I just don’t know how to handle this situation or what to do, please help me

[Hopeful887766]

Where to start I met the most amazing beautiful lady around 2 years ago, we instantly hit it off, had so much in common and I had never felt so connected and happy with anyone like this before, I truly felt I had finally found my soulmate. We are engaged and have our summer wedding booked for July next year, she constantly says how much she loves me and can’t wait to live together full time and I thought everything was going so well, we’ve had plenty of mini breaks, and a few main holidays during our time together we regularly go out together and do all kinds of things together and with our friends who have pretty much become both our friends now we have the most loving intimate times together and well I felt we couldn’t be happier.

 

I have always respected my partners privacy and feelings with upmost care and compassion and have always been a loving supportive shoulder to cry on when things haven’t gone well at work. Over Christmas we stayed at my parents house and here comes the part that makes me feel like a criminal and ashamed of myself, my partner writes in a journal usually to relieve stressful times and that’s part of her coping mechanism which I fully understand but while I was making the bed and my partner had gone out with my parents to my sisters house to pick up the twins who all seem to get on really well with her, i carelessly knocked her journal off the bedside cabinet and it flew on to the floor releasing a scrap of paper which looked like it was just jotted down on an blank invoice while she was at work one day. Now I’m not in the habit of reading journals as I understand the private nature of this and respect it for people that find comfort and peace from doing so but as it picked it up I couldn’t help but glance at it and saw my name mentioned with a sentence along the lines of “if you’re not interested I can just commit to Mick and pine away my love for you”

 

My heart sank and I felt both ashamed of my actions and carelessness but also sick to my stomach and betrayed my heart started pounding and felt like I was about to lose my lunch I’ve never felt such a wave of pain sweep across me, I took several minutes to calm myself and then I had the overwhelming drive to find out what was happening as I had absolutely no idea anything was going on while we were apart. So I read the rest of her journal and it was such painful reading I was feeling so wounded and disgusted in myself for my actions but I needed to know the not knowing would have eaten away at me.

 

In a nutshell she doesn’t appear to have slept with him yet but she has been out with him many times and speaks of her love for him and desire for them to be a couple they have kissed many times and she goes on about missing him when he’s not with her and she looks forward to their time together. She constantly page after page expresses her love for him and her trying to get together with him but he sounds sometimes reluctant. She goes on to say if he isn’t interested he needs to let her go so she can commit to me and be happy. They text each other constantly throughout the day but she also texts me too. She lied to me about feeling unwell and asked to go home but then arranged to go out with the other man. She sees me as the safe option that can give her everything she wants but never once says in her journal she loves or misses me but constantly expresses her desire and love for him. She mentions thinking of him while we make love and dreaming about him when she’s with me and wishes she was talking and spending time with him.

 

The journal goes on very similarly for the other entries on one hand I feel ashamed for reading it but also so betrayed for her behaviour and even now she still expresses her complete love for me to my face.

 

I just don’t know what to do please help me sort out this mess of emotions.

[Batya33]

If you are sure she wrote this I honestly would just end things and tell her you sense she is settling for you.  If you tell her you violated her privacy she might end things for that reason.  It's odd to me she brought her journal with her to your parents' home and left it as she did -perhaps she wanted you to see it.

[MissCanuck]

I would end it with her. She will surely know why. 

And if she gets mad and accuses you of reading her journal? Meh, let her. She is cheating so stomping her feet about her privacy is nothing but noise this point. 

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's odd to me she brought her journal with her to your parents' home and left it as she did -perhaps she wanted you to see it

I think that is exactly what happened. Nobody else in their right mind would bring a journal with such damning entires to their freakin' in-laws' house unless they wanted to get caught and be "freed" from the relationship. 

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, Hopeful887766 said:

I just don’t know what to do please

Send her to the streets where she belongs!

You are the "safe option". In case some other guy doesnt want her. Do you really want to be that? You deserve better then that and she deserves you throwing her stuff on the streets and never say "Hi" to her again!

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Hopeful887766 said:

   page after page expresses her love for him and her trying to get together with him but he sounds sometimes reluctant. 

Sorry this is happening. What is the timeframe for this affair? Are they still texting? Unfortunately it sounds like he's married and she's with you because he won't leave his wife. 

Unfortunately you'll have to confront her with this. You don't need to mention the journal, just ask who (what's his name) is and what's going on . Then call off the wedding.

[Jaunty]

Ugh.  You have no choice but to end it.  Otherwise you'd be completely untrue to yourself.   

