What’s next?

[Sindy_0311]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you think she's in inviting you this weekend with family around so she can get feedback?  It does sound like she's already getting negative feedback from her people. They may think she's being taken advantage of financially?

Not that she needs their approval, but she is probably second guessing your compatibly as well especially after you shut her down after asking about your hair with the veiled breakup threat

Look, If I’m second guessing compatibility with someone, I wait until I’m sure about him before presenting him to my family. Why would she introduce him if she isn’t even sure herself about it. Makes no sense. I don’t need any off my family members to tell me what I already know. When I introduced my ex husband to my family, they just integrated him, being kind and welcoming. A few years later, when I talked about the possibility of a divorce they told me what they thought about him because I asked them too. But they respected my choice to marry this man, and treated him like a member of the family. 
 

 

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I suppose she wonders if your symbolic bohemian image is more important than the relationship in your mind and your hair is more important than trying to blend lives.

Of course it’s more important. Would you ask to a hippie to dress more conservative? He would never accept because our looks is part of what we are, the community we belong to and the lifestyle we have. In a sense it who we are. (Even more when you are past 60, not talking about a young 16 years old adult still trying to find himself) 
Now for the question of blending lives, I deeply think there as too many issues for this not to work. And the hair question is just a detail among many others, but it’s revealing… 

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

I have to say I understand not wanting to answer to anyone . If my husband passed away before me which isn’t likely I would never have another romantic relationship again, ever. Not because I haven’t enjoyed this one, I have, immensely. It is more because I would want a chance to be an individual. I have been with my husband since I was 22 and I was still at home . 

I completely got what she was saying as well, but it was definitely contrasting to her behavior, which is that she wanted to go gung ho moving forward. Probably because she thought that was one of the few people she hasn’t met that she thought seems to “get” her.  Her opinion of that might be changing, though, now she is noticing things that are different that are making us bump up against each other a bit.
 

Do you feel that you and your husband have things like these that make you bump up against each other a bit?

[Whirling D]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Look, If I’m second guessing compatibility with someone, I wait until I’m sure about him before presenting him to my family. Why would she introduce him if she isn’t even sure herself about it. Makes no sense. I don’t need any off my family members to tell me what I already know. When I introduced my ex husband to my family, they just integrated him, being kind and welcoming. A few years later, when I talked about the possibility of a divorce they told me what they thought about him because I asked them too. But they respected my choice to marry this man, and treated him like a member of the family. 
 

 

Of course it’s more important. Would you ask to a hippie to dress more conservative? He would never accept because our looks is part of what we are, the community we belong to and the lifestyle we have. In a sense it who we are. (Even more when you are past 60, not talking about a young 16 years old adult still trying to find himself) 
Now for the question of blending lives, I deeply think there as too many issues for this not to work. And the hair question is just a detail among many others, but it’s revealing… 

I might agree with what you were saying about too many issues for it not to work, if it wasn’t for the fact that, after each one of these conversations, she went ahead and said “well, I don’t really think these things are all that important, and it’s way more important that we were able to talk about these things and try to come up with solutions”. I do believe that.

So, I’m only really telling you one side of the story. She may not think these things are any kind of big deal, and there is a chance that I’m conveying them as maybe they were a bigger deal to her. Only She  could tell you how big of a deal they are.

[Sindy_0311]

7 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I might agree with what you were saying about too many issues for it not to work, if it wasn’t for the fact that, after each one of these conversations, she went ahead and said “well, I don’t really think these things are all that important, and it’s way more important that we were able to talk about these things and try to come up with solutions”. I do believe that.

So, I’m only really telling you one side of the story. She may not think these things are any kind of big deal, and there is a chance that I’m conveying them as maybe they were a bigger deal to her. Only She  could tell you how big of a deal they are.

What I understand from what you say here is that the ball is in her court. You seem to have real incompatibilities but  you let her decide whether she wants to pursue or not. It seems like you consider that YOU are incompatible to her, and not contrary… why is that? 
I don’t mean to be harsh, but honestly, is it because you consider yourself lower value? 

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I have plenty of autonomy, cat. I have every day of the week off, up until about 2 PM… And I do my activities. I go out for coffee in the morning a lot. This time of year I go out to farms and pick berries. Might go to the supermarket. Definitely have a lot to do around the house.
 

