I can't move past the jealousy

[happy1]

I've been in a relationship for almost a year now, but I just can't get past my jealousy and it's causing me some distress as it's getting worse, not better. Me and my boyfriend work together, and we work with mostly women. I am not generally jealous, but there is one co-worker, who is a also a good friend of mine, who I heavily suspect my boyfriend has liked in the past. In the  past, before we were together, I noticed he 'liked' a couple of photos of her in her bikini on holiday, I've seen him look at her for longer than is normal, he's seemed a little 'jealous' of her boyfriend when she got with him and he's always talked highly of her and chatted a lot to her. All of this was before we started dating and it never bothered me. In fact, I didn't think about it until a few months into our relationship, obviously when my feelings were getting stronger. I've started going back and thinking of all the above things I mentioned on a regular basis, convincing myself he used to like and may still have feelings. I have sat him down and talked about my feelings and he assured me he has never thought about her romantically. It reassures me for a few days and then I start getting jealous again, especially if I see him even just glancing at her at work. I saw him look towards the room she works in a couple of times and it made me almost end things, but then I wondered if I'm just being paranoid. Am I just overthinking or am I justified in my thinking? Should I be as bothered as I am?

[justplainme]

I do think you are overthinking it, you have spoken to him and he has said he does not see her romantically the thing is relationships are built on trust and i know its hard i can feel like this too but when you like someone that much your brain starts to think the worst i would just say be yourself and try and get past this because the worst case is you could end up pushing him away however it is fine to talk about feelings because relationships are built on being open and communitive along with trust.

I wish you the best and hope you can get over this issue you are facing

[happy1]

Thanks for your reply. I do suspect I am building it up in my head, but it just hurts me so much to think he has thought of her romantically and may still have those feelings. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jessb86a said:

. I have sat him down and talked about my feelings and he assured me he has never thought about her romantically. 

How long have you been working together? How old is he? How long have you been friends with the coworker?

Unfortunately you seem insecure in the relationship if you believe he secretly harbors attraction for your coworker/friend.

Is there a reason why you may feel second best? How is your relationship overall?

This must be making the workplace quite awkward if you all work together and your fear that he is attracted to someone comes in the way of everyone doing their job.

He has to be there to make a living. She has to be there to make a living. And as coworkers they're going to have to interact. You'll have to put your insecurities aside since you all work together.

You've already mentioned your concerns to him, but he can't keep reassuring you without eventually feeling like he's on a tight leash .

[happy1]

Thanks for your reply. He's 46 and I'm 39. Me and my friend have worked there together for 10 years and he's worked there for 8 years. He was in a relationship until 3 years ago and I got out of a relationship just last year. 

The time when I suspected he liked my friend was when I was still with my ex and he had been single a year. My friend was single at the same time. So it was around that time he 'liked' pictures of her on holiday and was very chatty with her at work, which made me think he was trying to get with her. Since we've started going out, he's not really given me reason not to trust him, it's just that I 'sense' he is still attracted to her. But I'm trying to work out if it's in my head or if it's my gut telling me something. 

[bluecastle]

Is this sort of jealousy something you've been prone to feeling in past relationships? Wondering if your partner is interested in other women, questioning if you're "enough," and so forth? Asking just to get a bit more context here. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jessb86a said:

 which made me think he was trying to get with her. 

But he didn't "get with her". He got with you. You'll have to work on feeling like you're second best and perhaps reflect if you are on the rebound and still carrying baggage from that.  He seems to be fine. Whatever the reasons  you broke up your last relationship are, shouldn't be haunting you. It's unreasonable to expect that he's going to be cold or rude to coworkers just because you started dating.

[Kwothe28]

Is the coworker younger then you? Or very hot? It would explain why you feel "threatened".

Anyway, I have a feeling she is hot. So makes men turn around. Its maybe controversial but people are allowed to look. I had coworker at my last job. She was pretty, tall, hot, long black hair, big boobies. Whole package. You would have to be dead not to even glance at her. So I think in your case its maybe a case of that.

