Husband feels distant...

[spinstermanquee]

Yep, take care of that fabulous Charlie.  So what, you let your shine dim a bit while you were busy taking care of others and sacrificing for future?  It's never too late for a little self care / boundary building / getting to know yourself better.  And if babes are in the cards for you two, being relaxed and satisfied with your own life may even contribute to making them!  You got this!

[Charlie1984]

@spinstermanquee 😢 You have me in tears. I am so grateful to you. 

[Andrina]

When you say "our friends," are these all male friends you two hang out with, or other couples, or single people of both genders?

Since he's changed by going out more often, and there is an unhealthy balance weighing too lightly on the time he spends with you, perhaps he feels the relationship is stale and he's trying to find some sort of fulfillment through that.

A tough spot for you, as if you tell him to stay home more often with you rather than going out with his friends, he might end up resenting you.

In your shoes, I might try shaking things up with new stuff you've never done before. You have a new apartment, so why not have friends over for a small dinner or lunch party, and make it a theme party, such as everyone has to wear a hat? 

See if he wants take a dance class with you, like salsa or tango, etc? 

If he's so social, and you're not, why can't you bend a little and do a little more in that area? And if he sees you making an effort, maybe a future conversation can be had about him bending too, about him cutting back a little for the health of your relationship. He might be more amenable if things start being a bit more fun with you two in your together time.

You should realize because you make him almost your entire world, and are lacking in your own friendship circle and a hobby, that he can feel quite smothered. Perhaps he's reacting to that feeling after so many years of it.

As for the chores, since cooking isn't working as his assignment, have him at least do his own laundry. He can't get away with not doing that, unless he's okay wearing smelly clothes. Don't be a doormat and do everything while he's having all the fun. I'd be concerned about how much he actually cares if he doesn't mind you being tired and also doing all the chores. That's what a mom for a tiny tot does--not what you should be doing when you have a grown man in the house.

Also, since you're saving for a house, what is his part in that since he spends money for a gym membership and is spending money on his regular outings with friends and family? How is he in handling finances?

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Charlie1984]

@Andrina Your imput is valuable. Funny part is when we got together and up until maybe like year 2 of marrage, I was the one who liked going out. Sporting events, clubs, lounges, group kareoke were all something I enjoyed, but didn't really get to do super often cause he liked us staying home and watching TV or just going to eat and then going home. In the last few years I have become more like that myself and now he wants to go out. And he has become very ney saying about things I throw out there to do.

I can't even consider seperating laundry and just doing mine. It feels sad. But yeah something's gotta give there. 

When we go out with friends it's usually some singles but other couples. I enjoy them, just not every weekend. 

We have joint everything so I am putting away. He does seem spendy latley. Great point and didn't realize that aspect until just now.

 

I sure will update. Thank you.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

@itsallgrand We only lived with her for 4.5 years. We had an apartment lined up and realized she needed a surgery 6 weeks after our wedding so we decided to stay short term, then thought to just save for a house, but the time we got to the point of buying, the pandemic hit and pushed the plans out longer. It will be 5 years for us in July married and 11 together. 

Hell, even that is becoming an issue. I talked to him about a vow renewal even if it's just a cheesy Vegas one, he has shown no interest so I scrapped the idea. 

For me personally 4.5 years would be incredibly long!  The first 7 years of our marriage involved my husband -only child-having to frequently fly back to our home town to help his aging parents. We lived in our hometown -in our own place -all summer the first five years so he then also spent a lot of time with them.  His mom died 4 years after we married and his dad 7. 

That was very hard and I loved my inlaws -can't imagine if we'd also been sharing living space. Wow.  That is a lot and your husband put up with a lot including during the pandemic.  I respect that you very much want to be a homeowner (I never had that desire and am thankful we don't live in a private house) but are you sure your husband wants that as badly as you?

I agree with putting in the effort and  taking on the responsibility to get a life -have you considered volunteer work?  I'm sorry you're upset about his acting distant. 

[Lambert]

Hey @Charlie1984 I was not trying to say you want your butt kissed. lol I'm sorry if my words didn't l come out right.  but my point was/is obviously you feel like what you're doing isn't working.  so flip it.  What is his perspective?

We can't change others we can only change ourselves.  You can't keep doing the same things expecting different results. 

Ok you were extremely hurt. Why didn't he understand that?  

Try to see where he is coming from. instead of saying how you feel over and over, ask more questions about his feelings. get to the crux of why he's not sharing more of himself romantically, time wise, making the relationship a priority.

Once you understand what you're dealing with you can make better decisions and choices. 

Healthy, happy relationship take a lot of talking, sharing, understanding the other person's needs. Also a lot of forgiveness. 

