She left me for her abusive ex boyfriend

[Lion99]

I(34m) met her (34f) last year at work. She came into my office frequently and we had chemistry. However, I had heard she had a boyfriend of 6 years who she lived with. I made sure not to flirt with her or do anything inappropriate. She kept coming into my office to talk, and it got to the point that she told me personal life stories. Eventually, she told me that they broke up and he has anger issues. 

She told me that she had feelings for me and eventually told me that she loved me. I knew it was a red flag, but I was in a really vulnerable place after being habitually single for so long, so i told her i loved her too. However, I told her it couldn't work because she still lived with him and hadn't taken time to heal. She agreed, but kept pursuing me. She got my phone number from a co-worker and it just escalated from there. 

She started love bombing me and talking to me all the time via phone and at work. She was hiding all of this from him. She said she was over him, that she didn't love him anymore, and even his scent turned her off. She also said the intimacy wasn't good and they hadn't had sex in 2 months. They had another post breakup fight one night, where he threatened suicide because of the breakup. She didn't feel safe, and asked if she could stay with me. I was hesitant, but I obliged because I cared about her.

She came over that night and we became a couple. While she was living with me, he threatened to stalk her, emotionally blackmailed her, and was calling/texting her constantly. I told her I thought it was strange that she wanted him to admit all the trauma he caused her, being that she said she was over him. Her seeking validation from him post breakup was another red flag.

After 2 weeks of living at my apartment, she said she wanted to go back and be with her 4 pets and in her own house. I told her if she goes back, it's a deal breaker. She went back and I was devastated. Once she got back she told me, she's still loyal to me and she's sleeping in the guest bedroom. For the next 6 months I was in a relationship with her, while she lived with her freaking ex. She kept trying to leave, but said she felt stuck. She ALWAYS said it wasn't about him, it was the logistics of moving and selling the house that overwhelmed her. I always called bs on that.

It caused a lot of drama because of course I was insecure that something was going on. However, she was very transparent and was texting/calling me frequently so I wouldn't assume the worst. Another problem was she hid our relationship from him the whole time. I told her I didn't appreciate that and she always responded that it's none of his business.

She did try to kick him out a couple of times, but he would have a breakdown and she said she felt numb to the trauma of it all. We both got deployed to work out of town, and during that time she told me she was depressed and fearful of everything. I was lashing out in unhealthy ways myself, because she put up crazy boundaries that I had to adhere to while she couldn't even respect my one boundary of getting away from their living situation.

We finally decided on a date where she would kick him out once and for all, and when that day came she broke up with me and said she wanted space while she went to therapy. She said she wanted me to give her another chance when she got her mind right. I was so upset, the next day I did the worst thing I've ever done. I called her ex and told him that she was sleeping with me behind his back. I guess I just panicked and felt so used. Apparently, he threw her phone in the swamp behind their house.

Everyone always tells me how kind I am but obviously I'm no angel and I know I messed up. I just felt so used being the nice guy archetype. She went NC, and after 6 weeks I reached out to her but she didn't want to talk. I finally had the talk with her a month ago, and she told me they are back together. She said after I did what I did, she was in a really low place, and he was there for her. She said hes doing better,they're both going to therapy and they're trauma bonded. I've been so heartbroken about it, so I just came here for advice. I did pour my heart and apologize for hurting her. I started going to therapy for the first time in my life over this.Did she even love me?

She constantly said she wanted to marry me and have kids but I feel like I got catfished. She's actually a sweet and sensitive girl which makes it more confusing. I know she grew up with ***ty parents and maybe that's why abusive relationships attracts her. Will their relationship work out with tons of therapy? I have a hard time believing that he can fix his abusive patterns so quickly.It's a crazy feeling because I would never take her back but part of me just wants to vent to her on how she hurt me.

[Batya33]

Given what you chose to do and what the consequences were I'd stay completely away from her and her boyfriend -particularly since he might want to hurt you as well.  It's normal to want to vent.  Don't act on it -it's not worth the risks.  I'm sorry you're disappointed!

[Lion99]

You're absolutely right. In fact, he did threaten to hurt me and got really racist as well. She said she had to stop him from trying to find me. My therapist told me that she manipulated me the whole time. I don't think it's that simple. I don't think she had sinister intentions but I guess a trauma bond is something hard to break out of.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Lion99 said:

You're absolutely right. In fact, he did threaten to hurt me and got really racist as well. She said she had to stop him from trying to find me. My therapist told me that she manipulated me the whole time. I don't think it's that simple. I don't think she had sinister intentions but I guess a trauma bond is something hard to break out of.

Please don't play at being a therapist.  It's irrelevant. Just stay away and stay safe.

