I'm madly in love with her. There's just one little problem...

[lone_wolf]

I fell in love with a close friend, but she's married. It's not a sexual attraction: I really love her. I think about her all the time, so much that sometimes I can't sleep. I've been in love a few times, but never like this. I'm almost going mad.

She hinted she's not happy with her husband, and I tried to jokingly flirt with her just to see how she'd react, but I felt like she was uncomfortable, and she made it clear she's not interested, so I stopped. However, she hinted she kinda likes another man who is flirting with her for real, so even if she were to divorce, I'd still have zero chances.

This situation is making me feel anxious and lost, and I don't know what to do. I figured out these are my options:

1. Pretend I'm not in love and continue being her friend. I've been doing this for a long time and it's making me suffer.

2. Gradually cut her out of my life by letting her go as a friend (stop texting her, try to avoid meeting her, etc). This would be extremely hard for me because I really like our friendship, and I feel like I'd be lost without her.

3. Tell her we can't be friends anymore because I love her, and immediately cut contact. Also extremely hard.

4. Tell her the truth, but I'm sure that would ruin our friendship, so it's basically like option 2 or 3. Please note that even if she said she loves me back (100% not happening), I wouldn't want her to have an affair with me. If she was single or she divorced, yes, but no affairs. A relationship that started with cheating would probably end with cheating as well.

5. Ghost/ignore her without saying anything. I'm not the kind of guy to do that and I think she deserves an explanation.

So, what do you think would be the best thing for me to do? Any other ideas? How would you address this situation?

[Wiseman2]

You're filling a void in your life. Date other single available women. Don't live in a fantasy of unrequited crushes. 

[lone_wolf]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're filling a void in your life. Date other single available women. Don't live in a fantasy of unrequited crushes. 

Easier said than done. I wish it was that simple.

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, lone_wolf said:

Easier said than done. I wish it was that simple.

It's often hard to do the right thing in many areas of life.  The right thing is to end contact with this married woman in these circumstances.  It's not simple or easy but the simple part is -you have total control over how you behave.  So do the right thing.

[Andrina]

In thinking of a future dating prospect, it's not fair for her to date you when you're buddies with someone you would've liked so much more with. Keeping that a secret is just as bad.

1 hour ago, lone_wolf said:

she kinda likes another man who is flirting with her for real,

And your judgement is so clouded by your crush that you don't even see that she makes for a crappy partner. Even if she's not happily married, she still is married and she allows this other man to flirt and has allowed herself to develop feelings for him. 

In your shoes, I'd tell her: I have to think about my dating future, and find that my crush on you won't be fair to anybody I'm dating. I'll have great memories of our friendship, but I have to go no contact for my own good.

Life isn't easy and we sometimes have to give up friendships for good reason. It's part of being a grown-up.

[lone_wolf]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's often hard to do the right thing in many areas of life.  The right thing is to end contact with this married woman in these circumstances.  It's not simple or easy but the simple part is -you have total control over how you behave.  So do the right thing.

She is a very close friend. Not just a friend to laugh and hang out with. She supported me in times of need, and I did the same for her, for many years. So I really don't know how to cut contact with her.  

1 minute ago, Andrina said:

In thinking of a future dating prospect, it's not fair for her to date you when you're buddies with someone you would've liked so much more with. Keeping that a secret is just as bad.

And your judgement is so clouded by your crush that you don't even see that she makes for a crappy partner. Even if she's not happily married, she still is married and she allows this other man to flirt and has allowed herself to develop feelings for him. 

In your shoes, I'd tell her: I have to think about my dating future, and find that my crush on you won't be fair to anybody I'm dating. I'll have great memories of our friendship, but I have to go no contact for my own good.

Life isn't easy and we sometimes have to give up friendships for good reason. It's part of being a grown-up.

I agree that maybe she wouldn't be the right partner, as she lets another man flirt with her. But it's always hard to break up with a close friend.