I'm not saying your needs are less important but you have to be able to accept more than one truth. yours and his to find solutions together.

[Charlie1984]

@Batya33 He is the one who says he doesn't want to pay anyone else's mortgage by renting too long. I mean sure I would love to be a home owner but I have never been as vocal about it as him. 

I am going to have to shake it up and do something different for sure. I feel like in trying to be the best wife I lost aspects of myself along the way. 

[Charlie1984]

@Lambert I know how you meant it,  I didn't take it bad at all. I was just using your words to express that I wasn't aiming for that at all. 

The shift has made talking and communicating harder than it's ever been. But I need to just act like an adult and do it, even if I don't like what I am hearing. Also, need to head everyone's advise and do some things for myself. The waiting by the door image you all are getting is accurate and I feel pathetic. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Charlie1984 said:

@Batya33 He is the one who says he doesn't want to pay anyone else's mortgage by renting too long. I mean sure I would love to be a home owner but I have never been as vocal about it as him. 

I am going to have to shake it up and do something different for sure. I feel like in trying to be the best wife I lost aspects of myself along the way. 

But that's the opposite of being the best wife! That's being a martyr.  As I've recommended in the past watch the movie the Joy Luck Club- one of the married couples sounds  a lot like your approach.  

It sounds like the 4.5 years took a real toll on him and he wants space right now. 

[Charlie1984]

Just now, Batya33 said:

It sounds like the 4.5 years took a real toll on him and he wants space right now. 

@Batya33 This line hit hard. I think you're right. 

I don't know how to give him space. He's the most important person in my life and I just can't understand how he can see me hurting and asking for more time and not find it in their heart to either speak freely on how they feel or try and lift that person even just a little. I don't even feel like I was even thrown a bone last night. Felt more of the same and I needed to take a number. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Charlie1984 said:

@Batya33 This line hit hard. I think you're right. 

I don't know how to give him space. He's the most important person in my life and I just can't understand how he can see me hurting and asking for more time and not find it in their heart to either speak freely on how they feel or try and lift that person even just a little. I don't even feel like I was even thrown a bone last night. Felt more of the same and I needed to take a number. 

What do you mean you don't know how -you mean you know how but it's hard to do it, right? For now his job is not to lift you.  Or throw you a bone.  He's fried it seems.  Today I wanted to text my husband a version of an I told you so text. It was a really stressful day with our son.  And at that moment he was with our son and I was feeling upset and angry about the situation. 

As I have done many times I showed restraint . I paused and realized texting him right then in the middle of the drama would serve no purpose except my venting.  So I didn't. Later I learned that had I done so it would have not been a good look because of what got resolved in my absence. This is part of a relationship.  To me.  It's hard it requires restraint, not acting on impulse, resisting the "I told you so" type of barb.  

So giving him space is simple if not easy.  You simply -do it -you live your own life and let him come to you.  

[Lambert]

40 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

@Lambert I know how you meant it,  I didn't take it bad at all. I was just using your words to express that I wasn't aiming for that at all. 

The shift has made talking and communicating harder than it's ever been. But I need to just act like an adult and do it, even if I don't like what I am hearing. Also, need to head everyone's advise and do some things for myself. The waiting by the door image you all are getting is accurate and I feel pathetic. 

You might not want to hear it but it's more reasonable to accept problems do happen and try to fix, than to expect there won't be problems. 

Watch fried green tomatoes. Kathy Bates starts out an unhappy house wife. By chance she makes a new friend. She starts eating better, gets a new job becomes happier just for herself.  Its a great movie. .  Maybe you don't need all that but maybe join a book club, take a class or some volunteer work would do you some good.

Some times we get stuck in a rut. It sounds like hubs realizes it, too. Hence wanting to get out more. 

You might not enjoy your in laws but maybe suck it up.  Go and be super fun with your husband. Do the unexpected. 

You wanna have fun with him, make it happen where ever you guys are.  Even if it's just a few minutes a day of relaxing.

Blow off the chores if he isn't doing any either. 

 

[Charlie1984]

@Batya33 I’m not understanding how someone can be friend that seems to be so energized to go out so much. 

[Volio]

Sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think anything you want is unreasonable. For what it’s worth, I have similar feelings of loneliness and distance with my wife, except I’m out all day, and when I get home, she’s not interested in being around me. You can physically be around someone but still be lonely.

I’m guessing your husband is burnt out from living with you mom so long and is taking advantage of the independence. I would let him have it while also expressing your interest in being closer to him. Don’t antagonize him or be snippy like you described that one time. That’ll just reinforce his desire to go out on his own. He should be willing to listen to your needs if you’re direct and civil with them.

