Casual sex partner/FWB ghosts...any thoughts what it might mean?

[toothless5]

I wouldn't say I have been seeing this guy, but we have been out to dinner a couple of times. And we talk/text pretty sporadically.

It seems to me, especially based on the memes and content he sends me, that he is looking for a casual sex partner. Which I am perfectly fine with. I like sex. And having someone on tap whose company I enjoy to pursue sex with, when I am in the mood....I am totally game for it. 

What I am *not* okay with is the whole booty call situation. A quickie in some bathroom somewhere. Or...an 11:30 pm hookup when I am expected to drive home at 2 or 3 in the morning. Those are things that...just aren't my thing. Casual sex, sure. But, last-minute sex? Not so much.

A big part of it is I am not always....almost never actually...."ready" for sex. Maybe I ate a lot of garlic and onions all day. Or maybe I was busy working in the yard all day and I am a sweaty mess. More than likely, I haven't shaved my legs....or other things. So, when this guy....or any guy really....wants to hang out on a dime....it's just not that easy. It's like...at least a 3 hour thing for me to get ready. At least. It's not like...."Oh yeah, I'll be there in 15."

So, I like to make plans. So that I know what and what not to eat that day. So I know if I need to shower and shave. So that I have enough time for my hair to dry. So that I can make sure to have my lingerie clean.

So...over the last couple of months, I have made a number of attempts to get together. Usually very simple and very casual. "Hey I am back in town, so just let me know when you want to get together." This one came after he suggested a get-together but I was out of town, so I let him know I was back in town. Or..."I am free this Sunday, if you don't have any plans." Or things like that. In all these cases....he didn't decline my offers. No, that would be too simple. He would just ignore me. He would ghost for a few days. Maybe a week. "Do you have anything going on, on xyz? I happen to have the day off." Crickets. Nothing until 4 days later.

Then, he will reach out, but never actually address my previous questions or suggestions. Okay, he's not interested in hooking up. Fine. Only then...a few days later, he will be like, "Are your roommates home? Want company?" or "Come on over." (at aforementioned 11 o clock at night)

I guess I just don't get it. Like....if he isn't available....why not just say you aren't available? And maybe suggest another day? Why just disappear entirely with no response? Why ghost?

[Wiseman2]

Reconsider the relationship. You seem to want FWB or dating and unfortunately he treats you like an escort service at his convenience. 

There doesn't seem to be a mutual agreement about anything. Seems more like a headache you don't need if everything is only on his terms.

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

.if he isn't available....why not just say you aren't available? And maybe suggest another day? Why just disappear entirely with no response? Why ghost?

Maybe he's waiting to see what his other options are. Maybe he just doesn't care and thinks you'll get the hint when he doesn't reply. 

Either way, I would not continue to see a guy like this. It's plain rude to ignore you and would turn me off from even causal, last-minute booty calls anyway. 

I would block, personally.

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

I guess I just don't get it. Like....if he isn't available....why not just say you aren't available? And maybe suggest another day? Why just disappear entirely with no response? Why ghost?

Because you are a "booty call". If you arent available when he wants sex, there is another woman who is.  If he wanted to date you and take you out, he would. But he just wants to "release himself" at particular time and that is it.

[Username02]

This is simple: men will never honor the feelings, or desires of women who don’t require them to commit. 

If you are a woman who wants a FWB situation, then approach it like a man-no expectations and no strings, no feelings- just sex.

He will treat you like an object in his harem.  In the long run these situations are damaging to self esteem, and self worth. 

 

[lostandhurt]

There are tons of men out there that would love to have a FWB thing going with you so why not pursue that elsewhere?  This guy isn't working out so NEXT!

 You have what they want so act like it.

PS  It takes way more than unshaved legs to deter a guy that wants to sleep with you.

Lost

[shouldhavelearned]

He's not the one for what you want

 

Move on

[toothless5]

33 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

There are tons of men out there that would love to have a FWB thing going with you so why not pursue that elsewhere?  This guy isn't working out so NEXT!

 You have what they want so act like it.

PS  It takes way more than unshaved legs to deter a guy that wants to sleep with you.

Lost

Haha...I am aware. But it's more of a me thing. Also, unshaven legs is one thing. Unshaven legs and ratty hair and suspect breath....that might not work so well. 

But, like I said, it's a me thing. I just don't feel sexy, ergo sexual, when I am feeling gross. I don't need to look like a million bucks, but I do need to be clean and presentable. Which takes time. 

