happy1

Yes, he told me he had in fact liked her but it was a couple of years ago. She's been with her boyfriend for two years also. I've asked him on about 5 occasions I would say, over the course of the year.

Thank you.

We've been dating for a year and really serious for 6 months. It's all part of me not allowing myself to fully accept that he may indeed love me, not someone else. It's an extreme case of low self-esteem. I fully accept the advice I've been given, hence why I posted and I read all of the comments and take them on board. But a lot of my thinking and behaviour is not through conscious choice; it's through a lifetime of feeling 'less than'. I am committed to changing that, hence starting therapy and journalling. However, it will take time and at the minute I still need a lot of external reassurance. Of course, I would love to be able to shrug this off like some would.

Wow. That's hit hard. Thank you for the insight. That is EXACTLY what I would think if he ended it. It's like I might be trying to push and push to see if he will end it so that I can feel that I was always 'right' about it. Damn!

That's exactly how it feels, like a gigantic crisis. I have a tendency to catastrophize. Sadly, I think I may have done that here without taking a step back to see what I've done.

Thank you. I am working on this with my therapist. She doesn't know that latest and she had to cancel our last appointment. She's told me I have a 'You're ok, I'm NOT ok' life position; quite an extreme version. And I usually plough all of that energy into one person, which happens to be the one person my boyfriend had a crush on. The most unfortunate luck! I have an awareness of why I seem to have an obsession with this friend of mine over others, and I guess an awareness is the first step to recovery. I am committed to working on getting better.

Ah OK, I see what you're saying. That's it's not really an issue and so not really something I need to accept. I think just with it being who it is. Rationally, I can see it's not all huge deal, but as I've mentioned in previous posts, it's because of who he liked that makes it hard for me. Not the fact he liked someone before me, it's the fact he liked HER before me.

I've only just started the therapy so it's taking some time. I feel this just sent me back a bit, and the therapist had to cancel a session this weekend so I can't dicuss it until next week. You are right though - I definitely am obsessed with my friend and how much 'better' than me I believe her to be. My therapist thinks it's down to 'I'm not OK, you're ok' mentality and I've homed in on her for some reason to keep that mental life position going. So then you can understand why finding out my boyfriend liked her is hard. I honestly don't think I'd be as bothered if it were another person he'd liked before. It's my fixation with her.

What do you mean?

Thank you. I'm starting to 'calm down' and accept it.

I definitely understand this. It's just that this isn't someone from a distance; this is someone he still sees every day and we all work together.

I agree, I think if I can't seem to settle and feel relaxed, there is no other way. I've only just had my suspicions confirmed, though, so it's still raw. With advice on here and a few days to digest the information, I'm starting to wonder if ending things would be a mistake and the easy way out. Advice on here seems to reiterate that he's 'done nothing wrong' by liking another person before me. My rational head knows this is true, but because of it being someone I constantly compare myself to, it's sooooo much harder to digest and accept. Of course, it's not his fault that I feel this way about my friend. That's my issue, I need to own that. They were both single and she's a lovely, attractive girl. I do believe him about his feelings towards me; I don't think I'm a 'consolation' prize. The issue is more me not being able to imagine that he's thought of my friend in a romantic way. It just hurts. It's less about him and more about how much I can take given this new information.

This is such great advice and I am starting to implement some of it. I've always exercised and took care of myself, but maybe haven't focused enough on my mental health as much. I have stared to take people's advice on board, it's just that obvious takes time, and right in amongst it, I get the confirmation he liked my friend. It just seemed to set me back. I've calmed down since my OP and I can see a bit more clearly that by working on my mental health, I may just be able to get over this. I pray I can anyway.

When you put it like that, it's actually really sad that I do this to myself. It's a lifetime of thinking I'm not as good as others. I am working on it with my therapist, but I've only had 4 sessions and it's going to be a looong process. I just hope I can make some headway before I ruin my relationship.

This is such lovely advice. I am devastated to learn he liked my friend, with whom we work with, but he hasn't shown any signs of still liking her. This is something I will have to fight really hard to overcome. Thank you for the suggestions. I love the idea of charity work. I am considering doing a counselling course after I have worked through some of my own stuff with my therapist. Only time will tell whether I can handle the insecurities in this relationship...

I know it's unfair and definitely self-absorbed. I just feel so 'less than'. Of course having a previous liking for her is normal, but she's so attractive, funny and sweet. I just feel that why would he want me over her? She's amazing! I realise a lot of this might be my insecurities, but also I can't argue that she's hot, and actually an all-round lovely person. I just see how he could not still have any feelings if they were there and she's still just as attractive as before!!

I know I do need to stop mentioning it to him. She's just so much prettier and has the perfect body. I feel I can't compete because she's better than me in so many ways, especially physically.

There's definitely more going on for me, yes. I've always felt "less than" her in every way- work performance, especially, but also looks - She's got the perfect body and is very pretty. So now I know he liked her, and I believe that she is better looking as well as being better at her job AND she's also very sweet and kind, I just feel I can't compete!

This is good advice and thanks for sharing your experiences which have helped me put a few things in perspective. I'm just so insecure.

I am having therapy, but this has been a setback finally realising that he did indeed like my friend in the past. As we all work together, I'm on edge a lot and it's always on my mind. I'm worried I'll catch him looking at her and freak out, sending my thoughts spiralling again.

Thank you for your honest opinion. I am in so much turmoil. Do I end a relationship with someone who I really love and regret it because he could be being totally genuine that he has no feelings for her any more. Or do I stay and feel constantly on edge and worry that there's something still there on his part. I just have no idea what to do any more.

I see what you're saying, but the problem is I DO really want to be in the relationship as I have such strong feelings for him and have never felt this way. It's just I'm already an insecure person, and to realise your suspicions were true that he liked my best friend in the past, is causing so much jealousy. He is adamant he doesn't feel anything for her now, but I have a huge inferiority complex around her as it is and to know he liked her just kills me. Whereas, thinking about him having past crushes on anyone else doesn't really faze me. I'm just in so much turmoil that I could regret ending something that feels so right, yet I just feel I can't seem to let this go.

Thank you

I know. The sad thing is that I wonder if she'd known, they might've got together, so I feel a little second best.

Yes we all work together and I had my worst fear confirmed - that he did indeed like her a couple of years ago..