My boyfriend never makes an effort to do anything to make me feel special. When I try to tell him how I feel he gets mad. Advice please?

[Becky1108]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now, we live together (and have done for 1 and a half years) and we have a dog, so you could say we are pretty serious and definitely past the honeymoon period. Now I’ve noticed more and more that probably since we got past the 1 year mark my boyfriend just makes no effort to do anything nice for me or to make me feel special (and yes, before anyone asks, I make a LOT of effort for him, I always pick up his favourite snacks when I’m out grocery shopping, put fuel in his car, cook him his favourite meals, make sure he comes home to tidy house if I get home from work before him, ALWAYS make a big effort on his birthday with gifts, getting his favourite cake and planning a lovely dinner for us, I’ve taken him for a weekend away, I even replace his cologne if it runs out). Now my boyfriend doesn’t really do anything like that, and whilst I’m not materialistic it would be nice for him to kind of return the favour, he never surprises me or plans anything for us to do, I didn’t even get a card on Valentine’s Day (I wasn’t too fussed about not receiving a gift, but a card at least would have been nice, meanwhile the one I got him is still unopened). Last year I didn’t receive a single birthday, Christmas or anniversary gift or card (we were pretty broke at the time but I still made an effort to get him something small at least, so I’m sure he could have managed a 99p card), he doesn’t ever cook for me, he never buys me flowers because he said it’s pointless because they die, he doesn’t even have a single picture on his phone of me or us together (he used to, he just deleted them, no idea why). Now this has bothered me even more because I know full well that he used to be thoughtful for past girlfriends and when I asked if he kept pictures of them on his phone in the past he said ‘yeah but they always got deleted in the end’, that really upset me as we are not at the ‘end’, he just doesn’t want to keep them, it makes me feel like *** in all honesty, like he doesn’t value me anywhere near as much as he valued them. I know he is capable of being thoughtful and doing all those little things because he did for at least the first year, he would leave me little notes in my bag to find throughout the day, get up and make me breakfast if I had to work on a weekend, run me baths if I was sick, he even made a scrapbook for me. Now I know the honeymoon phase never lasts and it’s not going to be like that all the time, but he could still make an effort to do even one nice thing a month, or at least get me a god damn card for an event such as my birthday or Valentine’s Day. I’ve tried to speak to him about how I feel about this, and his reaction was just to get angry and say that he will never change so if it’s so important to me I should think about what I really want. This upset me even more because it feels as if he doesn’t care? Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to make an effort? 

[Batya33]

To me it's not about honeymoon phase.  My husband and son just brought me my favorite chocolate from the city they visited as an "early mother's day present." I've known my husband over 20 years, we lived together very briefly before marriage, together this time around since 2005, married almost 15 years.  I don't need the one nice thing a month thing.  He walked my son to school this morning instead of sleeping in because he knows 

Why do you need "one nice thing a month?" Because there's been such an absence of nice things? Did you use I statements like "I feel uncared for by you when you don't acknowledge Valentines Day."

Are you planning to marry him? Are your goals aligned? Why do you live together- what was the purpose of sharing physical space? 

He's telling you take it or leave it- that he cares for you and isn't going to show it the way you would like him to.  I'd stop doing stuff for him if it you feel resentful -that has negative energy with it and it's not worth it.  

I'm sorry you're disappointed.  You are right it's not about $.  My parents had really hard times and my dad always got my mom cards, etc.

[Kwothe28]

So, besides that he got you in debt and that he is generally a lazy pothead, he also doesnt make an effort at all? Why are you with somebody who is clearly not mature enough to be serious about work and relationship? 

I dunno the age so maybe that is an issue, but if he is already living with you, he should be mature enough to understand some stuff. He clearly isnt. He takes you for granted, smokes weed like he is a highschooler and even got you in debt. While you get in debt and put an effort around him. Good news is that you are not married so you can just leave. If he isnt willing to put an effort and be mature enough, you shouldnt stay around somebody like that. For you, its detrimental as you, aside of having somebody, have nothing else that you should stay for. In fact, living alone should be way better because you at least wont have to pay his part as well, but just yours.

[Coily]

To play devils advocate here: does he do other things like mow, or house hold tasks, or hard labor around the house? Does he feel like that's enough?

On the other side, it does seem to be a stark difference between how you two started and now. And that's bothersome. Now there is always that end of the honeymoon, but for things to go form cards and notes etc, to after a year nada; that would be a red flag. If over 20 years things tapered off, that's one thing, but a year...

