What’s next?

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

 send her a text tonight saying “hi doctor lady… I hope you have a great time at your beach house, whenever you head up there… Give me a blast to say hi anytime you want… I wish I was there with you… :-)” 

This is fine. You know she'll be busy and it lets her know you're thinking of her without any drama. If she replies great, if not you know she does a lot of prep for the house and is having guests, so at least you're not just playing games.

Don't worry about exclusive, however she's definitely not "locked in" at 10 weeks.  Obviously you're still in the "getting to know you, see if it fits" stage  which is par for the course right now. 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

"Bat, did you ever find yourself dating someone for a couple of months, including almost that amount of time having sex and sleeping together, doing lots of day trips, and all the things that couples do… Talking about the future, etc., and then find out later that the person was actually still dating someone else?
 

I think that would be very odd and extremely unclassy… But what do I know?"

 

I never had sex -with one exception which was a big mistake - before we were committed, in love, exclusive with strong potential for marriage.  The mistake one was -I had sex after 8 weeks, he agreed to be exclusive but it was conditioned on sex and there were no I love yous although he had tons of future talk.  Typically we waited months for actual sex and it was months after we were exclusive.

In all my serious relationships except that one the man asked me to be exclusive within 6-8 weeks (sooner for my husband since we'd dated in the past -so when we decided to get back together it was to be exclusive with the goal of marriage and family).  

6-8 weeks typically meant seeing each other once or twice  a week.  Talking once or twice a week to catch up and make our next plan.  When there was e-mail -likely a couple of emails a week.  

The longest I ever dated someone without being full on exclusive was 6 months - I think he may have dated others -we were not having sex - but he was 22 and I was 23 and - he was a partying type -after 6 months he asked me to be exclusive and said he was in love with me.

I also dated a man I met through an online site for 3 months with no exclusivity -after 2 months or so I saw he was still active on the dating site- he said he wasn't dating anyone but needed more time to be exclusive.  I internally gave him one more month.  Two weeks later he showed me a scary side of him so I ended it.  We were having sleepovers but not having sex which we both were comfortable with.  i was going on dates with others.  And open to it but I was pretty besotted with him.  I was 38 and he was too I think.

Besotted…. That’s a fun word! I’ve never in my life heard that word. Wonder if I’ll ever remember it to use it ever again… 

so, in each of your cases, prior to you declaring exclusivity, did either one of you declare that you actually weren’t exclusive? Or, was it just not really discussed and each of you likely felt free to date on your own if you so desired? I know I didn’t word that well, but I’m hoping you know what I mean.

[Whirling D]

OK, after all that fuss and worry, and me trying to be patient, although failing miserably, she did call me… I was at the supermarket, and sometimes it seems like she gets impatient when she thinks my attention is divided. (although that’s speculation).

She hasn’t decided whether she’s leaving tonight or tomorrow, and she’s going to start packing and see how she feels… I suggested she could call me later during her trip up there, which is an hour, and then she asked if she decides not to go tonight, do I still want her to call, to which I said yes.

I think a lot of my anxiety is centered around her demeanor, over the past week and a half… It’s been rather cranky and detached.  I wonder if that’s just her baseline, and what I saw for about the first nine weeks was her responding to a new fresh relationship that offered hope from her admittedly lonely and chaotic life. I mean, I get it. I don’t know how she manages everything she has on her plate. Maybe this is just her settling into a routine, which I’ve said a bunch of times, as I wonder. 

so, for now, at least I can feel some peace.  It felt good to hear from her.
 

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

It’s been rather cranky and detached.

Again, this is the woman who is going to undergo cancer tests. Right?

Cut her some slack. 

[Capricorn3]

7 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Me? I think this level of analysis and obsession over non-issues is the biggest issue here. Calling, not calling: this moves no needle. If it did? That means the gauge was already busted.

^ I second this post.  When any relationship reaches this level of over-analyzing and obsessing over non-issues, it is not endearing.  If anything, it will only push a partner away. Again I say, the writing is on the wall if you continue going down this road.

[MrMan1983]

7 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I suggested she could call me later during her trip up there, which is an hour, and then she asked if she decides not to go tonight, do I still want her to call, to which I said yes.

Maybe give it a break with the micro managing or planning of next phone calls (unless she brings it up herself) as it can come across needy. Can just enjoy your current one and leave it at that. If someone wants to call/text they will call or text organically just like she did on this occasion. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

evidence:  just a few weeks ago, we were looking online for houses together… Knowing that it was far in the future.  

