What’s next?

[Type O Negative]

'I was tired, and cranky, and groggy, and hugely stressed out all the time. Saturdays, my wife would hit the ground running asking what we were going to do all day, and I could barely function for half the day because I was coming down from being completely wiped out and exhausted all the time. then, on Sunday, I had to psychologically regroup because I was stressed out about the thought of having to do it all over again. Is that something that I would want for myself in my aging years? I don’t. I don’t want that for myself. I value the time I have on this earth enough to know that’s not what I want. Part of me thinks I would rather be poor and partially depressed than living like that.'

👏👏👏👏👏

You and me both mate, you and me both. Very similar situation here. Absolutely understand and agree. We're all of us going to go no matter what our job title is or what house and car we own. I don't give a **** about possessions, status, careers, ownership of things. I'm going to enjoy what's left of my life.

 

[Whirling D]

21 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

'I was tired, and cranky, and groggy, and hugely stressed out all the time. Saturdays, my wife would hit the ground running asking what we were going to do all day, and I could barely function for half the day because I was coming down from being completely wiped out and exhausted all the time. then, on Sunday, I had to psychologically regroup because I was stressed out about the thought of having to do it all over again. Is that something that I would want for myself in my aging years? I don’t. I don’t want that for myself. I value the time I have on this earth enough to know that’s not what I want. Part of me thinks I would rather be poor and partially depressed than living like that.'

👏👏👏👏👏

You and me both mate, you and me both. Very similar situation here. Absolutely understand and agree. We're all of us going to go no matter what our job title is or what house and car we own. I don't give a **** about possessions, status, careers, ownership of things. I'm going to enjoy what's left of my life.

 

Thanks, O.  Nice to hear from you! Hope all is well for you over there on the other side of the pond… 🙂

I’m really surprised that there are many that scoff at this mindset as being a “poor work ethic” or lazy, or whatever. I think we’ve been culturally conditioned to think that we have to be moving at all times, and have to be achieving and acquiring things to be successful.

Where did that get me? Divorced, poor and unhappy.  All of the income, status, and possessions in the world is probably not going to change my level of happiness. I had a great career for quite a while, arguably, and our income was pretty decent. Didn’t make me any more or less happy. In many ways, despite what I say on here, I’ve been much less stressed out, and consequently happier, since I’ve been barely employed. I feel much more in control of my environment. 
 

The hard part is not having as many connections. My self-esteem was shot from my previous experiences, so it’s hard for me to reach out to friends and family, and that’s what I will likely need to change the most.

Dr. lady has all of those things… Wealth/status/possessions, and she guards them with her life… But if I was to ask her, she would say that she is lonely and unhappy. I feel it in her vibe, as well. She has a happy soul, and she has plenty of people around her, but for the most part, she is lonely, and often gets depressed. That is likely because of the stress and anxiety that comes from the cultural expectation that she achieves something, and continues with the way of life that she is experiencing. But it would cost to her mental health and her happiness? 

I think I am a bit of a conundrum to her. She sees me able to do things that I think she wishes that she could do… I have mornings off, and I can sleep in if I want to. I don’t present to her as being stressed out all the time, even though I do my share. I think I’ve hidden it from her somewhat. I think she thinks that I am relatively carefree and happy, which is far from the truth, but I think I’m way more that way now that I am barely employed. I call myself semi employed, and semi retired.…  that may have to change because my savings are going down, but that’s another story.

So, I don’t think she has yet been able to wrap her head around what she thinks of my situation. I think she respects my choices, but she is up against the social pressures that say you need to be with someone who is financially secure, etc. There may be valid reasons for that, but there are equally as many valid reasons to choose what I do. 

As Bon Jovi sang… 🎶 it’s my life… It’s now or never… I ain’t going to live forever… I just wanna live while I’m alive… Life is like an open highway… Like Frankie said ‘I did it my way’… I just wanna live while I’m alive… It’s. My. Life.🎶

Touché 😂

[Whirling D]

Another conversation that her and I had this past weekend, just popped into my head…
 

She said that next weekend family members would be up at the beach house, and she would like for me to come up there to meet them… And then she also revealed to me that their opinion of me will matter a lot to her, because they picked up on things about her exes that she was not able to (she gave specifics), and they were the things that eventually let her to leaving those people.

