My friends aren't good or reliable anymore

[Jaunty]

Why don't you just cancel the paid activity (as long as you and your friend who booked  can get a refund, or reschedule for a different less emotionally fraught time)  and just let go of all this negativity and angst about it?  You have two friends who have planned an evening for you.  That's wonderful.  That's what it's all about.  You are fortunate to have people in your life to do this for you.   Please embrace that and have a wonderful dinner with them.

[mylolita]

Just now, Jaunty said:

Why don't you just cancel the paid activity (as long as you and your friend who booked  can get a refund, or reschedule for a different less emotionally fraught time)  and just let go of all this negativity and angst about it?  You have two friends who have planned an evening for you.  That's wonderful.  That's what it's all about.  You are fortunate to have people in your life to do this for you.   Please embrace that and have a wonderful dinner with them.

Yes! Such a lovely thing! Give them the time and enjoy your meal out and your Birthday!

x

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, mylolita said:

I actually lost my old best friend to this insanity Alex and is maybe why I'm just done with the "book and pre-pay for my event" vibe!

She was getting married and had organised a 3 day weekend of activities and a stay over in a fancy hotel. It was going to cost a fortune, I was heavily pregnant, and I was also paying for my dress and the hotel and drinks to stay on her actual wedding day as well. It felt too much. I could afford it but the principle was all wrong for me. I was 8 months gone and just couldn't drag myself around a spa day, a night out at a male strip bar, and then a restaurant and blues bar for the third day with make-up getting booked and done before going out again. I said I love you, I support you, I'll see you on the day - and it was WW3. 

It causes rifts and splits when money is involved, and rubs people up the wrong way, generally. Even if you can afford it. I'm generous with gifts, I handed her a cheque for $350 with a heart felt message inside the envelope and said congratulations, but I never saw her again after that. What happened to drinks at the bar the night before the day? I will never know!

It just gets too complicated for people as well. I'm just trying to see it potentially from your guests and friends points of view. Again Alex, I'm no way saying they were right to just bail - that was very wrong of them.

x

But I was completely okay with everyone offering suggestions too. I didn't even care if we did the activity. I wasn't bossy about it or demanding. I asked if it was okay to meet up and do this fun thing. They all okay'd it. I wouldn't have cared if they said, let's just grab a drink. I wasn't strict on the plan and was accommodating the whole time. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

But I was completely okay with everyone offering suggestions too. I didn't even care if we did the activity. I wasn't bossy about it or demanding. I asked if it was okay to meet up and do this fun thing. They all okay'd it. I wouldn't have cared if they said, let's just grab a drink. I wasn't strict on the plan and was accommodating the whole time. 

But once you asked you made it awkward for people to say no or offer a less expensive or more relaxed/less time pressured option.

[mylolita]

Just now, Alex39 said:

But I was completely okay with everyone offering suggestions too. I didn't even care if we did the activity. I wasn't bossy about it or demanding. I asked if it was okay to meet up and do this fun thing. They all okay'd it. I wouldn't have cared if they said, let's just grab a drink. I wasn't strict on the plan and was accommodating the whole time. 

I would say then Alex, enjoy your meal out my sweet and just kick back and relax - forget the others, invite the other girl who was going to come along to your dinner! And find some new friends if you'd like more!

I would also suggest (here we go again - HA! - sorry dear!) as someone who is a bit of a social butterfly and is always organising and creating social gatherings, that the indecisive turn to everyone and say "what do you guys want to do?" doesn't work out much! In my experience! Because no one is satisfied, everyone is always busy with different things, everyone has a different budget!

If it's your event, just think, what do I wanna do? Decide and just tell people a time and where it is - can you make it, would love to see you there? That's what I'd suggest! Trying to please everyone or get different opinions and input about how you want to celebrate can get tricky! Again, discard this advice if it's not for you, it's just what I've found as well. If people want to come and can make it, they do, if they don't, they don't. That's how I do it anyway! You avoid disappointment and the back and forth!

x

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

But once you asked you made it awkward for people to say no or offer a less expensive or more relaxed/less time pressured option.

