Dad's replies

[Guest]

This actually isn't that big of an issue, but it gets on my nerves. My Dad likes to ask me things, for example, "Do you want to grab breakfast?" When I say "No". He would add "little things" behind as a reply, "Up to you", "Whatever". It gives the impression that he wants me to know "It's my loss." I get very annoyed by this. There's many scenarios. I'm not able to list everything down. One of it was about fetching me to school. He asked me, "Do you want me to drop you off at school?" as he was about to leave for work. I said "No need, my class starts only in the afternoon. I'll travel by myself." He replied back, "I offered you and you don't want. Up to you." He likes to add these kind of "It's my loss" kind of phrases behind. I really don't know why he does that. I tried to tell him not to speak to me like that. But he does not see it as a problem. Does anyone have such experiences? How do you deal with it?

I don't really like to talk to my dad because of this habit of his. I always try to avoid talking as much as possible. It's not a crime, it's not a bad thing. I just cannot stand the way he talks to me. And he only does that to me. I have another sibling. He only treats me like this, I don't get it. 

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though he's trying with you but ends up feeling rejected, so it's like a knee jerk response from the discomfort.

You might alleviate such discomfort for both of you by being kind and saying, "Thanks, Dad."

[Coily]

How old are you? I am assuming you are on the young-ish side, but if I'm wrong let me know.

I can definitely get your annoyance, it's a bit too passive aggressive for most people. But maybe you need to think of it from his perspective, as you are getting to be more independent he feels the need to connect and spend time with you more. I had a strained relationship with my father when I was young, but now as he's getting older, I wish I had had opportunities like that.

Typical old fogey talk here, haha. As Catfeeder suggested, maybe a thanks would go a long way.

[SherrySher]

I agree with Catfeeder that he might just be feeling rejected and that you don't want much to do with him.

Maybe in his mind he is trying to offer nice things to you and is feeling like you keep turning his kindness down.

At least the way you describe it, that's the vibe I get.

[Cherylyn]

I'm not a Dad but I'm a mother so I can somewhat relate.  My husband and I have two sons. 

I wouldn't read into your Dad's comments too much.  Each time he offers and you decline,  simply say to your Dad:  "Thank you but no thank you.  I appreciated your asking though."  These kind sentences expresses your gratitude that he thought enough of you to ask if you'd like to join him for breakfast or need a ride to school.  Try not to decline too much though.  The years will whiz by and someday you could very well regret not spending enough time with your father.  He's older than you and won't be around forever.  Most likely you'll outlive him and then you'll really miss him.  Every now and then take him up on his offer,  have breakfast with him and if you need to be chauffeured somewhere,  humbly,  gratefully and graciously accept.  When and if you're a parent someday,  you'll know what your Dad feels like when he's declined or rejected.  Try to be nice.  It will go a long way and improve your relationship with your father.

Even though my father wasn't the ideal father,  I regret declining restaurant rendezvous with him and the family shortly before his death.  I waved them off and preferred to remain at home instead.  Looking back,  I should've joined them.  I didn't know time was running short. 

There were a few people in my life who've since passed away and I should've spent more time with them.  We never know who will go first and then after they're gone,  there are a lot of regrets and some remorse, too. 

Life is too short.  If your father had been good to you,  spend some time with him.  This is why he asks you to join him for breakfast,  asks you if you need a ride, etc.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Mannitol said:

, "I offered you and you don't want. Up to you." He likes to add these kind of "It's my loss" kind of phrases behind. I really don't know why he does that. 

Do you live at home? This may be annoying, but it's not a big issue. 

It comes across more as "your choice" rather than "your loss".

Perhaps he's trying to be helpful by offering and at the same time indicating it's your decision. 

Do you feel like there's a power struggle going on?

[Seraphim]

I wish my father had cared enough to talk to me or even want to spend time with me. Now he is dead and that will never happen. Appreciate your parents while you have them. 

[Batya33]

I would make sure you say thanks when you decline.  Maybe you do -but I didn't see that in your replies. You also can use I statements.  I feel frustrated when I say no thanks and you seem to take my response personally in a bad way.  I wish you didn't feel badly about my declining your thoughtful gesture because I really do appreciate it!

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wish you didn't feel badly about my declining your thoughtful gesture because I really do appreciate it!

Well, appreciation is the key, isn't it?

OP, do you appreciate your father's attempts to be helpful, or do you take him for granted?

If you don't appreciate him, it might be your own conscience bothering you, because your father's responses sound reasonable.

Part of maturity is developing empathy for how others might feel, especially when our own actions may be the cause of those feelings. Try adopting kindness and respect with your parents, and then observe how simple this becomes and how rewarding it will feel over time.

Respect is a sign of maturity.

[poorlittlefish]

If you are going to reject what sound like nice suggestions, then how about offering an alternative so he isn't left feeling bad?  Rather than just saying an outright "No", try something like, "No, thanks, but how about we go for a walk this afternoon instead?"

If you keep rejecting your dad's offers, then at some point he won't bother anymore and that's not good for either of you.  Meet him halfway.

[Lambert]

How old are you? Other than these interactions, do you have a relationship with him? how is it? 

Are you annoyed because he offers things that you know or he should know you don't want or need in the situation (eg a morning ride to an afternoon event)?