It doesn't matter if she knows you read her journal.  I don't think you went snooping on purpose but even if you did, it is immaterial under the circumstances.   It turned out to be good that you did; going forward with marrying her would have been a travesty.  Frankly, if it were me, I would just tell her the truth - she needs to know that she read her words.  This way she won't try to talk you out of breaking up and won't succeed in gaslighting you.  

I'm sorry.  

[Hopeful887766]

I believe he is a work colleague she has worked with for around 5-6 years, I did actually bring up the texts with her and she apologised and said she would text less frequently and tbh I haven’t noticed so many over the last 3-4 weeks whether she has scaled them back or just hides them better from me I really don’t know.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Hopeful887766 said:

 I did actually bring up the texts with her and she apologised and said she would text less 

Ok. So you need not mention the journal specifically, since this topic has already been an issue. They're having an affair. Just tell her you "found out" (don't mention how) about it and the wedding is off.

[Batya33]

What made you bring up texts with a coworker? Is that what you suspected when you read her journal?

[Hopeful887766]

What I’m struggling with is we’ve had such good times together and I never felt she didn’t love me, was it all actually just an act, am I actually just the biggest fool there is? I’m really struggling with things atm.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Hopeful887766 said:

What I’m struggling with is we’ve had such good times together and I never felt she didn’t love me, was it all actually just an act, am I actually just the biggest fool there is? I’m really struggling with things atm.

So you never felt she didn't love you but your recent actions were to be concerned about her texting her male coworker then not being sure she was simply hiding texts.  So how is that consistent with believing she was a loyal, committed partner?  Love - she might love you a lot! Doesn't mean she's marrying you for the right reasons -love isn't enough sometimes.  I'm sorry you're struggling.

[Hopeful887766]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What made you bring up texts with a coworker? Is that what you suspected when you read her journal?

No obviously we spend lots of time together and we notice each others phones as we’re together and his name pops up very very frequently or it did atleast, so I actually just asked her and I said something like wow you send almost as many texts as we do and I told her I find that really unusual to the sheer amount as it does make me feel slightly uncomfortable.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Hopeful887766 said:

am I actually just the biggest fool there is? I’m really struggling with things atm.

Yes of course you are. She seriously betrayed you.  Please tell her you know and the wedding is off. Unfortunately just as she lied about ending it before, she'll lie again. 

[Jaunty]

Yes, betrayal is a confidence destroyer.  Who knows whether you misread her or what.  That's for figuring out later.  You can't fix this relationship though, it's built on false premises, so your first step is to end it.  

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Hopeful887766 said:

No obviously we spend lots of time together and we notice each others phones as we’re together and his name pops up very very frequently or it did atleast, so I actually just asked her and I said something like wow you send almost as many texts as we do and I told her I find that really unusual to the sheer amount as it does make me feel slightly uncomfortable.

I've lived with my husband since 2008.  I can't remember ever noticing his phone or him noticing mine in the way you describe.  Once in awhile I walk by his desk which is in our living room lol and I see that he has an email notification from work that looks important so I'll tell him.  Or once in awhile his phone rings or pings when he is in another room and if I happen to see who's calling or if he's told me he's waiting for a call or text I'll let him know.  

Something is not adding up here - your take on noticing her phone, noticing who she's texting and comparing it to how often you two text - and this was because the person was male? My sense is something else was going on within you were things were not actually adding up.

[Hopeful887766]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I've lived with my husband since 2008.  I can't remember ever noticing his phone or him noticing mine in the way you describe.  Once in awhile I walk by his desk which is in our living room lol and I see that he has an email notification from work that looks important so I'll tell him.  Or once in awhile his phone rings or pings when he is in another room and if I happen to see who's calling or if he's told me he's waiting for a call or text I'll let him know.  

Something is not adding up here - your take on noticing her phone, noticing who she's texting and comparing it to how often you two text - and this was because the person was male? My sense is something else was going on within you were things were not actually adding up.

When we’re out on a meal for example we pop our phones out on the table and how we have them set up the senders name pops up and brief overview of the contents no matter how much you try not to notice things believe me over time things do start to manage to become noticeable and I suppose if there is even the slightest spark of doubt in the back of your mind it does tend to grow over time despite trying to ignore things, plus our watches ping up message previews it’s hard not to notice things sometimes even with phones away the watches remain, then there’s body language a change in breathing all sorts of little things that I’ve dismissed as nothing in the past but seem much more aware of since discovering more, perhaps my mind is seeing more than actually there I just don’t know but I can’t unread what I did and still feel ashamed I did so.