What is this "evidence" of? 

[Tinydance]

Sorry I only skim read to page three of the replies but I think I get the jist lol I'm not really sure if you and this lady are definitely compatible. Only you and her can answer that. I think the religion thing and "germaphobic" thing don't necessarily have to be deal breakers, but only if you and her don't consider them to be.

I think when people say that a couple is compatible or a good match, it doesn't necessarily mean that the couple have to agree on everything and do everything the same way. I think what it means is that both people either have the same or similar lifestyles, or they don't mind the differences. For example, if she's religious but she doesn't mind if you're not and doesn't expect you to become religious. And also to what extent she's religious. Some religious people go to church, go to religious camps, run groups, etc. It depends to what extent it's a part of their life. 

I'm not sure if this lady actually doesn't accept you as you are, or whether she just likes giving her opinions a lot. I know a couple of people like this (women funnily enough) who are close to me. Well one is a friend and one is only close by family relation. I don't really want to be close to her as I don't particularly like her lol

Basically with both these women, it's not so much that they don't like me or don't accept me, but they just like constantly giving their opinions and making comments about everything. They are actually those sort of people who would say things like: "You would look better with XYZ haircut instead", "You gained weight" , "You should organise your furniture like this", etc. One of these women actually is a very bad germaphobe and she always tries to push that fear onto others too. 

Personally I find it very difficult to get along with people like that. It seems to me like you're struggling with it too.

However if this lady has strong expectations of you to actually change yourself to suit her, then yeah she's not happy with you as you are. For example, if she does expect you to believe in a higher power or whatever. You don't actually have to believe in anything you don't want to. If you want to be a total atheist and believe that nothing exists other than what you actually see - that's totally fine. And you don't have to tie your hair up or cut it. If you're a relatively clean person, you don't need to become a "neat freak". 

I actually agree with what you said that if she's expecting you to change, it's not going to work. You don't have to change things about you that are perfectly acceptable and not wrong. If you were being a bad person then maybe you'd need to change. Otherwise your partner needs to like you as you are.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Whirling D said:

Besotted…. That’s a fun word! I’ve never in my life heard that word. Wonder if I’ll ever remember it to use it ever again… 

so, in each of your cases, prior to you declaring exclusivity, did either one of you declare that you actually weren’t exclusive? Or, was it just not really discussed and each of you likely felt free to date on your own if you so desired? I know I didn’t word that well, but I’m hoping you know what I mean.

I love the word besotted!!

I do know.  We always assumed it wasn't.  There were a very few times when the man assumed we were - like the man who told me on date 3 he went out and got rip roaring drunk after seeing me dancing with another guy at a singles event (funny thing was the man was a platonic friend I'd dated in the past and we were being silly -my friend wanted to make his ex jealous who was also in the room).  But he obviously had issues -I'm not even sure we'd ever kissed by that point!

I didn't kiss and tell -if a man asked me what I was doing that weekend -and he hadn't asked me out- or hadn't asked in time - I'd simply say either what the activity was -"going to a movie" or "going out with friends.  Cause it was none of his business and that's also why I didn't want to be in constant touch - no point if my Saturday night date was with me  that he should be privvy to that information. 

But I didn't have a cell till I was pregnant and I didn't communicate through email or messenger until I was in my mid 30s.  (except internal work email when my future husband and I first dated and we were clueless about the whole -be discreet on work email -I mean, we were -but not as much as now!!)

I didn't IM with or email much with men I was newly dating -I simply wanted to get to know the person over a period of time - I wanted the sense of newness and unwrapping of layers that goes -poof! -if you know what kind of avocado toast the person had for breakfast or how your coworker once again left her dirty coffee mug laying around or how your mom has a doctor's appointment again for the same phlegmy cough but you can't go cause your dog needs to be groomed and the groomer is back with her boyfriend and going to vegas soon.

But -yes -I assumed we were free to date others. And I did -to the hilt -no way in my 30s especially was I putting all my eggs in one basket too soon and foregoing opportunities to meet the right person to marry and hopefully fertilize one of those eggs before it was too late.  

 

[Whirling D]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Again, this is the woman who is going to undergo cancer tests. Right?

Cut her some slack. 

