he said that he needed space…it’s been over 2 weeks now. am i overthinking?

[Izzy23]

I 18F have been talking to this guy 20M since april so about 2 months now. we met at school and everything had been pretty great. it’s important to note that he is a secure attachment and i’m a very anxious attachment, deal with abandonment issues and struggle with major overthinking. i have really struggled with anxious attachment and it even caused problems with my last situationship as he was very avoidant and the relationship just took a toll on me emotionally as he wasn’t able to express anything to me. however when i met this guy i was so happy as everything from his communication to his love language is what i look for in a partner and makes me feel secure.

 

however, now that schools done and it’s summer he has ended up getting a full time summer research position with the university we attend. i’m going into my second year and he’s going into his fourth so he obviously has a lot more responsibilities and stress when it comes to school. (he’s also in biomedical science and i’m in political science so i don’t understand the stuff that goes on within his field so much). but everything was going great until he got that full time job. in the beginning he’d always want to see me as much i was available which made me so happy but also scared me as i was not used to that type of treatment from a guy. but lately he was calling less, not texting good morning and not as available as he was before. i was confused by it but i knew or at least chose to believe it was because of his job not me. he’s also not allowed to have his phone in the lab where he works.

 

he called me 2 weeks ago around midnight and i was so happy that he called me so we could just talk like normal but i could hear that he wasn’t home and he told me he actually had just left work. when i heard this my heart dropped and i had a feeling where the conversation was going to go. he told me he wanted to talk to me about something so i knew it wasn’t going to be our normal phone call where we would both fall asleep on the line. he expressed that he felt bad that i texted him the day before and he didn’t see until the next day as he was working and so tired later. he said that he used to have time during the week for us to see each other at least once a week but “for now” it won’t be possible as it’s a lot going on with this new summer research position and he also has to study at the same time for his deferred exams which he still doesn’t know exactly when they are (our university admin sucks at notifying students). he said that he “doesn’t want to just be another bad thing that happened to me but he wants be a good thing”; (i’ve opened up to him alot about my past traumas so i did appreciate him saying this.) therefore he needs space for at least the rest of the month to get his exams done and settle into his job; and for now the idea of us has to sit in the backseat. 

 

when he said this i understood and i saw it coming so i was happy that he was honest and communicated this with me as waiting for him to call me and text me every night was getting very draining. i was very anxious that we were over even before this conversation but he said very reassuringly that we’re not over. however i did ask him about his loyalty to me during this space and he said “there’s 100% no other girl as he doesn’t even have time for other girls right now.” my anxiety was also rising so i also asked him how long of space does he need and he said he obviously can’t guarantee but these are the answers he can give me right now. 

 

i told him i can’t wait for him the whole summer (i said that as i don’t want be some desperate anxious girl who waits the whole summer for him to finally call me as i have already experienced such pain with my ex). when i told him that he told me that im jumping the gun and that he didn’t say we’re over but he just needs space. i then could hear the stress in his voice as he said that it’s hasn’t even been a week and me bringing up that kind of break stuff isn’t helping either; all he’s asking for is space to do what he’s gotta do. so we eventually ended the conversation on a good note and he said we’d still talk and he’ll let me know the next time we can see each other. i told him i hope everything works out for him and he said goodnight.

 

that was june 6th and till this day i have not heard from him. at first i was actually enjoying the space as i was no more getting upset by the fact that he wasn’t contacting me since i knew that he was just busy and that it wasn’t me. i have also started going to weekly therapy again to deal with my anxious attachment and past traumas. but now i’m starting to get anxious and overthink the situation again but i also cant tell if my thoughts are valid ones.

 

i also want to note that my anxious attachment has caused a few problems between us before as i kept comparing him to my highly avoidant ex and he’s expressed that it feels like i don’t listen to him at times as i keep repeating the same things over and over again (i do that when i’m anxious and i am searching for reassurance) but we were able to talk it out and get past it. 