She doesn’t sit still either when she has time off. That’s part of her problem. She doesn’t have a lot of time off that is not taken up with something else. She has a lot of people interested in seeing her, and she has a mother that is almost 90 that she pretty much cares for on her own. Neither her brother or sister live anywhere nearby, so whenever her mother needs to go somewhere, she pretty much Has to call the doctor lady.  and she lives an hour away. 

It’s always hard for me to imagine how the doctor lady functions under such conditions. That’s why I’m trying to give her some space to self regulate. She needs it.

Autonomy isn’t just about how we spend our time, there are emotional and mental components to it that we focus on enjoyment or on insecurity.

When you can embrace time apart and out of contact with enjoyment of autonomy, then that speaks of health. When you spend time apart analyzing every blip for a temperature reading of the relationship, that’s not autonomy, it’s insecurity. That’s the stuff of exhaustion and sabotage.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

 Her opinion of that might be changing, though, now she is noticing things that are different that are making us bump up against each other a bit.

That's true at 10 weeks in, you're both sort of still trying each other on for the fit.

Of course you should just be yourself. Maybe it's not so much that your hair style is not as staid as most of her people. Perhaps she thinks you're stuck in the past?  Or look a bit too disheveled, and could clean it up a bit without losing the rock--roll vibe? Long hair is not unique, and done well it can look fine.

Or perhaps it's that you keep talking about it and making a humongous bruhaha  out of it for the purposes of debating? If it's not a big deal for her or you, you'll probably be fine. 

[Seraphim]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I completely got what she was saying as well, but it was definitely contrasting to her behavior, which is that she wanted to go gung ho moving forward. Probably because she thought that was one of the few people she hasn’t met that she thought seems to “get” her.  Her opinion of that might be changing, though, now she is noticing things that are different that are making us bump up against each other a bit.
 

Do you feel that you and your husband have things like these that make you bump up against each other a bit?

Bumping up against each other happens in every kind of relationship. It used to upset me but I realize it doesn’t mean anything other than a difference of opinion and doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong , just different and the relationship is stable and happy we are just different people and that is ok. 
 

For instance we have been on holiday for two weeks and the first week we did stuff he liked which I consider a snore fest but I do it because he loves it and wants me there. Now the second week we are doing things we both love . 

[catfeeder]

22 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Bumping up against each other happens in every kind of relationship. It used to upset me but I realize it doesn’t mean anything other than a difference of opinion and doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong , just different and the relationship is stable and happy we are just different people and that is ok. 
 

For instance we have been on holiday for two weeks and the first week we did stuff he liked which I consider a snore fest but I do it because he loves it and wants me there. Now the second week we are doing things we both love . 

Right! And it wouldn’t occur to either of you to raise over each disagreement that maybe this means we’re not a good fit.

When the goal is to build comfort with one another in secure companionship and occasional compromise out of love rather than resentment, the topic of parting over differences is nowhere near the table, much less raised.

Whirl, you might confuse such a thing as being an expression of ‘truth’ but it’s not. It’s a manipulative tactic that uses whatever truth you believe lies behind it as a weapon to pummel a threat of running away as your defense against a criticism.

Wherever you can envision a possible solution or compromise, voice that—and leave it there without throwing in the caveat that acceptance of my way is the only way to move forward, otherwise, it could mean that we just aren’t a fit.

Your overall ‘truth’ has been an enjoyment of this woman and growing feelings for her. The occasional blips of disagreement are the stuff that healthy couples navigate every day without turning them into conflict bombs that must represent a challenge to accept or bail.

No relationship can survive that mentality from either partner. So instead of viewing it through a lens of “I must win or I forfeit my truth…” try out a lens that says, “If the relationship wins by tabling this, we can revisit it down the road—and a resolution could present itself in the meantime…”

Allow your future self to be smarter than your present self.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Right! And it wouldn’t occur to either of you to raise over each disagreement that maybe this means we’re not a good fit.

When the goal is to build comfort with one another in secure companionship and occasional compromise out of love rather than resentment, the topic of parting over differences is nowhere near the table, much less raised.