Now I'm a man who prefers to do things because I want to, not out of a feeling of obligation (like valentines day). But I still at least have tried to make time together a positive, not just expected. This BF of yours seems to be ready to coast in the relationship after a year, I can't say much positive about the future of this relationship, unless you want to make do.

 

[Becky1108]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me it's not about honeymoon phase.  My husband and son just brought me my favorite chocolate from the city they visited as an "early mother's day present." I've known my husband over 20 years, we lived together very briefly before marriage, together this time around since 2005, married almost 15 years.  I don't need the one nice thing a month thing.  He walked my son to school this morning instead of sleeping in because he knows 

Why do you need "one nice thing a month?" Because there's been such an absence of nice things? Did you use I statements like "I feel uncared for by you when you don't acknowledge Valentines Day."

Are you planning to marry him? Are your goals aligned? Why do you live together- what was the purpose of sharing physical space? 

He's telling you take it or leave it- that he cares for you and isn't going to show it the way you would like him to.  I'd stop doing stuff for him if it you feel resentful -that has negative energy with it and it's not worth it.  

I'm sorry you're disappointed.  You are right it's not about $.  My parents had really hard times and my dad always got my mom cards, etc.

I guess you’re right. Even the little things like taking the dog out for a walk if I’m busy but he can’t even manage that. I guess my point was kind of hinting at that I know when you’ve been a couple for an extended period of time your partner isn’t going to be doing nice things for you every single day, and I guess he makes me feel bad for expecting anything nice at all? What hurts me a lot is I know how much he has done for other people, I know he will have kept photos on his phone when he was with them, I know he’s taken people away for weekends, I know that he’s even spent £5000 on a holiday he wasn’t that bothered about going on because it was his ex’s favourite place, they were only together for 2 years too, so it’s not like it was a relationship he was in for a ridiculously long amount of time, this just makes me feel that he valued other people more than me, which hurts me as I demonstrate enough that I am nothing but a good, loyal woman to him, I may have my moments as everyone does, I’m not perfect, but I do try. 

[Lambert]

37 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

Am I being unreasonable for wanting him to make an effort? 

yes. because you're wasting your time waiting on anyone to change. 

 

15 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

guess my point was kind of hinting at that I know when you’ve been a couple for an extended period of time your partner isn’t going to be doing nice things for you every single day

that's your belief. I think partners do nice things for each other everyday. But even with your belief being the norm for sake of argument, this guy does nothing. ever. 

Do you fear being single? Why don't you leave? Take the dog and leave. 

[boltnrun]

Can you list his good qualities, the things you love about him RIGHT NOW? Not things he used to do a year ago, but what you currently love about him. 

Given all the other issues, are you staying with him because you truly love and cherish him or because you don't want to be single and have to start over with someone new? 

[Becky1108]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

yes. because you're wasting your time waiting on anyone to change. 

 

that's your belief. I think partners do nice things for each other everyday. But even with your belief being the norm for sake of argument, this guy does nothing. ever. 

Do you fear being single? Why don't you leave? Take the dog and leave. 

I don’t leave because I truly do love him a lot and can’t imagine being without him. We had a big fight because of me expressing my emotions and he’s said he is done because ‘I am immature’ for telling him how I feel, so I guess it really is over now 

[Becky1108]

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Can you list his good qualities, the things you love about him RIGHT NOW? Not things he used to do a year ago, but what you currently love about him. 

Given all the other issues, are you staying with him because you truly love and cherish him or because you don't want to be single and have to start over with someone new? 

He is a kind honest person deep down and I know that he does love me a lot, he just has issues and I’ve always been willing to work through them with him, the issue here now is that he doesn’t obviously do the little things to show it. He has made some big changes, he used to be a horrific liar and he has stopped that since I threatened to leave him a year ago if he didn’t stop. I know he has the ability to be caring, but he just cares about other things in his life a bit too much more right now. Unfortunately he thinks that me trying to express my feelings is immature and has decided to end things.

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but he doesn't seem to be the right one for you. There are men who don't tell horrific lies and who have no problem expressing their love. When you're ready you could meet someone who's exactly right for you. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

 2 and a half years now, we live together  1 and a half years. we got past the 1 year mark my boyfriend just makes no effort to do anything nice for me 

Unfortunately it seems like as soon as you moved in together he just started coasting along on autopilot. Discontinue overinvesting in him. That may help level the field.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Becky1108]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like as soon as you moved in together he just started coasting along on autopilot. Discontinue overinvesting in him. That may help level the field.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes, the same man. I do agree, I think that since we moved in together, I’ve essentially took on the role of ‘wife’ and he’s just gotten too comfortable with that

[Becky1108]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry you're hurting, but he doesn't seem to be the right one for you. There are men who don't tell horrific lies and who have no problem expressing their love. When you're ready you could meet someone who's exactly right for you. 

