Was I largely to blame for my breakup? It’s drowning me today in guilt

[ATM]

I know I posted a thread about my relationship, but other circumstances of it. If I’m honest, I’m not sure why, but my emotions are coming in waves and today I feel like I’m drowning in guilt. I want to text her and apologize SO badly. I miss her so much and I feel like I broke us up. 
 

So, we broke up on April 7, 2023.. so basically three months ago. I’ve been no contact, even though she said I should keep in touch and still text when we broke up. About three weeks before we broke up, she texted and asked could we skip hanging out on a particular weekend because she wanted to go to the strip club with a bunch of girl friends. I agreed. I didn’t tell her “no.” But, I acted sort of awkward and uncomfortable. I asked things like “who all is going?” “Their husbands don’t care?” “Is it a male or female strip club” she picked up on my vibe and asked why I was acting odd. I then said “I respect your space, but for me it just feels weird, my gf of a year, going to a strip club. But I accept it and I want you to go and have fun. You’re your own person.” These are literally more or less my exact responses to her. Anyway, she turned really annoyed or

stand-offish. I was driving to her place when the above conversation happened, and she abruptly stopped me and said not to come, to just come the next day. She stated she was now in a mood and would end up saying something mean to me. I obliged and didn’t come, as she requested. However, I’ll admit, I got upset and sent her many texts, reassuring her of my love, reassuring her that I didn’t care if she went, reassuring her I’d do anything at all to keep her happy and in my life. I know this was clingy and I feel badly for it. 
 

Over the next few weeks, her vibe had suddenly shifted. She just seemed different. Finally, she ended things. 
 

I know strip clubs are just shows. It’s not cheating. I just was caught off guard in this situation. I wasn’t mad, I just had questions. I feel so bad now. I feel like I ruined my relationship and now I have waves of guilt. 
 

Here’s other facts I own up to- we were together over a year and rarely.. I mean barely ever fought. We clicked well. But back in December, I saw where her ex sent her a Snapchat. Very similar to my strip club reaction, I didn’t get mad, but acted uncomfortable and asked her how long had he been sending her snaps? Did she truly ignore all of them? Etc. There were a few other guys who I’d see send her snaps and some times, I’d simply ask “who is he” then once she responded, I’d drop it and never mention that guy again. But again, I feel bad. I shouldn’t have said anything. 
 

I let her friends tag along on 50-60% of our dates. I didn’t really enjoy it, but I felt like it kept my girlfriend happy. I’d just go with the flow and eat where they picked usually. I’d walk around the mall with them, watch them get their nails done, etc. all to keep her happy. 
 

I spent a ridiculous amount of my money on her. I paid for her gas often, food regularly, 100% of our dates, 100% of her nails, I paid for both beach trips. I spoiled her. I took her  gifts weekly (gift cards, snacks, etc), I spent over $1,000 on her birthday.. I got her every shoe, shirt or sweatshirt she mentioned. I even put her on my credit card and signed a lease at a house of her choosing. 
 

When she got so mad about the strip club, I was in tears and out of pure emotions texted and said “I hope there isn’t someone else, I don’t want to get that hurt again” this made her even more angry and I felt and still do, feel terrible for saying it. I just was so emotional and wasn’t thinking. I apologized for all of this.. but I guess it wasn’t good enough. Also, the only reason I said this was because, my last relationship before this one, my ex had cheated and told me point-black during an argument that she had slept around behind my back. I still had scars from that and got scared when I saw my current gf and I were getting into an argument. 
 

In conclusion, I’m currently in my office typing this. I miss her so much. I’m still applying no contact. I just wish I could take back all my mistakes and sins. I just hope someday I’ll get the “Can you talk?” Text from her. Some people try to say she didn’t treat me right, but in my heart, I’m willing to overlook, forgive and forget everything if she’d just give me a second shot. I feel awful.. even three months later. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling so upset and it's so normal after a break up.  Maybe reading the advice frm the other thread will help.

Sounds like you had expectations of how she would treat you since you went overboard spending $$ and doing stuff for her.  That's not how it works.  You did all that stuff because you chose to, right? I mean it wasn't to win her over -was it? It wasn't because you felt otherwise she wouldn't be into you or into you enough -was it?

[shouldhavelearned]

Mistakes.....no, you learned a lesson

 

Stay strong and move on to something better

[catfeeder]

I doubt the strip club thing was the actual cause of the split. It sounds like you were on extreme overkill with doormat behavior throughout the relationship. While that may have bought you some avoidance of conflict, it’s also a barrier to intimacy.

People respect equals with boundaries. Yes, this causes conflicts in healthy relationships, and the negotiations and repairs of those conflicts are part of the balance of mutual respect.

When one person is so risk averse that they always fold and cater to the other, they erode the balance of respect, and without that, romance flattens and the partner who holds all the power gets frustrated and bored.

So apologizing can’t fix that. Ex may have enjoyed the shower of gifts and attention for a time, but the price you both paid for that imbalanced dynamic was too high.

[Wiseman2]

There's nothing you could have done or not done. She told you she was sexually confused and wanted to date women. It stings a bit more because you overinvested.

Actually you dodged a bullet. She hid the fact that she never had relationships before because she is bi/lesbian and just strung you along for perks and experimenting with her sexuality and dating men.