No, not at all cancer tests. She told me the other day that it was for a cyst that turned out to be fibroids.

[Batya33]

Just now, Whirling D said:

No, not at all cancer tests. She told me the other day that it was for a cyst that turned out to be fibroids.

Yes. Those can be precancerous.  I had cysts on my uterus removed and the doc did a biopsy after even though they looked benign.  My friend just had a hysterectomy because she had so many fibroids (she's in her 50s) and they also had to test the fibroids after. Waiting for those results is no fun at all. Often they are benign and I sure hope they are for your friend.  And cysts and fibroids can cause issues and pain and spotting.

[Whirling D]

3 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Maybe give it a break with the micro managing or planning of next phone calls (unless she brings it up herself) as it can come across needy. Can just enjoy your current one and leave it at that. If someone wants to call/text they will call or text organically just like she did on this occasion. 

It is hard for me to do this, but I did it tonight, and she reached out. It took her a while to get back to me, and once again I was anxious, but she did, and we had a nice convo. All good.

Then her that says, “I will talk to you tonight, right?”  We’ve talked about that before, and I get the sense that she is also anxious and feels the need to talk, but perhaps, for very different reasons. She enjoys and needs the contact, but maybe her anxiousness is less than mine, because, in many ways, she could be considered a high value woman. I’m not so much a high value guy, as I’ve talked about many times.

 

 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. Those can be precancerous.  I had cysts on my uterus removed and the doc did a biopsy after even though they looked benign.  My friend just had a hysterectomy because she had so many fibroids (she's in her 50s) and they also had to test the fibroids after. Waiting for those results is no fun at all. Often they are benign and I sure hope they are for your friend.  And cysts and fibroids can cause issues and pain and spotting.

My uterus is just a mass of fibroids. It is why I lost 4 babies and probably why I went through menopause early. My mom had to have an emergency hysterectomy due to fibroids because she was bleeding to death gush and gush blood that wouldn’t stop. She was only 32. They are painful and can cause severe issues. My grandmother almost died from her hysterectomy in the 1950’s. 
 

 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

It is hard for me to do this, but I did it tonight, and she reached out. It took her a while to get back to me, and once again I was anxious, but she did, and we had a nice convo. All good.

Then her that says, “I will talk to you tonight, right?”  We’ve talked about that before, and I get the sense that she is also anxious and feels the need to talk, but perhaps, for very different reasons. She enjoys and needs the contact, but maybe her anxiousness is less than mine, because, in many ways, she could be considered a high value woman. I’m not so much a high value guy, as I’ve talked about many times.

 

 

How do you feel about her needing the contact as the focus vs. the focus being -it's fun to check in and share our day? I truly doubt whether someone is high value or not -even if that were a thing -has anything to do with level of contact in a one on one potentially serious relationship -i never ever walked around thinking "hmmmm - I mean if he left me today -I'm so in demand I'd rustle up a replacement right away!!!" -  I was high value particularly in my late 20s - I say this according to what your standard would be -I didn't think of myself that way.  And I don't now - it's repugnant to me actually.

At around 6:10AM I emailed my sleeping husband (text would have woken him) to share the exciting news that..... I got Wordle today in 2 tries!!! I mean of course like I could have told him when he wakes up -or later in the day -but I had to share my joy right then with him since we have fun comparing Wordle notes daily with each other. 

But when we were dating we thoroughly enjoyed our nightly convos when we couldn't see each other - I never felt I "needed" it to soothe anxieties -neither did he.  If it had happened that we couldn't reach each other my anxiety -and his -would have been -is she/he all right?? Sick? Stuck in a subway?? Not "does he/she still want/desire/love me."  The calls were fun and loving and close because our motives were - we like hanging with each other and if it can't be in person it will be our nightly phone call.  Had it been neediness as a focus it woul have felt too -heavy/obligatory. IMO.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My uterus is just a mass of fibroids. It is why I lost 4 babies and probably why I went through menopause early. My mom had to have an emergency hysterectomy due to fibroids because she was bleeding to death gush and gush blood that wouldn’t stop. She was only 32. They are painful and can cause severe issues. My grandmother almost died from her hysterectomy in the 1950’s. 
 