Whirl, you might confuse such a thing as being an expression of ‘truth’ but it’s not. It’s a manipulative tactic that uses whatever truth you believe lies behind it as a weapon to pummel a threat of running away as your defense against a criticism.

Wherever you can envision a possible solution or compromise, voice that—and leave it there without throwing in the caveat that acceptance of my way is the only way to move forward, otherwise, it could mean that we just aren’t a fit.

Your overall ‘truth’ has been an enjoyment of this woman and growing feelings for her. The occasional blips of disagreement are the stuff that healthy couples navigate every day without turning them into conflict bombs that must represent a challenge to accept or bail.

No relationship can survive that mentality from either partner. So instead of viewing it through a lens of “I must win or I forfeit my truth…” try out a lens that says, “If the relationship wins by tabling this, we can revisit it down the road—and a resolution could present itself in the meantime…”

Allow your future self to be smarter than your present self.

Agree but isn't SHE doing the same (threatening to leave) said and done in a more passive but no less insidious way, telling Whirling in response to certain incompatibilities "if you want to be with me, you're just gonna have to suck it up"?

They're both being manipulative and controlling imo which is one reason why I think this relationship is all wrong. 

It's ten (10) weeks NOT a long term relationship or marriage.  It's at the observation stage determining if they're a good fit together.

Not the stage where differences are negotiated and resolved through compromise.

[Seraphim]

We also have 34 years of navigating this relationship. Sometimes if he is beaking off about something I just think blah blah blah blah and let him carry on and I am sure he does the same with me. 

[bluecastle]

11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

"if you want to be with me, you're just gonna have to suck it up"?

For whatever it's worth, I kind of took this to be a joking, self-effacing comment, not a veiled threat. Basically her way of saying that, yeah, she can be a bit zealous when it comes to cleaning up and hopes that's not a major buzzkill. Granted, that may just be my own disposition or my sense/fear that Whirling's natural baseline is strewn with eggshells.  

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

For whatever it's worth, I kind of took this to be a joking, self-effacing comment, not a veiled threat. Basically her way of saying that, yeah, she can be a bit zealous when it comes to cleaning up and hopes that's not a major buzzkill. Granted, that may just be my own disposition or my sense/fear that Whirling's natural baseline is strewn with eggshells.  

Under any other circumstance, I'd agree with you as I am quite astute at differentiating jokes, teasing and banter from manipulative comments intended to deflate, demean and shut down a conversation.

But here, I read that comment as a manipulative and entitled "my way or the highway" disguised as a joke.

Just my sense from reading everything Whirling has shared about her, her attitude, other comments made and their relationship.

Just not that one isolated  comment.

I could be wrong.

 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

 I kind of took this to be a joking, self-effacing comment, not a veiled threat. Basically her way of saying that, yeah, she can be a bit zealous when it comes to cleaning up and hopes that's not a major buzzkill. 

I agree with this. If someone is going to be a guest in her homes all the time (because he can't afford hotels or taking her out) and clean up is part of the deal, then you just get up and start helping.

You don't put your feet up and tell someone they're too germophobic, relax or get a cleaning service. 

Even Airbnb  hosts expect people to clean up these days and that's people who Pay to stay in fancy beach houses.  She's merely being considerate to her other family members by not leaving a mess behind after she entertains the hosts people for the weekend.  And yes the comments seem sort of in jest.

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I agree with this. If someone is going to be a guest in her homes all the time (because he can't afford hotels or taking her out) and clean up is part of the deal, then you just get up and start helping.

You don't put your feet up and tell someone they're too germophobic, relax or get a cleaning service. 

Even Airbnb  hosts expect people to clean up these days and that's people who Pay to stay in fancy beach houses.  She's merely being considerate to her other family members by not leaving a mess behind after she entertains the hosts people for the weekend.  And yes the comments seem sort of in jest.

Gotta admit I am a bit surprised @Wiseman2as whenever a woman has posted about sarcastic jokey type comments her boyfriend made that she felt knocked down by, that even I took as being said in jest, you've responded that such "jokes" are not jokes at all, they're controlling and manipulative (paraphrasing) intended to knock down and shut down.  

But nevertheless respect the opinion and Blue Castles, just surprised by it tis all. 

