Boyfriend and kids

[sislee20]

I have been dating this guy for about year. He has a daughter and I have son, our kids are the same age. They get along great. We do not live together but spend a lot of time together. Recently we have had small talk about moving in together, more or so I would be moving in with him and his daughter cause I rent a place and he owes his home. Him and I get along great. But we both hate change and over the last year we have met in the middle on a lot things and have made positive changes to our selfs to be good for one another. Now that being said. I am more able to deal with change then he is, his main concern is that he is unsure he would be able to deal with the changes that come with having another kid in the house. He is over worried he wouldnt go about things right and not know how to deal with things. I don't no how to answer these things for him because I also have the same worries when it come to him and us moving in. I know I would be fine with everything it's just him. Any insight on how I should go about it would really helpful. 

[bluecastle]

10 minutes ago, sislee20 said:

Any insight on how I should go about it would really helpful. 

All in all, I think you got about this as you are: slowly, carefully, with an open dialogue. You're both understandably concerned about how it will go—so for the time being continue to share those concerns with each other, listen, and come up with ways to face them. What you don't want to do is rush into this. 

Can I ask how old your kids are? Helps for context. 

[Seraphim]

Never never move in if someone is not ready or unsure . 

[left due to request]

22 minutes ago, sislee20 said:

I have been dating this guy for about year. He has a daughter and I have son, our kids are the same age. They get along great. We do not live together but spend a lot of time together. Recently we have had small talk about moving in together, more or so I would be moving in with him and his daughter cause I rent a place and he owes his home. Him and I get along great. But we both hate change and over the last year we have met in the middle on a lot things and have made positive changes to our selfs to be good for one another. Now that being said. I am more able to deal with change then he is, his main concern is that he is unsure he would be able to deal with the changes that come with having another kid in the house. He is over worried he wouldnt go about things right and not know how to deal with things. I don't no how to answer these things for him because I also have the same worries when it come to him and us moving in. I know I would be fine with everything it's just him. Any insight on how I should go about it would really helpful. 

How long have you guys been together?  Did you guys discuss financial arrangements?  When is your new lease due for renewal?  How about ex's visit or their arrangement with your kid and his?

He may be comfortable with the current arrangement so talk about all this in detail.  Perhaps he's not certain of his daughter and your son relationship?  Who knows.  Have a heart to heart talk, including finance and long term arrangement. 

[Lambert]

I would not move into his home. This is too much their territory and puts you and child as the newbies. Both of you should give up your current places and find a new home together.

[sislee20]

3 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

How long have you guys been together?  Did you guys discuss financial arrangements?  When is your new lease due for renewal?  How about ex's visit or their arrangement with your kid and his?

He may be comfortable with the current arrangement so talk about all this in detail.  Perhaps he's not certain of his daughter and your son relationship?  Who knows.  Have a heart to heart talk, including finance and long term arrangement. 

We have been together a year. We have ha e talked about financial agreements if we did make the move. My lease is up in August of this year. I have met his daughter's mom and they have a strong grounded arrangement and so I do with my sons dad. So we have no concerns there. We both are somewhat comfortable with the current situation but it does drain us sometimes with the running back and forth to his place and mine and vice versa. 

[sislee20]

17 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

All in all, I think you got about this as you are: slowly, carefully, with an open dialogue. You're both understandably concerned about how it will go—so for the time being continue to share those concerns with each other, listen, and come up with ways to face them. What you don't want to do is rush into this. 

Can I ask how old your kids are? Helps for context. 

His daughter is 9 and my son is 8 

[left due to request]

12 minutes ago, sislee20 said:

We have been together a year. We have ha e talked about financial agreements if we did make the move. My lease is up in August of this year. I have met his daughter's mom and they have a strong grounded arrangement and so I do with my sons dad. So we have no concerns there. We both are somewhat comfortable with the current situation but it does drain us sometimes with the running back and forth to his place and mine and vice versa. 

Thanks for sharing.  Since both of you are comfortable with current arrangement, renew your lease for 1 more year and see moving in together is something you both absolutely want.  Let your ex's know your intention as well to see how you can avoid trauma for your kids.

I do think you still need to sit down and make plans to follow through rather than waiting on each other.  This will be a step toward solidifying your relationship as well so I think both of you should be ready mentally for unforeseen events and how both of you will work together to resolve it.  Just my suggestion but backup plan will be something I would work on if I were you... just in case...