 

Not to go off topic but my friend -who I met through a message board 20 years ago- is having after effects. I've been following her lead -called her once, and am regularly checking in via text every day or so to sort of be there without being too much - lighthearted anecdotes plus how are you doing -she is one strong and resilient lady but lives alone -has family members bringing her groceries which is good.  I'm sorry she went through this.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 hours ago, Whirling D said:

So, for now, at least I can feel some peace...

Wow, so if I'm reading this correctly, your emotional balance and the level of peace you feel (within yourself as well as the relationship) is determined by how attentive SHE is and whether or not her words/actions are sufficient enough to soothe your anxiety?

Do you know know dangerous and frankly toxic that is?  

Ask yourself this.  Does this relationship, as it's developing which it still is, enhance what should be your already happy and peaceful existence, again within yourself?

It sure doesn't sound like it does.  Rather you rely on it, and her moods whatever they may be on any given day, and her attentiveness to you and ability to soothe your anxiety, to determine your happiness and level of peace. 

I can't see how such a dynamic could possibly bring you joy, and not just occasionally again when her level of attentiveness is sufficient enough to soothe your anxiety.

You said you were married, did you operate under this same type of dynamic during your marriage and while you were dating?  How long were you married? 

From my end, you are so focused on determining HER feelings for you that you lose sight of what's truly important - whether this woman is the right fit for YOU. Whether or not you are the right fit for each other, together.

Not once in awhile but the big picture moving forward. 

Aren't you exhausted?  

I discussed attempting to create "balance" in your life earlier, NOT the extremes that are happening now.  Are you doing that? 

This isn't sustainable Whirling.  And while I am sympathetic to her fibroid situation, I truly don't believe that is the reason for her distance. 

Something feels terribly off, but time will tell I suppose. 

Be happy. 

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I can't see how such a dynamic could possibly bring you joy, and not just occasionally again when her level of attentiveness is sufficient enough to soothing your anxiety.

Bad analogy perhaps but I felt this way when my son was less than 6 months old -and we had an H1N1 epidemic/he was too young to be vaccinated/I'd had a stroke (from which I fully recovered quickly -but still!), and I knew of the risk of SIDS particularly prior to 6 months. 

So his level of breathing/alertness -which I checked on regularly, which I had an audio monitor for at night once, at 5.5 months -he started sleeping in a crib right across the hall - was what I needed to soothe me and my fairly regular anxiety about his wellbeing at that time. It WAS exhausting particularly because my husband couldn't relate to that level of stress- for sure he cared a lot and took care of his son and loved him to bits -but - he didn't feel the need to check on him to the extent I did, he wasn't suffering from insomnia because of being on "high alert" - so I probably exhausted him at times too.  But yes -needing another person to soothe you by doing X or Y - exhausting.  

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Not to go off topic but my friend -who I met through a message board 20 years ago- is having after effects. I've been following her lead -called her once, and am regularly checking in via text every day or so to sort of be there without being too much - lighthearted anecdotes plus how are you doing -she is one strong and resilient lady but lives alone -has family members bringing her groceries which is good.  I'm sorry she went through this.

Thank you everyone. I’m appreciating the feedback.

I am very glad the doctor lady’s condition seems to be under control., From at least what she says.  I don’t know a ton about that condition, but from the ladies that I have known that have suffered from it, it can be incredibly painful and concerning. I’m just glad it seems to be under control. She didn’t indicate whether or not she would have to have anything removed, or any type of surgery.

she did tell me a sad story about 10 days ago about her losing a baby once during a miscarriage event.  I think I’m going to want to ask her about that again… To get more of a feel of what she experienced.  I think I brought up the topic of how she felt about not having kids for a second time… We had talked about it before, But I think I want to ask her about her miscarriage again… Just to try to get it further feel of what kind of impact it had on her, and may still.

so, upon finishing our conversation last night she said something like… “I’ll send you a text when I get up there, since I won’t have a lot of time to talk on the phone…“.  I told her that would be good, and joked with her to take a picture of the window because it would be nice to see what it’s like up there today… she had been  bemoaning that the weather forecast was not supposed to be good up there.

Early this morning she did just that, and sent a photo looking out the window… With the caption “grey day“.
 

I was happy to hear from her, as I was happy to talk to her last night.

my response to her text was… “Yes, but I hope you are happy to be where your heart feels full… 🙂 ❤️🌺💋”

she read it a few moments later, but no response.

