly conversation but no more).

A half dozen times or so, our conversations (which are about anything/everything) have lasted four hours or more.

So even blind me can see she likes me - but I don't know on which level.

She has only touched me a couple of times while talking, FYI,

I finally asked if she would like to have some fun away from the apartment building.

She said "yes" but prior plans kept things from happening this week.

So why am I here?

Two reasons.

One, she didn't commit to an actual day it would happen.

Two, I felt bad blindsiding her with the offer (there was no build up to it) so after some more chat, acknowleged the blindsiding and asked "are you sure you want to go? seems I caught you off guard". She said "it's ok. we're going as friends. don't feel bad about asking".

She mentioned "going as friends" but didn't specifically say something like "sure. but just so you know, this is only going to be a friends' thing".

Or did she with spelling it out to someone that is admittedly often obtuse in situations like this?

So you know, from what I gather, she is not someone that is constantly pursuing dates as she is fine living alone and she is on one dating site but said she has backed off from using it.

Thank in advance

 

[Cherylyn]

She has made it clear to you that she's only interested in friendship with you.  If friendship is fine with you,  then meet for lunch,  coffee or a walk or something like that.  If you want more than friendship,  then don't waste your time going out. 

Since she wants to be friends and nothing else,  you might want to curtail the long conversations whether in person or text (or email or electronically). 

She should be dialed down to an acquaintance level because once you get too personal about each others lives it can be complicated when you confide too much or she does.  It could end up being very awkward getting too personal IMHO.  🤔

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, CantReadTheSigns said:

I finally asked if she would like to have some fun away from the apartment building.She mentioned "going as friends" 

It seems like you have a nice connection while staying with/caring for your mother.

Does this woman live in the apartment complex or care for her family there? How old is she? Is she in a relationship?

What exactly did you mean by "fun away from the apartment'? Were you specific, such as let's get lunch/dinner or a drink/coffee?

If you have her contact info, try asking for when she's free and would like to get together. However she's pretty clear that she doesn't see this as a date.

[SooSad33]

I say a friendship basis.  So don't expect anything more with her.

If you're looking to date, go back to that dating site 😉 .

[shouldhavelearned]

Always friends in the beginning

If you want more, just go with the flow

 

[CantReadTheSigns]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you have a nice connection while staying with/caring for your mother.

Does this woman live in the apartment complex or care for her family there? How old is she? Is she in a relationship?

What exactly did you mean by "fun away from the apartment'? Were you specific, such as let's get lunch/dinner or a drink/coffee?

If you have her contact info, try asking for when she's free and would like to get together. However she's pretty clear that she doesn't see this as a date.

Thanks for reaching out.

To answer your questions.

She lives in the building on her own.

51 years old - 4 years younger than I am.

Not in a relationship.

Suggested an afternoon in Manhattan. Lunch and a drink and taking  it from there as there are many options if we chose to continue given how much time we talk.

To give more context, she is a widow. Lost her husband 7 years ago and didn't date for 5 years after he passed.

Which makes me wonder if she just moves slowly and cautiously when it comes to dating and how that might factor into things here.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, CantReadTheSigns said:

She mentioned "going as friends" but didn't specifically say something like "sure. but just so you know, this is only going to be a friends' thing".

No she didn't, but she said this:

1 hour ago, CantReadTheSigns said:

we're going as friends. don't feel bad about asking".

She couldn't have been more direct than that, that she views you as a friend. 

I'm confused as to why you're confused about it. 

What am I missing OP?  

[CantReadTheSigns]

32 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No she didn't, but she said this:

She couldn't have been more direct than that, that she views you as a friend. 

I'm confused as to why you're confused about it. 

What am I missing OP?  

I don't think you're missing anything.

Meaning I think you're right as to where she is.

The confusion, I suppose, is more like "are the chances of things changing from friends to interested higher than usual given how much we talk"?

Remember, we weren't friends before this started. 

Is it more common than I thought for a woman to have four and five hour conversations with a man she  doesn't know that well while thinking this "this is far as it will ever go"?.

Don't get wrong...I am not making a case for myself or  asking "she must be interested, right"?.

Thanks to all that have helped so far.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, CantReadTheSigns said:

Is it more common than I thought for a woman to have four and five hour conversations with a man she  doesn't know that well while thinking this "this is far as it will ever go"?.

She seems to enjoy your company however she also seems clear she sees you as a friend. Yes it's very common. In fact it's called "the friendzone". It's when you're hoping for more, even searching for possible signs of more, but they see you as a friend.

That's ok if you enjoy her company you could invite her more specifically (time, place, day) that works for her. Try not to leave it as "let's go out and have fun somewhere in Manhattan".

Maybe if she gets to know you in that type of setting, you can see how it goes. But let's go have some fun, in a vague sort of way is a complete turn off, like you're just hanging around trying to pick up women.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, CantReadTheSigns said:

I have been caring for my mother and staying at her place for the past month.