[Jaunty]

31 minutes ago, Hopeful887766 said:

I believe he is a work colleague she has worked with for around 5-6 years, I did actually bring up the texts with her and she apologised and said she would text less frequently and tbh I haven’t noticed so many over the last 3-4 weeks whether she has scaled them back or just hides them better from me I really don’t know.

Why didn't you mention this in your OP?  You've been having issues over this guy for at least a month and you've already discussed her texting with him ... so all was not sunshine and unicorns like you described it.    Her deal with the co-worker has been "out" between you for a long time.  So you aren't blindsided here.

[Batya33]

Look it's always awful to find out this sort of information.  You are the victim here whether you should have paid closer attention or not.  I'm sorry.

[MissCanuck]

You have been played by her, yes. 

She isn't with you for the right reasons, and she is not the woman you thought she was. This sort of thing isn't salvagable. It's time to break up. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Hopeful887766 said:

When we’re out on a meal for example we pop our phones out on the table and how we have them set up the senders name pops up and brief overview of the contents no matter how much you try not to notice things believe me over time things do start to manage to become noticeable and I suppose if there is even the slightest spark of doubt in the back of your mind it does tend to grow over time despite trying to ignore things, plus our watches ping up message previews it’s hard not to notice things sometimes even with phones away the watches remain, then there’s body language a change in breathing all sorts of little things that I’ve dismissed as nothing in the past but seem much more aware of since discovering more, perhaps my mind is seeing more than actually there I just don’t know but I can’t unread what I did and still feel ashamed I did so.

Oh ok - so the only time we have our phones out during a meal is if we're using them -like a fast food meal on the road - but otherwise unless our son is playing games on my husband's phone -if we are at dinner there's no reason to have phones out and it never occurred to me to look at my husband's phone screen (it's rare we receive texts/calls during that short period of time).  I understand now it was a noticing rather than monitoring thing.  But if you were so in tune to her breathing/who was texting my sense is you weren't entirely comfortable in the relationship.

[Hopeful887766]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Why didn't you mention this in your OP?  You've been having issues over this guy for at least a month and you've already discussed her texting with him ... so all was not sunshine and unicorns like you described it.    Her deal with the co-worker has been "out" between you for a long time.  So you aren't blindsided here.

Because at the time I had complete trust and love in her and didn’t really find it strange I text my co workers both male and female but usually during office hours and very rarely afterwards, the only reason I mentioned the texts was because I found it excessive when I noticed the frequency as not just one person texts generally.  so as I was uncomfortable I just straight out asked her about it and basically it ended with she was sorry and would be more mindful and didn’t realise it was bothering me, before I knew her she had a bad time with her ex and he was very supportive and attentive towards her at work and she says he’s a really good friend, but it appears it has developed from my partners side into an infatuation and she appears to be pursuing and fantasying about being in a relationship with him, I really have no idea of her co workers intention but they have exchanged kisses and nights out together.

[Jaunty]

44 minutes ago, Hopeful887766 said:

 I did actually bring up the texts with her and she apologised and said she would text less frequently and tbh I haven’t noticed so many over the last 3-4 weeks whether she has scaled them back or just hides them better from me I really don’t know.

Clearly you've been monitoring her texts, in order to be aware of their quantity / frequency. 

It really is not important at this point.  I was just curious why your OP was 100% positive and the discovery of the journal presented as a complete blindside.  It doesn't make a difference except I suppose you actually already gave her a chance to cut the guy loose and be faithful to you when you confronted her about the texts in the past.  

She didn't care to do that.  

[boltnrun]

Are you actually considering going through with marrying her?

[greendots]

I'm really sorry you're hurt and going through all this. Please heed the advice of others.

From what you've told us, her heart belongs to another man. Look, she may honestly like you, consider you a great catch, desire a life of marriage. But if her heart isn't into it, doesn't matter how much she convinces you or herself that she's fully into you – it won't work.

Not sure if you watch Gilmore Girls, but there was a scene pertinent to what you're going through. Lorelai (mother) was at the time married to Christopher, her child's dad. Turns out the marriage didn't work out. Because no matter how amazing Christopher was, he wasn't the guy Lorelai was in love with. She really wanted Christopher to be that guy. He just wasn't.

[Andrina]

Your guardian angels are shaking their heads at you. They threw not one but numerous secrets in your face and you're perplexed about your next move? If you don't take the time to boost your self-worth, you will continue to attract and accept toxic people.