he ghosted me, or did he? idk? confused and really hurt

[KatzenMoon]

so okay idk where to begin, but tl;dr might apply to some here but i’ll try to condense the situation.

so last december (2021) i reconnected with an old school (elementary) friend of mine that i’ve always had a crush on and at the time i was dealing with the fallout of a ten year off/on narcissistic relationship. he listened to everything single thing i had to say and really understood where i was coming from. so over time we started talking every day almost all day even hanging out, then we started getting closer. so at the beginning of all this he had said how disconnected he felt from his gf and how great it felt that someone was finally giving him the time of day (relatively speaking) and i never thought otherwise. he basically brought out a side of me that i hadn’t seen in a very very long time considering when this all started i was very self conscious, overweight and hiding my body. being with him made me want to be feminine, confident and happy for once. i was re-exploring things i hadn’t thought about in years and it felt right for once. we even had pet names for each other, kissed each other when we left in the morning or night, etc. i even brought him lunch to work sometimes.

then around his birthday i bought him a really special cake personalized with his name on it and went all out with some of his favorite things as gifts. we had a totally normal time, then when we parted the last thing that was said was "see you later" after discussing hanging out later in the day. so after not hearing from him i just thought something happened and he would tell me eventually. so when he did, it was because he had gotten sick and declined my offer to see him like that, and that was the last text we exchanged.

so yeah, i’m not perfect here but nobody is either. he knows how i feel and i’ve told him several times as well. it just always seems like we’re stunted in time here or something. so against my better self - after sending him messages wondering if he’s okay i stop by his house (not my way of doing things at all) and he i just so happened to catch him coming outside on the way out and he was almost kinda perplexed to see me there (come to find out she was there) so i sorta confronted him about what was going on. he basically said "sorry" and went on to wherever he was going… meanwhile i basically fell apart in my car that i had to pull myself out of because i hate confrontation.

so after that he didn’t block me, or respond to me just watched my stories on social media. two weeks later after an emotional text basically saying how this all made me feel he blocked me.

needless to say i’m devastated, heartbroken and confused because this guy treated me differently than my ex. he actually valued me as a person instead of dehumanizing me. i get constant reminders of him everyday, i even dream about him like he’s right next to me sometimes like i’m talking to him. i just do not feel complete without him in my life whatsoever.

if you read all of that, thank you for your time.

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, KatzenMoon said:

needless to say i’m devastated, heartbroken and confused because this guy treated me differently than my ex.

But I'm a little confused - he had a girlfriend the whole time, did he not? Or I am not understanding the events correctly? 

[Kwothe28]

I am a bit confused too: You had a FWB relationship with that guy? While he had a girlfriend?

Just because being with him makes you want to try not being overweight, doesnt mean that he is good for you. You told him several times what you want and he never wanted to be with you. He most likely just wanted sex without commitment. And he didnt treat you good. Lying to you how he was sick and then ghosting you is not treating somebody good. Its an emotionally immature response from the people who are like that. Emotionally immature.

[1a1a]

There’s many different ways to be the wrong person for you and sometimes the loveliest people are still the wrong person *cough* avoidant attachment style *cough* *cough* ticks all the boxes but doesn’t light your fire *cough cough* ticks all the boxes but you don’t light theirs *cough* there’s passion and commonality but they’re not over their ex or vice versa *cough cough* 

I know this is east to say and harder to do but don’t take it personally. Take the lessons, take the inspiration, run with it, keep living your better version of yourself life and be empowered by what you learned from this relationship, brief though it may have been. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, KatzenMoon said:

 i was dealing with the fallout of a ten year off/on narcissistic relationship. he had said how disconnected he felt from his gf 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you were in a bad place when you started seeing him. Was he on/off or cheating on his GF?

While he was ok to be around for a while, you may want to get to the root of things by getting a qualified therapist for ongoing support and to unpack and sort out the pain from your 10 relationship.

[Batya33]

He ghosted on his girlfriend when he was with you - I guess- or at least told her he was with someone else right ?

I’m glad he raised your self esteem and listened to you. And for you it was safe to open up because he was not available to date you and also not in a situation where - if it bothered him at all - your weight was an issue. so it’s kind of a sweet spot. You get to play kissy face and no conversations about commitment or having to decide if he is a good partner.
As far as your weight issue you don’t know if he’d have had an issue with it if you were his partner. Which you were not.
 How do you know she has a psychiatric diagnosis of narcissism? Because he told you ? my sense is you were his fling and he’s now done with her fling.
Either he is back with her or she found out or he ended it but he then met someone else or is looking to meet someone else. He didn’t ghost you because from the beginning you knew he couldn’t keep in reliable touch with you because he wasn’t available to date you. 
You’re ghosting on yourself. You’re not available to yourself in a healthful way. He did you a favor. 
Id be happy with the fun you had and consider next time whether it’s a good idea to play with fire and lie to yourself. 

[KatzenMoon]

so a few key facts:

she previously cheated on him (with a girl) and he "swept it under the rug"

she has two kids with different dads

i was in the ten year on/off narcissist relationship, had a miscarriage which my ex refuses to acknowledge.

when this all started she was basically ghosting him; not reaching out, texting or calling to hang out, etc.

whenever she did it was on her terms not his, not planned or anything. even if he just wanted to be alone to be with family, etc.

as for the weight issue i have body dismorphia and over the course of this i lost 60 pounds. my ex made me basically anorexic by making me feel inadequate considering he was constantly comparing me to other girls. he called me beautiful, pretty and that i didn’t have to change for him. which in hindsight he was changing me into my real self.

bottom line here is i feel like he’s conflicted based upon our time together and how both of us treat him. i respect the fact that he works a labor intensive job all day and if he can or cannot make time for his family or friends then thats fine. she however is completely opposite, texts him constantly asking him to do things for him and be her babysitter and mechanic not to mention her family are addicts. i’m trying to steer him away from all that i guess.

also, final thoughts; i’m completely different now from when i was with my ex. heck i even look totally different and he probably wouldn’t even recognize me which is good.

apologies for any missing context i wrote my initial post kinda late at night.