Maybe you could suggest doing things he’s interested in without being too insistent. I have certain activities that I like doing on my own, but I have other activities I would be happy to do with my wife if she was interested, and I would be flattered if she suggested these things. As others said, I’d also find something you’re really into without him.

Good luck. I hope you can reconnect and close the distance between you.

[LootieTootie]

Have you thought about going to the gym with him? The gym is self-care and might be good for you to release all those endorphins.

 

[MissCanuck]

Have you asked him if he still wants to be married? 

A big and difficult question, yes. But his drifting away might be the sign of something deeper going on that hasn't come to the surface yet. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Have you thought about going to the gym with him? The gym is self-care and might be good for you to release all those endorphins.

 

I literally visited this thread to say this -you beat me to it and I'm glad -I totally agree!!

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

@Batya33 I’m not understanding how someone can be friend that seems to be so energized to go out so much. 

How can you say you're his friend or partner when you're not energized to step up and see your inlaws? Did you maybe ignore the signs that over the 4.5 years he shared living space with your mother he was getting more and more stressed? 

Yesterday my husband and I took a brisk mile walk in the sunshine to our son's graduation ceremony.  We exercise at different times of day and that's unlikely to change but I realize that it's great to do these walks with him - it was really nice and he and I both like noticing how gorgeous our city park is etc.  It's bonding.  Also even though I in particular was stressed about graduation being with him and in the sunshine helped so much.  I highly recommend it.

[Tinydance]

I've only skim read all the comments so sorry if I missed any information. How long have you been with your husband? He sounds like an outgoing person from the way you described him. Was he always outgoing and you were a homebody? Or did things change recently? How much time would you say your husband spends doing his own hobbies or with other people compared to spending time with you?

The thing is in a relationship it's important to have your own life, friends, hobbies and interests. There are actually people who just ditch their friends when they're in a relationship and then if they break up, they have no friends! I have friends I've been very close to for 22 years and that's because I never forgot about my friends when I was in relationships. I think it's fine for your husband to do all those things but I guess he shouldn't be doing them more than spending time with you. He should spend either equal amount of time or more time on you.

I can kind of relate to your husband because I'm very outgoing myself and I would find it difficult to just stay at home most of the time. Most of my partners weren't as outgoing as I. So sometimes they didn't join me with my friends or what I was doing but they were actually happy doing their own thing as well.

I think if you're invited to join your husband with his family or your mutual friends, he does make an effort. If you don't want to join them that's up to you. But you can't really tell your husband he can't see his family just because you don't particularly like them. 

You mentioned that you don't have many friends. So maybe it's a good idea for you to expand your friendship circle and also do things you enjoy.

[Big Stan]

18 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

@redswim30 His family are leechey. If we pay, they are down, if not, then the agenda goes no where. Also, they have never been warm towards me and that's putting it mildly. I am just not one of those woman who will keep him away, I know God wouldn't want me to do that. I know there is a lot to the situation and I am grateful that he good to my Mom, but she has been really receptive to him since day one. She sent me something on instragram that says "Of all my kids, my son-in-law is my favorite". So the family dynamic very a lot. 

I agree with what you say a lot and am thankful you took the time to outline it like that. 

There are two sides to every story and the fact that you speak so negatively about his family is a red flag to me that you might not be treating them very well.  Not getting along is usually a two way street and I'm sure it bothers your husband that you don't get along with his family the way you say he gets along with yours. 

I think you need to work on things YOU can do to repair that relationship. 

[Charlie1984]

@Volio Thank you so much for your kind, warm and thoughful response. "You can physically be around someone but still be lonely." I know this all too well. And I am deeply sorry you're going through this too. As I pray on my own issues, I will pray for your's too. 

@MissCanuck I did ask and he does.

@LootieTootie @Batya33 I was going with him to the gym for a while, then when our friend came back to town as a result of his separation now divorce, I got cast aside. I was going with them for a little bit, but stopped when we moved and now due to our work schedules can't make it on time anymore. I will start going independently as part of my new "Doing things on my own" chapter.

@Tinydance We have swapped recently. I used to be the one dragging him places for years and years, now the rolls have flipped. I am not opposed to going out, I like it. I just don't want to always be going out and it would be nice to just spend time at home together. We have been married almost 5 years, together 11 years.

@Big Stan You're right about there being two sides to every story, but if you were to talk to my in-laws or former in-laws (people who married into my husband's family) we all have the same story. So I will not go out of my way for people who have dragged me and others on numerous occasions, said cruel and unneccesary things to me and were mean and rude to my Mother. I don't keep him away becuase God doesn't want me to do that, but I also know I don't have to put myself in uncomfortable situations to make him happy, and that is what my husband has told me. He is grateful I don't see it bad or disloyal for him to go spend time with them and I have been there with him on occasion too, so I do try. I know everyone on here works without every detail, but as far as this is concerned, I am confident that I do the right thing. 