If that is something innapropriate for you to break up, OK. But again, people are allowed to look as long as they dont do something innapropriate about it. You said he liked her pictures before you got together so he has a good boundaries about it. As long as he doesnt actively try to get together or try to get close to her, dont think you should feel threatened there. 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Is this sort of jealousy something you've been prone to feeling in past relationships? Wondering if your partner is interested in other women, questioning if you're "enough," and so forth? Asking just to get a bit more context here. 

It's important for you to determine the context of this jealousy.  Only you know if it's you or him.  If it is him-- then dump him. You should be with someone that you feel confident and safe with.

This toxicity is coming from somewhere and it's not good.  You're either sacrificing yourself for this guy or you'll continue this cycle (in future relationships) until you get it under control.  Jealousy is a terrible emotion for all people involved.  It will push people away from you. 

I worked in an office and everyone was friends.  Two of the ladies were friends back through college.  One of them was a co-supervisor with a male colleague.  The other started dating the male colleague.  The girlfriend in this situation, thought everyone in the office was after her man.  It was ridiculous.  We all worked together and no one had crushes on him or anything but her.  When they got together we were happy for them. It was not a problem.

Then all of the sudden (it seemed) she got super jealous, ended her friendship, forbade the guy from anything but work with the co-supervisor.  It was really toxic.  And as an outsider-- she looked like a NUT.  And the guy started looking dumb, too for putting up with it.  They basically became an office joke.  

 

[spinstermanquee]

5 hours ago, jessb86a said:

I have sat him down and talked about my feelings and he assured me he has never thought about her romantically.... Should I be as bothered as I am?

Jess, you absolutely did the right thing by bringing it up.  He gave you your answer.  Now it's up to you to stop with the jealousy.  Maybe every time you get one of those obsessive thoughts you could repeat a mantra to yourself, like "He's with ME and no one else.  He chooses ME, he loves ME."  Whatever it takes to stop with the jealousy, no good can come from it and you WILL push him away.  It also wouldn't be a bad idea to consult with a professional to find out where this is coming from, it's not healthy for YOU and it's repugnant to many people.

My sad experience with it:  I had a jealous maniac boyfriend who monitored my every move and even used electronic surveillance.  I was not up to anything but it wore on me, stifled me and eventually I left him (it took so long because he was quite covert with the surveillance, as soon as I found out the extent of his monitoring I broke up with him).  When I did I swore I would NEVER EVER put up with a jealous man again, that I would run in the opposite direction at the first signs.  I was in a prison of his making 😞

The man I married a few years after had such trust for me, I traveled extensively for work for double digit years and could have had a boyfriend in every city (in my younger years but not now, haha) if I were that kind of person.  When someone trusts you that deeply it actually makes you a better person.  I prized that trust and would never violate it.  This freedom gave me beautiful happy feelings and only increased my love...

Good luck my dear, my hope for you is that you not suffer from those feelings or put him in a prison built by jealousy.  He doesn't deserve that and neither do you.

[boltnrun]

Please do not make the huge mistake of interrogating him over and over, asking if he "likes" her or wants to be with her. Or repeatedly asking for reassurance that he loves you. Those things are relationship killers. 

If you are unable to get a handle on your jealousy on your own, perhaps consider professional help to determine the root of your insecurity and jealousy. If you feel insecure about your looks or degree of attractiveness you could end up projecting them onto him. If this is happening you can seek the guidance of a therapist. 

[smackie9]

it's just those stronger feelings that's making you territorial. After the honeymoon stage, all that goes away and settles down. Perfectly normal. 

[happy1]

3 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Is this sort of jealousy something you've been prone to feeling in past relationships? Wondering if your partner is interested in other women, questioning if you're "enough," and so forth? Asking just to get a bit more context here. 

Thanks for your input. I have had a little jealousy at the start of past relationships, but I've never felt it as intensely or focused it on one specific person, which makes me question if it's just unwarranted jealousy or if I'm actually onto something because I've noticed a few 'signs'. I just can't decide what's going on with me! 