[Whirling D]

31 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

For whatever it's worth, I kind of took this to be a joking, self-effacing comment, not a veiled threat. Basically her way of saying that, yeah, she can be a bit zealous when it comes to cleaning up and hopes that's not a major buzzkill. Granted, that may just be my own disposition or my sense/fear that Whirling's natural baseline is strewn with eggshells.  

Well, we know that my own disposition and natural baseline is strewn with eggshells… 🙂
 

But yes, I think she was just joking with me in the way you are saying. However, often there is a kernel of truth behind every joke, and as you point out, it depends on which way you wanna look at it. I kind of knew what she was saying, and that is that she can be difficult. I don’t think it was presented really as an ultimatum. Kind of. Sort of. Well, I guess I’ll have to get used to it kind of thing… 🙂

As for the others’ comments… I think 10 weeks is about the point where you start to determine whether the differences we are encountering are deal breakers or not. I get it that some of you think that it was manipulative on my part to say what I said, during the hair conversation, and there’s probably some truth to that… But in many ways, I felt I said that in a moment of clarity… I was basically saying to her… There are three things now that have been brought up recently that she has concerns with. When is it that we have to make a decision as to whether those three things are going to be dealbreakers? That’s pretty much more or less what I said. To me it’s the truth. Do I really want to be with someone that has a list of things that are red flags to them? I had/have to think about that. She was not saying they are deal breakers, but one way, or the other,  it was heartbreaking to hear all three of those things. I could never point out two of the three things to somebody I have known for 10 weeks. It does feel kind of controlling to me. Maybe that’s part of what was getting at me in that moment of clarity as well… “Well, you either can deal with who I am just as the person sitting across from you, or you can’t. you’re going to have to decide what you want to do”. Yes, that’s manipulative, but it’s also standing up for my self respect. In some ways, I felt disrespected. More than once. I know she doesn’t mean to do it in a blatant way , and I suspect it comes from her background, and her cultural upbringing… “Things are supposed to be this way… And this way…”.  
 

In the end, she backed down, which tells me that she respected my perspective on it, and maybe even envied the fact that I stood up for myself, the way I did. It’s a value thing. She values people that don’t make waves for her, and I don’t care about that stuff. I don’t care to make waves for anybody, but if somebody’s gonna feel that I am making waves, I don’t think that’s my problem. She kind of made it her problem by saying the things that she said. This was way more about her than it ever was me. So I had to kind of stand up for myself. And basically say, if you’re really having a hard time with these three things, then maybe we need to figure out whether this is the right fit, and whether I can fit in your life.

I don’t feel that I can’t fit into her life. I sometimes wonder if I could, but I generally come around to believe that I probably could.  I’ve always felt that it’s more likely that she won’t feel that I fit into her life.  The religion, and the lifestyle, and then the hair conversations, all made me wonder if she has what’s needed to accept somebody different into her world.
To me, it’s pretty simple. Either she thinks she can, or she can’t. I’m not sure any amount of time is going to clarify that for her.

So, I do get the thought that there was a bit of manipulation there, but I think it depends on how you look at it. I laid the cards out on the table for her to see. I have always given her every reason to believe that I would be flexible in almost every situation, thus far… and the religion, the house and the hair are no different. If she can’t come to terms with what she knows of me already, then it’s time for me to put my cards on the table and ask her to ante up or fold.  
 

I hope she anteesup, and does not fold, and I have a feeling she’s not going anywhere anytime soon… But a week like this when her demeanor starts to change after we spent the weekend together, only tells me one of two things… Either she’s been thinking about these difficult conversations, and it is making things hard for her, or I’m just starting to see more of her baseline. Either way, it’s not a great look for her. 

Don’t get me wrong, neither of them would likely be complete deal breakers for me, but they definitely give me cause for pause.  And they definitely raise my anxiety and insecurity levels. I don’t think that’s hugely unpredictable. 

[Seraphim]

Look at it this way , your no cross line is your hair and hers is a clean house . Is anyone wrong ? Nope. Again different people and difference of opinion. 
 

Both my husband and I like a clean house but our opinion of “ clean” is different. 😉 I like a decorated house and he doesn’t like “ froufrou “ as he says are you expecting the Pope or the Queen. I roll my eyes and carry on. 
 