@spinstermanquee  @Lambert  @Andrina

 

UPDATE: My husband and I talked last night, for a long time. We did hit a rough patch. We hit it and then failed to communicate about it. We both came out of the conversation lighter. It's going to take a lot more than one conversation, but it was a great start. He expressed and reexpressed some feelings he had to me about things that both had to do with me and things that did not. He said he felt heard and I feel heard too. We agreed to set at least one weekend a month to devote to each other and not to use other weekends of the month for back to back outtings, meaning 1 day off a week is reserved for each other. I am going to start going to our primary gym on my own and he can continue to go with his friend to our secondary gym and the goal is the get home about the same time. He agreed that he dropped the ball and will begin cooking more for us and I even offered to be his sous chef. Everything right now looks bright and I look forward to better days. I will continue to update. 

 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for your time and insight. 🥰

[Lambert]

good news! keep posting. it's good to vent and also read what other's deal with.  I know it helps me think about things differently. And you will help someone else! 

 

[Big Stan]

38 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

@Volio Thank you so much for your kind, warm and thoughful response. "You can physically be around someone but still be lonely." I know this all too well. And I am deeply sorry you're going through this too. As I pray on my own issues, I will pray for your's too. 

@MissCanuck I did ask and he does.

@LootieTootie @Batya33 I was going with him to the gym for a while, then when our friend came back to town as a result of his separation now divorce, I got cast aside. I was going with them for a little bit, but stopped when we moved and now due to our work schedules can't make it on time anymore. I will start going independently as part of my new "Doing things on my own" chapter.

@Tinydance We have swapped recently. I used to be the one dragging him places for years and years, now the rolls have flipped. I am not opposed to going out, I like it. I just don't want to always be going out and it would be nice to just spend time at home together. We have been married almost 5 years, together 11 years.

@Big Stan You're right about there being two sides to every story, but if you were to talk to my in-laws or former in-laws (people who married into my husband's family) we all have the same story. So I will not go out of my way for people who have dragged me and others on numerous occasions, said cruel and unneccesary things to me and were mean and rude to my Mother. I don't keep him away becuase God doesn't want me to do that, but I also know I don't have to put myself in uncomfortable situations to make him happy, and that is what my husband has told me. He is grateful I don't see it bad or disloyal for him to go spend time with them and I have been there with him on occasion too, so I do try. I know everyone on here works without every detail, but as far as this is concerned, I am confident that I do the right thing. 

@spinstermanquee  @Lambert  @Andrina

 

UPDATE: My husband and I talked last night, for a long time. We did hit a rough patch. We hit it and then failed to communicate about it. We both came out of the conversation lighter. It's going to take a lot more than one conversation, but it was a great start. He expressed and reexpressed some feelings he had to me about things that both had to do with me and things that did not. He said he felt heard and I feel heard too. We agreed to set at least one weekend a month to devote to each other and not to use other weekends of the month for back to back outtings, meaning 1 day off a week is reserved for each other. I am going to start going to our primary gym on my own and he can continue to go with his friend to our secondary gym and the goal is the get home about the same time. He agreed that he dropped the ball and will begin cooking more for us and I even offered to be his sous chef. Everything right now looks bright and I look forward to better days. I will continue to update. 

 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for your time and insight. 🥰

Yup you’re right that I don’t know your in laws and some are certainly better than others. I’m glad you and your husband found a resolution 

[spinstermanquee]

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

And you will help someone else!

^^ I love this!  Charlie, you probably already have helped someone else!  There are tons of lurkers on the boards that read about a similar situation and use the advice to improve theirs.

Hugs to you and keep workin' it, let yourself shine 🙂

❤️

 

[catfeeder]

Thank you for the update, and I'm so glad that you're both happy with your conversation and feel heard and aligned with your goals. 

By chance I heard a podcast where two things stood out as possibly applicable.

First the self-care, friend-making and finding some independent hobbies. These aren't all about passing the time while waiting for husband, but rather, they keep each of us the opposite of isolated. Isolated people can become not just bored, but boring to be around. New pursuits will give you things to get excited about and share with your husband. This will also relieve him of feeling pressured to be your whole world.

Second, frequent dating with other couples is a huge benefit to couples. It gives you novel experiences and people in common to get excited about, but it also shows the best qualities of each of you off to your own partner. As in, you both plug into the kind of fabulousness 'for' others that can remind you both of what you saw in one another when you were first dating. This is the kind of stuff that can turn stale if your together time is only focused on the two of you.

I hope you'll revisit with more good news! EnjOy!