I know there are men like that out there and I know at this stage I’m bound to feel like this but I really don’t want any other man to do that for me, I want it to be him and more importantly, I want him to WANT to do those things for me. He says he loves me enough, so if that’s the case why would you not want to show the woman who loves you so dearly and whom you also love and the one who does everything for you some appreciation at least 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Becky1108 said:

, I’ve essentially took on the role of ‘wife’ and he’s just gotten too comfortable with that

It's hard to change people. Keep in mind living together is not a commitment or step forward. It's merely for economic, sexual and household convenience.

Definitely step back on mothering and overinvesting. He seems to be along for the ride, and that's not only lonely but frustrating as well.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Becky1108 said:

I know there are men like that out there and I know at this stage I’m bound to feel like this but I really don’t want any other man to do that for me, I want it to be him and more importantly, I want him to WANT to do those things for me. He says he loves me enough, so if that’s the case why would you not want to show the woman who loves you so dearly and whom you also love and the one who does everything for you some appreciation at least 

You want him to "change" but he has told you clearly he's not interested in doing those things for you. And that's why you're incompatible.

Of course right now you can't think about a new boyfriend. That's totally normal. But in time you'll be ready. 

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

I don’t leave because I truly do love him a lot and can’t imagine being without him. We had a big fight because of me expressing my emotions and he’s said he is done because ‘I am immature’ for telling him how I feel, so I guess it really is over now 

I'm sorry.  I'm sure you're hurting and it takes time. 

Honestly, love just isn't enough. no matter what someone means to you, YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF MORE and not allow yourself to be treated this way. 

Someone who is so callous to you doesn't deserve your love.  no matter how great he used to be or is currently to others. 

I'm sure you feel justified by stating how much you love him. loyalty is   noble... but I'm telling you in time you will regret staying.  

[smackie9]

You want him to notice you? Stop doing all those things for him and focus more on doing nice things for yourself, like getting your nails done, buy some sexy shoes, go out more with your friends etc. To be more attractive is to be less available and that's your issue...you are way to available to him to the point he takes it for granted. 

[Cherylyn]

You're not unreasonable and you have every right to feel slighted.  😡

If I were you,  I'd pump the brakes on everything that you do for him.  Your actions should actually come to a screeching halt.  Do the bare minimum for survival's sake but don't go above and beyond anymore.  Examples are the following:  No more picking up his favorite snacks,  refueling his car,  cooking his favorite meals,  getting  his favorite cake,  replacing his cologne,  etc.  Drastically scale back on your good deeds.  Don't fuss over him anymore.  He should eventually get the message.  He sounds like he's spoiled and you spoiled him.  He's taking you for granted and taking advantage of you because he knows you'll constantly coddle him. 

Lower your expectations of him.  Either accept how he is and how your relationship with him is or do something about it such as contemplate if you're willing to dissolve and exit the relationship.  He will not change for you despite how he was during the first year of your relationship with him.  Accept him or dump him.  Those are your choices.  Obviously complaining about how he doesn't do anything special for you falls on deaf ears.  Therefore,  since he refuses to change for you,  is he good enough for you or do you want better in a man?  It's your choice.  Love him or leave him. 

Your relationship is not normal.  My husband and I do a lot for each other DAILY.  It doesn't have to be reserved only for special occasions.  I ordered an iron garden trellis and he's installing it now as I type.  As for material gifts,  he knows me so I've got that covered.  I haven't had to refuel our cars in many years.   He does all plumbing,  electrical,  construction,  house repairs / maintenance,  car repairs / maintenance.  If we have various home improvement projects,  I'll provide several home cooked meals for my husband (and my brother if he's here assisting) and they'll eat outdoors so they can get their work done.  An army runs on its stomach.  We cook his favorite meals together.  (We have two sons and reside in the suburbs.)  I iron his shirts.  I buy his chic clothes.  As a former hairstylist,  I cut my men's hair so they look sharp.  They defer to me and ask my opinion and I either say "aye" or "nay."  While I grocery shop,  my husband cleans the house.  If I'm taking care of local errands,  he'll finish doing all laundry for the week including folding and putting everything away.  I'm not a fan of flowers and chocolates but my husband will give me a pretty handbag for special occasions or sometimes surprise me at random any time of year.  We are very thoughtful and kind to one another.  It's a two way street.  I think you would be much happier if you had the type of thoughtful, kind and very considerate relationship (or marriage) I'm blessed to have.  ❤️  Know the difference @Becky1108

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You're not unreasonable and you have every right to feel slighted.  😡

If I were you,  I'd pump the brakes on everything that you do for him.  Your actions should actually come to a screeching halt.  Do the bare minimum for survival's sake but don't go above and beyond anymore.  Examples are the following:  No more picking up his favorite snacks,  refueling his car,  cooking his favorite meals,  getting  his favorite cake,  replacing his cologne,  etc.  Drastically scale back on your good deeds.  Don't fuss over him anymore.  He should eventually get the message.  He sounds like he's spoiled and you spoiled him.  He's taking you for granted and taking advantage of you because he knows you'll constantly coddle him. 