Originally I offered up grabbing dinner AND the activity. My one friend then said she could only do one or the other. So I said, will the activity alone be okay? And no dinner or anything else. They said okay. I don't think that was putting them on the spot. They said what they thought. 

[Alex39]

Just now, mylolita said:

I would say then Alex, enjoy your meal out my sweet and just kick back and relax - forget the others, invite the other girl who was going to come along to your dinner! And find some new friends if you'd like more!

I would also suggest (here we go again - HA! - sorry dear!) as someone who is a bit of a social butterfly and is always organising and creating social gatherings, that the indecisive turn to everyone and say "what do you guys want to do?" doesn't work out much! In my experience! Because no one is satisfied, everyone is always busy with different things, everyone has a different budget!

If it's your event, just think, what do I wanna do? Decide and just tell people a time and where it is - can you make it, would love to see you there? That's what I'd suggest! Trying to please everyone or get different opinions and input about how you want to celebrate can get tricky! Again, discard this advice if it's not for you, it's just what I've found as well. If people want to come and can make it, they do, if they don't, they don't. That's how I do it anyway! You avoid disappointment and the back and forth!

x

I feel I did this. I offered up this activity and they just has to say yes or no. I didn't care if they said no. I might have still gone and done it or not. They said yes, then ghosted me. That's not right. 

[mylolita]

Just now, Alex39 said:

Originally I offered up grabbing dinner AND the activity. My one friend then said she could only do one or the other. So I said, will the activity alone be okay? And no dinner or anything else. They said okay. I don't think that was putting them on the spot. They said what they thought. 

Again, more advice here for social planning! Only do one thing. And in one location. Never split events or get people to travel mid way to another thing!!!

Discard if useless but again, just what I've found!

x

[mylolita]

Just now, Alex39 said:

I feel I did this. I offered up this activity and they just has to say yes or no. I didn't care if they said no. I might have still gone and done it or not. They said yes, then ghosted me. That's not right. 

Sorry, I thought you initially asked people what they wanted to do and went from there?

Again hunny I'm not defending your friends ghosting you, it's bad behaviour and no one should say they'll go to something then cancel with no intention originally of never going! That's just not right. 

Just trying to suggest things that make it easy for guests and you.

This dinner with those two other ladies sounds lovely. I'd personally invite your other friend who paid for the event, refund her her money and just have a nice time the four of you, you don't need lots of people to have a good time! Actually, the more intimate and small the better often, depending on what's happening!

You haven't done anything all wrong or I'm not scolding you I'm just saying, these things can be awkward and tricky to organise, people can be flaky, certain things you can do eases the whole thing for you. Rule of thumb for me I'd avoid pre-payment things or asking guests for money but again Alex, that's just me, I'm a bit old school in my etiquette so maybe I'm out of touch here, my experience is those things aways end in fall outs and b*tch fests! 

x

[Alex39]

13 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Sorry, I thought you initially asked people what they wanted to do and went from there?

Again hunny I'm not defending your friends ghosting you, it's bad behaviour and no one should say they'll go to something then cancel with no intention originally of never going! That's just not right. 

Just trying to suggest things that make it easy for guests and you.

This dinner with those two other ladies sounds lovely. I'd personally invite your other friend who paid for the event, refund her her money and just have a nice time the four of you, you don't need lots of people to have a good time! Actually, the more intimate and small the better often, depending on what's happening!

You haven't done anything all wrong or I'm not scolding you I'm just saying, these things can be awkward and tricky to organise, people can be flaky, certain things you can do eases the whole thing for you. Rule of thumb for me I'd avoid pre-payment things or asking guests for money but again Alex, that's just me, I'm a bit old school in my etiquette so maybe I'm out of touch here, my experience is those things aways end in fall outs and b*tch fests! 

x

Oh, I'm never doing anything planned again. I don't think I'll be planning or celebrating anything with these girls again. If I see them, great, but I don't want all the stress of coordinating them again. I was so excited and I got my hopes up. 

