Question for dumpers...

[Levi96]

I (26M) was dating exclusively (not in an official relationship yet) a guy (27M) for two months in September/October. We saw each other a lot. Maybe 3-4 times a week. Out of the blue he told me he was feeling suffocated and wanted to stop dating me. He asked for space, which felt good for me because I was really hurt because I didn't saw it coming. He said from his end he asked for space because he didn't want to lead me on or giving me false hope. 

Now, 2,5 month later, we are texting each other daily again. Not a lot (like 10 hours+ between replies) and just about daily things but we established some contact again. I told him that I still feel for him as more than a friend. He didn't react negatively or turned it down but also didn't mention that he felt the same. He said: "Let's talk about this when we are meeting face-to-face". 

We are going to meet in two weeks again and I have to say, I still have some hope that there is 'more'. 

Dumpers out here, would you meet with your 'ex' if the dumpee told you he is still open for more? Of course, I ask this to get some perspective on my situation... 😉



 

[boltnrun]

I had lunch with a man I had chosen to stop dating. He seemed to think he was going to get some sex. He even said so. I shut that down and he left a few minutes after I made it clear sex was not going to happen.

I also saw an ex who I was very much still in love with. We had sex and I thought it meant we were back together, but he said it did NOT mean that. I was terribly hurt.

I can't say why he wants to meet with you, but I can definitely strongly advise you do not have sex with him. Having sex will not automatically mean you two are back together. And if it ends up being just a hookup you will end up feeling really bad. 

[Levi96]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I had lunch with a man I had chosen to stop dating. He seemed to think he was going to get some sex. He even said so. I shut that down and he left a few minutes after I made it clear sex was not going to happen.
 

Quote

I am not looking for sex. So for me this is not the case. 

I also saw an ex who I was very much still in love with. We had sex and I thought it meant we were back together, but he said it did NOT mean that. I was terribly hurt.

I can't say why he wants to meet with you, but I can definitely strongly advise you do not have sex with him. Having sex will not automatically mean you two are back together. And if it ends up being just a hookup you will end up feeling really bad. 

But thanks for clearing this up! Of course I read some things already about meeting up with an 'ex' and indeed sex is off the table for me.

I'm just curious to know why he is open for meeting up right now but I guess I will find out in two weeks... ;-) 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Levi96 said:

I (26M) was dating exclusively (not in an official relationship yet) a guy (27M) for two months in September/October. We saw each other a lot. Maybe 3-4 times a week. Out of the blue he told me he was feeling suffocated and wanted to stop dating me. He asked for space, which felt good for me because I was really hurt because I didn't saw it coming. He said from his end he asked for space because he didn't want to lead me on or giving me false hope. 

Now, 2,5 month later, we are texting each other daily again. Not a lot (like 10 hours+ between replies) and just about daily things but we established some contact again. I told him that I still feel for him as more than a friend. He didn't react negatively or turned it down but also didn't mention that he felt the same. He said: "Let's talk about this when we are meeting face-to-face". 

We are going to meet in two weeks again and I have to say, I still have some hope that there is 'more'. 

Dumpers out here, would you meet with your 'ex' if the dumpee told you he is still open for more? Of course, I ask this to get some perspective on my situation... 😉



 

I got back together with my ex fiancee and we got married.  Years later.  I didn't dump him -we ended things and I first did and he then didn't want to get back together right away but did choose to meet up a month later.  For dinner.  We got back together almost 8 years later.  

I think you are playing games with your heart by letting yourself get attached again.  He may simply want to be polite and tell you face to face he doesn't want to be with you or wants to tell you about another person he is with and wants to tell you face to face.  Or he may not know at this moment.  Sounds like nothing has changed except he's content to be your chat buddy. Why are you settling for that?

When I reconnected with my ex fiancee he contacted me and said he was going to be in town and did I want to get lunch to catch up.  Friendly.  We'd met once 1.5 years ago for a quick dinner. platonic.  We'd emailed each other a few times a year about mutual friends, our jobs, etc -mostly impersonal.  8 months before we met one of my best friends died. She was also my cousin.  My ex knew her fairly well so given our limited contact I told him.  At that point we emailed a bit more often.  Just like when his grandmother had died years earlier.  But related to condolences and memories and sympathy.  