I told her that made me less interested in coming up there, although, although I said, I absolutely will join her, because I don’t want to be scrutinized like that. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable to be judged by others like that, and that she’s a smart woman, and should be able to fairly easily tell from what she knows about me, what I’m all about and whether or not she’s missing anything. She told me that she did not pick up on the things that her family members were saying until much later on when it became problematic…  I’ve always told her that I’m pretty much what you see is what you get. I guess that could be arguable. I’ve always been upfront with her I think. 

I probably shouldn’t have tried to make her think that asking her family members what they thought of me would not be useful. I guess I kind of regret saying that. I may walk that back when I see her next. If we start talking about it. I wonder if she has even given that conversation another thought? I’ll bet there’s a good chance she hasn’t.

[Batya33]

I don’t think you have a poor work ethic or that you’re lazy. Part of my enjoyment of life is my career - these days it’s not the $ as reentry to the work force as a 50 year old mom of a young child meant huge cut in pay/level/ hours. The pandemic would have been MUCH harder on my mental health if I hadn’t had my work. It keeps my brain alert and alive, I am blessed to work with good people who also care about contributing - and I don’t mind making a bit of $ particularly since we switched over to private school as of this past year which wa partly pandemic related. And college is on the horizon !

I really can’t stand the “shoulds” notion of what self care or relaxing means. I find reading a good novel relaxing and I find scrubbing a floor as a way to get out negative energy. I like yoga but haven’t chosen to make time for it.
You couldn’t pay me to take the time out now for a massage or facial but I don’t skip a daily work out unless I’m really sick. Because in part its for my mental health. I hate this notion that people who work hard at a career are presumably workaholics or don’t know how to have fun.  I finally got back to volunteering with our local NPR station a few weeks ago and met people I’d never have really interacted with - hip hop performers and senior citizens dedicated to public radio and producers of my favorite radio shows.

And I worked hard for my shift - including carrying a huge chair all at bigger than me outside in the heat so a donor could have a place to sit to watch the outdoors performances.  Is that fun to you ? Likely not. But it was rewarding to me and I’m glad I could pitch in a bit and do my part in a minor way. That’s positive energy for me. And I’m really tired of all the judgment of people who roll up their sleeves and work and also get joy out of material possessions.  

I love paying a bit more for ground coffee, love soft throw blankets, love Starbucks breakfast sandwiches that obviously I could make myself - a few times a week and love paying a bit more for a hotel that has a 24 7 fitness center.
 

It’s all about balance to me and not labeling everyone who works part time as lazy or everyone who loves their crazy work schedule as a workaholic. It’s really tiring and boring after awhile particularly the implied bragging about minimalism etc. Can’t we all just get along ? 

[Wiseman2]

She's going to talk to her people about you one way or the other. It's just the way it goes. However it's odd she sort of put it out there this way. Almost like she's afraid she's missing red flags others may be more objective about. 

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

And then she also revealed to me that their opinion of me will matter a lot to her, because they picked up on things about her exes that she was not able to (she gave specifics), and they were the things that eventually let her to leaving those people.

OMG… again, I would never tell that to a man I’m dating… of course we seek opinions from fiends or family. But really? What a kind way to make you feel uneasy already about meeting the family… 

[Whirling D]

She just mentioned it in casual conversation, and I don’t think it was meant to be anything much deeper than that.  It didn’t really feel like she was giving me a major warning of any sort, really.  Maybe that’s what it was, I can’t tell.

Also, I think she doubts her own judgment. She stayed with two guys that turned out to be not good fits, and I’ve asked her why she did that numerous times, and she doesn’t really know why she stayed with them for so long, despite her being chronically unhappy, and disconnected. I suppose she must’ve felt connected to them at one point.