[Cherylyn]

@Alex39I'm sorry.  I hope you do something for yourself for your birthday such as buy yourself something, treat yourself to a manicure / pedicure, buy a meal you're craving for, perhaps dessert, watch a great movie or whatever strikes your fancy.

Every year, I don't always make a big deal out of my birthday.  Sometimes, I'll enjoy a special dinner with my husband (and / or sons) whether dine out or take out and keep it low key.  In the past, it was with my local in-laws and relatives.  Other times, I'll spend the day shopping and dine out with my local, best childhood friend.  Or, I'll splurge on myself and buy a chic, posh handbag which I've had my eye on for awhile.  I love my handbags!   And, I'll buy myself stylish shoes because I love shoes, too.  I'll buy myself clothes.  No pity pot for me. 

I can be with friends during other times.  It doesn't have to be for my birthday. 

I realize everyone is different regarding how birthdays are celebrated.  Same with other occasions such as anniversaries, graduations, religious occasions, post funerals, etc. 

In the past, whenever there was a birthday celebration for my husband, sons or me, we paid for everyone's meals at a restaurant or hosted a party at my house with provided meals, (appetizers / side dishes) dessert, programmed playlist as background music, beverages (non-alcoholic) and festive  decor.  Same for my in-laws' birthday parties, anniversary parties, etc.  This was how I was raised.  Why?  Because it's asking a lot for "guests" to pay when they're already bringing gifts of money or tangible objects in tow not to mention they've given their precious time out of their busy lives to be with us by driving far and wide to arrive here.  Therefore, the least we could do for our guests was to entertain them thoroughly and very generously.     

Friends are more apt to celebrate your birthday if you make it more "wallet friendly" for them.  For example, host a modest gathering in your home.  Provide delicious food and if you wish, perhaps some game activities.  Have background music.  Entertain.  They'll bring gifts if you provide everything else and show them a good time worth their while.  Think like the guest or party attendee. 

[Lambert]

Happy pre birthday! maybe this is the year you decide you're going to make yourself happy and anyone that comes along for the ride is a bonus. 

When my bday comes along, I just plan my own treat or present or whatever.  And if anyone remembers, sends a card or a text or asks me to meet up that week or anytime specifically for the purpose of my day, well then- hot damn! Thank you! No reservations required.

On the other hand, if anyone forgets and says the days after- oops! I missed your bday. Well then- no worries you got me early for next  year.

my bday this year will probably be cake with the parents at my regular visit (not the day). I'll probably take the day off. Plan something like a massage for myself.  And anything else that happens - great.  If it's just me and the animals then it will be dance party and take out. me celebrating me and life. 

I think I've told you this b4, I always seem to have a lot of friends because I accept them as they are.  life as you point out is hard.  friends are the cherry on top of life. No pressure! enjoy what you can, laugh through what you can't. 

You expect too much. You think everyone owes you.  sorry.  but maybe you need to hear that. 

It's your birthday enjoy it! 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

I think I've told you this b4, I always seem to have a lot of friends because I accept them as they are.  Life as you point out is hard.  Friends are the cherry on top of life. No pressure! enjoy what you can, laugh through what you can't. 

You expect too much. You think everyone owes you.  sorry but maybe you need to hear that. 

It's your birthday enjoy it! 

I agree with @Lambert.  Lower your expectations and you won't feel as hurt, slighted, offended nor insulted. 

Don't keep score.  At the same time, if anything is unjust, simply don't participate.  Bow out and decline graciously.  No harm,  no foul. 

Life will always be unfair.  People are unfair.  Learn to adapt or say, "No thank you."  It's not that complicated. 

I don't agree with how I've been treated unfairly either.  However, I've since learned to do my own thing instead of always being a "yes" person.  I pick and choose which type of activity I'm willing to be involved in. 

Other people will not always play fair but this is how life is.  Accept people defects, flaws and all or choose the type of friends who will be a healthy balance for you.  Not every friend is a schmuck.  There are good people out there who will treat you well and as if you matter. 