[spinstermanquee]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd stay completely away from her and her boyfriend

Sound advice.  Unless you're willing and eager to eat a big ole slice of regret pie... which you don't deserve.  You deserve an even, balanced person with their own career, interests, friends, etc.  Please don't sign on for a renovation project, they never seem to turn out right (with people, anyways).  Houses?  Absolutely!  Big hugs to you, Lion, you got this.

[Lion99]

1 minute ago, spinstermanquee said:

Sound advice.  Unless you're willing and eager to eat a big ole slice of regret pie... which you don't deserve.  You deserve an even, balanced person with their own career, interests, friends, etc.  Please don't sign on for a renovation project, they never seem to turn out right (with people, anyways).  Houses?  Absolutely!  Big hugs to the Lion, you got this.

Thank you so much! It hurts a lot and I know I deserve more. I'm trying to get away from my obsessive and negative thoughts. My therapist is trying to help build my self esteem back up. I try to avoid her at work whenever I see her, and i requested that we only communicate via work email for work purposes.

[spinstermanquee]

15 minutes ago, Lion99 said:

to get away from my obsessive and negative thoughts

One of the forum pillars on this board, (think it was @Seraphim ?) recently mentioned EMDR treatment.  I don't think I chimed in there but I've just started doing it to process some REALLY old trauma.  Don't completely understand it yet but as it was explained to me is reprogramming associations with that / those traumas to neutral territory so eventually in future - you flash back to that memory but it produces no affect.  You also get to (bonus!) recreate or invent your happy most serene place as a toolbox thing to pull yourself into an operational state if you get triggered.

Now, if any other forum member can offer a better and more relatable explanation of it, paging @Seraphim I would be most grateful for the edification  -total emdr newb Spin

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, Lion99 said:

 

I know she grew up with ***ty parents and maybe that's why abusive relationships attracts her. Will their relationship work out with tons of therapy?

You willingly got entangled in this.  What exactly attracted you to this mess?

I only say this so you'll take a look at your own actions.  Instead of looking at them and asking questions, get curious about why you chose to get into a toxic triangle.  

I think most people would cross the street if they saw this coming.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Lion99 said:

After 2 weeks of living at my apartment, she said she wanted to go back and be with her 4 pets and in her own house. I told her if she goes back, it's a deal breaker. She went back and I was devastated. Once she got back she told me, she's still loyal to me and she's sleeping in the guest bedroom. For the next 6 months I was in a relationship with her, while she lived with her freaking ex. She kept trying to leave, but said she felt stuck. She ALWAYS said it wasn't about him, it was the logistics of moving and selling the house that overwhelmed her. I always called bs on that.

Okay, but you knew all about them, right from the start.  And you chose to remain involved with her, despite the red flags 😕 .

 

4 hours ago, Lion99 said:

She told me that she had feelings for me and eventually told me that she loved me. I knew it was a red flag, but I was in a really vulnerable place after being habitually single for so long, so i told her i loved her too.

Did she love you? I think you know the answer to that ... 😕 . ( how could she love another man when she's still fully into another?).

 

4 hours ago, Lion99 said:

Will their relationship work out with tons of therapy? I have a hard time believing that he can fix his abusive patterns so quickly.It's a crazy feeling because I would never take her back but part of me just wants to vent to her on how she hurt me.

It doesn't matter how their relationship will pan out.  What matters is YOU now keep your distance!

This is an unstable, unhealthy relationship and they are suffering - as you mentioned 'trauma bonded'.  Will be up to them to figure their stuff out, on their own.

And when or if they do end up splitting up for good someday, she best be on her own for a good while to work through all she had experienced.

So, keep your distance and expect nothing! 

I know you'd like to 'vent' at her, but don't.  Is hard enough, she's a co worker 😕 .  Vent it out other ways, get out there for some air, take walks, get into a sport and journal or something.  Say all you want to say to her on paper or Wordpad. - So, you can also work through your emotions and get over this.

 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Don't completely understand it yet but as it was explained to me is reprogramming associations with that / those traumas to neutral territory so eventually in future - you flash back to that memory but it produces no affect.  You also get to (bonus!) recreate or invent your happy most serene place as a toolbox thing to pull yourself into an operational state if you get triggered.

EMDR can work on occasion, if you're able or willing.  I've done it and apparently I 'had a wall up' and I never got anywhere with all of that 😕 .

Everyone's different. And at times, sure it may work, but also may not.  It goes with everything else offered out there. - Is good he's at least started therapy. I had to seek therapy for a good cpl years, after a severe negative response with a guy who was bipolar, he set off a number or triggers for me.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Lion99 said:

. My therapist is trying to help build my self esteem back up. I try to avoid her at work whenever I see her, and i requested that we only communicate via work email for work purposes.

This is the best place to start. Hopefully you'll be able to unpack and sort out what kind of place you were in to go down this dark road. 

No one in this situation is a victim. Unfortunately it was a series of bad choices in a very toxic triangle. 