I think she’s a bit paranoid about making the same mistakes again. That in itself can be a bit problematic, because, at least from my own perspective, it can lead someone looking for problems. I do that all the time because I’m afraid of making stupid mistakes.

I think she’s just trying to be cautious, and I also think she may have a sneaking feeling that her and I may be too good to be true. She may be right, but for perhaps different reasons. We’ve talked about all those on here, so you’ll likely know what I mean.

I do think it was a rough thing for her to say, given she knows that I am pretty sensitive about being judged for being different. I think I may have said that to her. I told her I wasn’t crazy about being scrutinized like that, because it makes me feel overly sensitized.  Upon saying that to her, I think I felt like I was sticking up for myself, and demanding a little more respect than that. That’s what I did with the hair conversation, as well. I got the sense she respected that I stood up for myself, like that… Not sure she liked it, but I think she respected it.

The conversation didn’t really go much further. I don’t remember if I made it clear that I would be there for her one way or the other, despite the feeling of being observed, and judged by her family. I can handle that.

It might’ve been a little bit of a test, as well, to see if I would crack under pressure. I kind of did crack a bit when I told her it made me less interested in coming up that weekend, but I believe I told her I would one way, or the other, and I wouldn’t let the scrutiny deter me.  It was a very brief conversation, so I don’t remember the details all that well.
 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

OMG… again, I would never tell that to a man I’m dating… of course we seek opinions from fiends or family. But really? What a kind way to make you feel uneasy already about meeting the family… 

Par for the course for her it would appear. 

Here, with that comment, she's either setting the stage to end things and using her family, at least in part, to justify her decision OR...

She is socially unaware and inept.  I dated a doctor a few years ago and he was the same. 

Great guy, an ER doctor, but lacked emotion and the ability to socially interact with any awareness of how their words/behavior affect other people either within the context of a relationship or in society with others. 

I'm speaking generally, I have no doubt there are many doctors who can function using both the cerebral and emotional sides of their brain.

She's not one of them.

Lord, she is 61 years old, and still needs her family's approval?  Good gawd.

There is a saying Whirling - prepare for the worst, hope for the best. 

I'm just one person, but I'm not envisioning good things here, sorry.

PS  No need to respond Whirling, just something to keep in mind and consider versus rationalizing, justifying and sweeping under the carpet. 

The latter of which is called denial..

 

 

[Batya33]

It’s not because she’s a doctor. It’s not because she makes $$ and it’s not because she has advanced degrees. It’s because she is an individual who chooses to be blunt and say thoughtless things when she interacts with you. Who knows how she is is to others and or to what degree. 

I ended up introducing men I was dating to my family often earlier than typical and often because of logistics.  A casual family event, my parents were going to be in the city which was only 9 miles from where I grew up and or they had extra tickets to some performance in town and did we want to go with them. No pressure or formality and my parents are genuine and nice and thoughtful.  And not judgmental.

 Typically the men I dated expressed some even lighthearted hesitancy as I did in the reverse but I’d never have told them I cared about my mom’s opinion.  I did. A lot.

My mom is a great read of character and a very positive person and so if she got a bad vibe or had concerns I took them to heart. She mostly liked my dates a great deal. But yes I cared about her and my sister’s input. And no I’d never have told that to a man I was dating. For - obvious reasons!!!

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not because she’s a doctor. It’s not because she makes $$ and it’s not because she has advanced degrees. It’s because she is an individual who chooses to be blunt and say thoughtless things when she interacts with you. Who knows how she is is to others and or to what degree. 

I ended up introducing men I was dating to my family often earlier than typical and often because of logistics.  A casual family event, my parents were going to be in the city which was only 9 miles from where I grew up and or they had extra tickets to some performance in town and did we want to go with them. No pressure or formality and my parents are genuine and nice and thoughtful.  And not judgmental.

 Typically the men I dated expressed some even lighthearted hesitancy as I did in the reverse but I’d never have told them I cared about my mom’s opinion.  I did. A lot.

