You either trust me or you don't

[Massey]

Hi everyone.

 

I love to get your feedback on the statement: You either trust me or you don't.

 

For some reason, it rubs me the wrong way and I'm not sure why. Having said that, I have spoken to a couple of  people that feel the same way as the statement. 

What is your take on the statement? 

 

[Seraphim]

In what context or relationship? 

[SooSad33]

This is the meaning of 'trust':

"firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something."

 

There's also the saying, Trust is earned.

I guess that is true too?  Is not like you just meet someone and know you can trust them?  One can often be weary of others.

Trust I guess is like a reassurance. You do feel you can depend on them or that you can approach them w/out concerns. Trust is in many area's of our life.

We trust that our neighbours won't cause a negative effect on us.

We trust that the person walking down the road won't harm us.

We trust that our partner is honest and loyal.

We trust that an employee is reliable.

So, isn't your statement unrealistic?  I'd say in time, sure, you can come to see you DO trust them. ( unless, for reason's they can't eg. they've got trust issue's due to their own experiences).

But, if trust is never present, then there's a real problem.. imo  😕 .

 

[smackie9]

That statement right there means you should be leaving the relationship. 

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here by saying I actually like that statement because it's true.  Either trust exists intuitively in your brain and based upon earned trust due to a person's integrity,  history and track record or there are seeds of doubt implanted within the deep recesses of your brain. 

I have people whom I trust if my very life depended on it and then there are a lot of people whom I would never risk trusting in a million years.  Sure,  I can have a superficial,  shallow rapport with those whom I don't trust but it doesn't mean the relationship will ever flourish beyond this point.  These are my unwavering,  steadfast,  enforced,  strict boundaries with certain people whom I'll never trust completely. 

 

[Batya33]

Depends on context. If said after I ask for a business transaction in writing to for the name of the manager in a bad customer service situation I’m walking away most likely or escalating it et .  If said by my son with reference to a request that is not age appropriate I tell him that’s not the point.  If said because I’m being too demanding where I should be taking someone at his word then I get it. 

[Massey]

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

In what context or relationship? 

Sorry, I should have been more clear. It's a 2 year relationship. 

A hypothetical situation came up and that was their reply. Nothing has actually happened to make me concerned that they are doing anything. 

They are basically saying that if there is no trust in a relationship (which for us has been built over the course of 2 years) then people shouldn't be in that relationship.... You either trust your partner or you don't. Assuming there are no red flags of course. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Massey said:

Sorry, I should have been more clear. It's a 2 year relationship. 

A hypothetical situation came up and that was their reply. Nothing has actually happened to make me concerned that they are doing anything. 

They are basically saying that if there is no trust in a relationship (which for us has been built over the course of 2 years) then people shouldn't be in that relationship.... You either trust your partner or you don't. Assuming there are no red flags of course. 

Absolutely if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship that stands to reason. 

[Massey]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

So, isn't your statement unrealistic?  I'd say in time, sure, you can come to see you DO trust them. ( unless, for reason's they can't eg. they've got trust issue's due to their own experiences).

But, if trust is never present, then there's a real problem.. imo  😕 .

Thank you. 

 

[Massey]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

That statement right there means you should be leaving the relationship. 

May I ask why you say that?

[Cherylyn]

9 minutes ago, Massey said:

Sorry, I should have been more clear. It's a 2 year relationship. 

A hypothetical situation came up and that was their reply. Nothing has actually happened to make me concerned that they are doing anything. 

They are basically saying that if there is no trust in a relationship (which for us has been built over the course of 2 years) then people shouldn't be in that relationship.... You either trust your partner or you don't. Assuming there are no red flags of course. 

If trust doesn't exist,  most relationships are either doomed for failure or dead.  ☹️

[bluecastle]

18 minutes ago, Massey said:

A hypothetical situation came up

What does this mean exactly? Did you bring up a hypothetical situation to him, involving the two of you and he got huffy, saying, “You either trust me or you don’t.”

 

[Batya33]

I think what he said is too broad. Yes without trust there’s no point to a serious romantic relationship.  I trust my husband on all the big and meaningful stuff.
 I don’t trust that he will change the lightbulbs in the bathroom this weekend even though he said he would.  I’m fine with knowing for stuff like that he has good intentions and doesn’t always do what he promises that are not emergencies or really important. And he’s often careful to say “I’ll do my best “ rather than an ironclad promise. 

[Cherylyn]

If trust applies to superficial stuff,  then it's petty.   If trust applies to more heavy duty context,  then of course,  it's very serious,  deserves attention and taking the next course of action accordingly. 

[spinstermanquee]

I can tell you this about trust:  nothing feels so good as to have the solid trust of your partner.  In my 25+ year relationship, I was given carte blanche.  My job has always involved heavy business travel and if I was a jerk I could have had (when I was a younger lass, haha) a side piece in every city I traveled to.  But my husband granted me this huge, solid trust, and there was nothing I would ever dare do to abuse or damage that trust... I value that so much from the beginning to now.

