Am I wrong here?

[lostandhurt]

This is a simple case of a single person that is in a relationship acting like they are still single.

He didn't adjust his life hardly at all once you were in the picture and just kept on like nothing had changed.  Well when you are in a relationship things change.  You make time for each other, friends come second and you do not allow other people (friends, family or coworkers) to get in the way of together time.  This isn't just because she is a she, this is because he has chosen her for a lot of his companionship and chosen you for the rest.

 It is like he has two gf's isn't it?  He just has sex with you is the only difference. 

I have seen this when some guy gets a gf but still hangs out with his buddies way to much until one day the gf gets sick of it and dumps him. (think high school)

 If any friendship is getting in the way of a relationship then boundaries are being ignored or crossed.

 After such a short time together it would seem like he would want to spend way more time with you than her anyways.

 Why isn't she in a relationship or dating?  Is she unattractive? overweight? hot mess? 

Ignore her gender, for that matter ignore her all together and focus on his actions solely.

  Lost

[catfeeder]

I just don't see how having him report to you whenever he sees her will improve anything. He appears to be 'yesing' you on that even while he resents it and is not going to do it, so what good will fighting about it do?

I'd make this less of a 'him' thing and view it instead as a 'me' thing. I don't like what he's doing, he's not going to change it, so do I want to stay or go?

If the answer remains stay, then here I am.

[SooSad33]

On 7/16/2023 at 6:55 AM, JandJMom said:

I just don't understand why he makes a point to keep it from me.  Is it because he thinks I'm going to get mad? 

I'd say yes.

I think deep down, he knows this is a different thing as it's a 'her' who is a really good friend with him. ( Not a guy).  So, he's kind of avoidant with that.

Fact is, is they're just good friends, that;s okay, I guess.  Some male/females can be good friends.  She's been in his life a good while.

I actually had a decent friendship with a guy, until he moved out of this area.  I'd help him with cleaning & laundry once or twice a month. I'd go with him to get his dtr or shop etc.  And we'd hang out for a couple hours here & there, watching 'his shows'.  I even tried to teach his dtr about baking 🙂 .  But, was all innocent because we didn't see each other that way and I am the 'giving kind'.  

So maybe, this guy is a bit 'avoidant' in this situation, because he knows it's different and because some had previously assumed they were more than they are.

BUT, can you accept?  If yes, then the assumptions have to stop.  If you can't accept what is, then it will cause some major issue's and this won't last.

 

[JandJMom]

25 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I'd say yes.

I think deep down, he knows this is a different thing as it's a 'her' who is a really good friend with him. ( Not a guy).  So, he's kind of avoidant with that.

Fact is, is they're just good friends, that;s okay, I guess.  Some male/females can be good friends.  She's been in his life a good while.

I actually had a decent friendship with a guy, until he moved out of this area.  I'd help him with cleaning & laundry once or twice a month. I'd go with him to get his dtr or shop etc.  And we'd hang out for a couple hours here & there, watching 'his shows'.  I even tried to teach his dtr about baking 🙂 .  But, was all innocent because we didn't see each other that way and I am the 'giving kind'.  

So maybe, this guy is a bit 'avoidant' in this situation, because he knows it's different and because some had previously assumed they were more than they are.

BUT, can you accept?  If yes, then the assumptions have to stop.  If you can't accept what is, then it will cause some major issue's and this won't last.

 

I honestly think that this is it.  And I'm trying really hard to accept it.  Most of the time I'm fine with it.   And honestly, I work a decent amount so I can't always do stuff with him.  He doesn't see her that often, I guess.  And I know I can't tell him "no, I can't go with you but you have to go alone".  I'm jealous of their relationship, I guess.  And she wasn't really a problem anyway until about Christmas time.  That's when she was injured at work and she couldn't drive for a little bit and I feel like he's been spending a lot of time with her really since then.  But still, I'm with him most of the time, when we're not working.  But she does call and text him a lot.  And even the comments of them being a couple, they probably thought they were a couple before I came around.  I don't know.  I know it's a me thing and I'm fine with it 95% of the time.  I know that it's not really going to change though, so I either get over it or move on.  A part of me wanted to tell my friend to start texting and calling more.  I know my boyfriend would not like it.  But that's just me being petty 😒😒

[SooSad33]

4 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

I'm jealous of their relationship, I guess.  And she wasn't really a problem anyway until about Christmas time.  That's when she was injured at work and she couldn't drive for a little bit and I feel like he's been spending a lot of time with her really since then.  But still, I'm with him most of the time, when we're not working.

