Is it really over?

[George82]

My girlfriend of 4 years came across 2 photos I’d liked on IG of a girl I know wearing sexy underwear. It was 2 photos out of 1000’s one photo was earlier last year and the other almost 2 years ago, I don’t remember liking them and there was certainly nothing in it. My gf has ended things with me over this as she believes there’s more to it and says I’m not the person she thought I was. No matter how hard I try I can’t convince her otherwise, she’s totally blocked me on all platforms so I can’t contact her, so I’m not sure the No contact thing will even make a difference to her. I’m not sure what to do. Other than this incident we had a very good and loving relationship, it makes it harder to accept that she’d throw it away over this. It’s not even been 48 hours since she found the 2 photos I’d liked. I’m hoping she’ll calm down and see sense and realise the person I am isn’t defined by me liking 2 photos. I’m not sure though, she dropped all my stuff off at my front door early this morning. I’m at a total loss as of where to go from here or what to do next. 

[Kwothe28]

Well, she did droped your stuff and blocked you everywhere, so its probably over. Sorry about that. 

Is it overreaction? Maybe. But what are you doing liking pictures of some women you know in sexy underwear? At the very least its a red flag and she can miscontruct that into various ways.

You can try apologizing. But she seems dead set on it so dunno what you will accomplish there. So maybe your best course of action is to work toward acceptance that its over.

[George82]

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, she did droped your stuff and blocked you everywhere, so its probably over. Sorry about that. 

Is it overreaction? Maybe. But what are you doing liking pictures of some women you know in sexy underwear? At the very least its a red flag and she can miscontruct that into various ways.

You can try apologizing. But she seems dead set on it so dunno what you will accomplish there. So maybe your best course of action is to work toward acceptance that its over.

Hi sorry, my heads a bit over the place. This was a copy and paste from a post on Saturday in another forum. Later on the Saturday she unblocked me and asked if I was free to talk. We chatted on the phone for almost 2 hours, it was a tough call and nothing really changed. She said at the end of the call we’d speak again soon. We exchanged some messages on Sunday and into this morning. My last reply to her I asked when she was going to speak to me again as it was mental torture waiting for her to reach out. She called and said she certainly isn’t meaning to torture me. We chatted again for over an hour, but nothing really has changed. She says she can’t see a way back for us, and that she’d feel like a mug for taking me back and also insecure. I’m hoping in time that will change, I’m not so sure though. 

[spinstermanquee]

Hey George,

It's hard to say with the minimal amount of information provided, but in general if she ejects your overnight stuff from her place it means the romance has ended for her.

If, as Kwothe suggests, you plan to apologize I would give some time for her to cool down and you think very carefully how you want to proceed.  Obvs, if she spotted your "likes" amongst thousands of posts, she is reviewing/surveilling your social media (shoot she found those needles in that haystack, lots o work).  Is that something you are comfortable with?  Would you be willing to be in her social media cross-hairs for the entire relationship? 

I'm long time married and have only perused my husband's computer or phone at his behest to help him find stuff.  I can't imagine dumping him just because he looked at and liked a picture of a stranger.  But we're not you two and I don't know much except it sounds like she might have low self esteem and was very threatened by the two likes.  How can a photo on the internet be in any way better than an in person loving relationship?

In any case, my final suggestion to you would be don't grovel if you do apologize.  Do a lot of active listening.  And if you really want to be with her, you should not be clicking likes again.  And if you didn't include the part where you perhaps look at *pron* then, I would say, unless she has fun with it too then don't bother her again.

[George82]

9 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Hey George,

It's hard to say with the minimal amount of information provided, but in general if she ejects your overnight stuff from her place it means the romance has ended for her.

If, as Kwothe suggests, you plan to apologize I would give some time for her to cool down and you think very carefully how you want to proceed.  Obvs, if she spotted your "likes" amongst thousands of posts, she is reviewing/surveilling your social media (shoot she found those needles in that haystack, lots o work).  Is that something you are comfortable with?  Would you be willing to be in her social media cross-hairs for the entire relationship? 

I'm long time married and have only perused my husband's computer or phone at his behest to help him find stuff.  I can't imagine dumping him just because he looked at and liked a picture of a stranger.  But we're not you two and I don't know much except it sounds like she might have low self esteem and was very threatened by the two likes.  How can a photo on the internet be in any way better than an in person loving relationship?

