what's your thought

[holdback]

Hi, help me to understand and advice, if you were in my shoes, what will you do in this situation.

I have an older sister and we look alike. She got married. We lived under one roof (me,sister,brother in law and a housemate).

Everything was okay until one day i said to my brother in law that i have done stuff with my ex while we were talking and i think i was a bit drunk that night.

Since then, he tried to hack into my ex's computer and found out about my naked photos. He deleted them from my ex's computer but he kept them. He did not tell me about this until maybe years later. He said he was traumatized to see his sister in law's behaviour different than what he was seeing in front of his eyes. And since this happened, sometimes he sees me not as a little sister anymore. 

He tried putting a hidden camera in my shower. At first, i asked and got a weird answer and i felt uneasy but eventually ignored it.

One day,i discovered the hidden camera again. I told my parents and my sister about this. 

He told me that i should not have told the whole family, because it ruined his marriage and i did not consider about the well being of his family. I should have confronted him instead and told only his wife. His wife had been treating him not very nicely since then,felt ashamed and angry about this. Kept reminding him that he had done so wrong and put him feeling guilty.

Tell me, was it wrong of me to tell the whole family? Did i ruin someone's family? Am i selfish? Because he considered me selfish for not taking things wisely first. If i had confronted him and threatened him that day, towards him only, he would have come clean and this tension between us won't be happening until now -> he said.

Right now, he has come clean and repented about it and wants to make peace with me, but still blames me once in a while for having a not so ideal marriage. It is difficult for me (already happened 7 years) until now to forgive and forget. My heart is still filled with rage.

Tell me what's your thought? Tell me a man's perspective on this. What do i do?

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, holdback said:

I discovered the hidden camera again. I told my parents and my sister about this. 

He told me that i should not have told the whole family, because it ruined his marriage  

You absolutely did the right thing telling all of your family. They have a right to know he's doing illegal perverted things. Continue to report to your family about everything he does. Including using guilt trips and manipulation to shut you down.  Tell him to back off or you'll report him to the police.  Stand up for your and your family's rights.

[Lambert]

Ok.  So your brother in law is the guilty party here and he is trying to make excuses about how what he did is your fault.  Which is totally wrong.

First of all, the fact that you sent some naked pictures to an ex is your business.  And should not be comingled in this story, EXCEPT for the FACT that YOUR BROTHER IN LAW KEPT THEM FOR HIMSELF.  That is strike one.

Creepy, weird and then to say he doesn't see you as his little sister anymore?? WHAT THE WHAT.  A brother does not look at his sister naked.  OK?  That's one.

Two he acted on a creepy thought to put a CAMERA in YOUR SHOWER!  Twice.  You owe this predator nothing!

His marriage and family is RUINED BECAUSE OF HIM!  You did nothing wrong.  Of course it's not smart to send  naked pics to anyone, but it's not illegal.  What he did IS A CRIME!  YOU owe him nothing and the fact that he is trying to blame the VICTIM shows what a piece of garbage he is.

You have every right to be enraged.  Get away from this guy.  He is scum

[Big Stan]

19 minutes ago, holdback said:

Hi, help me to understand and advice, if you were in my shoes, what will you do in this situation.

I have an older sister and we look alike. She got married. We lived under one roof (me,sister,brother in law and a housemate).

Everything was okay until one day i said to my brother in law that i have done stuff with my ex while we were talking and i think i was a bit drunk that night.

Since then, he tried to hack into my ex's computer and found out about my naked photos. He deleted them from my ex's computer but he kept them. He did not tell me about this until maybe years later. He said he was traumatized to see his sister in law's behaviour different than what he was seeing in front of his eyes. And since this happened, sometimes he sees me not as a little sister anymore. 

He tried putting a hidden camera in my shower. At first, i asked and got a weird answer and i felt uneasy but eventually ignored it.

One day,i discovered the hidden camera again. I told my parents and my sister about this. 

He told me that i should not have told the whole family, because it ruined his marriage and i did not consider about the well being of his family. I should have confronted him instead and told only his wife. His wife had been treating him not very nicely since then,felt ashamed and angry about this. Kept reminding him that he had done so wrong and put him feeling guilty.

Tell me, was it wrong of me to tell the whole family? Did i ruin someone's family? Am i selfish? Because he considered me selfish for not taking things wisely first. If i had confronted him and threatened him that day, towards him only, he would have come clean and this tension between us won't be happening until now -> he said.

Right now, he has come clean and repented about it and wants to make peace with me, but still blames me once in a while for having a not so ideal marriage. It is difficult for me (already happened 7 years) until now to forgive and forget. My heart is still filled with rage.

Tell me what's your thought? Tell me a man's perspective on this. What do i do?

 

 

 

 

What he did was a massive violation of your boundaries. Where I’m from in the USA it’s highly illegal what he did. He got off lucky you only told his family and not the authorities about it. 
 