 

but now i’m confused as i don’t know if he’s lying to me and he said all that to let me down easy. he always told me that if someone did something he didn’t like he would let them know before cutting them off but what if that was lies. it also doesent help when i search up “what to do when a guy needs space” for some sort of comfort and everyone is just saying that he is lying and no man is ever too busy to talk to you. a few friends have told me to text him and check on him. but i don’t want to as if i text him im mainly texting to see if he will reply to me (which i am aware is selfish of me and is why i haven’t texted). if he doesn’t reply within 2 days it’ll send me into an anxious overthinking spiral that he’s done with me and we’re over. i really want to see how he’s doing, i actually miss him a lot and i wish he would at least text me to check in on me. but i don’t want to contact him first as if i do that i feel that i have lost control in a sense. in the beginning he was chasing me and i tried my best to not trust him and get attached but now it feels like i’ll be chasing him. but i’m getting frustrated as now it feels like i’m waiting for him. when we go back to school in september we will end up seeing each other. 

 

he’s healthily and clearly communicated that he needs space to focus on his exams and figure out his new job…but still i’m looking for reasons as to why he might be lying and also “guys lie all the time, there’s a big chance he’s just lying to me”. i don’t know if i should continue to give him his space while focusing on myself. if i should text and check in him or if i should just move on and assume things are over to protect myself.

[SooSad33]

14 minutes ago, Izzy23 said:

i also want to note that my anxious attachment has caused a few problems between us before as i kept comparing him to my highly avoidant ex and he’s expressed that it feels like i don’t listen to him at times as i keep repeating the same things over and over again (i do that when i’m anxious and i am searching for reassurance) but we were able to talk it out and get past it. 

Yeah, this isn't good.. you could very well be causing problems that need not be there 😕 . And that is a problem when you're in this state.

Have you considered NOT being involved for a while?  And just focus on YOU and getting yourself better.

One does need to feel confident, not needy etc, for a relationship to evolve in a healthy manner.

You're 18 and have many years ahead of you on working to find someone decent for you. ( I hope you're not just jumping from one relationship to another?).

By sounds of it, you can very well be repeating here, what you did with the last one - and this is what you want to stop doing..... right?  Then maybe you should just be on your own for a while and work on all of this.

( Of course, what he's saying he wants to do ( distance), will not help you at all).  So, whatever's going on between you two is not good on your anxiety.

 

 

14 minutes ago, Izzy23 said:

i don’t know if i should continue to give him his space while focusing on myself. if i should text and check in him or if i should just move on and assume things are over to protect myself.

Nope, I say to leave him be.  he said his piece.. and IF he wants to reach out, he knows how to get hold of you.

But, imo, I'd suggest just leave it be now.  Focus on you and move on with your life, cause if a guy wants to distance himself from me in any form, I'm done with it. ( and I have had it a few times).

Keep moving on up, keep working on you now.  Let that be your main focus, not some unsettled 20 yr old busy, college dude.  There's so many more out there, for when the timing is right.

[MissCanuck]

 It's never a good idea to bring past traumas into a relationship and compare a new guy to an ex. That will kill attraction faster than anything, and it's plain not fair. 

It would be best for you to hold off on dating altogether for a while. Get yourself back to a more secure, healthier place - then think about meeting a new guy. You are not ready for another relationship yet, and that's okay. 

I would not wait around for this guy, nor would I reach out to him.  It seems like too much emotional chaos and at just 18, I can promise this one is not the one you will wind up with. He's training wheels for bigger and better relationship in the future. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Izzy23 said:

 he didn’t say we’re over but he just needs space. 

Sorry this happened. You don't have to wait the whole summer. Please tell him you're not a match and delete and block him. That's the best way to protect yourself.

When someone asks for space, they're backing out of the relationship.  Please don't label yourself with popular attachment styles. Maybe you're just anxious because you're with the wrong guy.