Do not beat yourself up over this or replay interactions as if you had control over her confusion.

 

[Lambert]

Healing is not linear. it spirals and things can trigger us to feel upset even months later.

Try to have patience with yourself. it's going to be OK.  ride out these feelings. 

You've come farther than you think! 

 

[redswim30]

2 hours ago, ATM said:

“I respect your space, but for me it just feels weird, my gf of a year, going to a strip club. But I accept it and I want you to go and have fun. You’re your own person.” These are literally more or less my exact responses to her.

OP,  I think you're well rid of her.   You're allowed to have THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.   Everyone feels different about strip clubs.  I personally don't like them, I find them exploitative and gross.  I wouldn't be offended if my husband wanted to go, per se- but (and this is just me)- I would feel funny about it, and it would shift my perspective a little on what he thought of women.  

Like you, I wouldn't stop him- because you can't control people, BUT- if a partner is doing something you don't feel comfortable about, you're allowed to have thoughts and feelings.  I would have said "You can go if you want to and I won't stop you, but I have to be honest and say I'll be disappointed and feel a little funny about it."  He wouldn't have a right to judge my feelings about it, even if he disagreed.  Sounds like she was mad that you did- and THAT is toxic.  Good riddance. 

[ATM]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Healing is not linear. it spirals and things can trigger us to feel upset even months later.

Try to have patience with yourself. it's going to be OK.  ride out these feelings. 

You've come farther than you think! 

 

Thank you. This gave me encouragement today and made me feel better. This weekend was rough. I was inside my head constantly. I’ve been feeling like I’ll never get over this.. but I guess, this too shall pass. I appreciate you. 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Was I largely to blame for my breakup?

Yes. Because no woman would have a respect for you when you act like a common simp. That is why your ex said to you in the face that she cheated on you, that is why new one can message her ex or go to strip club while you beg her to go just to be some proverbial white knight and show her how you are not jealous. Do you know what somebody with spine would do if they started the car to see her and she said to them not to come? Send her where the sun doesnt shine. Learn to stand up for yourself. Because as long as you do stuff like this, some people would take advantage of that, hurt you and dont care for it.

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, ATM said:

I’ve been feeling like I’ll never get over this.

I have been in your shoes, truly.   Try to accept how you feel without analyzing it over and over. Acknowledge the thoughts then think of something else.  Try not to judge yourself so harshly. this too shall pass.  it will.  believe it.

 

[lostandhurt]

You really need to reread your other thread and anyone else that doesn't know the back story.

I know you miss her but I think you miss the imagined person you wanted in your life but she simply is not that person.

 Reading what you wrote this is what I saw.  "If I could have just kissed her butt more, bought her more gifts and swallowed my feelings more we would still be together"

 Sooner or later this was bound to end. You were fortunate it was sooner.

 Mourn the loss and learn from all this.  You will have bad days but they will be fewer and fewer as time goes on.

Please stay NC forever

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

Your other thread and this one paint a picture of a very one-sided relationship, with you being way more into her than she was into you. 

As such, you didn't ruin it because it was never going to last. The end was going to come at some point, and it did. She wasn't in it for the long haul. 

You've certainly chosen an apt username, though. 

[SooSad33]

12 hours ago, ATM said:

I spent a ridiculous amount of my money on her. I paid for her gas often, food regularly, 100% of our dates, 100% of her nails, I paid for both beach trips. I spoiled her. I took her  gifts weekly (gift cards, snacks, etc), I spent over $1,000 on her birthday.. I got her every shoe, shirt or sweatshirt she mentioned. I even put her on my credit card and signed a lease at a house of her choosing. 

So you were basically buying her love - or at least trying to.  And see, even that didn't work!

I highly suggest YOU get a grip next time you get involved, like wth are you doing signing for a lease on a home with someone you've only been dating a year?  Geeze.

I dated a guy 5 yrs and never did i inquire a thing about his finances nor did he let me use his credit card, etc.  

12 hours ago, ATM said:

When she got so mad about the strip club, I was in tears and out of pure emotions texted and said “I hope there isn’t someone else, I don’t want to get that hurt again” this made her even more angry and I felt and still do, feel terrible for saying it. I just was so emotional and wasn’t thinking. I apologized for all of this.. but I guess it wasn’t good enough. Also, the only reason I said this was because, my last relationship before this one, my ex had cheated and told me point-black during an argument that she had slept around behind my back. I still had scars from that and got scared when I saw my current gf and I were getting into an argument. 

It shows just how emotionally spent you are still, from your last relationship.  Was not a good idea to get involved again.

And I have a feeling you just gave into anything & bent over backwards for this one in order to try and 'keep her'.  Just don't.  The right one will not use you and you will come to see IF you're truly compatible.

And whats with the 'mistakes & sins'?

Buddy, you're hurting in so many ways 😕 .  Might I suggest you just take a good break away from dating... and focus on YOU and get yourself more healed than this.  You've let your last experience bleed into this relationship - sooo not good .

Either way, just continue to work through all of your emotions.  It hurts, but the less you know and more time away from all the crap, the more you'll come to have a chance at healing and moving on with your life again.

For now, be easy on yourself.  Hang with some friends, stay active, get your sleep ( self care).