In any case, my final suggestion to you would be don't grovel if you do apologize.  Do a lot of active listening.  And if you really want to be with her, you should not be clicking likes again.  And if you didn't include the part where you perhaps look at *pron* then, I would say, unless she has fun with it too then don't bother her again.

Hi, thanks for the reply. She could have scrolled through my full phone, social media etc and found nothing other than these 2 pics. It was wrong of me and I’ve disrespected her. Outwith this though we had such a special thing and a very close and loving relationship. She’s seen these 2 likes and it’s changed how she’s sees me. The 2 likes are out of character for me. I’m not into porn, only fans, going to strippers or anything like that. After our call today I’m cutting off all contact with her for a bit, and give her space and can only hope the time to reflect will lead to her having a change of heart. She did say on the phone that this is the last thing she wants and she hates that I’ve caused this. She said she still loves me but can’t see a way to fix this. 

[boltnrun]

My cousin's husband "liked" lingerie pics of some women on Facebook. He then escalated to posting his availability on a group for married swingers (my cousin does NOT swing). So maybe your ex was concerned you would escalate or that there is more activity you'd been hiding from her.

Why exactly did you "like" those pics anyway?

[George82]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My cousin's husband "liked" lingerie pics of some women on Facebook. He then escalated to posting his availability on a group for married swingers (my cousin does NOT swing). So maybe your ex was concerned you would escalate or that there is more activity you'd been hiding from her.

Why exactly did you "like" those pics anyway?

In all honesty I don’t know what possessed me to like them, I really have no interest in anyone else other than my partner. I don’t think she believes that. I’ve no reason to lie on here or paint a false narrative. It was a mistake and not representative of the type of person or partner that I am. 

[Lambert]

While her reaction might be extreme, you have to consider that maybe she's not the person you thought she was.  

Happy, healthy relationship do have ups and downs, disagreements, disappointments etc.  However, if one person is not willing to work on clearing things up, then it is over.

4 years is a long time to have such a scorched earth reaction.  Were there other problems?  

[Jaunty]

There were obviously other things amiss in your relationship, notably a big hole in the communication department.   She was ready to go, the two of you simply had not been discussing your issues.  This was an "out."  

[George82]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

While her reaction might be extreme, you have to consider that maybe she's not the person you thought she was.  

Happy, healthy relationship do have ups and downs, disagreements, disappointments etc.  However, if one person is not willing to work on clearing things up, then it is over.

4 years is a long time to have such a scorched earth reaction.  Were there other problems?  

No, no other problems. We were very good at communicating and speaking through any issues that arise. I don’t believe she was looking for an out, not with how things had been, the last year was the best of our 4 together. We were becoming closer if anything, she always showered me with love and affection and that only grew throughout the relationship. My actions have really hurt her, I hope in time that pain will subside and she’ll want to make a go of it again. 

[waffle]

12 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

There were obviously other things amiss in your relationship, notably a big hole in the communication department.   She was ready to go, the two of you simply had not been discussing your issues.  This was an "out."  

That's how I see it too.  A four-year relationship over just like that?  Doesn't seem all that solid to me.  

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, George82 said:

In all honesty I don’t know what possessed me to like them, I really have no interest in anyone else other than my partner. I don’t think she believes that. I’ve no reason to lie on here or paint a false narrative. It was a mistake and not representative of the type of person or partner that I am. 

I don't think you lied on here. I just think you're being disingenuous about why you did what you did. Did those pics just pop up on your Facebook feed? And if it was indeed a "mistake" (which means you accidentally clicked the "like" icon in each situation) you could have easily removed the like right away. I've accidentally clicked like and immediately removed it.

I would imagine she's asking herself the same questions I'm asking you. 

The other possibility is she wanted out and seized on this as her excuse. Why else would she be perusing your profile and scrutinizing your activity?

[Lambert]

20 minutes ago, George82 said:

My actions have really hurt her, I hope in time that pain will subside and she’ll want to make a go of it again.

While this may be true, her actions to just cut all ties and end things should not be swept under the rug.  It's very manipulative and not really in line with all you're saying about the relationship. 

Something is amiss.  A couple of likes and it's over-- no forgiveness?  No path to even communicate?  That is not a healthy, happy relationship.  

