***- How to ensure daughter knows I'm cool with it.

[Betterwithout]

Hi there,
I was going through some University application paperwork with my 17 y.o. daughter on her computer in which I had to submit a credit card payment, and as she was scrolling through all the details she filled out beforehand (address, email address, contact information and some general stuff) the question "Sexual Orientation" was listed and beside it was "***".

3 or 4 years ago, I went for a walk with her since she was going through puberty, and I let her know that I was open minded towards marriage/staying single, having/not having children, sexual orientation, etc).  I told her not matter what, "I just want you to be happy in your life".   I wanted to be sure she was comfortable with talking to me about anything, and it would come with love and acceptance.  As a Gen-X'r  I was sickened to hear of homophobic comments in my circle of family and friends between 1980 and 2000's.  So happy that people today can safely embrace their sexuality and yell it from their rooftops without any prejudice.  Things have progressed in such a good way.

She hasn't "come out" to me yet and I would guess she is not sure of the time to discuss, or simply isn't ready, and that's totally cool.
Ultimately, I want her to be comfortable in talking about it openly, and don't want her to have the "what will they think/say" dialogue in her head.

So my question is...
What advice can you give me on how I can keep our dialogue open and make it comforting for her.
The last thing I want is her to feel anxious about the conversation.
I don't want to ignore it and let it stew either.

Thanks in advance!

 

[spinstermanquee]

You already had the talk, so i'm guessing she is comfortable and might not need to talk about it - she filled out the form and knows you saw it... <3<3<3

 

[Betterwithout]

6 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

You already had the talk, so i'm guessing she is comfortable and might not need to talk about it - she filled out the form and knows you saw it... <3<3<3

 

She scrolled quickly (on purpose likely) so I don't think she knows I was able to read it before she scrolled up

 

[spinstermanquee]

Well you still get credit/props for laying the groundwork early for inclusion and acceptance 🙂  I had a similar discussion w/my daughter in her adolescence!  ❤️

 

[boltnrun]

I went through the same thing.

You can't accelerate her readiness to discuss her sexual orientation with you. She will let you know in her own way when she's ready.

I too was anxious for my child to know I was completely fine with their sexual orientation but no way could I push it without making things uncomfortable. It has to be about them, not us. 

Be patient, she will eventually find a way to disclose to you. In the meantime try not to go overboard with letting her know you're "cool with it" or it will come across as pushy and trying too hard. Just keep loving and supporting her as you always have. 

BTW, it has nothing to do with whether or not she trusts you. She does. It's just something they have to be mentally and emotionally ready for. 

[bluecastle]

Can I ask, assuming I’m reading this thread correctly, why the word “gay” is being censored by you? 

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, Betterwithout said:

What advice can you give me on how I can keep our dialogue open and make it comforting for her.

Hang a progress flag on the front of your house.  That sends an actual you're an ally message, and that will start the discussion.  I am Gen X too, and never have, nor will ever entertain homophobic POSs.  So, if they were being bigot then, they are bigots now.  Creating a safe space is not being friends with bigots.  

She will come out to you when she's ready.  No need to rush her though.

[Sihana]

Don't make a big deal about it, you already talked with her about it, you saw what you saw.

 Just wait, don't pressure her, she may think you are worried, or feel unconfrontable, if she thinks you need to know, she will tell you.

 

 

[Batya33]

I don’t think at all that it is easy to be gay now. Easier than when I grew up in the 70s and 80s for sure. Our son is 13. He is straight so far. One thing that helped me talk with him about puberty and sexual orientation was the books in the It’s So Amazing Series recommended by his pediatrician. The third one is for teenagers. 17 is a bit on the older side but there is good information in there for communicating. I think you’ve kept the lines of communication open - good for you !- and hopefully she’ll come to you when she’s ready. She might be figuring it out herself still. Also I’m sure there are community resources for parents of teens or tweens who are gay or exploring or considering. I’d look for that as well. 
good luck !

[boltnrun]

There are much more community resources and a much more open gay community than years ago. And people seem to better understand that gay men don't want to be women and gay women don't want to be men. They're gay, not trans. 

I did have to chastise a family member just a bit for using the three letter "f" word in casual conversation even though this family member knows my child is gay. It was unfortunately entrenched in his vocabulary as an insult. This family member was fortunately open to changing their behavior, so that was good.

I agree, she will talk to you when she's ready. In my case it wasn't a big sit down "coming out" conversation but rather an instance of my child casually introducing me to their partner. I called later to ask if that was their friend or their partner and my child confirmed "partner". I assured my child that I had no prejudices and that all I want is for my kids to be loved and treated well by their spouses or partners. Gender doesn't matter. 

I'm glad you're so positive about her sexuality. Sadly, many parents aren't. 

[Betterwithout]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Can I ask, assuming I’m reading this thread correctly, why the word “gay” is being censored by you? 

I wrote "***"  but the website censored it (with stars) it for some reason

[Coily]

You know (indirectly) and she knows; there is no need to do anything else. If she decides to tell you fine, if not that’s none of your business.

Also be cautious of being too supportive or eager to discuss it, that may make her withdrawal and be uncomfortable. Because at the end of the day she’s your daughter, and that’s all that matters.

[Betterwithout]

6 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

I wrote "***"  but the website censored it (with stars) it for some reason

It censored it again!  I used the "Q word".  let's see if that sticks?