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry to be a buzz killer, but your "attachment styles" are not important to note and your various traumas are not either.  THAT's where you're "overthinking."  

You are effectively not in a functioning relationship with this guy.  Time to delete, block and move on.

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry to be a buzz killer, but your "attachment styles" are not important to note and your various traumas are not either.  THAT's where you're "overthinking."  

You are effectively not in a functioning relationship with this guy.  Time to delete, block and move on.

Completely agree- I'd avoid burying yourself in the flavor of the moment psychobabble and missing the common sense stuff- he's doing the I'm too busy excuse/of course I'm not dating anyone, I have no time to date. (Rather than - no, I don't want to date others or look to date others -you're the person I want to be with).

My sense is your self-absorbed choice to focus on your need for reassurance rather than listening to the person in front of you (or on the phone) was a bit much this early on for this person and a turn off and all the other needy/clingy stuff. He is too busy to deal with that sort of behavior/reactions to this extent. 

I agree with working with a professional on how you interact with people and be open to not labeling/categorizing as some sort of style or love language - you are an individual and boxing yourself in with some abstract trendy label isn't going to help.

I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Izzy23 said:

 i’m a very anxious attachment, deal with abandonment issues and struggle with major overthinking.

Do you work? Go to school? Live with parents? Are you covered under your parents health insurance?

Please talk to trusted adult friends and family about this. Please don't use social media memes or TikTok, YouTube, etc. to try to label or diagnose yourself.

Make an appointment with a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done.  Discuss appropriate contraception and STD prevention. Discuss the anxiety, obsessions and ruminating. At 18, you should start looking after your physical and mental health as a young adult.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You need an appropriate evaluation and treatment if you want to feel better.

[Jibralta]

16 hours ago, Izzy23 said:

he told me that im jumping the gun and that he didn’t say we’re over but he just needs space.

I don't think you're jumping the gun. If I were in your shoes, I would conclude that this relationship is over and move on with my life. It doesn't matter what spin he tries to put on it. His behavior says it all.

[Andrina]

17 hours ago, Izzy23 said:

(i said that as i don’t want be some desperate anxious girl who waits the whole summer for him to finally call me as i have already experienced such pain with my ex

You are way too intense and instead of this being a relationship of mainly having fun together, you're mistakenly thinking you're bonding and growing closer by divulging your past trauma.

Work and college is stressful, so one would want to spend their little bit of leisure time with fun activities and lighthearted communication like "I love and miss you." Not like the pile of rocks you unloaded onto his chest, quoted below:

17 hours ago, Izzy23 said:

i also want to note that my anxious attachment has caused a few problems between us before as i kept comparing him to my highly avoidant ex and he’s expressed that it feels like i don’t listen to him at times as i keep repeating the same things over and over again (i do that when i’m anxious and i am searching for reassurance) but we were able to talk it out and get past it. 

I'd be running for the hills, too, if I were subjected to that.

Do you have any girlfriends and hobbies, or are you a a member of a college club? If not, I'd start getting fulfilled with those friendships and activities, while seeking therapy to ditch your unhealthy emotional baggage. You could also read books on the subject, and begin practicing skills to achieve that, since therapists usually have a long waiting list.

Do you feel the need to always have a bf in your life? I was that way myself in my teens, and I'd wished I'd allowed myself to learn who I was as a happy solo act for a good long while, since I ended up marrying too young to a guy who wasn't right for me. 

Good luck and find ways to enjoy your summer as a footloose and fancy free single.

[smackie9]

So what coping skills has your therapist taught you to use in times like this?

I suggest just sending him pictures, and light text messages even tho he doesn't respond. At least it will make you feel you are doing something. Then get busy yourself. Why not get a part-time/full-time job for the summer? Or volunteer, or take a few online courses, take up a hobby that can be done with a social group. Play tennis, pickle ball, go to the beach, hiking etc.