- And this can become a problem and even toxic ( with your responses of coldness etc- which will cause problems).

So yeah, you have to let it all go.. or it'll eat away at you and it comes to an end. 

But, in some ways, I feel he can understand why you'd be a little offended/ jealous.  He best kick it up a notch to make sure you do feel all is fine.  so, this is some work for the both of you!

 

4 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

But she does call and text him a lot.  And even the comments of them being a couple, they probably thought they were a couple before I came around.  I don't know.  I know it's a me thing and I'm fine with it 95% of the time.  I know that it's not really going to change though, so I either get over it or move on

- Well, she is female 😉 , lol.

I think if they were to be a couple, they would have by now.  But it never happened, I assume.

BUT, she does need to realize he is now involved - I hope she respects him and you in this.

Right, can you accept what is....

 

5 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

A part of me wanted to tell my friend to start texting and calling more.  I know my boyfriend would not like it.

What friend?

 

[Batya33]

Does she regard you as the significant other? Treat you so that it’s obvious she knows he’s taken ? 

[JandJMom]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Does she regard you as the significant other? Treat you so that it’s obvious she knows he’s taken ? 

Yes.  She's never hanging on him or anything.  And we've hung out before.  Like I said, I honestly don't think that anything would happen between them.  And he helps her out a lot, but he's never been like "Hey, I've got to cancel on you because I've got to go help her do whatever".  But he's defensive about her, whenever I say anything.  

I don't always feel like they spend a lot of time together.  But the week of the 4th, he had to go over there to help her build a grill.  Then we go to the BBQ, her friends asking who I was and oh "I thought you guys were together".  He cooked the whole time we were there for her and her friends.  Then the next day, he had to go over to help her with a fan or something.  I mean, it's friend stuff, I know.  But sometimes, it's excessive.  And then to barely even talk to me all day and then I go there because I feel bad, she's laying on the couch was just too much I felt like.  

But maybe it's me

[boltnrun]

I was involved with someone for four years who had a female "friend" who was hanging out at his place until 3 or 4 am almost every night. I wasn't there most of the time because I'm a mother and I wasn't going to just leave the kids alone to go shack up with this guy. I'm not going to give you details because it might influence you to think certain things. I'll just leave it as, we are not together any longer. And this female "friend" was one factor.

Please don't feel you need to force yourself to be OK with this. If you're not, you're not. And you wouldn't necessarily be wrong. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

.He cooked the whole time we were there for her and her friends.  Then the next day, he had to go over to help her with a fan or something.  I mean, it's friend stuff, 

Trust your instincts. While they're probably not interested in a romantic situation, he is acting like a surrogate BF for her.

Step back. Do more things with your children friends and family. Don't run over there and sleep over every free moment. Does he ever go to your place or help you or hang out with your kids or do BF like stuff? 

Stop asking about her altogether. It's an ego trip for him. Just start being a lot busier with your own life.

[Coily]

On 7/16/2023 at 6:55 AM, JandJMom said:

They've been friends since he moved here 10 years ago and she's helped him through a lot, with his ex and with his kids. 

 

I don't know why but this really struck me about your situation.

I have a feeling that he has a level of comfort and trust with her due to this, something that you will need to consider in dealing with him. This comes across as a surrogate sister or mother in a lot of ways, so naturally he is more apt to step and fetch it for her than other friends.

I don't think he eve sees it outside of your frustration with him. It may be time to gently assert your boundary preferences, and negotiate with him. I think a lot here just see the side effects on your relationship, not that there is a deep reason that he behaves this way.

Does this justify his actions in any way? Nah, but it's worth trying to put the pieces together so you know how you want to proceed.

[JandJMom]

Thank you everyone.  I honestly don't know what's going on.  We kind of talked about everything last night and he said he'd try to do better.

