First "date" confusion

[greendots]

Kim, have fun on your lunch date!

Plenty of men text someone regularly but have no intention to actually go on more dates with you.

How often a man makes time to see you is definitely more of an indication of how interested in you he really is.

[kim42]

Thanks guys, I was a little worried because I talked to two of my friends and they both met someone on a dating app, and they said they've beem texting with these men nonstop, so I thought maybe it's a little weird that me and this guy don't text that much.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, kim42 said:

 they said they've beem texting with these men nonstop.

Have fun. "Texting nonstop" is actually a huge red flag. Texting is not dating.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

Thanks guys, I was a little worried because I talked to two of my friends and they both met someone on a dating app, and they said they've beem texting with these men nonstop, so I thought maybe it's a little weird that me and this guy don't text that much.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!

 

When two people connect on a dating app they both have clarity about the context. In your case, you’re on an exploratory mission to learn whether an acquaintance might make a conversion into good dating material.

Your case sounds more fun!

EnjOy!

[kim42]

So I'm on my way to my weekend getaway destination. The last time we texted was Thursday, I said I'll text him once I arrive to confirm what time we're meeting. 

I was honestly expecting him to text me this morning or something but he didn't so far, so my expectations are not too high, I'll try to enjoy the lunch and then meet my friends.

 

[Tinydance]

Well I wouldn't necessarily say that he's not interested but I guess he just doesn't know how the date is going to go. I know you already know each other but you've never actually dated. Normally people don't straight away say that they'll spend all day with someone if they're not sure how the first date is going to go. Usually the first date is not that long and it's just coffee/lunch/drinks. I understand where you're coming from though because you do live in another country so you're not usually in this guy's area. I suppose on his end, he does actually live there. So maybe he's not thinking of it as that it's a big effort because he didn't travel to another country himself.

[kim42]

So a little update for those following this thread.

He did text me after all in the morning, and we met for lunch as planned. We spent almost 5 hours together, I had a good time with him, it was very different to meet him in a more relaxed environment. I think we both enjoyed this afternoon together, we laughed a lot, he flirted and there was some little touching too so I thought we liked each other. I then met up with my friends as planned.

He didn't want to meet later in the evening though - he lives almost 2 hours from where I'm staying, and he said that as much as he would love to see me again he's too exhausted to commute 2 hours again this evening.

So I think he's probably not interested in seeing me another time. I'm a little disappointed because I thought we both had a good time this afternoon but I guess that just happens sometimes.

[Wiseman2]

Stay in touch with him. He seems interested but the logistics were a bit strenuous. See what happens.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, kim42 said:

So a little update for those following this thread.

He did text me after all in the morning, and we met for lunch as planned. We spent almost 5 hours together, I had a good time with him, it was very different to meet him in a more relaxed environment. I think we both enjoyed this afternoon together, we laughed a lot, he flirted and there was some little touching too so I thought we liked each other. I then met up with my friends as planned.

He didn't want to meet later in the evening though - he lives almost 2 hours from where I'm staying, and he said that as much as he would love to see me again he's too exhausted to commute 2 hours again this evening.

So I think he's probably not interested in seeing me another time. I'm a little disappointed because I thought we both had a good time this afternoon but I guess that just happens sometimes.

I would take at face value -a 5 hour lunch?? Lunch often can be an hour or so.  Why should he commute 2 hours again -that's a huge commute -plus you didn't offer to reschedule your plans for him - not that you should but basically to see you he had to accommodate your previous plan.

Since he invited you to lunch perhaps follow up soon and say that of course you realize he couldn't see you again same day but you can travel to him next time and/or meet in the middle.

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, kim42 said:

So I think he's probably not interested in seeing me another time.

Wut? Guy spent 5 hours with you and even flirted and touch you. What makes you think he is not interested in seeing you again? Just because he didnt want to spend an entire day with you doesnt mean he doesnt like you very much.

Has he mentioned that he wants to see you again?