Like you, I too am disappointed with people despite doing so much for others.  Most times, whatever I've done for others is not reciprocal.  Therefore, I've since backed off.  My time, labor, energy and resources are not generous as it was years ago.   I no longer knock myself out pleasing others.  I concentrate on myself, career, immediate family, good health, fitness, hobbies (cooking / sewing quilts / crafts / calligraphy / embossing / cake decorating), intellectual pursuits and do whatever I enjoy.  It's great having time for myself.  You ought to try it. 

[Lambert]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I concentrate on myself, career, immediate family, good health, fitness, hobbies (cooking / sewing quilts / crafts / calligraphy / embossing / cake decorating), intellectual pursuits and do whatever I enjoy.  It's great having time for myself.  You ought to try it. 

Amen! 

Time, energy, mental and physical health are too important to get bogged down with things or people that make us unhappy. 

Even with work... yes I have to do things I don't like but they pay me to do them.  if you reach a situation where the pay doesn't make up for the discomfort, its time to change the situation.  

Same with friends and family... it's your life. Make it serve you.  Feeling bad about it doesn't serve you.  

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/7/2023 at 11:22 PM, Alex39 said:

I'm heartbroken. I planned an activity for my birthday. Turning 31.  But you have to go online and pre-purchase a slot ahead of time. Each person had to do it themselves. I ran it by my girl friends. Everyone okay'd it and said they were free that night and the cost was fine. If someone couldnt afford it, I would have picked a cheaper thing to do. It was $60 per person, but you get something nice to take home. You have to book by tomorrow at 2pm for a Saturday night slot.  It's typically non-refundable.  So I went online and booked mine after everyone else said they would. 

Tonight, one girl bailed out. She never booked. I don't think she ever intended to. She was the one saying how we should do a fun activity. 

Haven't heard from the other two girls, so I figure they are bailing too. They aren't answering any messages. So far, I'm going alone 😖😭

I'm spending my birthday alone. 

I feel like such a loser. I wish my friends had just been upfront that they either couldn't or didn't want to go. I didn't care. I would have never booked this. 

I feel like my friends don't care and aren't good friends. I feel so alone. 

I guess I'm not going alone alone now. One last girl, felt so bad when I told her everyone bailed, that she went and booked it. 

I don't want people to do it out of pity. Now she's trying to rally some girls from her church who I barely know to go with us. 

I just feel so sad. Like I have no friends. I live and work away from my family. Maybe I should just move back to my hometown. It seems all I have is them to rely on. They actually care about me. 

When I throw a party, I pay for all of it.  So I have had some of the best birthday parties ever.  For Zombie Preparedness at a Shooting Range to Steak Dinner, which I didn't cover the food, but the shooting, yes.  Private rooms and tables at night clubs, karaoke party room, and my next one will be at a smash room.  I also threw an escape room for my hubs one year.  And I alternate birthday parties, because sometimes it's nice to just go to dinner with your family and best friends.  My buddy paid for all of us to see this famous performer and hotel to celebrate hers.  We had the best time.  

Don't take it personally.  No one likes to admit they can't afford something.  I would just ask grab drinks at someplace hip or new.  Ask if it's possible for credit for another night because you "got covid" and go some other time.  Or have people over for your bday, and make a signature cocktail.

[boltnrun]

One time a coworker planned a birthday dinner for herself at a very, very expensive Japanese steak house. Meals STARTED at $50+ per person. I thought it was mighty nervy of her to choose that place. I attended for coworker relationship purposes but I only ordered a side dish (I ate a real dinner before I went) and chipped in $15 toward her meal, which ended up costing over $90 with dinner and drinks! Too much.

Definitely err on the side of frugality when planning your birthday celebrations. 

[Cherylyn]

My friend's husband "invited" approximately a dozen of his wife's friends to celebrate her birthday years ago.  Everyone brought expensive gifts.  I baked a fancy cake.  After dinner and dessert, the waitress brought the bill and to my horror, my friend's husband only paid for his and his wife's meal; no one else's.  He was awfully tacky and miserly.  People are very busy with their own lives yet we drove quite a distance to arrive at the restaurant, brought generous gifts and the least the host could've done was paid for the restaurant tab.  Talk about cheap and ugly!   