 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

It censored it again!  I used the "Q word".  let's see if that sticks?

 

Websites are weird with their censoring. I wrote something on another forum in response to a story about an airplane crash and the website kept editing out the word "cockpit" as "****pit". 😆. Even though the main story used that word several times. 

I don't think it's the forum itself but the hosting platform that does the editing out. 

[Betterwithout]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Hang a progress flag on the front of your house.  That sends an actual you're an ally message, and that will start the discussion.  I am Gen X too, and never have, nor will ever entertain homophobic POSs.  So, if they were being bigot then, they are bigots now.  Creating a safe space is not being friends with bigots.  

She will come out to you when she's ready.  No need to rush her though.

I do have one issue is that my own parents have made homophobic remarks growing up which I and other siblings have had to snuff out.
Also, my daughters step Mom is 80% accepting of LGBTQ+  (not 100% like I am)

[Betterwithout]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Websites are weird with their censoring. I wrote something on another forum in response to a story about an airplane crash and the website kept editing out the word "cockpit" as "****pit". 😆. Even though the main story used that word several times. 

I don't think it's the forum itself but the hosting platform that does the editing out. 

Yes, the hosting platform must have a list of "bad words"   George Carlin anyone?

 

[Betterwithout]

25 minutes ago, Coily said:

Also be cautious of being too supportive or eager to discuss it, that may make her withdrawal and be uncomfortable. 

This is the fine line I think about....I also believe that there is such thing as "too supportive" or "too involved" in a child's life, especially teenage years.  I recall distancing myself quite a lot as a teen myself.  
I just have to have faith that if/when the subject comes up, it will be no big revelation and she will find it easy to talk openly about.  My only challenge is the old school, sometimes homophobic parents I have.  Add to that my daughters step mom who grew up in a pretty religious family.  My wife and I have had LGBTQ+ discussions in the past and we disagree with the nurture vs. nature argument.
My opinion (and it's just that an "opinion") is that orientation is established biologically at birth, and/or during puberty.  My wife's opinion is that it is solely environment, influence and exposure.
For the most part, we agree to disagree on the matter.  But I think my daughter is aware of the differences of opinions my wife and I have.  My daughter would likely come out to me only knowing I am in her corner with everything.

[Sihana]

Well, I would like to know how close is your daughter to her stepmother or your homophobic parents.

Or how close she sees you to them, as if she could not be wanting to create tension between you and said people.

 

 

 

[Betterwithout]

6 minutes ago, Sihana said:

Well, I would like to know how close is your daughter to her stepmother or your homophobic parents.

Or how close she sees you to them, as if she could not be wanting to create tension between you and said people.

 

 

 

The daughter relationship to my wife (step mom) is average I'd say.  Since she became a teenager, not close, but not distant either.
She is a good step-mom and knows boundaries quite well, but I predict my daughter will keep her orientation close to her chest for some time still.  Or just call me one day out of the blue from College and say I'd like you to "meet my partner".

Thankfully, I don't think my daughter has heard homophobic remarks from my parents before.  Hopefully my parents (in their 80's) have grown and the media has helped them understand.

[boltnrun]

My child's dad isn't opposed to gays per se, but with him it was more of a hypothetical before. Now that it's his own child (and only child) it's been a bit different. But he's still accepting. 

My child chose to wait YEARS before saying anything even though I had known for at least five or six years. I'm my kids' mother, I know things lol. Parents usually do.

It's always kind of a surprise to find out that our kids sometimes don't tell us things because they're trying to protect US. It's odd to us because we always want to be the ones protecting them. 

[Sihana]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's always kind of a surprise to find out that our kids sometimes don't tell us things because they're trying to protect US. It's odd to us because we always want to be the ones protecting them. 

It is exactly this.

[Betterwithout]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's always kind of a surprise to find out that our kids sometimes don't tell us things because they're trying to protect US. It's odd to us because we always want to be the ones protecting them. 

Yep.  We give children and teens little credit and they continually surprise us with their self-awareness and maturity.

[catfeeder]

We learned in my family that not everyone is willing to discuss their private life, even with a close sibling. While my niece had open convos about everything with her mother, her brother, my nephew, never said a word about his dating or sex life--not even to his sister.

We met one GF during his HS years, and they were together more than a year. A big zero on info when they broke up. He went to college, then zero about private matters until we met a GF in his senior year. After graduation they moved in together until age 29, when they married. THAT was when we heard all the dirt on them meeting as a drunken hookup in college.

Some people won't discuss anything unless it involves someone significant.

To me, that's a sign of mature discretion, and possibly a very organized mind. 

Hang in there, you model who you are, and your daughter knows how lucky she is to have you as a parent.

[Betterwithout]

Thanks everyone for your feedback, it was all very helpful.  I am going to patiently lay low.  When the time comes, it will come!... and I will be ready.

[tattoobunnie]

20 hours ago, Betterwithout said:

Also, my daughters step Mom is 80% accepting of LGBTQ+  (not 100% like I am)

That will do it.  Even 20% of not supporting still makes you a bigot.  No one is just a 20% bigot.  It's like saying I only love 80% of your kid.  Being an ally isn't easy, and neither is coming out.

But don't be so hard on yourself.  My mom was strict, so I never told her about having a boyfriend until I was 19, and that was because she asked me directly.