Being Friendzoned by men

[Stephaniee]

Hello everyone

i am in my mid twenties and I've never been in a relationship. although i try to be presentable but almost always others like my friends. I somehow blend with the background. I  am a little shy when talking to someone i dont know but afterwards i talk more and about various topics. when i start to open up, men pull away. I dont understand why! i am friendly and I give compliments to others, i try to talk in a positive way but i never receive compliments on my looks or get asked on dates. its frustrating knowing that no one finds me good enough to date!

What do you advice me to do?

[Betterwithout]

Hard to say...
In your conversations, are the 50% 50% or do you do most of the talking?
Try to get a 50/50 ratio going.
For shy people, it might be good to ask them about themselves.  Then build on something from those words in a response.
example:
You: so how do you know Josh?
Him:  we played football in College
You:  oh that's cool, I played volleyball, so are you competitive type?
and so on.

 

[Stephaniee]

i do ask others questions as well , i dont do all the talking 

[Coily]

It kind of depends on how you open up and how deep the early conversations become. If you go too personal then people in general shy away thinking one is looking for an emotional crutch.

As for you getting compliments, it could have less to do with you (I'd say probably zero to do with you) and some good men being hesitant to compliment a woman. The last few years the younger men I know get very uncomfortable giving a compliment to a woman, in case it is weaponized against them. Now these are mostly college age guys, so a different experience than out in the work force.

I would really say that you ARE good enough to date, and with serious intent; unfortunately where you may be looking for men is not going to find you a good match. I would suggest take your hard and fast criteria and expand it just a little, and see if that changes.

Also body language can play a big role, so if you are talking to a guy you are interested in, try not to cross your arms when listening.

Best of luck, I hope you find someone to take you on a fantastic date!

[Batya33]

Where do you typically meet men?

[Andrina]

Can you ask your friends to be blunt and ask them what they're observing? Tell them you want them to be frank, as in constructive criticism, so that you can work on these things if you're doing things you don't even realize.

I know people can misinterpret things very easily when it comes to others, and especially shy people. I know firsthand because I'm shy myself. When I was a teen in a girls organization, a girl I eventually became friends with told me at first she assumed I was a snob. I'm actually a very earthy person and don't consider myself a snob, but my reserved nature made her think that. In one high school psychology class, we had an exercise where I found out other students considered me to be calm, whereas my brain was on edge and full of anxiety.

When you say "open up," can you explain what you talk about? Do you mean emotional and serious topics, or just fun topics like what pets you have and what your hobbies are?

[Batya33]

So when you say friendzoned do you mean they seek you out to get to know you platonically/ask you to do activities as friends? Not asking you out simply means they are not interested in taking you on a date/are not romantically attracted.  Certainly I wouldn't then see the person socially as a platonic friend if I felt attracted but if you did get to know the man as a friend perhaps he could set you up with one of his friends. 

[nublu2]

3 hours ago, Stephaniee said:

What do you advice me to do?

The only good advice I can give is to keep being you and doing you. Whatever your issue is and no matter how frustrating it is, it is unlikely that you have down anything 'wrong'. Don't feel the need to change. 

I think especially in your 20s a lot of people have an unrealistic and superficial vision of the mate they are looking for. I mean, who doesn't want a rich, sex-fiend, supermodel that everybody else wants?

But as people get older that changes. The girls that were funny, easy to get along with and seemingly average looking are suddenly so much more attractive, in all aspects. 

I think it can be a maturity issue but also for young men - even in today's more equal opportunity world - there are big expectations for them... And they can also be threatened by a woman that may be smarter or more successful than them. So again, don't change, just wait for the right guy that appreciates "you".

Good luck!

[Batya33]

Just now, nublu2 said:

And they can also be threatened by a woman that may be smarter or more successful than them.

The men who are intimidated are not a good match for the OP.  But the OP should be mindful of not wearing her "professional hat" at social gatherings and it sounds like she already talks to people in a genuine and thoughtful way -not a self-absorbed braggy way.  I met a couple of men who were intimidated just knowing about my professional background and that I was intelligent. Oh well.  They weren't for me.  And that was ok.

[nublu2]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

The men who are intimidated are not a good match for the OP.  But the OP should be mindful of not wearing her "professional hat" at social gatherings and it sounds like she already talks to people in a genuine and thoughtful way -not a self-absorbed braggy way.  I met a couple of men who were intimidated just knowing about my professional background and that I was intelligent. Oh well.  They weren't for me.  And that was ok.

Totally agree the intimidated would not be a good match - for any woman really.

But I'm not sure that a woman should ever 'hide' her professional side or intellect. It seems like those could actually be quite helpful indicators of compatibility or the need to move on. 

Men are 90% hormones at the worst of times. A young guy in any sort of social situation is 110% hormones.

That attitude is tough to get past with any sort of logic whatsoever. But there is no need to stoop down to that level when there are others out there more compatible. 

We are a simple breed. But we get smarter... Some of us anyway. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, nublu2 said:

Totally agree the intimidated would not be a good match - for any woman really.