I have no idea what a text like this from me speaks to her… Although at the beginning of getting to know her, she always said she really liked those kinds of texts from me. Don’t know if she still feels the same. The lack of response could be an indicator, but I don’t know

in the not too distant past, she would have likely responded by sending me some hearts emoji’s, or a smiley kissing face emoji.  Not these days.

i’m not really spending a lot of time at this moment overanalyzing why her correspondence has really gotten dryer over the last week or so, because she still showing interest in corresponding, but I still wonder where her head is at…

if I had to predict, I would say that I think she is likely wondering what I suspect she is wondering, which is if her and I are really the right fit for her. Likely as a result of the conversations we’ve had, and maybe even me pushing her a bit on them.

It’s possible that the more I  worry about it, and the more I push in that direction, the more likely she may to pull back. So that’s kind of what I’ve done this week. I just let her correspond in her own way and I haven’t pushed back at all.

my natural tendency, which is what I did a couple of weeks ago, was to say to her within the first little while seeing her next… “So, Dr. lady… How are we doing right about now? Is there anything on your mind that Has been troubling you or you wanna talk about?” She responded favorably a few weeks ago when I asked her that question, I think it was the first time we went up to her Beachhouse on the drive up there… And it meant a lot to her that I was checking in like that and we were able to talk about what was troubling her.

I am wondering now if I should say something like that to her when I see her next, or just try to drop it and move forward and try to offer a safe place for her to feel what she wants without being constantly scrutinized. I don’t think it felt scrutinizing to her last time. I think she felt valued and appreciated that I would take a little bit like that into what she was feeling.  I think they both strategies have merit, but one kind of seems passive to me and the other seems proactive.

thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

   thoughts?

Try to let her enjoy some peace and quiet with her guests. Let her contact you later. Try to keep yourself busy.  Please stop trying to drag her down or pour salt in wounds. Perhaps try not to hunt for more real or imagined flaws in her this much. So far according to you, she's frumpy, cranky, chaotic, anxious, lonely, depressed, cheap, blunt, controlling , judgemental, compulsively clean, needy, a religious nut, etc etc etc.

However she seems to come across much more pulled together than that.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But yes -needing another person to soothe you by doing X or Y - exhausting.

Especially after only 10 weeks.  The "observation" stage. 

Whirling again, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

The worst being she ends it or simply fades out for good which imho would actually be for the BEST but that's your call. 

[Whirling D]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Wow, so if I'm reading this correctly, your emotional balance and the level of peace you feel (within yourself as well as the relationship) is determined by how attentive SHE is and whether or not her words/actions are sufficient enough to soothe your anxiety?

Do you know know dangerous and frankly toxic that is?  

Ask yourself this.  Does this relationship, as it's developing which it still is, enhance what should be your already happy and peaceful existence, again within yourself?

It sure doesn't sound like it does.  Rather you rely on it, and her moods whatever they may be on any given day, and her attentiveness to you and ability to soothe your anxiety, to determine your happiness and level of peace. 

I can't see how such a dynamic could possibly bring you joy, and not just occasionally again when her level of attentiveness is sufficient enough to soothe your anxiety.

You said you were married, did you operate under this same type of dynamic during your marriage and while you were dating?  How long were you married? 

From my end, you are so focused on determining HER feelings for you that you lose sight of what's truly important - whether this woman is the right fit for YOU. Whether or not you are the right fit for each other, together.

Not once in awhile but the big picture moving forward. 

Aren't you exhausted?  

I discussed attempting to create "balance" in your life earlier, NOT the extremes that are happening now.  Are you doing that? 

This isn't sustainable Whirling.  And while I am sympathetic to her fibroid situation, I truly don't believe that is the reason for her distance. 

Something feels terribly off, but time will tell I suppose. 

Be happy. 

 

Thank you rainbow…

But let’s try to not make how I  experience this lady into something “dangerous and toxic”. Plenty of people in the world struggle with interpersonal relationships, and I always have, to a greater or lesser degree. This one seems different, since the stakes seem so much higher for me… Awesome lady. In many ways it started off with intense emotional and physical connection. I guess, subconsciously, I have this terrible feeling that this is my last hope for that kind of happiness and fulfillment. That sends my anxiety into the stratosphere. Who wants to approach their final years alone and isolated? Not me.  But on the other hand, I struggle with feeling a healthy balance between desiring someone and needing someone. That’s not a disease in as much as it is a disability.