I am a powerful and concentrated personality and he is ADHD and scattered here there and everywhere and wants “ variety “ and again I roll my eyes because “ variety “ stresses me but we muddle our way through . 

[rainbowsandroses]

53 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

But yes, I think she was just joking with me in the way you are saying. However, often there is a kernel of truth behind every joke, and as you point out, it depends on which way you wanna look at it. I kind of knew what she was saying, and that is that she can be difficult. I don’t think it was presented really as an ultimatum. Kind of. Sort of. Well, I guess I’ll have to get used to it kind of thing. 

Yes of course there was a ring of truth to it even though presented as a joke, that's been my personal take all along. 

Second bolded, what's the meaning behind those words? 

Get used to it otherwise we will never work.  My way or the highway.  Not a direct ultimatum but no less harmful. 

Doesn't matter the context, it was a crappy thing to say, and reflects inflexibility and a sense of entitlement imho. 

Switching the roles, if my new boyfriend of 10 weeks was a complete slob and told me to "suck it up" in response to my mentioning it (which I never would, I observe and quietly leave the relationship if not suited to my personal standards during the observation stage), I'd feel the same. 

And I enjoy being teased and jokey banter!

But that's not what that was unless he winked, smiled and followed up by giving me at Ieast some indication he was teasing. 

[Wiseman2]

It's harder when people are set in their ways and both have a "take me as I am" stance because there's really no room to evolve or grow into each other.

Of course you need to be who you are and she probably is questioning the wisdom of dating someone with so many incompatibilities and discrepancies in finances, hygiene and philosophies, just as you're questioning it. 

I suppose if hair styles and clean dishes are the hill you both want to die on, there's going to be some disappoints along the way.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree but isn't SHE doing the same (threatening to leave) said and done in a more passive but no less insidious way, telling Whirling in response to certain incompatibilities "if you want to be with me, you're just gonna have to suck it up"?

They're both being manipulative and controlling imo which is one reason why I think this relationship is all wrong. 

It's ten (10) weeks NOT a long term relationship or marriage.  It's at the observation stage determining if they're a good fit together.

Not the stage where differences are negotiated and resolved through compromise.

I hear, and I can appreciate that you read the comments that way. Since we weren’t there, and we don’t have access to this woman, I’m fine with viewing her through the OP’s lens of liking her, and I’m willing to read her comments as self-deprecating disclosures that revealed self awareness of her own hangups.

That’s why I’m not saying that either position is ‘wrong,’ only that we each get to choose which hill we’ll want an otherwise happy relationship to die on.

So it makes no sense to stand on that hill to declare it as a dealbreaker only to fear later that the person just might take you up on that declaration while you’re left wondering whether a shift in enthusiasm is the result of that challenge.

When the goal is to be understood, that’s fine, but if the message is ten times the ferocity and with an ultimatum attached, then yes, that brings with it the very possibility feared the most—a backfire.

So why not skip that degree of challenge over stuff that can be better negotiated with time, practice and earned confidence in the durability of the relationship?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

 If she can’t come to terms with what she knows of me already, then it’s time for me to put my cards on the table and ask her to ante up or fold.  

That's true. It's doubtful she's going to become a flower child or you're going to become Mr Clean.  So far it seems like you're both trying to understand each other. Which is fine. She seems a bit more forthcoming about her likes, tastes and opinions as well as trying to explain her own foibles.

Unfortunately you have an intense distain for her upper middle class value system. So maybe enjoying her hospitality and fruits of her labor isn't the best idea for you, if you want to keep the power struggle on a more even keel.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you have an intense distain for her upper middle class value system. So maybe enjoying her hospitality and fruits of her labor isn't the best idea for you, if you want to keep the power struggle on a more even keel.

I don't know she has that -because it seems like she's earned her own $ and achieved success all on her own - and I'm not even sure what that "value system" would be since people who have a lot of $ might have earned it/inherited it/earned it in nefarious ways so the values would vary I would think

I think her values are  -strong work ethic, being productive whether by working/cleaning/both, independence - financial and otherwise, desiring to conform (from what the OP describes), and leading an orderly, organized life.