[happy1]

1 hour ago, spinstermanquee said:

Jess, you absolutely did the right thing by bringing it up.  He gave you your answer.  Now it's up to you to stop with the jealousy.  Maybe every time you get one of those obsessive thoughts you could repeat a mantra to yourself, like "He's with ME and no one else.  He chooses ME, he loves ME."  Whatever it takes to stop with the jealousy, no good can come from it and you WILL push him away.  It also wouldn't be a bad idea to consult with a professional to find out where this is coming from, it's not healthy for YOU and it's repugnant to many people.

My sad experience with it:  I had a jealous maniac boyfriend who monitored my every move and even used electronic surveillance.  I was not up to anything but it wore on me, stifled me and eventually I left him (it took so long because he was quite covert with the surveillance, as soon as I found out the extent of his monitoring I broke up with him).  When I did I swore I would NEVER EVER put up with a jealous man again, that I would run in the opposite direction at the first signs.  I was in a prison of his making 😞

The man I married a few years after had such trust for me, I traveled extensively for work for double digit years and could have had a boyfriend in every city (in my younger years but not now, haha) if I were that kind of person.  When someone trusts you that deeply it actually makes you a better person.  I prized that trust and would never violate it.  This freedom gave me beautiful happy feelings and only increased my love...

Good luck my dear, my hope for you is that you not suffer from those feelings or put him in a prison built by jealousy.  He doesn't deserve that and neither do you.

Thank you so much for this reply, it makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing your own experience - I certainly wouldn't want anyone to feel like they were in a prison. 

I think it may have  a lot to do with my own self-worth, it's just that I've never felt jealousy like this before and so it's made me question if it is just jealousy or a gut feeling that he still has feelings for my friend. It's an awful feeling. 

[happy1]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

But he didn't "get with her". He got with you. You'll have to work on feeling like you're second best and perhaps reflect if you are on the rebound and still carrying baggage from that.  He seems to be fine. Whatever the reasons  you broke up your last relationship are, shouldn't be haunting you. It's unreasonable to expect that he's going to be cold or rude to coworkers just because you started dating.

Thank you. I absolutely agree that I wouldn't want him to be rude to people because I've made him feel he should. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, jessb86a said:

he still has feelings for my friend

Did he tell you he used to have feelings for this friend?

[left due to request]

@jessb86a you said you can't past jealousy.  This to me, means that you have already attempted several times to resolve this issue.  Am I correct?  How did he react to your inquisitions?  Was he offended? mad? distraught?

I think both of you are old enough to absorb these issues without making a 'thing' of it, that's why I'm asking.  Also, your relationship could already be threatened by this so I just wanted some clarifications.  If this is an internal struggle, speak to him so he would be more careful of what he does.  If he continue without much change, perhaps it's time for one of you to find another job or call the relationship a quit.

Being around you partner 24/7 could be exhausting in my opinion.  Having that time away from each other could be healthy for any relationships.  Besides, it gives you more to talk about over dinner.

I just think office dating is simply a bad idea in every aspect but I also know that some are successful.  With this much mistrust in your partner and your 'friend' I doubt that you will get over it.  Focus on your work during work and share at the end of the day.

good luck

 

[happy1]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is the coworker younger then you? Or very hot? It would explain why you feel "threatened".

Anyway, I have a feeling she is hot. So makes men turn around. Its maybe controversial but people are allowed to look. I had coworker at my last job. She was pretty, tall, hot, long black hair, big boobies. Whole package. You would have to be dead not to even glance at her. So I think in your case its maybe a case of that.

If that is something innapropriate for you to break up, OK. But again, people are allowed to look as long as they dont do something innapropriate about it. You said he liked her pictures before you got together so he has a good boundaries about it. As long as he doesnt actively try to get together or try to get close to her, dont think you should feel threatened there. 

Thank you for the reply. She is the same age as me, but yes, she is very attractive and is most of what you said! The thing is, he doesn't just look - he talks to her a lot and I just fear that there's an emotional attraction there as well as a physical one. The physical one I could live with, but I know he likes her as a person too. So put the two together and the fact he chats to her daily, makes me so jealous! 