Today I went over for a little bit and he was a little quiet.  It felt like he might be a little mad.  I just stopped by after work for a little bit and then went to hang out with my daughter for a bit.  So it was only an hour or so.  But he seemed a little distant.  We were talking about doing more date night things last week and we were looking at a comedy show.  I asked him if he wanted to still go and he told me that the show had sold out.  I double checked after I left and it's not sold out.  😔 So I'm not sure exactly what's going on now.  Tomorrow, I'll be over for our regular night out, so we'll have some actual time together.  I guess we will discuss everything then.  I don't want to break up with him.  But I don't know, I don't know that he cares enough to talk everything through in a calm manner tomorrow.  I don't want to fight. 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

I don't want to fight. 

Please don't make the mistake of trying to shove your true thoughts and feelings underground just to try to "keep him".

6 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

he said he'd try to do better.

"Try to do better"? What does that mean? He will either make his relationship with you more of a priority or he won't. He either wants his relationship with you to be successful or he doesn't. 

Is he making it about a choice between you and her?

[1a1a]

Priority is the key word. Do you feel like a priority?

[JandJMom]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please don't make the mistake of trying to shove your true thoughts and feelings underground just to try to "keep him".

"Try to do better"? What does that mean? He will either make his relationship with you more of a priority or he won't. He either wants his relationship with you to be successful or he doesn't. 

Is he making it about a choice between you and her?

No, I honestly didn't even mention her.  I told him that I felt like he was ignoring me all day and then when I tried to talk to him he was basically like well, I was going to tell you about my day but youre not coming over anymore.  And then stopped talking to me. That's when I went over there to see him, but his friend was over.  I told him that what he said kind of hurt my feelings.  One day he'll say don't worry about ever having to cancel because of the kids (which I hardly ever do) but on the other hand will be annoyed when I have to change plans.   I told him that sometimes he doesn't seem like he cares about my feelings.  Like when he asked if I was ok, I honestly wanted to ask him would it matter if I wasn't?  

I will say, he's not a feelings type of guy.  He likes to show how he feels with touch, not even in a sexual way, but holding my hand, stuff like that.  And he always tells me that he's not great with words.  But still, like a quick text even just telling me youre busy is all that I need.  

[JandJMom]

2 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Priority is the key word. Do you feel like a priority?

Sometimes.  I usually do, but I don't know what's happening now.  I haven't been in many relationships.  And my ex husband and I were married when I was 22 and I finally moved out when I was 36.  I haven't been in a real relationship since and I don't know how it works.  And now I'm so anxious because I don't know what's going on 😔

[catfeeder]

35 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

One day he'll say don't worry about ever having to cancel because of the kids (which I hardly ever do) but on the other hand will be annoyed when I have to change plans. 

This ^^^ would be my main focus. I think if you can resolve this, you'll feel more confident should you want to address anything else. But this is what's throwing you off balance. 

[JandJMom]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This ^^^ would be my main focus. I think if you can resolve this, you'll feel more confident should you want to address anything else. But this is what's throwing you off balance. 

I really am trying to work on this.  And my kids aren't super young.  But I feel anxious anytime I have to change plans and maybe he's still mad at this.  But stuff comes up and I shouldn't have to be afraid to tell him that I need to change them.

Last night when we talked, I just asked him to be more aware of my feelings. And he said he'd work on that but asked if it could go both ways.  I told him that I am working on it because he's worth it and that hopefully I am too.  He told me I was.  But now, lying about why he doesn't want to go on Thursday.  Like 1, I couldn't easily check on that myself.  And 2, like I would be upset that we didn't go.  I'm cool for anything.  Laying around watching TV or going out.  I'm tired of bringing things up.  Maybe I should let it go?  It's not that big of a deal, but I hate that he lied to me and why??  I'm trying so hard to trust him.  But I feel like I'll never be able to trust him because he'll lie about stupid stuff.  😫 I'm going to try to bring it up in a way that I'm not mad or whatever, just want to know why.  But I feel like he's just going to get defensive and mad.  

[boltnrun]

If you two can't even have a simple discussion without one getting mad and the other one creeping along fearful of saying the wrong thing...or one is making up lies and the other one has distrust... you're in the wrong relationship.

