Long term relationship - is this normal

[nA1989]

Looking for advice … I have been with my partner for 9 years 

I would describe our relationship as healthy we are easy going - both live our lives to the full and how we want 

there are some small things that I don’t think are normal … I borrowed his running cloves ( he doesn’t run and wears them during winter) so that I could do some work in our shed so that I didn’t get a splinter  ( pulling apart wood) and when he saw that I was wearing them he demanded  I took them off and to get my own gloves.  I said are you being serious and he again demanded I get them off.  We are mid 30’s - there have been a few things I would describe very similar to this.  Is this normal behaviour ? 

[redswim30]

As far as this specific incident goes, I agree with Him.  They were his gloves and you were using them to pull apart wood.  It makes perfect sense that he wouldn't want them to get ruined, especially since it doesn't sound like you asked his permission to use them for this purpose. 

Even if I wanted to use my husband's winter gloves for some other purpose than simply wearing them, especially an activity that could possibly get them ruined, he would be mad if I didn't ask his permission to use them for that purpose. (Just to give an inverse example, I'd be mad if he used my good oven mitt to catch a mouse without asking my permission)  So, I think that's pretty normal. 

Can you give examples of some other things that you think are not "normal"?   

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, nA1989 said:

 … I borrowed his running cloves so that I could do some work in our shed. when he saw that I was wearing them he demanded  I took them off 

Do you live together?  Perhaps you are in a bit of a rut?  If you need to borrow stuff from each other,  ask permission to borrow things. However he seems a bit ridiculous making a big deal about using his gloves 

[nA1989]

We have lived together for 8 years.  It’s maybe how I am brought up but I’m almost shocked someone would get so mad about gloves and living together and being together I don’t think I should have to ask tk use gloves.   I feel like it’s immature and almost selfish.  Another example would be a mug he has and calls his own - he has been mad at me for using his mug before. I am panicking this isn’t normally behaviour and I’m almost like this can’t be serious 

[boltnrun]

You don't have your own gloves or mug?

[spinstermanquee]

Hi nA1989, if you think of his gloves as a "tool," then yes you should have asked.

I never liked it when my husband used our kitchen cutlery/flatware/services' knives to pry something because he would bend the tips (plus we cut/eat with those!).  If I'm going to use his leather gloves for mixing concrete, there is a good possibility they will be unusable afterward.

It's helpful to know the application the "tool" will be used for prior to granting permission to use it (what?  you want to use my belt sander for a dermabrasion on the dog?  Are you crazy?)  LOL

Good luck my dear

[redswim30]

11 minutes ago, nA1989 said:

We have lived together for 8 years.  It’s maybe how I am brought up but I’m almost shocked someone would get so mad about gloves and living together and being together I don’t think I should have to ask tk use gloves.   I feel like it’s immature and almost selfish.  Another example would be a mug he has and calls his own - he has been mad at me for using his mug before. I am panicking this isn’t normally behaviour and I’m almost like this can’t be serious 

If you have lived together for 8 years, then I don't quite understand how you are surprised by his behavior.   Some people just like using their own things.  So, you know this about him, so why not get your own yardwork gloves and mug?  

"Normal" doesn't really have meaning in the real world.  Everyone is different.  As I said, I am married and if my husband were to use something of mine for a purpose other than it's intended purpose, I would want him to ask my permission to do so.  Some partners might NOT care, but everyone is different.  And if you HAVE to have someone that has no problem with you using anything of theirs anytime- break up, if it's a deal-breaker for you, because you are clearly incompatible in this. 

Why do you continue to live with him if his behavior bothers you that much?  You are calling him immature and selfish, but IMO, you seem to be reacting overly strongly to a pretty minor thing. 

Unless you can give other examples?  Or is it just all under the umbrella of he likes to use his own things and for me to use my own things?  You aren't married, so I think it's even more understandable that he's maybe a little overprotective of what is his.   

But again I ask, if this preference of his bothers you to this degree, why are you still with him?

I'm also curious why you're being both quick and determined to quantify his behavior as "not normal", is something else going on with you two and this is just a surface level thing that is easier to focus on/try to control?  

[Andrina]

People can be funny or have quirks about certain things. I probably learned this from my father, but he always had his favorite recliner which nobody else would dare sit in, and I'm kind of the same way. Although I do let guests sit anywhere they like, I'm uncomfortable if it's particular people.

When you're upset more than not in a relationship, it means you're in the wrong relationship. But if something happens rarely to peeve you, you might let it go and chalk it up to your partner's pet peeve. A pet peeve doesn't have to make sense to you to be valid.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, nA1989 said:

 a mug he has and calls his own - he has been mad at me for using his mug before. I am panicking this isn’t normally behaviour.

The issue is he's getting "mad" over petty things. However why not just use your own things?  There's no reason to panic unless there's a lot more behind the mugs and gloves, because that's as easy as just using your own.

[Cherylyn]

I actually agree with him.  I have gloves for winter,  driving,  sports,  etc. and I never wear them out for other purposes such as household chores,  gardening,  repairs / construction or whatever.  My husband has gloves for house repairs,  maintenance,  car repairs and car maintenance.  He does not wear his gloves for other tasks. 

If you want to make amends,  buy your boyfriend new running gloves.  I would be angry just like him.  In the future,  purchase your own protective wear,  gloves,  etc. if you want to protect your hands,  etc.  It's common sense.  Yes,  your partner's reaction was normal.  It's not a deal breaker though.  Make it right and you'll be fine.

Respect other people's belongings and be considerate. 