[Batya33]

But here are the facts.  He was not available to date. You can sling mud at her all you like but the fact is you pursued a man who is not available to date.  
He’s an adult who can steer himself. You can’t help him cause you’re too biased.
You can help by being honest with him “I see you’re choosing to be in a situation that you are unhappy with. I have romantic feelings for you so I’m not the right person to help or support you but I can refer you to good resources and or a therapist.”  If you end things with her and are single and available for awhile perhaps we can explore then whether we should date properly. “. 
I’m very sorry you had such a bad experience with your ex and I wish you the best in healing and moving on from that situation. 

[Lambert]

I am sorry you are hurting and for all you've been through.  

I think it can get tricky in relationships when the balance of interest is off.  This is true in romance, friendship, family, colleagues-- any type of relationship.  It's unclear if he was cheating his girlfriend with you or you were just growing more and more feelings for him.  But I think he pulled back because he was uncomfortable with the balance of things.  

I think the best thing you can do is be a better friend to yourself.  Shift your thoughts from him and what happened in the past to the future.  What are you going to do to help you?  (serious question.  Talk to us.  start thinking about what you want and how you are going to get there.)

[Kwothe28]

11 minutes ago, KatzenMoon said:

she previously cheated on him (with a girl) and he "swept it under the rug"

 

Not important in the context of the story

13 minutes ago, KatzenMoon said:

she has two kids with different dads

 

Again not important except that he has a bad picker.

14 minutes ago, KatzenMoon said:

i was in the ten year on/off narcissist relationship, had a miscarriage which my ex refuses to acknowledge.

 

Also not important.  I am not minisculing your pain and experience, just saying its not important in the context. 

15 minutes ago, KatzenMoon said:

when this all started she was basically ghosting him; not reaching out, texting or calling to hang out, etc.

 

Still doesnt matter, you have an affair with somebody in a relationship.

Except that you basically told us that you have an affair and chasing a man who is not even available and he is chasing his girlfriend and "white knighting" for her, the rest doesnt matter. You need to reflect about what you are doing. He is maybe better then some narcissistic ex who made you miscarry, but not by much. He is cheating his girlfriend with you. And acting pretty bad toward you overall by lying and ghosting you. You need to realize that and act accordingly. And not pine about somebody like this. 

Have you gone through therapy? Because I am sorry, but messy people attract other messy people. And if you dont settle that mess this is the type of guys you will gona get. A messes. Continous works unable for a proper relationship. So, start by doing that. As for him, just forget about him. Again, not worth the trouble and very bad for you.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, KatzenMoon said:

she previously cheated on him (with a girl) and he "swept it under the rug"

she has two kids with different dads

This is none of your business, and not relevant to any of this. 

2 hours ago, KatzenMoon said:

when this all started she was basically ghosting him; not reaching out, texting or calling to hang out, etc.

whenever she did it was on her terms not his, not planned or anything. even if he just wanted to be alone to be with family, etc.

Again, this is irrelevant. 

2 hours ago, KatzenMoon said:

her family are addicts

And this is not your business either. 

It sounds like you are trying to denigrate her, which is completely unfair of you. It's not your place to judge her, especially when you appear to be messing around with her boyfriend. If their relationship is toxic and he stays, well, that's because he is toxic too. You have learned this the hard way. Now that they are probably back on (or never really broke up and she found out about you), you have been discarded. 

In the future, don't get involved with men who have girlfriends. Ever. It doesn't matter how good they make you feel. They are not good people and will hurt you the moment the affair no longer serves them. This was never going to end well, OP, and I hope you make better choices for yourself in the future.  

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, KatzenMoon said:

. i’m trying to steer him away from all that i guess.

Unfortunately he's a grown man making his own choices, regardless of whether they're wise or not, so he doesn't want or need "steering".

Focus solely on yourself and your physical and mental health for now. Having a mental competition or catfight with his GF in your mind won't help. It will may you feel worse about him and worse about yourself in the long run.

The bottom line is he's chosing to be with her. Take a respite from all this and don't contact him and definitely do not show up at his home unannounced.

[left due to request]

I think it's time for you to end this whole thing and move on.  I think this relationship helped both of you in a matter of supporting each other's emotions and problems.  Now that it has come to its end, best thing to do is to move on and anticipate something new.  Keep the good times in your memories filter out the bad ones. 

Sounds like you now know what a good man should be like, so go out there and find one!

good hunting!

[SooSad33]

I'm not sure the time frame here, from when you two began communicating- 2021?  Until when it all fell apart come his b-day.

But to me, it sounds like you ended up with feelings, but he did not.  And he may have become a little overwhelmed with how you were all over him. 

I know it hurts 😕 .

But, in ways I see that he was your 'emotional pillow' for a while. To where you did end up feeling better about things and yourself.

As mentioned above, you both seemed to be of some support to each other.. that's all. As he had said he felt a disconnect from the gf.. but they never split up. ( Even if they had, you could very much ended up as a rebound - and that hurts!).

So, now you work on accepting what is , heal from all of this and carry on. 

 

[Jaunty]

It sounds like you were living together, or at least spending the night (kissing when leaving in the morning)?  But he has a girlfriend?  

Don't do this to yourself again.  If the man has a girlfriend, do not get involved.   Just don't.