[Seraphim]

My mom way back years ago totally refused to move into the home of her bf with his kids because it made the playing field totally unfair. They bought a new house together and got married. All of us older kids were gone , just my step sister was home for another 4 years. Then it was THEIR house not HIS house. 

[Batya33]

It sounds like this is more for your and his convenience.  I wouldn't do it unless you are engaged and the wedding is very very soon since you have a child.  I agree totally with Seraphim too.  If you feel drained then get more sleep or drink more water or see each other less until your kids are older.  Prioritize your son - don't subject him to this new living situation with a man you are not married to and who is not his father.  Your son gets along great with her -that's great -it's a whole different thing to live with her and have your boyfriend living with him too.  

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, sislee20 said:

 My lease is up in August of this year.  it does drain us sometimes with the running back and forth to his place.

It seems to be going quite well. Hold off for a while. If you two are good together, it will work out. Convenience isn't a good reason to become a BFs tenant. It changes the dynamic more than you think.

[bluecastle]

11 minutes ago, sislee20 said:

We both are somewhat comfortable with the current situation but it does drain us sometimes with the running back and forth to his place and mine and vice versa. 

I think the main motivation in moving in, with all these variables, shouldn't be to lessen that drain but because you both want to be moving forward, and building, a blended family. If that's not the case, the inevitable pitfalls will be hard to manage. 

I moved in with my girlfriend and her similar-aged child three years ago—not the same situation as yours (I have no kids) but maybe related. It's been incredible—not always easy, but everything (and more) that I wanted. Per the above, we were both on the same page in being fully committed to a blended family and going the distance.   

As others have said, I would also give yourself some time to really think through the dynamic of moving into his home—how that will be for you and, most importantly, for your son. Speaking for myself, I found it kind of hard to be on "their" turf, in that it took a good minute for it all to really feel like "ours." As a 40something adult, that was a conscious choice I was able to make, trusting that I could handle a period of adjustment and that my girlfriend child's sense of stability was tantamount.  But had I been a nine year old boy—well, it would have been a lot. 

You guys are still a newish relationship, and a good one, by the sound of it. Approach this all slowly, with no rush. I'm getting the sense that you don't think him getting rid of his house is an option, but I'd at least put that on the table in a conversation. 

Curious: Have either of your kids asked about this in any way? 

[sislee20]

Thank you very much

[Kwothe28]

I think its OK to be worried a bit. Living with somebody is different then dating. It comes with its own challenges. So it requires an adaptation and both sides to be flexible a bit. If you both feel you are ready for the next step, go for it. Sometimes it goes better then you are expecting. 

[sislee20]

7 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I think the main motivation in moving in, with all these variables, shouldn't be to lessen that drain but because you both want to be moving forward, and building, a blended family. If that's not the case, the inevitable pitfalls will be hard to manage. 

I moved in with my girlfriend and her similar-aged child three years ago—not the same situation as yours (I have no kids) but maybe related. It's been incredible—not always easy, but everything (and more) that I wanted. Per the above, we were both on the same page in being fully committed to a blended family and going the distance.   

As others have said, I would also give yourself some time to really think through the dynamic of moving into his home—how that will be for you and, most importantly, for your son. Speaking for myself, I found it kind of hard to be on "their" turf, in that it took a good minute for it all to really feel like "ours." As a 40something adult, that was a conscious choice I was able to make, trusting that I could handle a period of adjustment and that my girlfriend child's sense of stability was tantamount.  But had I been a nine year old boy—well, it would have been a lot. 

You guys are still a newish relationship, and a good one, by the sound of it. Approach  this all slowly, with no rush. I'm getting the sense that you don't think him getting rid of his house is an option, but I'd at least put that on the table in a conversation. 

Curious: Have either of your kids asked about this in any way? 

The kids have brought it up as his daughter enjoys me and my Son him. we do have a good strong relationship and I truly Appreciated an the insight and now see we have alot to Still talk about and waiting another year or so would probably be best.

[sislee20]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like this is more for your and his convenience.  I wouldn't do it unless you are engaged and the wedding is very very soon since you have a child.  I agree totally with Seraphim too.  If you feel drained then get more sleep or drink more water or see each other less until your kids are older.  Prioritize your son - don't subject him to this new living situation with a man you are not married to and who is not his father.  Your son gets along great with her -that's great -it's a whole different thing to live with her and have your boyfriend living with him too.  

we both do not want Marriage at any point.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, sislee20 said:

we both do not want Marriage at any point.

Even if you don’t want marriage you need to have neutral ground or the playing field is not fair. 