All you can do is delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Only interact professionally.

With therapy, insight and understanding what lead to this, you can turn your life around and make better decisions. Every makes mistakes so put all this behind you and resolve to change course.

[Lion99]

45 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, but you knew all about them, right from the start.  And you chose to remain involved with her, despite the red flags 😕 .

 

Did she love you? I think you know the answer to that ... 😕 . ( how could she love another man when she's still fully into another?).

 

It doesn't matter how their relationship will pan out.  What matters is YOU now keep your distance!

This is an unstable, unhealthy relationship and they are suffering - as you mentioned 'trauma bonded'.  Will be up to them to figure their stuff out, on their own.

And when or if they do end up splitting up for good someday, she best be on her own for a good while to work through all she had experienced.

So, keep your distance and expect nothing! 

I know you'd like to 'vent' at her, but don't.  Is hard enough, she's a co worker 😕 .  Vent it out other ways, get out there for some air, take walks, get into a sport and journal or something.  Say all you want to say to her on paper or Wordpad. - So, you can also work through your emotions and get over this.

 

She kept telling me she was ready and i took a leap of faith. I was hesitant but I didn't stick to my gut feeling. She always claimed she didn't love him. She claimed she loved me and wanted to marry me. I guess maybe it was an infatuation? Idk.

[Lion99]

3 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

You willingly got entangled in this.  What exactly attracted you to this mess?

I only say this so you'll take a look at your own actions.  Instead of looking at them and asking questions, get curious about why you chose to get into a toxic triangle.  

I think most people would cross the street if they saw this coming.

Because I fell in love with her. I believed her and what she was telling me. It just became obvious at some point that her words didn't align with her actions. But she framed it as she was afraid instead of indecivenes.

[SooSad33]

27 minutes ago, Lion99 said:

She kept telling me she was ready and i took a leap of faith. I was hesitant but I didn't stick to my gut feeling. She always claimed she didn't love him. She claimed she loved me and wanted to marry me. I guess maybe it was an infatuation? Idk.

Yeah, I'd say so.

No one falls 'in love' that quickly, at least not after a toxic long term relationship. 😕 

You met this girl at your work a year ago?  And took her on.  The thing is, SHE is selfish.  She knew darn well she couldn't do it.  She knew what state she was in and that she wasn't over all she'd been through!

I am assuming you've been single a good while and you did feel ready- but in ways insecure.  Yeah, she took you for a ride. A terrible one.

Let this be a lesson for you.  Anyone who recently comes out of a LTR and says they 'love you', want to marry etc.. is all crap.  In no way did anyone have 'true feelings' in this.  Neither one of you had a chance to get to know each other the right way.  ( and look up meaning of a 'rebound'.. yah, it can hurt & mess you up even more). 😕 .

Anyways, stay away from her.  She's got way too much going on in her life. And she needs to realize on her own he is toxic.  Some people remain with their toxic partners because they are emotionally invested and unstable.  This is no place for you to be. 😉 

Take care of YOU. Focus on you and move on with your life.  Heal from this experience and I believe you will come to meet someone someday who is not in such a situation and can give you what you deserve, whole heartedly.

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

She left me for her abusive ex boyfriend

Not really surprising. You deserve what you tolerate.

She lived with another man while you were "in a relationship" with her. What did you expect that was going on there and what did you expect it would happen?

I read something a while ago. The reason we are accepting bad behaviors from romantic partners is because nobody else would tolerate things like that. Anybody else with a little more self-esteem would realize what was going on and sent her to the streets where she belongs. But noooo, you took somebody who is already in a relationship and developed a full "white knight syndrome" where you are "destined to help her". Wouldnt even be surprised that you did help her financially during it so that is why you feel "catfished". And now you are wondering why she left you for a abusive boyfriend. One, she never was with you, two, you tolerated trash and in the end trash overwhelmed you. You need to be aware of your own behavior and fix that. Otherwise some next trash would come along and act similarly. Because even she would know that you tolerate bad behavior like this.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Lion99 said:

She kept telling me she was ready and i took a leap of faith. I was hesitant but I didn't stick to my gut feeling. She always claimed she didn't love him. She claimed she loved me and wanted to marry me. I guess maybe it was an infatuation? Idk.

Leap of faith simply is not a healthful excuse to tell yourself in this situation or you will repeat it -you're lucky you're not physically injured or worse. What leap was involved in calling her violent ex with the news you were having sex  with his partner?  I'd reevaluate how you take leaps.

[Seraphim]

11 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

One of the forum pillars on this board, (think it was @Seraphim ?) recently mentioned EMDR treatment.  I don't think I chimed in there but I've just started doing it to process some REALLY old trauma.  Don't completely understand it yet but as it was explained to me is reprogramming associations with that / those traumas to neutral territory so eventually in future - you flash back to that memory but it produces no affect.  You also get to (bonus!) recreate or invent your happy most serene place as a toolbox thing to pull yourself into an operational state if you get triggered.