When we met it was with no expectations.  Sparks flew.  We then saw each other two more times platonically -he asked.  Very little contact in between.  About 5 weeks after the first dinner he asked me to get back together.  Keep in mind we'd spent hours together on the first two platonic get togethers.  We'd emailed a little bit and spoken maybe three times by phone to make plans.  Neither of us needed extended texting and being all buddy buddy to know we wanted to try again.  My sense is you're clinging on to this constant texting and telling yourself it's a sign of romantic interest on his end.  Please do not assume.  Take care of your heart.

[boltnrun]

I met up with my ex because the guy I had been currently dating was giving me some problems. I knew this ex very badly wanted to see me so I basically used him to make myself feel better. I didn't feel bad because we'd split because he had been lying to me about living with another woman. But it was not at all because I wanted to reconcile. I just wanted some attention.

Please guard yourself by not allowing him to convince you sex is a good idea. No matter what flattering things he may say to you. I'm glad you say sex won't happen, but sometimes we want to convince ourselves that having sex will make them want us back. It seldom does. 

[Kwothe28]

Nah. My firm policy is never to take an ex back. It is a firm believe in my family that once somebody dissapoints you, you can never mend that back properly. And it did served me rather nicely. Whether its about friends or relationships. One time I broke that rule is when I thought the other person felt strongly about me. She felt so strongly about me that she made a baby with the same guy she left me for the first time. Eh, live and learn I guess.

Anyway, dont get together with that man. When people leave you, they never leave you because of them. They always leave you because of you. He already deemed you as "not good enough". And left you unceremoniously. There are no indications that changed in meantime. He doesnt even chase you or wants you back at all. It would only lead you to more pain and you should have cut contact after break up.

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Nah. My firm policy is never to take an ex back. It is a firm believe in my family that once somebody dissapoints you, you can never mend that back properly. And it did served me rather nicely. Whether its about friends or relationships. One time I broke that rule is when I thought the other person felt strongly about me. She felt so strongly about me that she made a baby with the same guy she left me for the first time. Eh, live and learn I guess.

Anyway, dont get together with that man. When people leave you, they never leave you because of them. They always leave you because of you. He already deemed you as "not good enough". And left you unceremoniously. There are no indications that changed in meantime. He doesnt even chase you or wants you back at all. It would only lead you to more pain and you should have cut contact after break up.

I know of  a number of stories like mine that worked out great.  In my case years had passed, we both changed and in way that complemented each other and 17 years later we're together, married, happy and the issues we had first time around are not there because of all of the above. There was no cheating, abuse, addiction, betrayal.  I can see where there's no going back if that were the case.

  It helped that our family and friends were thrilled we got back together -we didn't "need" their support but it sure was nice!

If we'd gotten back together a month later as I wanted it never would have worked. Or worked again because then we'd have had very bad "baggage".

[boltnrun]

I can tell you one situation where reconciliation never works, and that's when only one of the two people wants to reconcile. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Levi96 said:

We are going to meet in two weeks again and I have to say, I still have some hope that there is 'more'. 

He's chrystal clear that he wants casual hookups. So you'll have to decide if you're on board or not. Try not to to get into wishing and hoping. 

That will only lead to hurt and resentment. Unfortunately this is a take-it-or-leave it situation, not a let's see if he wants what I want even though he clearly stated he doesn't.

[Cherylyn]

Oh ______ NO!  He feels suffocated? 🙄 Then give him all the time and space he wants PERMANENTLY!  Dump him back.  There's no more talk to be had.  There is no point.  Dump the chump.

[Cherylyn]

@spinstermanqueeYeah, the joke's on him! 

[Betterwithout]

On 2/7/2023 at 9:15 AM, Levi96 said:

he told me he was feeling suffocated and wanted to stop dating me. He asked for space, which felt  He said from his end he asked for space because he didn't want to lead me on or giving me false hope. 
 

Some good viewpoints so far...

My first instinct based on your words above is that he is keeping you waiting in the wings and likely dating other women in the meantime.  Maybe things went South with other options so he is coming back to you.

I would duck out altogether as I am not into games.

[MissCanuck]

On 2/7/2023 at 3:15 PM, Levi96 said:

Now, 2,5 month later, we are texting each other daily again.

Who initiated this? You or him?

On 2/7/2023 at 3:15 PM, Levi96 said:

We are going to meet in two weeks again

And this? Which one of you invited the other to meet?