[JandJMom]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Trust your instincts. While they're probably not interested in a romantic situation, he is acting like a surrogate BF for her.

Step back. Do more things with your children friends and family. Don't run over there and sleep over every free moment. Does he ever go to your place or help you or hang out with your kids or do BF like stuff? 

Stop asking about her altogether. It's an ego trip for him. Just start being a lot busier with your own life.

I am going to focus more on my stuff.  I've been trying to make him know that he is a priority to me.  And he does come over, every now and then, he comes to my son's sports games, we hang out with the kids when they're not busy (my teenager works now and my son has football every night).  He does do things for me.  I'm just feeling very insecure about us right now. 😔. I do have a life outside of him, though.  I've put it on the back burner a little bit because, I like to be with him.  But maybe he needs to see that Im with him because I want to be with him, but I can certainly do something else if he doesn't see that. 

[catfeeder]

There’s no way that I’d cater to a guy who promises me that he understands parenting is my priority and I never need to worry that he would get angry with me for that… then proceeds to cold shoulder me when I need to prioritize my kids.

I’d let him cold shoulder his way gone before I’d let him off the hook for that— or the snide remark about it.

i’d be so frosted by that, he’d need to come to me and make it up to me, period.

The rest is all noise.

His friend wouldn’t have made a difference because I would never have gone over there.

So that’s my boundary, and if you don’t have a clear one on that, then you’re the one jerking yourself around.

Now you’ve caught him in a lie and you are hemming about how to tiptoe around that?

I’m sorry to sound harsh, but you’re being treated like a doormat because you’re willing to behave like one. For a guy you can’t even trust not to lie about small things much less the whopper he pulled on you for trying to be a good parent.

Seriously, I’d give this guy and his pseudo girlfriend the heave-ho. I wouldn’t want some passive aggressive liar around my kids—OR ME.

[Sally .C.]

If you talk to him about his little lies, maybe approach it in a very empathetic way, seeing as he easily grows defensive.

"You know I love you, and I'm not angry with you, I'm just wondering why you would lie about the show being sold out. I didn't care about the show as much as just spending time together. Again, I'm not mad at you, I'm just wondering why you would be dishonest about that."

Maybe you've tried a really gentle approach like this before, but hopefully it would help but his guard down and not immediately jump to defensiveness.

Silly little unnecessary lies like this would drive me nuts! I'm guessing he does it to avoid conflict, but he needs to trust you enough to know that he can go through conflict with you, rather than hide it from you.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, JandJMom said:

.  I've been trying to make him know that he is a priority to me.  

Step away from doing this. Make yourself, your kids, your family, your job, your friends your hobbies and interests your priority.  Being a doormat won't help him respect you and your time or needs. In fact it's doing the opposite. 

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, Sally .C. said:

Silly little unnecessary lies like this would drive me nuts!

Really? Consider WHY. It means you can't trust him. About anything. Ever.

So what have you got? What would you be trying to preserve, exactly, by pulling a soft sell on honesty?

I'd skip the eggshell walk and call this guy out on being the liar he's been since he cold shouldered you about your time for your kids. I'd tell him to take it to his girlfriend.

[Sally .C.]

Catfeeder- I mentioned in another response that the OP would likely feel relieved in ending this relationship, as she would no longer have to stress about the 'other woman' in his life, who is probably here to stay. Personally I wouldn't be able to handle it.

When it comes to the lies...they're really unnecessary, stupid lies, which suggests to me that this guy has conflict avoidance issues and has developed a wierd habit in attempt to avoid arguments, no matter how small. There's a pathology involved with this habit/defense mechanism. I think it's something that can be overcome. 

Or, maybe not. But I am a soft, give others the benefit of the doubt, type of person. I also think that if the OP is going to walk away from the relationship, that she'll be less likely to feel regret if she first tries her best to talk to him & try to fix it.

[boltnrun]

Fixing relationships only works if both parties are on board. I don't believe lying and concealing things and going back on promises indicates commitment to the relationship. I also strongly believe fear has no place in any relationship. If someone is too afraid to bring up a topic or has to fluff it up with "soft" words, the relationship has some serious problems.