I 18F have been talking to this guy 20M since april so about 2 months now. we met at school and everything had been pretty great. it’s important to note that he is a secure attachment and i’m a very anxious attachment, deal with abandonment issues and struggle with major overthinking. i have really struggled with anxious attachment and it even caused problems with my last situationship as he was very avoidant and the relationship just took a toll on me emotionally as he wasn’t able to express anything to me. however when i met this guy i was so happy as everything from his communication to his love language is what i look for in a partner and makes me feel secure.
however, now that schools done and it’s summer he has ended up getting a full time summer research position with the university we attend. i’m going into my second year and he’s going into his fourth so he obviously has a lot more responsibilities and stress when it comes to school. (he’s also in biomedical science and i’m in political science so i don’t understand the stuff that goes on within his field so much). but everything was going great until he got that full time job. in the beginning he’d always want to see me as much i was available which made me so happy but also scared me as i was not used to that type of treatment from a guy. but lately he was calling less, not texting good morning and not as available as he was before. i was confused by it but i knew or at least chose to believe it was because of his job not me. he’s also not allowed to have his phone in the lab where he works.
he called me 2 weeks ago around midnight and i was so happy that he called me so we could just talk like normal but i could hear that he wasn’t home and he told me he actually had just left work. when i heard this my heart dropped and i had a feeling where the conversation was going to go. he told me he wanted to talk to me about something so i knew it wasn’t going to be our normal phone call where we would both fall asleep on the line. he expressed that he felt bad that i texted him the day before and he didn’t see until the next day as he was working and so tired later. he said that he used to have time during the week for us to see each other at least once a week but “for now” it won’t be possible as it’s a lot going on with this new summer research position and he also has to study at the same time for his deferred exams which he still doesn’t know exactly when they are (our university admin sucks at notifying students). he said that he “doesn’t want to just be another bad thing that happened to me but he wants be a good thing”; (i’ve opened up to him alot about my past traumas so i did appreciate him saying this.) therefore he needs space for at least the rest of the month to get his exams done and settle into his job; and for now the idea of us has to sit in the backseat.
when he said this i understood and i saw it coming so i was happy that he was honest and communicated this with me as waiting for him to call me and text me every night was getting very draining. i was very anxious that we were over even before this conversation but he said very reassuringly that we’re not over. however i did ask him about his loyalty to me during this space and he said “there’s 100% no other girl as he doesn’t even have time for other girls right now.” my anxiety was also rising so i also asked him how long of space does he need and he said he obviously can’t guarantee but these are the answers he can give me right now.
i told him i can’t wait for him the whole summer (i said that as i don’t want be some desperate anxious girl who waits the whole summer for him to finally call me as i have already experienced such pain with my ex). when i told him that he told me that im jumping the gun and that he didn’t say we’re over but he just needs space. i then could hear the stress in his voice as he said that it’s hasn’t even been a week and me bringing up that kind of break stuff isn’t helping either; all he’s asking for is space to do what he’s gotta do. so we eventually ended the conversation on a good note and he said we’d still talk and he’ll let me know the next time we can see each other. i told him i hope everything works out for him and he said goodnight.
that was june 6th and till this day i have not heard from him. at first i was actually enjoying the space as i was no more getting upset by the fact that he wasn’t contacting me since i knew that he was just busy and that it wasn’t me. i have also started going to weekly therapy again to deal with my anxious attachment and past traumas. but now i’m starting to get anxious and overthink the situation again but i also cant tell if my thoughts are valid ones.
i also want to note that my anxious attachment has caused a few problems between us before as i kept comparing him to my highly avoidant ex and he’s expressed that it feels like i don’t listen to him at times as i keep repeating the same things over and over again (i do that when i’m anxious and i am searching for reassurance) but we were able to talk it out and get past it.
but now i’m confused as i don’t know if he’s lying to me and he said all that to let me down easy. he always told me that if someone did something he didn’t like he would let them know before cutting them off but what if that was lies. it also doesent help when i search up “what to do when a guy needs space” for some sort of comfort and everyone is just saying that he is lying and no man is ever too busy to talk to you. a few friends have told me to text him and check on him. but i don’t want to as if i text him im mainly texting to see if he will reply to me (which i am aware is selfish of me and is why i haven’t texted). if he doesn’t reply within 2 days it’ll send me into an anxious overthinking spiral that he’s done with me and we’re over. i really want to see how he’s doing, i actually miss him a lot and i wish he would at least text me to check in on me. but i don’t want to contact him first as if i do that i feel that i have lost control in a sense. in the beginning he was chasing me and i tried my best to not trust him and get attached but now it feels like i’ll be chasing him. but i’m getting frustrated as now it feels like i’m waiting for him. when we go back to school in september we will end up seeing each other.
he’s healthily and clearly communicated that he needs space to focus on his exams and figure out his new job…but still i’m looking for reasons as to why he might be lying and also “guys lie all the time, there’s a big chance he’s just lying to me”. i don’t know if i should continue to give him his space while focusing on myself. if i should text and check in him or if i should just move on and assume things are over to protect myself.