Same with home entertainment.  Make sure guests are treated with very considerate, thorough hospitality because they're giving you their TIME when they could otherwise do something of their first choice, often times bring gifts for various occasions and spent gas for their cars or any mode of transportation to arrive at your doorstep.  Even on a budget, my guests always raved about the generous, delicious food I provided!  I was raised this way.  My mother was the same.  She taught me this:  "Make sure your hospitality is thick" meaning make sure you treat guests the way you would want to be treated which is ~ make them very happy.   They're more apt to continue being with you and if you don't treat them well, they'll habitually decline in the future.   

[Cherylyn]

My friend's husband "invited" approximately a dozen of his wife's friends to celebrate her birthday years ago.  Everyone brought expensive gifts.  I baked a fancy cake.  After dinner and dessert, the waitress brought the bill and to my horror, my friend's husband only paid for his and his wife's meal; no one else's.  He was awfully tacky and miserly.  People are very busy with their own lives yet we drove quite a distance to arrive at the restaurant, brought generous gifts and the least the host could've done was pay for the restaurant tab.  Talk about cheap and ugly!   

Same with home entertainment.  Make sure guests are treated with very considerate, thorough hospitality because they're giving you their TIME when they could've otherwise done something else such as their first choice.  Often times they've spent hard money by bringing gifts for various occasions and spent gas for their cars or any mode of transportation to arrive at your doorstep.  Even on a budget, my guests have always raved about the generous, delicious food I provided!  I provided ambience with wonderful background music.  (Can be a playlist or Spotify)  I was raised this way.  My mother was the same.  She taught me this:  "Make sure your hospitality is thick" meaning make sure you treat guests the way you would want to be treated which is ~ make them very happy.   They're more apt to continue being with you and if you don't treat them well, they'll habitually decline in the future.   

[Batya33]

In 2004 I went to a wedding of a friend who chose a lovely location -a botanical gardens -the issue was that it was really far from the train station and many -like me -were attending from the city and not driving there.  This was pre-rideshare etc. And it was unclear about taxi services at the train station.  They were not ultra wealthy people and it was a large wedding. What impressed me so much was a month or so before the wedding she emailed the group of us coming from the city and said they were hiring a bus to transport us from the train station and back.  I found that so thoughtful and generous -made our trip there so much better! Cherlyn's post reminded me of this - it doesn't have to be over the top -just make your guests feel cared for.

[greendots]

In regards to your birthday and friends. Remember, it is YOUR birthday. Not theirs. Therefore, you have the right to celebrate it however you wish.

Honestly, true friends will be there for you because it's YOUR day, whatever the activity. Exception, when they can't make it due to a genuine reason such as working on the day or emergency. If you know some of your friends really can't afford it, you can always ask them to do something together another time or choose an activity that's friendly to anyone's budget.

Also, after seeing you post so many threads where you are concerned about something–my suggestion, worry less about that which you cannot control.

Again, worry less about that which you cannot control. It's easier said than done, but it is worth the effort. 🙂

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

 Make sure guests are treated with very considerate, thorough hospitality because they're giving you their TIME when they could otherwise do something of their first choice

That's key.   Honestly sometimes social activities, even birthday parties for people you dearly love, can feel like obligations and a bit of a load to get enthusiastic about.  It happens to all of us, it doesn't signify lack of care for the birthday person.  I would tend to think of the party guests as my guests - which they are - rather than people who are supposed to be showering me with gifts and attention because it's my birthday.

[Tinydance]

I haven't read all the responses but have skim read. Actually a similar thing happened to me for my Birthday recently. I organised a lunch at a really pretty pink and rose themed restaurant with only close friends. The same as you, I gave them all the details before I even booked. It said it was $35 minimum spend per person, which is actually reasonable. A main meal is normally between $20 - $ 40 in nice restaurants. A glass of wine $10 -$15. So quite easy to spend that. I also let my friends know that if they RSVP yes but then need to cancel, to let me know two days in advance. As the restaurant would charge me $35 for every person who didn't turn up if they didn't give 48 hour notice. The restaurant actually took my credit card details.