[Whirling D]

well, I just spoke with her for a little while, and I shake my head at what I suspect I concoct in my own head.

She seems to becoming with me someone who is not necessarily warm and fuzzy. She seemed happy as usual to hear from me, and although I had just come from a couple of hours of terrible conflict with my kid, she didn’t seem all that interested in making me feel better from it. No memorable words of consolation or empathy. That just could be my interpretation of it, though, but she didn’t really seem that interested.  On the other hand, I told her I didn’t call her to tell her all about that stuff, so I tried not to involve her and mom was going on.
 

She seemed kind of happy to hear from me. Smiling. Laughed at one of my stories… She just doesn’t seem that invested any longer. Doesn’t seem like she’s really trying to connect. It’s almost as if we are roommates or something. Like she could take me or leave me.

Maybe that is her being in a stable place with us? I couldn’t say. I could see how that would be the case if we’ve known each other for years, but we’re still trying to get to know each other, and she still has this sense that she’s fine whether she hears from me and she’s fine if she doesn’t. Maybe that’s healthy? 

 I think I create things in my head based on fears I get or anxiety that I feel… I.e., I haven’t spoken with her much over the last few days, and a lot of the lovey-dovey language has tapered down to almost nothing, and she sometimes she will read my texts during the day and just never respond. yes, when I talked with her, she still seems marginally glad to hear from me, and when we finished tonight, she said “maybe I’ll speak to you in the morning on my ride to work, if you are up at that time”. She knows I will call her in the morning. I have for the last several weeks. 

I really wanted to say to her, “are we in a good place? Are you struggling with anything related to us?  But I refrained from doing that, because she seemed so stable, and in a reasonably good place. 

I have to wonder if this is her baseline… She knows I’m not going anywhere, she doesn’t have to be thinking that I’m going anywhere, so as far as she’s concerned, everything is fine. Me on the other hand, I have no idea what to think, or to expect, and there’s a good chance I’ve created all this doubt in my head. I can’t really say. 
 

Maybe what I’m experiencing is just a simple, normal relationship, but I’m so hyper sensitive from past experiences that I can’t even acknowledge that things are going reasonably well, and as expected, despite all the things I’ve been talking about for the last few days.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

But we’re still trying to get to know each other, and she still has this sense that she’s fine whether she hears from me and she’s fine if she doesn’t. Maybe that’s healthy? 

Whirling tbh I don't even know what "normal" and "healthy" look like anymore.  I think that gets defined by the two people involved. 

Perhaps another man might be OK with her cold demeanor, not responding to messages, having a "take it or leave it" and overall distant attitude and that's fine. 

What's important is YOU are not okay with it which is all that matters.

Please again, stop trying to sweep this under the carpet and make this OK when it's clearly not ok, NOT for you.

Fwiw, it would not be okay for me either and I do not have an avoidant personality nor am I an overly anxious, insecure person. 

Do what's best and right for YOU.  Trust in your ability to perceive situations and people correctly and stop doubting yourself. 

Take care of YOU. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

, she didn’t seem all that interested in making me feel better from it. No memorable words of consolation or empathy. 

She probably was trying to be diplomatic and just listen rather than say anything given that she saw you and your daughter first hand and the cursing and screaming she overheard. So she's probably a bit gun shy after that to say anything to you.

She may also not want to infantilize or coddle you and play doctor.

That fact that she just listened without commentary is a great sign of empathy. So it's  probably just another cultural misunderstanding. Or more things wrong with her as the collection of complaints you have keeps growing.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

She just doesn’t seem that invested any longer. Doesn’t seem like she’s really trying to connect. It’s almost as if we are roommates or something. Like she could take me or leave me.

Did you feel as you were talking, she was really "hearing" you? Understanding you, empathizing and connecting with what you were saying? 

Sometimes, people can go through the motions of listening when the reality is they didn't actually hear one word you said, they were off in their own world with their own thoughts.

Again, trust in your ability to perceive situations and people correctly. 

You're a grown man, you've been married, you are a father, you know the difference between a woman who cares, who is interested and invested and one who is not.

Again, trust yourself, you don't need anyone else's opinion on this or their approval. 

You are the one dating her after all. 

Make your decision based on that Whirling. 

All the best.