He should be in jail for what he did. You cannot secretly record people naked, that is beyond messed up. Whatever you do OP do not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong here. 

[reinventmyself]

you have two posts with the same topic

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, holdback said:

Tell me what's your thought?

I think your brother-in-law is a perv and that he saved those pics for his enjoyment. You were right to tell on him to family.

[holdback]

19 hours ago, Lambert said:

Ok.  So your brother in law is the guilty party here and he is trying to make excuses about how what he did is your fault.  Which is totally wrong.

First of all, the fact that you sent some naked pictures to an ex is your business.  And should not be comingled in this story, EXCEPT for the FACT that YOUR BROTHER IN LAW KEPT THEM FOR HIMSELF.  That is strike one.

Creepy, weird and then to say he doesn't see you as his little sister anymore?? WHAT THE WHAT.  A brother does not look at his sister naked.  OK?  That's one.

Two he acted on a creepy thought to put a CAMERA in YOUR SHOWER!  Twice.  You owe this predator nothing!

His marriage and family is RUINED BECAUSE OF HIM!  You did nothing wrong.  Of course it's not smart to send  naked pics to anyone, but it's not illegal.  What he did IS A CRIME!  YOU owe him nothing and the fact that he is trying to blame the VICTIM shows what a piece of garbage he is.

You have every right to be enraged.  Get away from this guy.  He is scum

do you think it's traumatizing if you see your sibling naked undeliberately? initially he saw the pictures coincidentally and that's why it was traumatizing for him and changed his perspective of me.

[holdback]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You absolutely did the right thing telling all of your family. They have a right to know he's doing illegal perverted things. Continue to report to your family about everything he does. Including using guilt trips and manipulation to shut you down.  Tell him to back off or you'll report him to the police.  Stand up for your and your family's rights.

this has happened few years ago,and he wants to make peace with it. what will you do?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, holdback said:

 he saw the pictures coincidentally and that's why it was traumatizing for him and changed his perspective of me.

Why is he "traumatized" if he's the one installing hidden video equipment in your shower? You're over 30 y/o and it's time to move out of there and stay away from him.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, holdback said:

do you think it's traumatizing if you see your sibling naked undeliberately? initially he saw the pictures coincidentally and that's why it was traumatizing for him and changed his perspective of me.

Yes if it's photos -no if it's an accidental passing in the hallway or a bathroom door that was left unlocked etc.  

I agree with Wiseman.

[holdback]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why is he "traumatized" if he's the one installing hidden video equipment in your shower? You're over 30 y/o and it's time to move out of there and stay away from him.

i was in my 20s when this happened. i don't live with him anymore. 

he's traumatized because he accidentally saw the pictures and later he installed the camera. does  that even makes sense

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, holdback said:

i was in my 20s when this happened. i don't live with him anymore. 

Excellent. Simply steer clear of him and stop discussing the issue with him, if all the happened a decade ago.

You need better boundaries so stop talking to your brother-in-law about nudity and other personal topics.  Delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Only communicate with your own family but be distant with him.  It's best to stop encouraging his creepiness by even allowing conversations like this.

[Lambert]

14 hours ago, holdback said:

do you think it's traumatizing if you see your sibling naked undeliberately? initially he saw the pictures coincidentally and that's why it was traumatizing for him and changed his perspective of me.

I don't think anyone wants to see their sibling naked and I don't think it's trauma. 

My dad was in the hospital (he was in a open backed gown.)  He fell and I was there.  unfortunately his gown did not cover him.  yes. I saw him. but I didn't focus on him being naked. I was scared to move him so I called for help and covered him. 

I actually was more upset about how scary it was he fell and that he could have broken something.  that is still upsetting to me if I dwell on it.  

My point is- I don't want to see my parent naked and I respect their privacy. I averted my eyes purposely while also protecting him from any embarrassment.

I think that is a normal, caring and expected response. You don't try to check out a member of your family's body. The fact that your creep of a brother law CHOSE to look,  says a lot.

Even if he did see by mistake, the respectful response is to protect you and act like he didn't and not look again or save them to look at them again. 

It's not trauma if you choose to look at them over and over. he's not traumatized he's deflecting and redirecting his illegal, immoral and disgusting behavior. 

[lostandhurt]

He is your brother in law correct?  If so he isn't your sibling and he isn't traumatized, he is creepy.

 You did the right thing by telling your family and your sister (why she stayed married to him is another big question) so it sounds like you dealt with it and have moved on so if he brings it up let him know if he doesn't stop trying to discuss it with you you will tell your sister and let her handle it.

 Lost 

[1a1a]

The repeated installing of cameras in the shower should be all the information you need to know this person will happily harm you. Beware, keep at a very chilly distance. Absolve yourself of any responsibility for his relationships. Scum bag who spies on family deserves broken relationships.