I don't mind my boyfriend glancing at strangers or co-workers, but one I think he fancies physically and also likes as a person too, seems too much to take for me! 

[happy1]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Did he tell you he used to have feelings for this friend?

He said he hasn't, but I have seen him staring at her a few times in the past, liking pictures, commenting negatively about her boyfriend and talking highly of her. A lot before we got together though, but it's all replaying in my mind the further we get into our relationship. 

[happy1]

3 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

@jessb86a you said you can't past jealousy.  This to me, means that you have already attempted several times to resolve this issue.  Am I correct?  How did he react to your inquisitions?  Was he offended? mad? distraught?

I think both of you are old enough to absorb these issues without making a 'thing' of it, that's why I'm asking.  Also, your relationship could already be threatened by this so I just wanted some clarifications.  If this is an internal struggle, speak to him so he would be more careful of what he does.  If he continue without much change, perhaps it's time for one of you to find another job or call the relationship a quit.

Being around you partner 24/7 could be exhausting in my opinion.  Having that time away from each other could be healthy for any relationships.  Besides, it gives you more to talk about over dinner.

I just think office dating is simply a bad idea in every aspect but I also know that some are successful.  With this much mistrust in your partner and your 'friend' I doubt that you will get over it.  Focus on your work during work and share at the end of the day.

good luck

 

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have thought about it a lot and brought up how I've been feeling on a couple of occasions over several months. I try really hard to keep it hidden and 'have a word with myself', but it takes the slightest thing to trigger me again, such as if I've seen them talking at work (I just remember the pictures he's 'liked' all over again and conclude he still fancies her). When I bring it up, he is fairly understanding to a point, but then he starts getting irritated and tries to change the subject. 

[happy1]

31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

it's just those stronger feelings that's making you territorial. After the honeymoon stage, all that goes away and settles down. Perfectly normal. 

Thank you. I hope this is the case as we're a year in now! 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have thought about it a lot and brought up how I've been feeling on a couple of occasions over several months. I try really hard to keep it hidden and 'have a word with myself', but it takes the slightest thing to trigger me again, such as if I've seen them talking at work (I just remember the pictures he's 'liked' all over again and conclude he still fancies her). When I bring it up, he is fairly understanding to a point, but then he starts getting irritated and tries to change the subject. 

You're going to end up causing the thing you're trying to prevent if you keep bringing this up. Which is him getting tired of this and breaking up with you. 

And of course he's going to gravitate towards someone who isn't acting jealous and insecure. People like positive, upbeat people. 

What he's hearing when you keep bringing up your jealousy or asking for reassurance is "I don't trust you". If that's true and you don't trust him, why be in a relationship with him?

If he isn't doing anything untrustworthy then you either get a grip on your jealousy or do the both of you a favor and end it.

If you don't want to end it then either find a way on your own to stop with the jealous interrogations (or "conversations") or find a therapist who can help you root out the cause of your insecurity. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

 he is fairly understanding to a point, but then he starts getting irritated and tries to change the subject. 

Yes unfortunately you will have to work on this yourself. You may think you're just looking for reassurances, but after a while your distrust, controlling behavior and unwarranted accusations of having a thing for her will drive him away. 

Perhaps therapy could help you unpack and sort out some things before you sabotage the relationship even more.

[happy1]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're going to end up causing the thing you're trying to prevent if you keep bringing this up. Which is him getting tired of this and breaking up with you. 

Thank you for your honesty. It's what I need to hear. It's good to get other people's perspective as I haven't shared this with anyone other than him and my thoughts run wild, making it hard to see rationally. You've made a really fair point. Thank you. 

[happy1]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes unfortunately you will have to work on this yourself. You may think you're just looking for reassurances, but after a while your distrust, controlling behavior and unwarranted accusations of having a thing for her will drive him away. 

Perhaps therapy could help you unpack and sort out some things before you sabotage the relationship even more.

I definitely think I need to work on my own issues. Thank you for your honest reply, it's very helpful.