[NighttimeNightmare]

She’s married. Stop it 

 

you have no right to introduce life-long betrayal trauma into someone else’s life because you “caught feelings” and feel the need to be selfish about it. Gross. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, lone_wolf said:

She is a very close friend. Not just a friend to laugh and hang out with. She supported me in times of need, and I did the same for her, for many years. So I really don't know how to cut contact with her.  

Yes it's very hard.  You do know.  You can tell her "I've realized it's inappropriate for me to be in touch with you at this time given your situation and marriage.  I care about you and wish you the best."

[Andrina]

When people are hurt by your friendship, you have to do the hard thing and end the friendship. Though you could care less about her husband, you've hurt him by flirting with his wife and retaining a close friendship when you have a major crush on her. It's unethical and selfish, for both you and her.

And I said, it unethical to date a new woman without disclosing you have a major crush on your "friend." Plus, any woman with a healthy self worth will run to the nearest exit when she finds this out, either by your disclosure or her gut feeling and observations.

So carry on if you want to be single forever, and are fine with flirting with a taken woman. Karma has a great way of biting you in the butt and you'll be self-sabotaging. How you've been there for each other in the past is irrelevant in this situation. Being childish is having the mindset of "me, me, me and be damned the circumstances." Being a mature grown-up is acting ethically and acting in ways that will benefit your present and future life goals.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, lone_wolf said:

Tell her the truth, but I'm sure that would ruin our friendship

I dont think there is much of a friendship when you are in love with her while she keeps you in friendzone. 

Its extremely problematic not only because you "love" a married woman and contemplating an affair with her while she is still married, but because you cant be friends with somebody you want romantically. It hinders you from moving forward as you wont move forward with your life. For example, you may meet some other woman if she isnt in your life, but with her there, you may not even try. Her just being there is not good for you. So, dont create drama, and cut contact until you forgot about somebody who friendzoned you and doesnt see you in a romantic way. But wants to cheat her husband with some other man. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, lone_wolf said:

. I think about her all the time, so much that sometimes I can't sleep. I tried to jokingly flirt with her just to see how she'd react, but I felt like she was uncomfortable, and she made it clear she's not interested, 

Since you value your friendship, don't make passes at her. She's not even interested. 

The real issue isn't that she's married, it's that you're becoming obsessed and crossing boundaries into the no-go zone. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Mention the insomnia and obsessions. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

[redswim30]

On 7/22/2023 at 10:05 AM, lone_wolf said:

I fell in love with a close friend, but she's married. It's not a sexual attraction: I really love her. I think about her all the time, so much that sometimes I can't sleep. I've been in love a few times, but never like this. I'm almost going mad.

She hinted she's not happy with her husband, and I tried to jokingly flirt with her just to see how she'd react, but I felt like she was uncomfortable, and she made it clear she's not interested, so I stopped. However, she hinted she kinda likes another man who is flirting with her for real, so even if she were to divorce, I'd still have zero chances.

This situation is making me feel anxious and lost, and I don't know what to do. I figured out these are my options:

1. Pretend I'm not in love and continue being her friend. I've been doing this for a long time and it's making me suffer.

2. Gradually cut her out of my life by letting her go as a friend (stop texting her, try to avoid meeting her, etc). This would be extremely hard for me because I really like our friendship, and I feel like I'd be lost without her.

3. Tell her we can't be friends anymore because I love her, and immediately cut contact. Also extremely hard.

4. Tell her the truth, but I'm sure that would ruin our friendship, so it's basically like option 2 or 3. Please note that even if she said she loves me back (100% not happening), I wouldn't want her to have an affair with me. If she was single or she divorced, yes, but no affairs. A relationship that started with cheating would probably end with cheating as well.

5. Ghost/ignore her without saying anything. I'm not the kind of guy to do that and I think she deserves an explanation.

So, what do you think would be the best thing for me to do? Any other ideas? How would you address this situation?

Hey OP, 

I really feel bad for you.  I won't belittle you by saying things like "You don't really love her."  I think the fact that you are so torn about this and wouldn't want an affair, does show a loving care and respect for her.  I think people fall in love with taken people all the time, just as married people can fall in love outside of the marriage.  If this never happened, the world would be such an easier place, wouldn't it? 