It’s not the only thing in my life, and it’s not the only thing I think about it, but it’s the only thing I really write about on here… Last night I was busy working on musical things which was good, and I play out with my band and have fun… I still have things to keep me occupied, but clearly, my thought of her and what it could mean to my life dominates my mind space… That is likely due to my own attachment issues and trauma history. She has her own issues as well, so neither of us are perfect.

 It is also relative that I have a boatload of free time, even though I need that free time to keep most of my affairs in order… That free time allows my mind to wander a lot, and to speculate and overanalyze. That’s the downside of having so much free time. Otherwise, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I am likely guilty of much of what you are describing, but I wouldn’t characterize it as toxic. Less than ideal and somewhat smothering? That would be fair.  Unhealthy?  Probably.  Most people have quirks and things that could be characterized as unhealthy, even the doctor lady.  

Will she ultimately be the right choice for me? At this exact moment, I can’t really say. I do say that I don’t want to self sabotage or push her away, because when I’m with her, things fall into place and we have a good time, and I feel a greater amount of connection with her. It’s when I’m away from her that I start to spin and feel really anxious… And I wouldn’t be surprised if she may be the same way.

[Batya33]

I'd stop taking her emotional temperature because it's to soothe yourself -self absorbed.  I would absolutely not ask her about the tragedy of her miscarriage again - if she brings it up then sure -but tread gently.  Why bring up such a tragic event?? I would absolutely hate if anyone asked me how I felt when I was 5 weeks pregnant- couldn't get seen yet by an OB -and was spotting! So scary.  My future husband was away -on a long car ride with his father to move stuff from one place to another -and my niece was at my home and I hadn't even told her I was pregnant -we told no one except immediate till 14 weeks.  I told her later. I would hate if she brought it up to me -so how did it feel thinking you might lose your only chance at being a mom? What impact did it have on your life?? Seriously??? 

Yes- if you two were trying to conceive that would be a topic of discussion -would be important to know where her mindset/emotions were about the past loss as far as the impact on trying again.  She'd likely bring it up and her doctor likely would bring it up as part of her history.  I thank the heavens never had a loss -but I had a number of negative tests that made me sad.  Obviously I told my future husband about my disappointment - but no he didn't ask me to probe into my emotions surrounding the disappointment -how it impacted "trying again" - and that was just a negative test -no known loss!  I cannot imagine.

I've had friends suffer such horrible and tragic losses including one at probably 20 weeks -one acquaintance had a stillborn (:-() and I always let them raise it/talk about it -how they feel comfortable.  One friend who had a stillborn posted the anniversary of his passing on FB and once or twice I simply messaged her on that day "how are you doing?"

Please check yourself as to your genuine motivations and please figure out what part of it is your needs vs a true sense of caring for this lady.

[Whirling D]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to let her enjoy some peace and quiet with her guests. Let her contact you later. Try to keep yourself busy.  Please stop trying to drag her down or pour salt in wounds. Perhaps try not to hunt for more real or imagined flaws in her this much. So far according to you, she's frumpy, cranky, chaotic, anxious, lonely, depressed, cheap, blunt, etc etc etc.

That’s probably a fair point, wise. Thank you.

contrary to this, though, you’ve probably heard me going on and on when we first met how great she was about this and this and this… Maybe I’m just more prone now to pointing out the things that I think might be factors that will bring this thing down hard. I don’t want that, but I guess I’m just obsessing a little bit about that likelihood, since I’ve been down this road many times before

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Thank you everyone. I’m appreciating the feedback.

I am very glad the doctor lady’s condition seems to be under control., From at least what she says.  I don’t know a ton about that condition, but from the ladies that I have known that have suffered from it, it can be incredibly painful and concerning. I’m just glad it seems to be under control. She didn’t indicate whether or not she would have to have anything removed, or any type of surgery.

she did tell me a sad story about 10 days ago about her losing a baby once during a miscarriage event.  I think I’m going to want to ask her about that again… To get more of a feel of what she experienced.  I think I brought up the topic of how she felt about not having kids for a second time… We had talked about it before, But I think I want to ask her about her miscarriage again… Just to try to get it further feel of what kind of impact it had on her, and may still.

so, upon finishing our conversation last night she said something like… “I’ll send you a text when I get up there, since I won’t have a lot of time to talk on the phone…“.  I told her that would be good, and joked with her to take a picture of the window because it would be nice to see what it’s like up there today… she had been  bemoaning that the weather forecast was not supposed to be good up there.