As an aside,  in the past,  I allowed other people to borrow my stuff only for them to return it either damaged,  soiled,  very  used,  unclean,  grubby,  etc.  ~ ever since childhood whatever it was.  Not anymore.  Nowadays,  I'm still nice to people but I hang onto my stuff.  I'm not  that  generous due to my former goodwill only for my items to be returned shabbily or "lost."  There were no apologies nor replacements by them either.  No more "Miss Nice." 

[boltnrun]

How exceptionally difficult would it be to use a different mug other than his favorite? How inconvenient would it be to have your own chore gloves? Would doing those things put you in such an impossible situation that they absolutely cannot be done?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How exceptionally difficult would it be to use a different mug other than his favorite? How inconvenient would it be to have your own chore gloves? Would doing those things put you in such an impossible situation that they absolutely cannot be done?

I have a specific bag I use for working out.  It is the right material and perfectly fits my water bottle and a few other small things I bring daily to the gym. It fits well on the treadmill arm.  I leave it near the door during the day, on the door handle overnight as I leave for the gym while all are asleep.  We have other bags some are similar but I like this bag for this purpose and I always know where it is.  Also it was a sort of "gift" from the organization I volunteered for.

A few weeks ago for the first time my husband without asking took it last minute so my son could use it on their overnight trip.  I ran down to the car to retrieve it -yes, a quirk, yes I could have found another one for a few days but I also knew it would get dirty and likely lost.

This was unusual of my husband and no I wouldn't take his "bags" or gloves or even certain mugs (he has one with a photo of him and a famous person I had made for him -he doesn't overuse it as he doesn't want it to fade) and I also know we have our favorite dishes we like for meals.  Yes it's kind of quirky but..... I get it.  He ended up sincerely apologizing -he didn't know that was my gym bag.  

[Seraphim]

Living together or marriage doesn’t mean you give up all rights to your personal belongings. You are in the wrong. 

[Seraphim]

4 hours ago, nA1989 said:

We have lived together for 8 years.  It’s maybe how I am brought up but I’m almost shocked someone would get so mad about gloves and living together and being together I don’t think I should have to ask tk use gloves.   I feel like it’s immature and almost selfish.  Another example would be a mug he has and calls his own - he has been mad at me for using his mug before. I am panicking this isn’t normally behaviour and I’m almost like this can’t be serious 

Actually, completely normal behaviour. Can he take your hand bag and use it to carry tools without asking you ?

[poorlittlefish]

It doesn't matter whether he wears the gloves or not. They belong to him and you were disrespectful in not asking him if you could borrow them. You didn't borrow them for running, you used them for dirty work - even more reason to ask.

You don't own your boyfriend or his belongings, so you have no right to use them unless you've cleared it with him first. To me, that's just basic consideration and good manners. 

[MissCanuck]

Has this behaviour started only recently or something?

9 years is a long time to be surprised by any of this. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, nA1989 said:

 and living together and being together I don’t think I should have to ask tk use gloves. 

There's nothing wrong with common courtesy. There's also nothing "shocking" about people using their own stuff and asking if they can use someone else's stuff before just helping themselves to it.

[Tinydance]

Hmmmm....Could you give more examples of other things like this he's done? To me the mug thing actually seems petty but I guess everyone is different. When I live with a partner, I don't think of it as "my mug", "my plate", I just think of most belongings as both of ours. I've dated some people on the autism spectrum though who were more particular about belongings and how they wanted things to be done. For example, to stack the dishwasher equally on both sides even if you were stacking only a couple or a few plates. Or that you could leave dishes in the sink but if it was a frying pan, you had to wash it immediately lol Just very particular things like that which don't seem to matter or make sense, but it made sense to that person. 

I can sort of understand the glove thing because I guess some belongings are more personal. For example, let's say my partner opened my soap I really like and started using the soap without saying anything, I think I'd be a little annoyed. Overall though I like to share and I actually want my partner to use my things. I do technically have mugs that are "mine" in the sense they have things I love on them. For example my mug with sloths because I collect things with sloths. But it wouldn't really bother me if my partner or guests used it.

[smackie9]

I agree with him. You just took without asking. I can see why he felt violated. Even tho you share a life together, you still need to respect each others personal property. I have been with my husband for over 33 years and he still will not go into my purse. As for a mug, yes my husband has one that his mother gave him and it's very special to him. I never use it because I know what it means to him. We have plenty of mugs in the cupboard for others to use. It's called respect. Yes everyone has their quirks, so for the long haul we learn to adjust and make compromises. I would suggest tho that you have a discussion about his reaction. Have it settled that he needs to be more respectful when he talks to you about things like that. So have a truce, you ask to borrow something of his, and he stops being so rude to you when he doesn't like something. Communication here is what is needed. 

[Cherylyn]

With the gloves thing,  I too am very particular about my items used for specific purposes.  How would I feel if my husband or someone would taken upon themselves to use my driving,  winter,  sports gloves to pound nails into a fence post,  garden in them,  tackle house or car repairs with them,  cook or barbecue with them and the like?  I would not approve!  😠  Those gloves or whatever it was,  wasn't  designed for multiple purposes and tasks BECAUSE those gloves or whatever object will become ratty and roughed up.  They're no longer maintained in mint condition which is exactly how I want my belongings to remain.  I keep my protective wear / gear in mint condition so it will last for many years to come and it has. 

In the future,  use rags or towels to grip the shed if you wish to avoid splinters,  buy your own chore gloves which are relatively inexpensive and to make amends,  buy your boyfriend a spare set of running gloves.  It's what I would do if I were you.

His reaction was normal behavior as I am the same way.  Respect other people's belongings or at least ask permission first before using them.  If the answer is "no,"  then use alternative methods to complete your tasks.