I'd say just accept that she sees you as a friend, until you say it's making you suffer.  Well obviously, that's not good.  

Here is my opinion and advice- 

STEP 1- You need to tell her how you feel.  Tell her that because of how strong your feelings are, that you have to do what is best for you and protect yourself, and stop contacting her and that you hope she understands.    If this woman is really as amazing as you think she is, she will not judge you.  A kind response for her will be something along the lines of, "I am very flattered and while I'm sad to lose your friendship, I understand and wish you the best."

STEP 2-  Seek individual counseling.  It doesn't sound to me like you actively sought this out as much as "Oops.  I caught feelings for someone I shouldn't".  I don't think you need to beat yourself up about that.  I honestly think this happens all the time and is normal.   I DO however, think it's worth examining WHY.  What qualities about her drew you in?  Why did you invest so much time in someone who was married instead of actively seeking out someone single?   Explore what is making you feel anxious.  Perhaps you'll discover it isn't really about this woman at all, but something you feel that she "gave you" that is actively miss in your life?  Something she represents. 

STEP 3- Put yourself out there and seek out someone available.  While I do think "feelings for people" sometimes catch us off guard and unexpectedly, I also think sometimes our infatuation brain or even "love brain"- makes us think they are the ONLY person in the world with those qualities or could make us happy in the same way, and that's just not true.  I believe we have billions of potential matches with others that could make us happy.   This is part of why it's worth examining WHAT qualities/values you feel that this woman was giving.  Actively seeking what you want in a healthier form for you. 

I truly wish you the very best of luck.   No need to beat yourself up.  Feelings happen unintentionally all the time, we can't always control them.  We CAN, however, control our actions.  It's time to take some healthy actions to distance yourself from something causing you pain, and take action to put yourself in a situation that will be healthier and more rewarding for you in the long run. 

 

[SooSad33]

On 7/22/2023 at 11:05 AM, lone_wolf said:

She hinted she's not happy with her husband, and I tried to jokingly flirt with her just to see how she'd react, but I felt like she was uncomfortable, and she made it clear she's not interested, so I stopped. However, she hinted she kinda likes another man who is flirting with her for real, so even if she were to divorce, I'd still have zero chances.

This situation is making me feel anxious and lost, and I don't know what to do. I figured out these are my options:

1. Pretend I'm not in love and continue being her friend. I've been doing this for a long time and it's making me suffer.

Then stop it!  Why continue to put yourself thru he**? 😕 .

If you can't handle it all, why don't you be around true friends.  You're just mentally damaging yourself. 

[catfeeder]

Whether married or not, the friend zone is the friend zone, and that’s rarely, if ever, likely to change.

Have you ever met her spouse, and if so, how close have you become to him?

I’ve learned from experience that it’s really helpful to humanize a crush’s partner. It changes the fantasy dynamic into a more grounded relationship with two humans. Empathy enters the picture, and compassion for the spouse becomes a key driver in all future interactions, regardless of whether those are with one or both of the couple.

If you are resistant to doing this or your crush raises a barrier, then what should that tell you?

Either you WANT to maintain the friendship in an ethical way, or not. If so, do what it takes. If not, then drop away without drama.

Lots of people will not play out practical issues in their own mind to figure out the most realistic and practical solutions. That’s to their own detriment. Do the work, and decide where you stand. Then operate as an adult.

You can do this.

[Tinydance]

I think number 4. Just my personal approach is to be straight to the point. I guess you don't have to say you're madly in love with her, you think about her constantly, etc. You could say you've had feelings for her for quite a while and you haven't been able to get over them. So even though you really value your friendship, you simply can't keep being friends.

I think if you start slow fading her, she might be wondering what's going on and what she did wrong. I don't think you can really slow fade a close friend. I think if it's a close friend you owe them an explanation if you want to end the friendship.

It's not your fault you fell in love with her. You can't help how you feel. But I just don't think continuing to be friends with her will do you any good.