But that is only one aspect of relationship trust.  There is not just keeping one's vows, there is keeping one's word (promises), obligations (chores/duties/homework), having your partner's six (pitching in to protect them, looking out for danger), and so many more.  If you're a good match in most things then as someone above said, you can overlook the more minor lacks, hey no one is perfect.

Examples:  if my husband always paid the bills on time, was kind a good household task contributor, but cheated on me that would be a deal-breaker.

If he was faithful, kind, and a good household task contributor, but he couldn't manage to pay the bills on time, then I would take over that task.

YMMV.  Hugs!

[Big Stan]

I think you do need to trust your partner because that's the dividing line between friends and your spouse.  I trust my wife to have my best interest at heart 100% because that interest is also her interest as we are tied together.  That's what they mean by two become one, it's not that you lose your individuality it's that you agreed to look after another person as well as you look after yourself.  

 

[Cherylyn]

Trust is an enormous word in my book.  My husband always had my best interests at heart ever since we were dating.  (Same with some friends,  relatives and in-laws as well.)  I can lean on him.  He always has my back.  He is my staunchest ally forever. 

Trust makes or breaks all relationships and it's not only based upon fidelity either.  It's trust regarding discernment and a track record of how conversations and dialogues transpired. 

There are some people whom I don't trust because empathy simply is nonexistent and they're hopeless lost causes because God knows I've tried. 

To me,  the word trust encompasses so many facets of a relationship no matter who it is. 

[catfeeder]

On 5/26/2023 at 1:02 PM, Massey said:

You either trust me or you don't.

You've either earned my trust, or you haven't.

[Massey]

On 5/26/2023 at 4:52 PM, bluecastle said:

What does this mean exactly? Did you bring up a hypothetical situation to him, involving the two of you and he got huffy, saying, “You either trust me or you don’t.”

 

Yes, pretty much. 

[Cherylyn]

If anyone ever asked me in a huffy tone:  "You either trust me or you don't."   I'd lean towards "don't." 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, Massey said:

On 5/26/2023 at 4:52 PM,  bluecastle said: 

What does this mean exactly? Did you bring up a hypothetical situation to him, involving the two of you and he got huffy, saying, “You either trust me or you don’t.”

Yes, pretty much. 

Well, then BF has a point. If someone who's known me for 2 years used a hypothetical to question my trustworthiness, I'd view it as a statement of a lack of trust in me.

So, DO YOU actually trust this guy?

[Massey]

13 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Well, then BF has a point. If someone who's known me for 2 years used a hypothetical to question my trustworthiness, I'd view it as a statement of a lack of trust in me.

So, DO YOU actually trust this guy?

Honestly, I think my "issue" with trust in general is a 'me' thing. I have had relationships in the past where my partner was anything but trustworthy. Ironically, I trusted them....

He hasn't done anything for me to mistrust him. In fact, of you were to ask me, "What could he do to show you that you can trust him?"

My answer would be "nothing ". He already does everything that he could do. 

I just find the statement doesn't sit well with me, generally speaking. Even if a friend said that to me, I'd feel the same way. 

So, to answer your question, when it comes down to it, I do trust him. Sorry for the runaround answer 🙂

 

[Batya33]

56 minutes ago, Massey said:

Honestly, I think my "issue" with trust in general is a 'me' thing. I have had relationships in the past where my partner was anything but trustworthy. Ironically, I trusted them....

He hasn't done anything for me to mistrust him. In fact, of you were to ask me, "What could he do to show you that you can trust him?"

My answer would be "nothing ". He already does everything that he could do. 

I just find the statement doesn't sit well with me, generally speaking. Even if a friend said that to me, I'd feel the same way. 

So, to answer your question, when it comes down to it, I do trust him. Sorry for the runaround answer 🙂

 

Then why did you pose the hpyothetical?

[bluecastle]

58 minutes ago, Massey said:

I just find the statement doesn't sit well with me, generally speaking.

Understandable, in this context. I think what happened is your hypothetical didn't sit well with him—that he took is as a kind of veiled accusation—and he bit back a bit. 

Can you explain what this hypothetical was? 

Like, if my gf said something to me, out of nowhere along the lines of, "Hey, babe, I was wondering: If you were away on a trip, and if a woman started talking to you at a restaurant, would you tell her you were in a relationship or not?" what I would hear her saying is either "Babe, I don't trust you" or "Babe, I have some deep insecurities that don't have anything to do with you but rather than say that I'm going to weaponize them against you."

And I'd be annoyed. And could see myself saying, "You either trust me or you don't. Which is it?" 

[boltnrun]

And those who say "I've been cheated on before so I just want to be sure that never happens again" I'd say "Sorry about that. How about you get back to me when you've dropped that baggage into the trash?"