Now, if any other forum member can offer a better and more relatable explanation of it, paging @Seraphim I would be most grateful for the edification  -total emdr newb Spin

I can explain it after work today. About to start work have to hit the shower . Went to sleep about 4 hours early as well last night . 
 

Thanks for the shout out . 

[Lion99]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Not really surprising. You deserve what you tolerate.

She lived with another man while you were "in a relationship" with her. What did you expect that was going on there and what did you expect it would happen?

I read something a while ago. The reason we are accepting bad behaviors from romantic partners is because nobody else would tolerate things like that. Anybody else with a little more self-esteem would realize what was going on and sent her to the streets where she belongs. But noooo, you took somebody who is already in a relationship and developed a full "white knight syndrome" where you are "destined to help her". Wouldnt even be surprised that you did help her financially during it so that is why you feel "catfished". And now you are wondering why she left you for a abusive boyfriend. One, she never was with you, two, you tolerated trash and in the end trash overwhelmed you. You need to be aware of your own behavior and fix that. Otherwise some next trash would come along and act similarly. Because even she would know that you tolerate bad behavior like this.

I definitely didn't help her financially. She makes more money than me lol. She's very intelligent which is why I thought she was thinking rationally. She claimed she was over him before their relationship ended. In hindsight, that was not the case.

[smackie9]

Total rebound. She was looking for an escape and that was you. She was too thirsty and was willing to do and say anything to get to that place of security. She got high on that dopamine which made her think this was it, thinking she was in love, things are going to be great, etc. She was fooling herself, and so were you. The ex pulled back to reality. It happens. They always go back because they had invested so much, and truly want things to work out. You are an outsider, she will always feel obligated to her ex. She's intelligent, but emotionally is messed up. Never ever date anyone that is fresh out of a relationship especially an abusive one. 

[Lion99]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Leap of faith simply is not a healthful excuse to tell yourself in this situation or you will repeat it -you're lucky you're not physically injured or worse. What leap was involved in calling her violent ex with the news you were having sex  with his partner?  I'd reevaluate how you take leaps.

I didn't know he was violent and she downplayed many of his behaviors. I had no experience with abusive relationships. Of course, I've read up on it since then. Thanks for your input. 

[Lion99]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Total rebound. She was looking for an escape and that was you. She was too thirsty and was willing to do and say anything to get to that place of security. She got high on that dopamine which made her think this was it, thinking she was in love, things are going to be great, etc. She was fooling herself, and so were you. The ex pulled back to reality. It happens. They always go back because they had invested so much, and truly want things to work out. You are an outsider, she will always feel obligated to her ex. She's intelligent, but emotionally is messed up. Never ever date anyone that is fresh out of a relationship especially an abusive one. 

Yeah you're right. I just feel so used. I don't trust people easily, so I'm trying to wrap my head around how I knocked down so many of my boundaries for her.

[SooSad33]

49 minutes ago, Lion99 said:

Yeah you're right. I just feel so used. I don't trust people easily, so I'm trying to wrap my head around how I knocked down so many of my boundaries for her.

Well, she pulled you into her whirlwind, didn't she?

Since you don't trust people easily, this for one, was one you surely need to avoid.  But, this is also how we learn.

 

[boltnrun]

You said she had a poor upbringing and you presume that's why she's attracted to toxic abuse, but why are YOU attracted to toxicity? You saw it clearly but chose to ignore glaring, blaring neon signs and went back on EVERY "deal breaker" you gave her. 

I hope you can explore and resolve this with your therapist.  

[Lion99]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said she had a poor upbringing and you presume that's why she's attracted to toxic abuse, but why are YOU attracted to toxicity? You saw it clearly but chose to ignore glaring, blaring neon signs and went back on EVERY "deal breaker" you gave her. 

I hope you can explore and resolve this with your therapist.  

Because despite her upbringing and quirks, she was a sweet and sensitive girl. She was also kind and intelligent. She had qualities that I really admired and I didn't see a toxic person, I saw someone who was afraid of consequences. She even helped me get a higher paying position and took care of me when I had covid. I guess it's just not so black and white. But yes I should have stuck to the dealbreakers and shouldn't have been afraid to let go. I don't have much relationship experience so this was a great but painful lesson.

[boltnrun]

In some cases it IS "black and white". She showed you clearly who she was.

But...wanting desperately to believe something can have an extremely powerful effect on our behaviors. Even when it's bad for us. 

I'm sorry you went through this, but hopefully you'll find tools to ensure it never happens again. 

And keep her out of your life. Otherwise you risk being pulled back in and that could have life altering consequences.