[kim42]

It started with lunch and then we went for a walk and a drink. I met up with my friends later than planned in the afternoon because we were having a good time and it was obvious we would stay longer than just lunch.

Thanks everyone, I don't know if I'm being unrealistic, it's true he already spent a lot of time with me today. I think if a guy is really interested he won't be too tired to see a woman but it's true he lives far.

He didn't mention anything about seeing me tomorrow so I don't know. I think the ball is in his court now, if he wants to see me, since he rejected evening plans.

 

 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, kim42 said:

It started with lunch and then we went for a walk and a drink. I met up with my friends later than planned in the afternoon because we were having a good time and it was obvious we would stay longer than just lunch.

Thanks everyone, I don't know if I'm being unrealistic, it's true he already spent a lot of time with me today. I think if a guy is really interested he won't be too tired to see a woman but it's true he lives far.

He didn't mention anything about seeing me tomorrow so I don't know. I think the ball is in his court now, if he wants to see me, since he rejected evening plans.

 

 

He rejected last minute plans. That required a really long drive. Plans you already made. He invited you to lunch. In advance.  Spent five hours with you. Your turn to make a proper plan in advance that is convenient for him. Not a last minute you can join me later just drive 2 hours plan. 
I couldn’t disagree with you more. And since it wasn’t a date today simply mirror what he did - invite him to do an activity with you.  In advance. That’s convenient for him. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

58 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He didn't want to meet later in the evening though - he lives almost 2 hours from where I'm staying, and he said that as much as he would love to see me again he's too exhausted to commute 2 hours again this evening.

So I think he's probably not interested in seeing me another time.

I’m sorry, what? How did you make this leap?

2 hours is a very long commute and I’m not going to drive it again just to “prove” my interest to someone.  He just went out with you and spent 5 hours, not wanting to make a 2 hour drive =\= a lack of interest

Is your attachment style anxious?  Don’t be one of those people who need constant reassurance in the form of texting, calling, and being together 24/7 

 

I don’t think texting throughout the day is a red flag, or even a bad thing to want, btw. I think the intent or expectation behind the behavior is what can be unhealthy. Im personally someone who likes to text throughout the day, but it’s super unhealthy to not allow someone to go about their own day without thinking a lapse in contact means everything is over (no judgement, I fall victim to these feelings sometimes, too. But I try to take a hold of my emotions and find healthy coping mechanisms).  Don’t make someone else responsible for what you’re feeling, esp if you struggle to self soothe. 

[boltnrun]

Not being up for TWO four hours round trips in the same day means he's not making an effort? 

Were you planning to invite him to stay overnight with you in your hotel room? Otherwise I can't imagine why you would expect him to travel that much in one day. (For the record, I think inviting him to sleep in your hotel room would have been a bad idea.)

It almost seems like you expect an "insta-commitment". 

[kim42]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He rejected last minute plans. That required a really long drive. Plans you already made. He invited you to lunch. In advance.  Spent five hours with you. Your turn to make a proper plan in advance that is convenient for him. Not a last minute you can join me later just drive 2 hours plan. 
I couldn’t disagree with you more. And since it wasn’t a date today simply mirror what he did - invite him to do an activity with you.  In advance. That’s convenient for him. 

We already talked about drinks in the evening before so it's not like I mentionned it for the first time but I see what you mean.

I didn't mention doing anything on Sunday because I didn't know how well we would get along.

[kim42]

Some comments helped me to see things in a bigger picture, and I admit that my expectations could have been a little unreasonable.

Usually I'm far more relaxed but I'm in his city only for the weekend so that's probably why I thought we'd spend more time together, but it's true that 5 hours is a lot.

I think in the past I would make all kinds of excuses for guys who were flaky or hot/cold that now I see red flags even if things are going well.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, kim42 said:

We already talked about drinks in the evening before so it's not like I mentionned it for the first time but I see what you mean.

I didn't mention doing anything on Sunday because I didn't know how well we would get along.