Anyway, so on the actual day I had four friends who cancelled who previously said they were coming. I guess to be fair I did still have seven people come lol So I know that was great and it's also great that I even have 11 close friends lol To be honest I actually was disappointed those friends bailed on the day. Especially because three of them are very close friends since high school. I've known them for 22 years. I also had a Birthday picnic and those three friends didn't come to the picnic either. But one of them actually just reached out to me so that was nice.

I understand it's disappointing but I also think you have a negative attitude. Personally if that was me, I would have just gone to the restaurant with that one friend who did book it and would have tried to have a nice time. Maybe she didn't actually only book it out of pity. Maybe she actually wanted to go. Maybe try to see the silver lining in things. You know there are those "glass half empty " and "glass half full" people? You strike me as a glass half empty person.

Also I'm not sure if this is what's going on with your friends but you mentioned some of them are married and have kids. I just want to provide some perspective. I have a 4 - month- old son and since I've had him, it's actually very hard to maintain friendships. If I go anywhere, I mostly have to bring him along. So I'm limited in where I can go, which mostly is basically outside where people won't get annoyed ata screaming baby lol I went out for lunch with a couple of girl friends and he wouldn't settle down, so I had to leave. So it's not like I'm trying to abandon my friends but literally I don't have the ability to hang out with them a lot of the time. I can only do things when my son is napping or went to bed for the night. In fact I'm actually now feeling lonely because I'm basically the only one out of my friends who has a child. So they're going out and doing things and I'm now not part of it.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Also I'm not sure if this is what's going on with your friends but you mentioned some of them are married and have kids. I just want to provide some perspective. I have a 4 - month- old son and since I've had him, it's actually very hard to maintain friendships. If I go anywhere, I mostly have to bring him along. So I'm limited in where I can go, which mostly is basically outside where people won't get annoyed ata screaming baby lol I went out for lunch with a couple of girl friends and he wouldn't settle down, so I had to leave. So it's not like I'm trying to abandon my friends but literally I don't have the ability to hang out with them a lot of the time. I can only do things when my son is napping or went to bed for the night. In fact I'm actually now feeling lonely because I'm basically the only one out of my friends who has a child. So they're going out and doing things and I'm now not part of it.

Yes the kids thing -or having to care for elderly parents (we have a middle aged cousin in that situation -he is his father's main caregiver and until recently was basically all day every day). Some people have sitters/grandparents etc to help.  I didn't.  Nor did I feel comfortable leaving my infant.  I did get a number of comments 'just get a sitter" - no, not "just" with an infant.  My husband traveled a lot. 

I managed to make it to a 2-3 hour dinner when he was 2 months old -my husband stayed home.  One of the women -single, no kids also in her 40s asked me right away if I missed my son since I was away from him for dinner.  LOL.  I didn't LOL at that moment and didn't appreciate the "don't you feel guilty" -that was her look.

I did maintain friendships -worked really hard at that- just could not do most evening activities and I even didn't go to a fancy event I was invited to to meet someone very famous in person -I mean get to talk to the person -because I didn't feel comfortable being away for 8 hours given the risk of SIDS (my husband was really good with our son and didn't check on him quite as often as I would have liked back then -I probably checked too much).  So yes your friends OP if they have kids likely have to jump through more hoops to get extended time off.  

If I'd been invited to your bday event back then I most likely would have declined when my son was very young.  So it's a great point Tinydance.

 

[Cherylyn]

20 hours ago, Jaunty said:

That's key.   Honestly sometimes social activities, even birthday parties for people you dearly love, can feel like obligations and a bit of a load to get enthusiastic about.  It happens to all of us, it doesn't signify lack of care for the birthday person.  I would tend to think of the party guests as my guests - which they are - rather than people who are supposed to be showering me with gifts and attention because it's my birthday.

I agree @Jaunty.  I still like a lot of friends and family even though attending their parties does indeed often times feel like an obligation instead of a desire.  If I truly don't wish to attend or if a certain person isn't the type to pay me the same courtesy if it was my special day, often times I'll decline because I have better things to do as many people do. 