I am sorry.  I know you are hurting but I think you might not know the whole story here.  She's definitely holding something back. As someone else said, an out.  

[George82]

55 minutes ago, Lambert said:

While this may be true, her actions to just cut all ties and end things should not be swept under the rug.  It's very manipulative and not really in line with all you're saying about the relationship. 

Something is amiss.  A couple of likes and it's over-- no forgiveness?  No path to even communicate?  That is not a healthy, happy relationship.  

I am sorry.  I know you are hurting but I think you might not know the whole story here.  She's definitely holding something back. As someone else said, an out.  

She’s just called there upset saying she doesn’t want to lose me, but she doesn’t know how we can fix it or if she can forget it.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

When you said "IG of a girl I know" did you mean a woman in your social circle, or someone you "know" only on the platform? Just trying to understand the full picture here. 

I get that you're in self-blame mode right now, but along with others I can't help but feel that something more is going on here. Why was your girlfriend going back years into your social media feed to discover this? And to react to two likes this dramatically? I'm sorry, but it doesn't add up.

Best I can surmise, either she has been harboring deep suspicions about your character for longer than you know, or she is right now showing you a side of her own self that doesn't bode well for a successful relationship. 

[Batya33]

How did she find those old “likes?”  Seems to me she was suspicious at the outset. I am actually careful about what I like on posts by men I dated in the past. And my husband never goes on Facebook so it’s not because I don’t want to get caught I simply don’t want the appearance of impropriety or for someone I dated to read into a like. For example I’d never post like if the post was showing off something about the person’s looks or fitness.
 

But I have if it’s about a bikeathon for a charity I support or if it shows him playing a sport with mutual friends or acquaintances or his young kids.  It’s just not worth any concern about being taken the wrong way. 

also I’d avoid following anyone of the opposite sex who focuses on sexy photos

i think the real issue is she was snooping - it’s not like you went out of your way to show here these old posts. 

[boltnrun]

I just realized I was mistaken and this wasn't on Facebook but rather Instagram. But it basically works the same way.

I didn't even know you could search for someone's "likes" on Instagram.

I still believe she wanted out. Or she got some information about you from someone. Are any of these "girls" you follow likely to have contacted her?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, George82 said:

 I am isn’t defined by me liking 2 photos. 

There's a few things going on. One is you know this woman personally as a friend and underwear model.

Secondly because you're connected to your GF on IG, and you've been visiting her profile, this woman came up on your GFs IG 'people you may know' feed. Then your GF researched why. Unfortunately this seems to have brought up past hurts and issues for her.

Also you stated your GF had been betrayed in the past and is quite sensitive on that point.

Unfortunately your GF is second guessing things not because 'it was only 2 pics' but because she's torn and minimizing things made her feel worse.

You're not blocked anymore and at least communicating, but don't impore her to go to therapy, that too could backfire as much as insisting 'it didn't mean anything'.

Maybe to many it doesn't mean anything, but she blocked you and dropped your stuff off so clearly it meant a lot to her. 

You'll have to be patient and let her process things and come to her own conclusions.

[Kwothe28]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't even know you could search for someone's "likes" on Instagram.

 

You cant? There is no search function for something like that. What you can do is to see who is he following. Then click on that profile, click on some picture and see if he liked her post or not. So she actively search that particular woman, clicked on her half naked photos and saw that he liked them. That is a lot of trouble as you need to search for profile, then click on picture and then likes. But its not even the craziest thing Ive seen or heard some women(or men) do about their partners social profile. After all, we here have multiple threads about people demanding partners to unfollow all men or women accounts lol

[boltnrun]

40 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

we here have multiple threads about people demanding partners to unfollow all men or women accounts lol

My brother's former girlfriend actually demanded he speak to no females other than her. She railed at him because I texted him and he responded. And I'm his sister. She also demanded he not communicate in any way with his assistant, which made work difficult.

What I find more concerning is the people who comply with these ridiculous requests.

Anyway, there has to be some underlying reason why the OP's ex went to all this trouble. Someone or something tipped her off. Or she just wanted an excuse to break up.

[George82]

When

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My brother's former girlfriend actually demanded he speak to no females other than her. She railed at him because I texted him and he responded. And I'm his sister. She also demanded he not communicate in any way with his assistant, which made work difficult.