My mom is a great read of character and a very positive person and so if she got a bad vibe or had concerns I took them to heart. She mostly liked my dates a great deal. But yes I cared about her and my sister’s input. And no I’d never have told that to a man I was dating. For - obvious reasons!!!

Agree Batya and certainly her thoughtlessness and ineptness is not because she's a doctor. 

Yes I dated a doctor who was the same, heck my own doctors lack thoughtfulness and tact in how they present information to me.  

It's just who they are as individuals although I have read that generally speaking, doctors, scientists and the like tend to be more cerebral than emotional but that's neither here nor there. 

Hope this gets in before the thread deletion, wish you the best Whirling. 

 

[Jaunty]

On 7/7/2023 at 7:03 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the only negative thing she said? At least she was honest and while it seems blunt, it's good to know what she thinks about your lifestyle.

It's basically the same dynamic that goes on here on this forum.  Ask for opinions and then get angry and defensive, and even resort to casting aspersions on the character of the person asked, when the opinions are not flattering.

OP, seriously I think you'd be better off not asking for opinions and just going off of the experience you are having.  If it seemed like she was enjoying herself, why not just run with that?

[bluecastle]

It's hard for me, from these seats, to get a solid enough sense of these exchanges to say much. Is the doctor blunt and tone deaf? Or is Whirling hyper sensitive to the point that innocuous phrases get twisted into something harsh? It's a coin toss, especially when Whirling himself often comes in with a caveat about how what we read on here is not actually representative of x, y, or z. 

[Whirling D]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It's basically the same dynamic that goes on here on this forum.  Ask for opinions and then get angry and defensive, and even resort to casting aspersions on the character of the person asked, when the opinions are not flattering.

OP, seriously I think you'd be better off not asking for opinions and just going off of the experience you are having.  If it seemed like she was enjoying herself, why not just run with that?

Most of the time, I do a pretty good job of just running with enjoying ourselves. A little bit of the times we talk about serious stuff. Only a little.

I have also gotten stronger at letting things go quickly. But I do think about them more when I have downtime, and that’s what I fear about her… She’ll be thinking about these conversations, and how reasonable some of the things I said to her actually are… Will I be able to fit into her life? That’s really more for her to figure out, but she hasn’t made it easy with these conversations.

Well, she seemed to be enjoying herself, until recently. I’m seeing a whole crap ton of stress and anxiety coming out now. I know that her being with me causes some of that, because it puts pressure on other areas of her life… And ultimately, she’s going to eventually have to make a decision as to whether to stay with me or not. Perhaps this weekend made that abundantly clear. I guess I made that abundantly clear.

also, she has many very endearing and decent qualities, as I have said, over and over, but she does have a little bit of a streak of entitlement… Meaning, she knows she’s worked hard, she knows she is in one of the most respected professions there is, and I think that she believes that along with that comes certain expectations… That her partners meet her rules.

she jokingly said something like that to me this weekend when I was kidding with her about how much work we were doing to keep the place clean… She said something like, “yeah, if you’re gonna be with me, you’re gonna have to suck it up“. Something like that.  I was enjoying helping her keep the place nice over the last several visits, because I enjoy being there with her, and because I valued her wanting me to be there. I’m not sure how sustainable it is for either one of us to be working like that for a good chunk of the time we are down there. As far as I’m concerned, why would I want to go then? I think she was starting to think some of the same.

She may even be conveying that thought to being with me in general… If dating, someone, or dating someone like me, comes with all of the stress and anxiety, and extra cleaning, and extra planning… Is it really worth it?

She did say that after she got out of her last relationship, which was about 15 months ago, she was relieved to not have to answer to anybody and have time on her own to manage her own affairs. It could be that she starting to yearn for that again. 
 

I can only hypothesize. I am still grateful that I know her, and that we are still currently together, and that we are still making plans, last I knew. But it’s been a few days, and who knows what could happen during these few down days, and minds could be changing.  