He's clearly interested if he took you to lunch and spent that much time together. Do you like him? Did you have a good time? All you need to do is shoot him a text that you enjoyed yourself. How far apart are you? 

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's clearly interested if he took you to lunch and spent that much time together. Do you like him? Did you have a good time? All you need to do is shoot him a text that you enjoyed yourself. How far apart are you? 

Yes I like him, we have many things in common and I had a good time today.

I sent him a text that I had fun today, and he said he had fun and enjoyed chatting with me too.

We live in different countries but it's only 2 hours by train.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I sent him a text that I had fun today, and he said he had fun and enjoyed chatting with me too.

This sounds very "polite" but doesn't mean much.  Nor does having things in common and getting on well for five hours. 

I've had great dates where I had fun, enjoyed chatting, laughter etc but felt no romantic chemistry at all. 

Did he mention getting together again?   

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

We already talked about drinks in the evening before so it's not like I mentionned it for the first time but I see what you mean.

I didn't mention doing anything on Sunday because I didn't know how well we would get along.

Right so you're allowed to hedge but then he's supposed to wait for you to confirm last minute.  I would have said no because I was interested -meaning if I were in his shoes -it woul have been too much too soon as well as a last minute invitation -an after thought.  But I would have agreed to a plan made in advance - when he said it was too much for tonight did you suggest an alternative?

I'm glad you're coming around to a different point of view.

[Andrina]

36 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Usually I'm far more relaxed but I'm in his city only for the weekend so that's probably why I thought we'd spend more time together,

 

21 minutes ago, kim42 said:

We live in different countries but it's only 2 hours by train.

There's no difference in commute time, so I don't know what all this togetherness time you wanted for this particular weekend was so important. Now that that's known, IMO, just as in local dating, first meets and dates at the very beginning should be kept brief, so it's probably better he bowed out. Too much time together too soon isn't wise.

Even if two people are totally into each other, it's best to use some restraint when hormones are running rampant to not go overboard in spending every waking moment chatting and getting together for marathon dates.

LDRs have a high risk of failure when they start that way, because people have very busy lives and LDRs take a lot of effort and money. You're obviously willing to make the effort. I guess you'll find out your answer whether he continues communicating with you or not, if its romantic communication or just friendship, and if he makes future plans with you and/or accepts your invitations. I hope it goes the way you want. Good luck.

[kim42]

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This sounds very "polite" but doesn't mean much.  Nor does having things in common and getting on well for five hours. 

I've had great dates where I had fun, enjoyed chatting, laughter etc but felt no romantic chemistry at all. 

Did he mention getting together again?   

 

I think we had chemistry, at least from my point of view, as I mentioned there was some flirting and he touched me too.

I think he did mention it during those 5 hours. He didn't mention anything about meeting up tomorrow so far.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I think we had chemistry, at least from my point of view, as I mentioned there was some flirting and he touched me too.

I think he did mention it during those 5 hours. He didn't mention anything about meeting up tomorrow so far.

Why should he -this wasn't supposed to be a date and tomorrow is .... really soon! Since you didn't suggest an alternative plan why not do so now -in advance where you travel to him or closer to him if that is possible.

[kim42]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right so you're allowed to hedge but then he's supposed to wait for you to confirm last minute.  I would have said no because I was interested -meaning if I were in his shoes -it woul have been too much too soon as well as a last minute invitation -an after thought.  But I would have agreed to a plan made in advance - when he said it was too much for tonight did you suggest an alternative?

I'm glad you're coming around to a different point of view.

I didn't suggest an alternative - I think it's his turn now to make plans tomorrow, if he wants to see me again, since he rejected my evening plans.

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why should he -this wasn't supposed to be a date and tomorrow is .... really soon! Since you didn't suggest an alternative plan why not do so now -in advance where you travel to him or closer to him if that is possible.

I'm not sure if I feel comfortable suggesting plans for tomorrow, I think the ball is in his court now.