But I'm not sure that a woman should ever 'hide' her professional side or intellect. It seems like those could actually be quite helpful indicators of compatibility or the need to move on. 

Men are 90% hormones at the worst of times. A young guy in any sort of social situation is 110% hormones.

That attitude is tough to get past with any sort of logic whatsoever. But there is no need to stoop down to that level when there are others out there more compatible. 

We are a simple breed. But we get smarter... Some of us anyway. 

Never ever did I hide any of it.  Not what I wrote.  I disagree with what you wrote as far as how people react to hormonal urges. Or "men".  I dated for 24 years on and off -meaning when I wasn't in a serious relatiionship.  I never hid the fact that I had a career and that I was smart. But I didn't wear my professional hat -meaning I wasn't there to manage people or act "tough" -not tough but you know in the managerial sense. I always was very feminine and fun and loved to banter and flirt so I didn't act all buttoned up.  That's all I meant.

[nublu2]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I disagree with what you wrote as far as how people react to hormonal urges. Or "men".

I'm not sure what you mean. 

I was just indicating that men are rather simple creatures (I am one, I can admit), but very often we are focused on the primal urge and that can shade other more relevant factors.  Such a missing out on a perfect woman, just because she doesn't fit our vision of "the perfect woman". 

[SooSad33]

You're still growing & learning... as a person.. and as a woman.

Give it time.  I feel those weren't your 'partner' potential.

So, you move on... next 😉 .

Some people have dating spree's.  They date one after another ( or use).  One can learn from those experiences.. until the 'right one' comes along.  Or some can be very selective and just wait it out.  We all have different experiences and different ways.

About yourself, are you 'happy' with yourself?  Looks, career, etc?  Confidence helps.  Is fine to be more 'quiet/shy'. I was the same, but did end up meeting my first ex at his place for a party. Sometimes it can be nice to change things up a bit.  Like go out & buy yourself something nice or get a new hair cut. Things like this helps us to 'feel better'. Feel special by treating ourselves 🙂 .

I am not sure if there is anything you should change, I dont know you, lol.  I just suggest you carry on as you are.  I'm sure someday you will come to meet a special someone for YOU.  Some guy will come to take a liking and look to get to know you more.  Sometimes, things like this takes time. 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

I would also ask for what kind of a men are you going for? Because sometimes what we are asking for and what we can get are two different things. And you are inexperienced to know such stuff so maybe there is a discrepancy there. It could be various stuff. You seem to have the right approach. But it doesnt yield you men. So it means that maybe you are doing something wrong.

Also, what is the frequency that you meet those men? On the other thread you said you met a guy through work. But that is just one guy that youve met by accident at work. What are you doing to actively meet guys? Do you go out with friends? Mix with the large crowds of people? You need to go out of the way to meet a lot of men. And that maybe from that crowd some would maybe want to date you. If you meet just one guy accidentally, chances are that he already has someone or just doesnt want to date you. That is why you need to meet a lot of them so some of them would stick around.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, nublu2 said:

I'm not sure what you mean. 

I was just indicating that men are rather simple creatures (I am one, I can admit), but very often we are focused on the primal urge and that can shade other more relevant factors.  Such a missing out on a perfect woman, just because she doesn't fit our vision of "the perfect woman". 

Yes some people choose to react to primal urges in the way you described -women as well. This isn't just true in dating.

And some people are looking for the "perfect" man or woman as opposed to a perfect match for themselves. 

I found in my dating experiences that to decrease the risk of encountering men who would focus on looks to the exclusion of almost everything else (meaning sure men are more visual and adult men who are looking for a serious relationship choose how to react to "visual" so that they can get to know a woman as an individual person) - I made sure I was in environments like volunteer work, singles events where the focus was not on bars/drinking, and when I met men through on line sites (over 100 in person) I screened out men whose profiles were focused too much on looks/sex or who focused on looks or made sexual comments when we spoke/messaged.  

This is why I asked the OP where she is meeting these men.  

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Stephaniee said:

its frustrating knowing that no one finds me good enough to date

Perhaps you may just be looking in the wrong places. Are these bars or work events? 

Look into joining some groups and clubs, volunteer, taking some classes and courses. Getting involved in sports and fitness. .

That way you can mingle with people regularly and make friends as well as get to know men better without worrying about compliments, pickup lines,etc.

 

[smackie9]

I figured it out at an early age that boys/men are visual creatures. You need to have sex appeal, not only in looks but also body language, and know how to flirt. I suggest you seek out a few sessions with a dating coach, or even call on some Gfs to give you a makeover and a few tips on what they do to catch a man’s eye. Being “presentable “ and know some topics to talk about doesn’t cut it. And that’s why you are where you are at.

 I’m not saying get some collagen lips, etc. Work with what you have but be enhanced. Go to a clothing store and have the salesperson work a few new pieces into your wardrobe. Head over to the makeup counter and get a free make over and consolation. Maybe even find a good salon to refresh with a new hair colour or subtle foils, cut/ style. 
If you want things to change, you need to make changes. 

