happy1

And I am grateful for you sharing your opinion because I do agree with this to an extent. It's just I think to trust your gut you have to be in a stable place in your head first, and I don't think I am yet. But going to work on it!

Oh my goodness! This is mind-blowing! I did what you just said, and I realised that I am jealous of her anyway because I've always believed she was more attractive than me AS WELL AS being better at the job than me! Ahh....I think I'm getting somewhere here.... I literally never even considered that it could be ME with the obsession for my friend?!

Thanks for this. I really hope what I first believed to be my "gut instinct" is actually just my extreme defence mechanisms against being hurt and rejected. I do believe you should go with your gut, but as long as you are in a healthy and stable place mentally. I don't think I am at the minute. I think with the help of a therapist, I can try to delve into my issues first before making such a huge decision about my relationship.

Wow. Thanks for sharing this. It's so scary what tricks your mind can play on you. It sounds like your ex had a lot of his own issues too. My mind has been trying to tell me I just 'know' he likes my friend, but I'm starting to see I could be wrong! It's toxic and it's scary the lies your mind can make up. All for protection though. But it ends up creating drama for nothing and could have made me just walk away for no real reason. So sad really. But there's hope if I can do the work!

Thank you. It's brave for you to share your own experiences and it's helpful for me to see that I NEVER want to get to that stage. I am not watching his every move - it's just my 'obsession' with the idea he liked me friend. Otherwise, I believe I do actually trust him, or could at least work towards it after working on my insecurities.

It's really not working - it's making me miserable to the point like I said in my OP that when I caught him looking towards her room a couple of times, I honestly thought to end it because then I could just stop the inner turmoil. Something stopped me from ending it though. I guess hope that I might be wrong. That's what brought me here - desperation to seek some unbiased perspectives to see if there was a chance I was making a big deal of nothing. I think there is insurmountable evidence in the comments from people that from the outside looking in, I may well be overthinking. It gives me hope. But I have a lot of work to do. I have already looked into finding a therapist today and I have written down a lot of the suggestions. I think before just 'dumping' him, I need to see if I can start feeling less worthless and 'second best'. Then, I guess if I still don't trust him or he gives me any reason to distrust him in the meantime, I will end it. But I'm starting to believe that ending it could be really tragic if there really isn't enough reason as yet to not trust him. I will absolutely take on board what people have said on here because I've really had my eyes opened that a lot of the problem stems from my own insecurity and low self-worth. Thank you for helping me direct my thoughts and seeing not all is bleak!

I guess because I would struggle to trust anyone due to my insecurity and low self-worth that I've mentioned to a few people on here. I badly want to trust him because otherwise, the relationship is lovely and I love him. I'm frightened it's another case of pushing someone away. I want someone to shake me and tell me it's all in my head. But only I can decide whether I can get over this mistrust.

Evidence: the bikini photos he liked, I saw him staring at her a couple of times (before I got with him), he made the comment about her boyfriend seeming arrogant, I've noticed he's looked across to where she works a few times (only she works in that space he looked towards), he talks very highly of her (how nice she is etc.)...That's all I can think. You make a fair point in the last paragraph. I don't still have feelings for old exes and crushes. What kills me is thinking that he might've liked her and he still sees and chats to her daily. Could he really just stop liking her if he did indeed like her?

You've hit the nail on the head - it all comes down to whether I believe him or not. I don't believe he's been 'pining' over this friend or has been 'in love' with her the whole time, since he's been very loving and treated me very well - he certainly hasn't been playing games or anything like that. I do believe him when he tells me how he feels about me. He tells me he loves me all the time. My fear was that he liked my friend before me and could well still have feelings for her. My worry is that if he used to like her, he can't just 'switch off' his feelings, even if he really wants to. He claims he never liked her and has said that repeatedly. I just don't know why I have to keep doubting him.

I took his negative comment about my friend's boyfriend to be jealousy on his part, but it's been brought to my attention that one comment does not necessarily mean he's jealous. I'm trying to get different perspectives so I make an informed decision rather than go off my tunnel vision alone.

Wow! Thank you so much! That's brilliant. I am definitely going to use this.

Thank you so much for your input. Everyone's comments have helped me see things from a differently perspective. It's so hard to rationalise when your anxious thoughts spiral. I can definitely see from all the comments that I am going to push him away and me constantly questioning him is never going to help unless I'm absolutely certain he's crossed a boundary. I need to work on my insecurities and trust issues. Thanks again, it's helped a lot.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. It is exhausting and it's taking it's toll on me. I've always suffered with a little bit of anxiety, but I've never seeked helped with it. However, this is the worst I've ever felt it. There was some neglect in my childhood and I had an emotionally abusive partner years ago, so it's probably a combination of past experiences. I can't go on like this, it's wearing me down. I am definitely going to look into therapy and finally admit I may have unresolved issues that are affecting my relationships.

Thank you. I need to take on board all of the helpful comments and reflect. It's not so black and white because I do have a tendency to think of the worst case scenario and not budge my thinking. I am definitely insecure and that will be skewing my interpretations. But I agree with you that if this feeling just doesn't go away, it's not fair to either of us to keep it going. There has to be trust.

That's reassuring to hear. I really want it to be my problem because I am really into him and he's treated me so well up until now.

I've been told this a few times. I push people away because it's easier than being vulnerable and running the risk of getting hurt. It's like I'm looking for any little sign that he's lying to me so I can get in there first and end it. I've never felt jealousy on this level before, but I do know that I overthink everything people say and do because I'm always on high-alert. This is even with family members and friends. But as I'm really into this guy, it's ten-fold. Such a horrible place to be in.

And to provide some more context, it was actually me who was talking about my friend and her boyfriend at the time, saying I wasn't sure about him, and my boyfriend simply added, "He seems arrogant." It wasn't like he'd brought it up either. Maybe I have looked too deeply into that one comment.

Thank you for your honest opinion.

Thank you. Now, my head really hurts!

He called her boyfriend arrogant, and I thought I heard a jealous undertone. It struck me as odd.

He has made one negative comment about her boyfriend, saying he believed he seemed 'arrogant', which did strike me as odd if he didn't like her because why would he care what he was like if she's simply a co-worker like he suggests?

Which part of my original post is most alarming to you? This is what I'm trying to establish in my mind: whether I truly believe him when he reassures me.

Thank you for the reply. I need to remember to focus on the actions, not just what's in my head. Thanks for taking the time to write and offer me so much advice. I'm very grateful.

Thanks for your input. I hear you!

I get anxious a lot, but I think a few of the techniques you have mentioned will help me so much as I am still able to get about my daily life. I mask well! I am definitely thinking of getting a therapist - I think I need some professional guidance.