[toothless5]

52 minutes ago, Username02 said:

This is simple: men will never honor the feelings, or desires of women who don’t require them to commit. 

If you are a woman who wants a FWB situation, then approach it like a man-no expectations and no strings, no feelings- just sex.

He will treat you like an object in his harem.  In the long run these situations are damaging to self esteem, and self worth. 

 

But the whole point of FWB is.....the F part. Friendship/friends. 

It requires the basic level of friendship and consideration. I may not be expecting the moon and stars and flowers and chocolates. But, I just don't think it's too much to ask for a decent level of friendship.

Otherwise it isn't really FWB. 

[toothless5]

59 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because you are a "booty call". If you arent available when he wants sex, there is another woman who is.  If he wanted to date you and take you out, he would. But he just wants to "release himself" at particular time and that is it.

And dinner is too much of a price to pay for sex? 

That's what I have never understood. If you buy dinner for your booty call....that's a pretty cheap date. You are going to be paying a lot more to go to an escort service. 

So why not spend a little bit of money on heck, a pizza?

I am a very financially minded person. So....it's just something I've never understood. Dinner, even just a fast casual place, is so much cheaper than other options. 

[TacticalLinguine]

1 hour ago, toothless5 said:

What I am *not* okay with is the whole booty call situation. A quickie in some bathroom somewhere. Or...an 11:30 pm hookup when I am expected to drive home at 2 or 3 in the morning. Those are things that...just aren't my thing. Casual sex, sure. But, last-minute sex? Not so much.

A big part of it is I am not always....almost never actually...."ready" for sex. Maybe I ate a lot of garlic and onions all day. Or maybe I was busy working in the yard all day and I am a sweaty mess. More than likely, I haven't shaved my legs....or other things. So, when this guy....or any guy really....wants to hang out on a dime....it's just not that easy. It's like...at least a 3 hour thing for me to get ready. At least. It's not like...."Oh yeah, I'll be there in 15."

Why allow it then?

[toothless5]

Just now, TacticalLinguine said:

Why allow it then?

I don't. Anytime he suggests something list minute....or something that feels icky....I decline. 

[Username02]

17 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

Otherwise it isn't really FWB. 

You are looking at it from a woman’s feminine point of view.  You are not a friend to this guy- you are just a quick easy lay.  This is the thinking of men who seek casual sex- they don’t want a friend- just sex.

Simple question: are you really serving your best interests by investing time in a man who makes you feel “icky” with “icky” offers?

 

[toothless5]

7 minutes ago, Username02 said:

You are looking at it from a woman’s feminine point of view.  You are not a friend to this guy- you are just a quick easy lay.  This is the thinking of men who seek casual sex- they don’t want a friend- just sex.

Simple question: are you really serving your best interests by investing time in a man who makes you feel “icky” with “icky” offers?

 

Even if I were to concede this is the case....it probably is....then why doesn't he jump on the opportunity for sex when I throw it out there? 

If he knows I am in the mood, and likely to give it up...then you'd think he would reply...and at the very least if his schedule doesn't allow....say, "How about tomorrow?"

Why give up a sure thing?

[boltnrun]

I never bothered fixing up for my casual sex guy.  He'd message or call, I'd jump in my car (because I didn't want him at my home), we'd undress and do the deed, then I'd leave.  I didn't care if my legs were hairy or I was sweaty.  One time I'd actually had to wade through some gutter rainwater earlier in the day because there was a big storm in my city.  I hadn't had the chance to shower or even change my clothes.  Didn't matter.  I went anyway and knocked one off with him.  He never cared one bit if I had stubble (anywhere) or if I was wearing sweatpants.  They would come off anyway.

If you are putting in three hours of effort to impress him, that's not an "FWB".  That seems like you're hoping this turns into a dating situation.

[Kwothe28]

26 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

And dinner is too much of a price to pay for sex? 

That's what I have never understood. If you buy dinner for your booty call....that's a pretty cheap date. You are going to be paying a lot more to go to an escort service. 

So why not spend a little bit of money on heck, a pizza?

I dont think you should be looking at your dates as in "He should pay dinner, then we can have sex". Do you really want to put a price on your sexual experience?

Again, you are probably just one of many. He doesnt need to accomadate you, see you when you want and pays you dinners. You are an option at the moment, not "the must have". Sorry. 

[Username02]

9 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

Even if I were to concede this is the case....it probably is....then why doesn't he jump on the opportunity for sex ….

Why give up a sure thing?