Do you live in the area or does she think you live with your mother?

[CantReadTheSigns]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live in the area or does she think you live with your mother?i

I live in the area. She knows my mother.That is how/why I spoke to her now and then before I started taking care of mom...she knows that I never lived with her

[Batya33]

So also - (I am 57 and married for context) consider that all these long convos occurred where she lives but not in her home -I might think differently if these convos were during one on one outings. So - it’s not like she makes a plan and goes out of her way to see you which might be more indicative of interest. 
about 4 years ago there was a cute guy a bit younger than me who happened to be in my apartment building fitness center - very small - when I was. We didn’t plan it that way ever. Typically no one talks in that room. It’s small it’s early and too awkward to chat then feel obligated to chat each time. But we had a few convos because it turned out he and I work in the same industry and we connected on LinkedIn. He was single or maybe had a girlfriend. Don’t remember. He knew I was married - my rings but also I referenced my husband. 
In this context had he asked me to go get coffee after or meet up I’d have been first - shocked he’d ask - and second would have said no because I’m married and to me it was perfectly fine to chat here and there when we happened to see each other but would give wrong impression if I agreed to meet otherwise - at least / without my husband etc. 

It never occurred to me that he might think I was interested romantically just because I spoke to him a number  of times and added him on LinkedIn. It’s all about context. (And also there was zero flirting ). 

[CantReadTheSigns]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So also - (I am 57 and married for context) consider that all these long convos occurred where she lives but not in her home -I might think differently if these convos were during one on one outings. So - it’s not like she makes a plan and goes out of her way to see you which might be more indicative of interest. 
about 4 years ago there was a cute guy a bit younger than me who happened to be in my apartment building fitness center - very small - when I was. We didn’t plan it that way ever. Typically no one talks in that room. It’s small it’s early and too awkward to chat then feel obligated to chat each time. But we had a few convos because it turned out he and I work in the same industry and we connected on LinkedIn. He was single or maybe had a girlfriend. Don’t remember. He knew I was married - my rings but also I referenced my husband. 
In this context had he asked me to go get coffee after or meet up I’d have been first - shocked he’d ask - and second would have said no because I’m married and to me it was perfectly fine to chat here and there when we happened to see each other but would give wrong impression if I agreed to meet otherwise - at least / without my husband etc. 

It never occurred to me that he might think I was interested romantically just because I spoke to him a number  of times and added him on LinkedIn. It’s all about context. (And also there was zero flirting ). 

Thanks for the detailed response. I see the parallels,for sure. But she actually does make it a point to find me...I go into the area to clear my head, etc...and she can see me from her place...it's not far but most of the chats happen when she sees me and comes over to talk...the others when one of us lets the other that they will "be around tomorrow"..while they aren't "excursions", they are private as there rarely is snyone around

[lostandhurt]

This is where you and everyone can be guilty of trying to see the future.  Yes what she said means you are going as friends but is that where this will end up? Who knows.

She seems like she is in no hurry to meet anyone and many and I mean a great many older women state they want friendship first.

 Look at it this way.  Having a female friend you enjoy talking to for hours is a good thing right?  Also women have women friends so fix ups or meeting her friends in the future could lead to something as well.

 Her statement takes the pressure off so hit her up for a day she is free to go into the city and then make some plans.

  Keep it simple, keep it fun and let the future surprise you instead of trying to control it.

Lost

[CantReadTheSigns]

28 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This is where you and everyone can be guilty of trying to see the future.  Yes what she said means you are going as friends but is that where this will end up? Who knows.

She seems like she is in no hurry to meet anyone and many and I mean a great many older women state they want friendship first.

 Look at it this way.  Having a female friend you enjoy talking to for hours is a good thing right?  Also women have women friends so fix ups or meeting her friends in the future could lead to something as well.

 Her statement takes the pressure off so hit her up for a day she is free to go into the city and then make some plans.

  Keep it simple, keep it fun and let the future surprise you instead of trying to control it.

Lost

Thanks, Lost

But I am not trying to control the future.

Just trying to understand her behavior.

If we were friends for a long time, I wouldn't have asked about it.

But because we are so new to each other I thought I would ask.

It seems this is more common than I thought

Which is an answer to my original question 

Yes, having a female friend like this is a good thing  

I will keep it simple and fun

And enjoy the journey 

 

[catfeeder]

By defining your interactions as a friendship, the woman removed the pressure and potential expectations of attempting to date romantically while you both live on the same property.

Lots of people subscribe to a belief that one shouldn’t date where you live. It can turn too creepy if things don’t work out.

[smackie9]

If she was really interested she would have jumped at the chance, and let you know when she would be available. When they say they already have plans, busy, etc they are not into it. 

[tattoobunnie]

18 hours ago, CantReadTheSigns said:

Is it more common than I thought for a woman to have four and five hour conversations with a man she  doesn't know that well while thinking this "this is far as it will ever go"?.

By myself, nope.  If I am not interested, it's just a wave hello from across the way.