It won’t be my mind anytime soon. I think most of what I write relates to what I am trying to figure out she might be thinking… Every relationship I’ve had has difficulties in some similar way. You either choose to try to get through them because you believe in the person, and I do believe in her, at least, as much as I know her after 10 weeks, But so far, I would say she is worth it. 
 

 

[Whirling D]

11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

It's hard for me, from these seats, to get a solid enough sense of these exchanges to say much. Is the doctor blunt and tone deaf? Or is Whirling hyper sensitive to the point that innocuous phrases get twisted into something harsh? It's a coin toss, especially when Whirling himself often comes in with a caveat about how what we read on here is not actually representative of x, y, or z. 

I hear you, blue. There’s only so much time in the day to re-create events from every angle. I can only re-create them from my angle. I try to be accurate, but as you say, I could be biased.
 

I tend to think that she may be a bit tone deaf. Not a lot, but according to what I wrote just a few moments ago, she does have certain expectations, which are a bit entitled. My ex-wife was the same way. And even the two girls I’ve dated since had a bit of entitlement. They all had good jobs, and that came with certain expectations for them. It’s not the way I roll, but it was also not a greater part of who they are. Just a small piece. I think I could handle that.
 

But I am also definitely oversensitive, so that is where my problem comes in. She knows I over analyze things, and I think that may make her feel stressed out. Understandably so. I’m getting there. I haven’t done it as much these days. 
 

my biggest overreaction was the hair thing, when I told her that just now makes three different things that she still unclear about… in actuality, she wasn’t really saying she thought it was a make or break situation., she just wondered if I would make adjustments to suit her needs, which to me, seemed like a red flag for her if I wasn’t … And I said, does that bring about the question that we may not just be the right fit? She got a bit testy about that one, saying that I was trying to force these decisions to happen right away. I backed down and said I overreacted, and that’s not what I was expecting. That’s about as far as it went. A few months ago I probably would’ve went further.  A little later she said she was happy with the outcome of that conversation. But was she really?

[Whirling D]

24 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

It's hard for me, from these seats, to get a solid enough sense of these exchanges to say much. Is the doctor blunt and tone deaf? Or is Whirling hyper sensitive to the point that innocuous phrases get twisted into something harsh? It's a coin toss, especially when Whirling himself often comes in with a caveat about how what we read on here is not actually representative of x, y, or z. 

The other thing that is relative, is that that whole hair conversation was a judgment from her. That kind of deserves to be scrutinized.
 

Clearly, everyone has their own preferences about style and life choices, but she was at least thoughtful enough to be able to admit that it made her feel awkward to have to deal with being arm and arm with someone that has an image that is not sometimes seen as… Well… As put together as a professional environment, mate? Think… Homeless people… drug dealers… Down and out rock ‘n’ rollers… 

She even went on to say that she knows she comes from a more conservative environment, and even said that her mother gave her a caveat to watch out for drug use with me, because guys with long hair are often drug users. The doctor lady acknowledged that her mother was way off base, but she knows this is what she is dealing with, and she said she is trying to cut those things off at the pass, and if she could encourage me to present a little differently, under certain circumstances, it would take the pressure off of her to have to feel awkward or defensive if she gets any flack for bringing someone that looks a little weatherworn to a professional gathering. 

It’s hard for me to know what to think about that, and the only thing I could say in return was… “Dr. lady, I can handle just about any crowd, if I need to, and I usually do it with a fair amount of skill… I’d like to think that my partner has the faith in me to be able to go into a situation like that, and handle myself in a way that would make her proud.” 

I don’t really know if that made her feel hugely better, but I ended it by saying I would do whatever was needed to make her comfortable under such circumstances. And I will. I went to my dads funeral, dressed in the first suit I have probably worn in 20 years, and a tie. Don’t know why I felt the need to do that, but I did. Nobody else in the family wore a suit. My mom said I didn’t need to wear a suit. But I did. I didn’t hate it. I didn’t love it. I just thought it was may be respectful, who knows. Didn’t end the world, and wearing a suit to a professional gathering wouldn’t be the worst of things either. 