What I find more concerning is the people who comply with these ridiculous requests.

Anyway, there has to be some underlying reason why the OP's ex went to all this trouble. Someone or something tipped her off. Or she just wanted an excuse to break up.

When I spoke to her on the phone earlier this evening I asked her if she still trusted me to which she replied yes. She went on to say she’s lost faith in me and she’s not sure she can get that back. When she seen the photos it made her feel like I’d liked them as there was something missing and that she wasn’t enough for me. That certainly isn’t the case. I asked her if I’d ever made her feel like that in our relationship, she again said No. I’ve always tried my best to make her feel special and loved, every single day. I’m feeling a bit more hopeful after her reaching out again and how the conversation went. I think when she looks at the bigger picture she’ll realise that 4 years is a lot to throw away over 2 likes that were split second reactions. My heads fried with it, good thing is I’ve lost the extra Christmas pounds I put on. 

[boltnrun]

What's the difference between "trust" and "faith"?

[George82]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What's the difference between "trust" and "faith"?

I’m guessing as the likes were on a public profile and I wasn’t hiding anything or being dishonest, then she’s not lost trust in me. Buy maybe faith that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt i.e. liking pics of someone wearing sexy underwear 

[Batya33]

Split second reaction doesn’t matter in this context. You either click or you don’t. When we promise loyalty it’s not “unless I react impulsively to a hot woman in underwear and then leave it as like “. Certainly I’ve deleted likes and posts on social media. I didn’t excuse it as “I reacted out of anger “ - but rather “I allowed myself to get invested in a post that I should have known would upset me and I have to work harder at ignoring or scrolling by.  

the problem is if we do something inappropriate we don’t get to choose how the victim reacts.  Maybe this triggered something deeper for her. 

[Kbtoys]

On 1/9/2023 at 10:57 AM, Batya33 said:

How did she find those old “likes?”  Seems to me she was suspicious at the outset. I am actually careful about what I like on posts by men I dated in the past. And my husband never goes on Facebook so it’s not because I don’t want to get caught I simply don’t want the appearance of impropriety or for someone I dated to read into a like. For example I’d never post like if the post was showing off something about the person’s looks or fitness.

If you want to be toxic, then you just goto settings and check interactions and it shows all likes, posts, etc. you’ve done on the platform.  Relationships are tough and social media really makes it harder with people being able to gain access to each other so easily.  It is especially difficult for people that have been burned in the past, low self esteem, etc.

I think you are taking the right steps to give her space and let her cool off.  She will most likely decide to come back, but you guys have to be transparent about what expectations are required to move forward.  I have had plenty of times I’m wanting to step out of a relationship and currently going through some issues.  
 

She probably wants stability and the comfort of knowing she is the only one in your eyes, but then might feel inadequate since you’re paying attention to other woman.  You just have to reverse the situation and figure out if you would feel comfortable with her liking guys posts in underwear. It may not trigger or bother you, but you don’t know what past issues or insecurities your partner has to deal with.  
 

If it is a reasonable request for you not to like other woman’s pics on social media, then you could possibly move forward, but maybe it is something you don’t consider so important.  Then you have a compatibility issue and she will be able to find someone willing to make the sacrifice.  If you knew liking 2 women’s photos on social media would end your relationship, then would you have done it?  If you still would have liked the posts, then she just needs to find someone that will keep her centered.  
 

I’ve had issues with my girlfriend going out to bars with her friends until early in the morning and she agreed it isn’t appropriate since it triggers something in my past.  I agreed to stop going to gentleman’s clubs because it makes her feel inadequate.  Some relationships are more liberal like swingers, while others may be too restrictive and have to be tracked by gps apps on your phone.  It just depends on what 2 people want out of a relationship.  

So have the tough conversations to decide to continue or walk and wish them well.  4 years is a lot, but imagine a lifetime together and you don’t have the conversations or compromises to make it work. 
 

My situation is every time I get triggered when my girlfriend curses at me and I say I’m done.  I have done it many times and this time it might have put the nail in coffin, but it is one numerous things we’ve discussed.  Some value different characteristics differently in their relationship ships like respect, trust, commitment, etc.  This forum wouldn’t exist if relationships were so simple.  Good luck in your journey and future.  I think if you guys can have the tough conversations and make compromises, then it could work.