[sislee20]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Never never move in if someone is not ready or unsure . 

Thank you for all insight

[smackie9]

Just sounds like you both need more time, more discussions, more planning, set boundaries, etc. Take time with each concern, work through each one, one at a time. If it gets overwhelming, leave it for another day to refresh. then revisit the subject when you two have had some thought, have clearer ideas. Baby steps. 

[boltnrun]

If this is the right relationship waiting six months or a year should not destroy it.

Also something to keep in mind for the future...my brother's (now ex) wife has a teen daughter and my brother has a teen son a couple of years older than the daughter. I told my brother I thought they might start "liking" each other. Sure enough, they did. My brother ended up having "the talk" with his son and his wife had "the talk" with her daughter. They ended up divorcing anyway so nothing came of it. Also, my friend's wife's parents met as preteens when her mom's parents fostered her dad. They were essentially raised as siblings in their middle school and teen years and the proximity caused them to be attracted to each other and they got married once they were of legal age. I don't want to be an alarmist but those teen hormones are powerful! 

[Andrina]

Yeah, never make a major decision when one or both lack 100 percent confidence. Better to be tired with a commute than regret decisions made too quickly. You've only gotten out of the honeymoon period, probably 6 or 8 months ago. Get another good year under your belt without moving in together. 

You really should consider your financial goals for the future, longterm. I know you're now renting, but what would be your ideal for yourself? Because I'm assuming you don't want to forever be paying him rent, and then you have zero equity in a home. What would happen if he has a thirty year loan, and you've been with him 29 years and he dies. There's no guarantee he will be leaving you the entirety of his house or half of it. His child might be the sole inheritor of it. And you, who are not a spouse, might find yourself in your old age with no nest egg or place to live.

When you're getting ready to retire, you want your house paid off and only have to pay property taxes and homeowner insurance. You don't want to work full time the rest of your life having to pay high rental fees.

Just some things to think about, because besides romance, you have to ensure your livelihood. You better iron out everything, and make sure his life goals match yours. If he refused to eventually refinance and put you on the deed so you're co-owner, or to buy something new together, it's not in your best interest.

[Cherylyn]

I'll chime in with others.  If he's uncomfortable with his doubts and thoughts of having an extra kid in the house, he'll never be ready.  He has cold feet (ambivalent).  He doesn't want the complications of an unfamiliar dynamic and you will find this adjustment wrought with extra stress as well.  If he's unsure, he doesn't want an extra kid to deal with in the household and you will soon find out that perhaps it's not your cup of tea either. 

I agree with others.  Don't move in together unless you want WW3 on your hands! 😏

[sislee20]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

Yeah, never make a major decision when one or both lack 100 percent confidence. Better to be tired with a commute than regret decisions made too quickly. You've only gotten out of the honeymoon period, probably 6 or 8 months ago. Get another good year under your belt without moving in together. 

You really should consider your financial goals for the future, longterm. I know you're now renting, but what would be your ideal for yourself? Because I'm assuming you don't want to forever be paying him rent, and then you have zero equity in a home. What would happen if he has a thirty year loan, and you've been with him 29 years and he dies. There's no guarantee he will be leaving you the entirety of his house or half of it. His child might be the sole inheritor of it. And you, who are not a spouse, might find yourself in your old age with no nest egg or place to live.

When you're getting ready to retire, you want your house paid off and only have to pay property taxes and homeowner insurance. You don't want to work full time the rest of your life having to pay high rental fees.

Just some things to think about, because besides romance, you have to ensure your livelihood. You better iron out everything, and make sure his life goals match yours. If he refused to eventually refinance and put you on the deed so you're co-owner, or to buy something new together, it's not in your best interest.

Thank you so much you gave me alot to think about that had not crossed my mind yet

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, sislee20 said:

Thank you so much you gave me alot to think about that had not crossed my mind yet

Also I would seek input from professionals such as your child's pediatrician, perhaps someone from your place of worship who works with kids/is a counselor, and I am sure there are excellent books written by professionals on what to consider with such a dramatic and life-changing decision such as this -meaning life changing to your child -moving a young child in with a romantic partner who you never plan to marry and who is not her father and with his child. 

As moms we have to put our happiness to the side if it's not in the best interests of the child.  So that should be your focus IMO and with all these flags I wouldn't subject your child to this situation.  Perhaps when your child is 18 if he goes away to college then that would be more appropriate as he'd only be living with a boyfriend of yours when home on school breaks.