She did ask me if I’d ever wear a tuxedo. I think I’ve only worn one once in my life 40 years ago. I don’t know where that was going.

this is all for conversation, and just to get some perspective.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

16 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

She jokingly said something like that to me this weekend when I was kidding with her about how much work we were doing to keep the place clean… She said something like, “yeah, if you’re gonna be with me, you’re gonna have to suck it up“.

16 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

She did say that after she got out of her last relationship, which was about 15 months ago, she was relieved to not have to answer to anybody and have time on her own to manage her own affairs. 

Goodness gracious, if these two comments aren't red flags, not sure what are. 

First off, comments like the first are rarely meant as a "joke," and it's important to be aware of that and not sweep it under the carpet. 

Nor is it you being "too sensitive."  Women are often accused of that when their boyfriends make thoughtless insensitive comments disguised as a joke and that is wrong imo. 

it's no different here, just because you're a man receiving these comments.

Pay attention Whirling, continue observing, that's what this very early stage (first three months) is for.

Observing behavior to determine if the person we're dating is the right person, the right fit for us.

If not, wish them well and say goodbye. 

Best to stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. 

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Goodness gracious, if these two comments aren't red flags, not sure what are. 

First off, comments like the first are rarely meant as a "joke," and it's important to be aware of that and not sweep it under the carpet. 

Nor is it you being "too sensitive."  Women are often accused of that when their boyfriends make thoughtless insensitive comments disguised as a joke and that is wrong imo. 

it's no different here, just because you're a man receiving these comments.

Pay attention Whirling, continue observing, that's what this very early stage is for. 

Observing behavior to determine if the person we're dating is the right person, the right fit for us.

Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing, and even why am writing all the stuff on here. Observing and trying to take it all in.
 

I also know people aren’t perfect, and I say stupid stuff as well. I didn’t handle those conversations as well as I would have liked, and I had to go back and summer retract some of the impulsive things that I said as a response to some of those conversations…

She has said many times that she really likes that her and I can talk about stuff and not let it get out of control, and that we can negotiate. I’m a pretty good negotiator, so I’d like to be able to come to conclusions that both parties can live with. She seems to respond favorably to that.

I could probably handle a little bit of entitlement, and a little bit of insensitivity about stupid stuff like that, what I may have a harder time handling is continued, angry anxiety, like I saw, when I first got to her house on Friday, and the compulsion for everything to be perfect. That may not go over well in the long run, and I’m watching that closely.

Thanks for the heads up. They are worthy and appreciated. 🙂 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Agree Batya and certainly her thoughtlessness and ineptness is not because she's a doctor. 

Yes I dated a doctor who was the same, heck my own doctors lack thoughtfulness and tact in how they present information to me.  

It's just who they are as individuals although I have read that generally speaking, doctors, scientists and the like tend to be more cerebral than emotional but that's neither here nor there. 

Hope this gets in before the thread deletion, wish you the best Whirling. 

 

I disagree but I think doctors -and parents- are often the targets of negative stereotypes. I am not a doctor and I know and am related to many.  I know many smart people with emotional intelligence and many people who are a mish mash and favor the cerebral side when wearing a work hat so to speak -generalizations are typically not true I find.

I think her verbal barbs and comments are way over the top.  Ick.

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I disagree but I think doctors -and parents- are often the targets of negative stereotypes.

I'm confused about what you disagree with, can you clarify? 

That they are indivdiuals and their thoughtlessness is not because they are doctors which is what I said? 

I provided an anecdote about my experience dating a doctor and my own doctors, that's all it was.

Agree about the stereotyping which is why I said the general opinion of some about doctors, scientists being more cerebral than emotional was neither here nor there. 

Meaning irrelevant, not important.

Hope that clarifies. 

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What do you disagree with?  That they are indivdiuals and their thoughtlessness is not because they are doctors which is what I said? 