Regarding gifts, that's the guest's discretion.  Most times based upon my experience, they bring gifts for an occasion whether birthday, anniversary, graduation or whatever and the least I can do is pay for their meals whether at restaurants or home entertain.  I have no nerve to ask them to pay for their food and entertainment plus have them spend more money on gifts.  Even if they didn't bring gifts, asking them to spend a lot of money is often times something they would prefer not to do so I make it easy on them and leave the money equation out whether they prefer to bring gifts or not.

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I haven't read all the responses but have skim read. Actually a similar thing happened to me for my Birthday recently. I organised a lunch at a really pretty pink and rose themed restaurant with only close friends. The same as you, I gave them all the details before I even booked. It said it was $35 minimum spend per person, which is actually reasonable. A main meal is normally between $20 - $ 40 in nice restaurants. A glass of wine $10 -$15. So quite easy to spend that. I also let my friends know that if they RSVP yes but then need to cancel, to let me know two days in advance. As the restaurant would charge me $35 for every person who didn't turn up if they didn't give 48 hour notice. The restaurant actually took my credit card details.

Anyway, so on the actual day I had four friends who cancelled who previously said they were coming. I guess to be fair I did still have seven people come lol So I know that was great and it's also great that I even have 11 close friends lol To be honest I actually was disappointed those friends bailed on the day. Especially because three of them are very close friends since high school. I've known them for 22 years. I also had a Birthday picnic and those three friends didn't come to the picnic either. But one of them actually just reached out to me so that was nice.

I understand it's disappointing but I also think you have a negative attitude. Personally if that was me, I would have just gone to the restaurant with that one friend who did book it and would have tried to have a nice time. Maybe she didn't actually only book it out of pity. Maybe she actually wanted to go. Maybe try to see the silver lining in things. You know there are those "glass half empty " and "glass half full" people? You strike me as a glass half empty person.

Also I'm not sure if this is what's going on with your friends but you mentioned some of them are married and have kids. I just want to provide some perspective. I have a 4 - month- old son and since I've had him, it's actually very hard to maintain friendships. If I go anywhere, I mostly have to bring him along. So I'm limited in where I can go, which mostly is basically outside where people won't get annoyed ata screaming baby lol I went out for lunch with a couple of girl friends and he wouldn't settle down, so I had to leave. So it's not like I'm trying to abandon my friends but literally I don't have the ability to hang out with them a lot of the time. I can only do things when my son is napping or went to bed for the night. In fact I'm actually now feeling lonely because I'm basically the only one out of my friends who has a child. So they're going out and doing things and I'm now not part of it.

As a mother of two sons, I can relate @Tinydance.  Congratulations on your new baby! 

It was difficult for me to maintain friendships with not one but two little sons.  My husband traveled a lot, all of my local relatives are employed, my local in-laws were an hour away and hauling two little sons wasn't easy in order to socialize.  Sometimes, I invited people to my house for lunch or dinner.  If I met anyone, it had to brief, for example, just tea or coffee.  Or, a walk.  I didn't want to disrupt my boys' nap schedules so often times, my friendships fell by the wayside.  However, whenever I could get together, we just picked up right where we left off.  No harm no foul.  I did what I could.  I was never criticized either which was nice.  Everyone was understanding and often times, my friends were in similar situations.  It was nothing personal.  I was bogged down with a new family life.  No judgement. 

Whenever I've hosted birthday parties or any celebrations, I always provided everything (generous, delicious food, etc) and most guests brought gifts whether at a restaurant or house.  It's the way it has always been and will be because this is my habit.

My friend's husband invited us to his wife's birthday party at a restaurant.  We brought expensive gifts.  I baked a fancy cake.  Then at the end of dinner and dessert, my friend's husband had the nerve to have a dozen "guests" pay for their own meals and beverages which I thought was very gauche. ☹️ We took time out of our very busy lives to attend this party, brought pricey gifts, I made the birthday cake from scratch and we had to pay for our meals and beverages, too.  Talk about cheap!  ☹️  It was disdainful.