I 18F have been talking to this guy 20M since april so about 2 months now. we met at school and everything had been pretty great. it’s important to note that he is a secure attachment and i’m a very anxious attachment, deal with abandonment issues and struggle with major overthinking. i have really struggled with anxious attachment and it even caused problems with my last situationship as he was very avoidant and the relationship just took a toll on me emotionally as he wasn’t able to express anything to me. however when i met this guy i was so happy as everything from his communication to his love language is what i look for in a partner and makes me feel secure. however, now that schools done and it’s summer he has ended up getting a full time summer research position with the university we attend. i’m going into my second year and he’s going into his fourth so he obviously has a lot more responsibilities and stress when it comes to school. (he’s also in biomedical science and i’m in political science so i don’t understand the stuff that goes on within his field so much). but everything was going great until he got that full time job. in the beginning he’d always want to see me as much i was available which made me so happy but also scared me as i was not used to that type of treatment from a guy. but lately he was calling less, not texting good morning and not as available as he was before. i was confused by it but i knew or at least chose to believe it was because of his job not me. he’s also not allowed to have his phone in the lab where he works. he called me 2 weeks ago around midnight and i was so happy that he called me so we could just talk like normal but i could hear that he wasn’t home and he told me he actually had just left work. when i heard this my heart dropped and i had a feeling where the conversation was going to go. he told me he wanted to talk to me about something so i knew it wasn’t going to be our normal phone call where we would both fall asleep on the line. he expressed that he felt bad that i texted him the day before and he didn’t see until the next day as he was working and so tired later. he said that he used to have time during the week for us to see each other at least once a week but “for now” it won’t be possible as it’s a lot going on with this new summer research position and he also has to study at the same time for his deferred exams which he still doesn’t know exactly when they are (our university admin sucks at notifying students). he said that he “doesn’t want to just be another bad thing that happened to me but he wants be a good thing”; (i’ve opened up to him alot about my past traumas so i did appreciate him saying this.) therefore he needs space for at least the rest of the month to get his exams done and settle into his job; and for now the idea of us has to sit in the backseat. when he said this i understood and i saw it coming so i was happy that he was honest and communicated this with me as waiting for him to call me and text me every night was getting very draining. i was very anxious that we were over even before this conversation but he said very reassuringly that we’re not over. however i did ask him about his loyalty to me during this space and he said “there’s 100% no other girl as he doesn’t even have time for other girls right now.” my anxiety was also rising so i also asked him how long of space does he need and he said he obviously can’t guarantee but these are the answers he can give me right now. i told him i can’t wait for him the whole summer (i said that as i don’t want be some desperate anxious girl who waits the whole summer for him to finally call me as i have already experienced such pain with my ex). when i told him that he told me that im jumping the gun and that he didn’t say we’re over but he just needs space. i then could hear the stress in his voice as he said that it’s hasn’t even been a week and me bringing up that kind of break stuff isn’t helping either; all he’s asking for is space to do what he’s gotta do. so we eventually ended the conversation on a good note and he said we’d still talk and he’ll let me know the next time we can see each other. i told him i hope everything works out for him and he said goodnight. that was june 6th and till this day i have not heard from him. at first i was actually enjoying the space as i was no more getting upset by the fact that he wasn’t contacting me since i knew that he was just busy and that it wasn’t me. i have also started going to weekly therapy again to deal with my anxious attachment and past traumas. but now i’m starting to get anxious and overthink the situation again but i also cant tell if my thoughts are valid ones. i also want to note that my anxious attachment has caused a few problems between us before as i kept comparing him to my highly avoidant ex and he’s expressed that it feels like i don’t listen to him at times as i keep repeating the same things over and over again (i do that when i’m anxious and i am searching for reassurance) but we were able to talk it out and get past it. but now i’m confused as i don’t know if he’s lying to me and he said all that to let me down easy. he always told me that if someone did something he didn’t like he would let them know before cutting them off but what if that was lies. it also doesent help when i search up “what to do when a guy needs space” for some sort of comfort and everyone is just saying that he is lying and no man is ever too busy to talk to you. a few friends have told me to text him and check on him. but i don’t want to as if i text him im mainly texting to see if he will reply to me (which i am aware is selfish of me and is why i haven’t texted). if he doesn’t reply within 2 days it’ll send me into an anxious overthinking spiral that he’s done with me and we’re over. i really want to see how he’s doing, i actually miss him a lot and i wish he would at least text me to check in on me. but i don’t want to contact him first as if i do that i feel that i have lost control in a sense. in the beginning he was chasing me and i tried my best to not trust him and get attached but now it feels like i’ll be chasing him. but i’m getting frustrated as now it feels like i’m waiting for him. when we go back to school in september we will end up seeing each other. he’s healthily and clearly communicated that he needs space to focus on his exams and figure out his new job…but still i’m looking for reasons as to why he might be lying and also “guys lie all the time, there’s a big chance he’s just lying to me”. i don’t know if i should continue to give him his space while focusing on myself. if i should text and check in him or if i should just move on and assume things are over to protect myself.