I provided an anecdote about my experience dating a doctor and my own doctors, that's all it was.

Agree about the stereotyping which is why I said the general opinion of some about doctors, scientists being more cerebral than emotional was neither here nor there. 

Meaning irrelevant, not important.

Hope that clarifies. 

 

I don't believe that scientists in general are more cerebral than emotional.  I think that is an inaccurate cliche/stereotype.  I think very often these assumptions are made about people i cerebral professions. I think people can be both, I don't think being intelligent about science like scientists are and using that intellect in work has any relevancy to whether that person has and uses emotional intelligence.  

I don't believe this lady lack emotional/social skills because of her profession.  I think it's just her and might be limited to her sabotaging romantic involvements.

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't believe that scientists in general are more cerebral than emotional.  I think that is an inaccurate cliche/stereotype.

I don't believe this lady lacks emotional/social skills because of her profession.  

OK great, which is what I posted as well. So we actually agree. 

Thanks for clarifying. 

 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

  if she could encourage me to present a little differently, under certain circumstances, it would take the pressure off of her to have to feel awkward or defensive if she gets any flack for bringing someone that looks a little weatherworn to a professional gathering. 

Do you think she's in inviting you this weekend with family around so she can get feedback?  It does sound like she's already getting negative feedback from her people. They may think she's being taken advantage of financially?

Not that she needs their approval, but she is probably second guessing your compatibly as well especially after you shut her down after asking about your hair with the veiled breakup threat.

I suppose she wonders if your symbolic bohemian image is more important than the relationship in your mind and your hair is more important than trying to blend lives.

[Whirling D]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't believe that scientists in general are more cerebral than emotional.  I think that is an inaccurate cliche/stereotype.  I think very often these assumptions are made about people i cerebral professions. I think people can be both, I don't think being intelligent about science like scientists are and using that intellect in work has any relevancy to whether that person has and uses emotional intelligence.  

I don't believe this lady lack emotional/social skills because of her profession.  I think it's just her and might be limited to her sabotaging romantic involvements.

I wondered about that, bat… because if she is an avoidant, attachment style (and I think Eileen a bit in that direction, but I think I am much more anxious attachment), but if she is avoidant, a common characteristic is to find reasons to push people away when things get too thick. I have thought about that.   
 

It’s well known that avoidants tend to self sabotage when things get a little too difficult for them to emotionally manage, because Theory has it, that avoidants tend to reside more in the facts than their emotions… I’m the opposite, I reside more in my emotions, and I’m learning to use the facts to determine strategy and outcomes.

[Seraphim]

I have to say I understand not wanting to answer to anyone . If my husband passed away before me which isn’t likely I would never have another romantic relationship again, ever. Not because I haven’t enjoyed this one, I have, immensely. It is more because I would want a chance to be an individual. I have been with my husband since I was 22 and I was still at home . 

[Whirling D]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you think she's in inviting you this weekend with family around so she can get feedback?  It does sound like she's already getting negative feedback from her people. They may think she's being taken advantage of financially?

Not that she needs their approval, but she is probably second guessing your compatibly as well especially after you shut her down after asking about your hair with the veiled breakup threat.

I suppose she wonders if your symbolic bohemian image is more important than the relationship in your mind and your hair is more important than trying to blend lives.

She may believe a few of those things. During the first hair discussion, she tried to convince me that what I was saying was selfish, and that I wasn’t thinking of other people and how they may respond to me looking differently. That seemed rather shortsighted to me.
 

However, all along, I have been saying to her, that I would do what I needed to make her feel comfortable in that kind of situation, but at one point, I did say that I felt no need to impress anyone else, and if those people didn’t like the way, I looked and judged me for it I would likely have no interest in who they are anyway. I think she thought that was shortsighted of me.  I think she believes that we should try to please people around us, regardless of the situation, just to keep the peace and to make things flow smoothly. If it’s for her, then I would do that, if not, I don’t really care. If they have a problem, they can manage that. Has nothing to do with me.