[Batya33]

Also how is your posture and how do you stand/present yourself? I used  to repeat to myself "you are beautiful and glamorous" as I entered a room even though I totally didn't feel like it!  Also I am petite so I always had good posture/walked tall and with confidence.

[Stephaniee]

@Batya33 i do stand up straight and smile when I enter the room. I am short (5 ^ 1 ) I also try to be positive when I talk to others

[Stephaniee]

12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would also ask for what kind of a men are you going for? Because sometimes what we are asking for and what we can get are two different things. And you are inexperienced to know such stuff so maybe there is a discrepancy there. It could be various stuff. You seem to have the right approach. But it doesnt yield you men. So it means that maybe you are doing something wrong.

Also, what is the frequency that you meet those men? On the other thread you said you met a guy through work. But that is just one guy that youve met by accident at work. What are you doing to actively meet guys? Do you go out with friends? Mix with the large crowds of people? You need to go out of the way to meet a lot of men. And that maybe from that crowd some would maybe want to date you. If you meet just one guy accidentally, chances are that he already has someone or just doesnt want to date you. That is why you need to meet a lot of them so some of them would stick around.

Honestly I look for calm and collected men. Who aren’t afraid to express their opinions.   I usually meet men at seminars, work or through friends, some act interested but after talking couple of times. They pull away  or say that they are busy!  Just like that guy at work who acted interested and asked me many questions and of course I reciprocated and asked him as well. But when I started to like him he stopped talking as much. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Stephaniee said:

Honestly I look for calm and collected men. Who aren’t afraid to express their opinions.   I usually meet men at seminars, work or through friends, some act interested but after talking couple of times. They pull away  or say that they are busy!  Just like that guy at work who acted interested and asked me many questions and of course I reciprocated and asked him as well. But when I started to like him he stopped talking as much. 

What kinds of questions do you ask when you realize you are attracted to the person? What do you mean by "aren't afraid to express their opinions" -in what context and on all topics or specific topics? Do you share your opinions on sensitive subjects including when you're not asked for input? What kind of seminars?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Stephaniee said:

@Batya33 i do stand up straight and smile when I enter the room. I am short (5 ^ 1 ) I also try to be positive when I talk to others

I am being nitpicky because you are complaining that you are personable/talkative/friendly but men are not asking you out.  How do you act "positive" when you talk to others? I am 5"2!

[Cherylyn]

I never dated throughout my school life.  I gave up so I concentrated on my career instead.  As I ascended, succeed and prospered, suddenly I had dates galore crawling out of the woodwork.  I declined a lot of dates because by this time, I could afford to be very picky and choosy. 

In order to attract high quality men on all fronts ~ character, career, all of it, you have to be self confident with your own financial independence and career as I was. 

Also, be your own person.  I did my own thing with sports, health, hobbies, intellectual pursuits, interests, friends, etc.  Often times when men asked me out for dates, I was unavailable for contact and when they finally contacted me,  I told them, "I'm very busy."  I made myself attractive because I had my own identity.  They sensed I wasn't desperate which is extremely attractive.

Fast forward.  I married a gem of a man, have two sons and reside in the suburbs.  It's a very comfortable life. 

Concentrate on yourself and it's like bees to honey. 

[Coily]

7 hours ago, Stephaniee said:

Honestly I look for calm and collected men. Who aren’t afraid to express their opinions.   I usually meet men at seminars, work or through friends, some act interested but after talking couple of times. They pull away  or say that they are busy!  Just like that guy at work who acted interested and asked me many questions and of course I reciprocated and asked him as well. But when I started to like him he stopped talking as much. 

Ah Work and seminars are likely to be a big part of your problem. Men can be very cautious if they think that there is the possibility for the ol sexual harassment accusation to come out of the blue. I don't think you or most women would, but that possibility exists.

I see you have had a lot of probably good comments and advice. But as a man, your target audiece I'll throw out some thoughts.

• Dress feminine, not talking like you're clubbing; just nice soft feminine clothes that compliment you, without being overtly sexual. Business clothing doesn't count.
• Go easy with the make-up, we guys tend to like natural looking women, flaws are sexy. War paint is for women vs other women.
• If on a dating APP, don't use a lot of photos with the following
  • exotic travel
  • excessive drinking
  • group photos
  • duckface or rude gestures
• Be passionate, but not all consumed about your career. It's not what you do, it's that you are reliable and consistent
• Be yourself, despite how dense we men can be at picking up suggestions we can smell fakes within seconds.
• Listen when talking with someone, I have noticed just about everyone has a problem with listening, they hear and want to respond and that's about all.
• Don't be afraid to chat a man up.

Honestly you sounds like a lovely lady, but you aren't getting a lot male advice on what works for men. Hopefully in a Month's time you'll be back on here crowing about the nice gent you is taking you on a first date.

[Stephaniee]

@Batya33

Well I am not that talkative but when someone  approach me I do talk and ask them questions 
Topics can be : hobbies, favorite place to go, workplace automation, transhumanism, euthanasia etc 
I go to technical seminars.

By positive I want to say optimist I try not to be opinionated but understand all the different sides to a topic. As I said I try but for topics that are controversial sometimes I do have an opinion on them