Because he is doing this on HIS terms.  Common decency, and respect aren’t considered by men who seek casual sex.  Like someone else pointed out- he is just using you for a “ sexual release” when it is convenient FOR HIM. 

I hate to say this- but think about it- he is rejecting you even when you offer no strings sex.  That’s how low of a priority you are.

He won’t change.  Again, men will never honor the feelings or needs (even of the feelings and needs are trivial) of a woman who he wants for casual sex only.

 

[toothless5]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I never bothered fixing up for my casual sex guy.  He'd message or call, I'd jump in my car (because I didn't want him at my home), we'd undress and do the deed, then I'd leave.  I didn't care if my legs were hairy or I was sweaty.  One time I'd actually had to wade through some gutter rainwater earlier in the day because there was a big storm in my city.  I hadn't had the chance to shower or even change my clothes.  Didn't matter.  I went anyway and knocked one off with him.  He never cared one bit if I had stubble (anywhere) or if I was wearing sweatpants.  They would come off anyway.

If you are putting in three hours of effort to impress him, that's not an "FWB".  That seems like you're hoping this turns into a dating situation.

Not trying to impress him at all. I don't even wear makeup usually. 

I mentioned it in another reply but...we are just talking the very basics of getting clean and presentable. 

 

[Lambert]

I think you are reading too much into it. 

His idea for your situation is not the same as your idea for situation.

Move on. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

Not trying to impress him at all. I don't even wear makeup usually. 

I mentioned it in another reply but...we are just talking the very basics of getting clean and presentable. 

 

That takes three hours??

2 hours ago, toothless5 said:

So, when this guy....or any guy really....wants to hang out on a dime....it's just not that easy. It's like...at least a 3 hour thing for me to get ready. At least.

As for "why" he's ignoring you...no one knows.  To me it means he just isn't interested in replying so he doesn't.  The no strings sex isn't enough of a motivator for him to respond.  And maybe because you expect him to "pay" you for the sex with dinner.  I actually would find this to be a turnoff.

 

36 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

And dinner is too much of a price to pay for sex? 

My casual sex guy once told me he was broke and asked me to pay him for sex.  I did not. In fact, I cut him off at that point because I found the concept of paying this guy for sex ridiculous and frankly offensive.

[itsallgrand]

10 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think you are reading too much into it. 

His idea for your situation is not the same as your idea for situation.

Move on. 

Yup, that's my take too.

He just can't be bothered.

He can't be that great in bed to tolerate a boot out the door in the middle of the night being suggested huh?

[toothless5]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That takes three hours??

As for "why" he's ignoring you...no one knows.  To me it means he just isn't interested in replying so he doesn't.  The no strings sex isn't enough of a motivator for him to respond.  And maybe because you expect him to "pay" you for the sex with dinner.  I actually would find this to be a turnoff.

 

My casual sex guy once told me he was broke and asked me to pay him for sex.  I did not. In fact, I cut him off at that point because I found the concept of paying this guy for sex ridiculous and frankly offensive.

For real, if I don't start showering by 5 am before work...I don't even bother.

 

My hair takes at least an hour to dry...even with a hair dryer. Much longer if I air dry. If I don't let my skin dry, I get itchy, so I don't generally get dressed till I am completely dry. 

Also...I wear my hair in messy buns a lot, almost always.....so it typically takes 45 minutes to comb the tangles out of it. 

Then, when you figure in shaving, which could be quick or could be lengthy....and brushing the teeth, which could be quick or could take a few times...it may not be 3 hours, but it could certainly be a couple. 

I have before....been already showered and hair dry.....so all I needed to do was brush my teeth, then no, I don't worry about my leg hair....then in that case, sure, I can be pretty quick. 

 

 

As far as paying for sex....I don't view it like that....I just view it as the F part of FWB. Heck, I bought during our last dinner together. So, no, I don't expect him to pay for dinner for the sex. We don't even have to do dinner. We can just watch youtube for a bit, for all I care. 

My point was that dinner is a small price to pay, by comparison. 

 

[toothless5]

5 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Yup, that's my take too.

He just can't be bothered.

He can't be that great in bed to tolerate a boot out the door in the middle of the night being suggested huh?

The sex is pretty great.

But...I get what you mean.

[MissCanuck]

I think you and he are just completely incompatible casual-sex partners. 

You both view this arrangement very differently and have different expectations, which doesn't necessarily make either of you wrong - just not the right match for each other. 

[itsallgrand]

6 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

The sex is pretty great.

But...I get what you mean.

Yup! Just have decide if it's worth it. He seems pretty inconsiderate so he better blow your socks off lol.