Early this morning she did just that, and sent a photo looking out the window… With the caption “grey day“.
 

I was happy to hear from her, as I was happy to talk to her last night.

my response to her text was… “Yes, but I hope you are happy to be where your heart feels full… 🙂 ❤️🌺💋”

she read it a few moments later, but no response.

I have no idea what a text like this from me speaks to her… Although at the beginning of getting to know her, she always said she really liked those kinds of texts from me. Don’t know if she still feels the same. The lack of response could be an indicator, but I don’t know

in the not too distant past, she would have likely responded by sending me some hearts emoji’s, or a smiley kissing face emoji.  Not these days.

i’m not really spending a lot of time at this moment overanalyzing why her correspondence has really gotten dryer over the last week or so, because she still showing interest in corresponding, but I still wonder where her head is at…

if I had to predict, I would say that I think she is likely wondering what I suspect she is wondering, which is if her and I are really the right fit for her. Likely as a result of the conversations we’ve had, and maybe even me pushing her a bit on them.

It’s possible that the more I  worry about it, and the more I push in that direction, the more likely she may to pull back. So that’s kind of what I’ve done this week. I just let her correspond in her own way and I haven’t pushed back at all.

my natural tendency, which is what I did a couple of weeks ago, was to say to her within the first little while seeing her next… “So, Dr. lady… How are we doing right about now? Is there anything on your mind that Has been troubling you or you wanna talk about?” She responded favorably a few weeks ago when I asked her that question, I think it was the first time we went up to her Beachhouse on the drive up there… And it meant a lot to her that I was checking in like that and we were able to talk about what was troubling her.

I am wondering now if I should say something like that to her when I see her next, or just try to drop it and move forward and try to offer a safe place for her to feel what she wants without being constantly scrutinized. I don’t think it felt scrutinizing to her last time. I think she felt valued and appreciated that I would take a little bit like that into what she was feeling.  I think they both strategies have merit, but one kind of seems passive to me and the other seems proactive.

thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

Please don’t ask her about her miscarriage. It is devastating. I have had 4 and after one I was severely depressed for at least 5 years. I now have medical trauma and my PTSD for medical procedures is off the charts. Don’t bring trauma back up.  

[Whirling D]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd stop taking her emotional temperature because it's to soothe yourself -self absorbed.  I would absolutely not ask her about the tragedy of her miscarriage again - if she brings it up then sure -but tread gently.  Why bring up such a tragic event?? I would absolutely hate if anyone asked me how I felt when I was 5 weeks pregnant- couldn't get seen yet by an OB -and was spotting! So scary.  My future husband was away -on a long car ride with his father to move stuff from one place to another -and my niece was at my home and I hadn't even told her I was pregnant -we told no one except immediate till 14 weeks.  I told her later. I would hate if she brought it up to me -so how did it feel thinking you might lose your only chance at being a mom? What impact did it have on your life?? Seriously??? 

Yes- if you two were trying to conceive that would be a topic of discussion -would be important to know where her mindset/emotions were about the past loss as far as the impact on trying again.  She'd likely bring it up and her doctor likely would bring it up as part of her history.  I thank the heavens never had a loss -but I had a number of negative tests that made me sad.  Obviously I told my future husband about my disappointment - but no he didn't ask me to probe into my emotions surrounding the disappointment -how it impacted "trying again" - and that was just a negative test -no known loss!  I cannot imagine.

I've had friends suffer such horrible and tragic losses including one at probably 20 weeks -one acquaintance had a stillborn (:-() and I always let them raise it/talk about it -how they feel comfortable.  One friend who had a stillborn posted the anniversary of his passing on FB and once or twice I simply messaged her on that day "how are you doing?"

Please check yourself as to your genuine motivations and please figure out what part of it is your needs vs a true sense of caring for this lady.

That’s a valuable thought, bat.

I sometimes do wonder what is self-absorbed that I talk to her about and what is genuine caring. I do believe that there is both present, but for different reasons it varies from time to time.

I think everybody operates with different ratios of care versus self interest, and I know that in relation to this relationship, my self absorption has been very high, and that’s due to the anxiety of impending loss, and the dread I would/feel if and when this thing tanks… And I would feel devastated, for all the reasons I’ve talked about endlessly from even before when I met this lady.