Lower your expectations of him.  Either accept how he is and how your relationship with him is or do something about it such as contemplate if you're willing to dissolve and exit the relationship.  He will not change for you despite how he was during the first year of your relationship with him.  Accept him or dump him.  Those are your choices.  Obviously complaining about how he doesn't do anything special for you falls on deaf ears.  Therefore,  since he refuses to change for you,  is he good enough for you or do you want better in a man?  It's your choice.  Love him or leave him. 

Your relationship is not normal.  My husband and I do a lot for each other DAILY.  It doesn't have to be reserved only for special occasions.  I ordered an iron garden trellis and he's installing it now as I type.  As for material gifts,  he knows me so I've got that covered.  I haven't had to refuel our cars in many years.   He does all plumbing,  electrical,  construction,  house repairs / maintenance,  car repairs / maintenance.  If we have various home improvement projects,  I'll provide several home cooked meals for my husband (and my brother if he's here assisting) and they'll eat outdoors so they can get their work done.  An army runs on its stomach.  We cook his favorite meals together.  (We have two sons and reside in the suburbs.)  I iron his shirts.  I buy his chic clothes.  As a former hairstylist,  I cut my men's hair so they look sharp.  They defer to me and ask my opinion and I either say "aye" or "nay."  While I grocery shop,  my husband cleans the house.  If I'm taking care of local errands,  he'll finish doing all laundry for the week including folding and putting everything away.  I'm not a fan of flowers and chocolates but my husband will give me a pretty handbag for special occasions or sometimes surprise me at random any time of year.  We are very thoughtful and kind to one another.  It's a two way street.  I think you would be much happier if you had the type of thoughtful, kind and very considerate relationship (or marriage) I'm blessed to have.  ❤️  Know the difference @Becky1108

I believe she said he broke up with her either today or yesterday. It's in her most recent updates.

I know it's hard, OP, but this guy wasn't going to make the efforts you were hoping for. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I believe she said he broke up with her either today or yesterday. It's in her most recent updates.

I know it's hard, OP, but this guy wasn't going to make the efforts you were hoping for. 

Good that she broke up.  OP, @Becky1108.  This guy was not meant to be.  ☹️

[Batya33]

When you find a person who you really feel cares for you you won't need so much reassurance with "nice things" -you're looking for proof of something that's not there and I'm glad you're free now to find that person when you feel ready to be out there again.

[Kw114]

Run. Go love on yourself. When you begin to love and put your needs and desires before anyone else’s, you will not  settle for mediocre love. I suggest you begin journaling, doing things you enjoy, and giving yourself more attention and care. Good luck. 

[Starlight925]

He got you into debt.

He smokes pot all the time.

He "used to be" a horrific liar.

You're worrying about the wrong things.  Bringing flowers, cooking you a meal?  I'm sorry, but you have way bigger things to worry about here.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Becky1108 said:

 he thinks that me trying to express my feelings is immature and has decided to end things.

When did you break up? Has he moved out? Even though it hurts to end things, it's better than living in a parallel universe in two different worlds.

You would like a sort of family life and romance and he is just along for the ride but has no interest in what you want.

You were driving the relationship alone hoping he would become what you hoped for. Hopefully once you're free of him taking up space in your life, you can focus on the life you want and finding men who enthusiastically participate in a relationship.

[Becky1108]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When did you break up? Has he moved out? Even though it hurts to end things, it's better than living in a parallel universe in two different worlds.

You would like a sort of family life and romance and he is just along for the ride but has no interest in what you want.

You were driving the relationship alone hoping he would become what you hoped for. Hopefully once you're free of him taking up space in your life, you can focus on the life you want and finding men who enthusiastically participate in a relationship.

He said he was done last night. He packed a bag and went to his parents for the night. However today he is saying that he loves me and doesn’t want to break up. Part of me thinks it’s just because he knows how convenient it is for him to be with me and I know he doesn’t want to go back to living at home with his parents.