Is it really over?

[MissCanuck]

I think she wanted out of the relationship for some other reason and staged this fight as a way out without being honest about what's going on with her. 

I'm sorry, OP. 

[spinstermanquee]

On 1/9/2023 at 10:56 AM, George82 said:

She did say on the phone that this is the last thing she wants and she hates that I’ve caused this. She said she still loves me but can’t see a way to fix this. 

This rings false to me, George.  If someone is in a genuinely happy / healthy relationship 2 likes wouldn't kill 4 years of happiness.  Also her wording is suspect "I hate that YOU made ME break up with you."  If it were the real reason and she really still loved you she wouldn't rub it in like that.  I would not be surprised if she was planning her exit prior to her "digging for evidence" mission.  Any case, sorry you're going through this and wish you healing and health.

Edited to add:  I read MissCanuck's response after I posted this.  Didn't mean to be a parrot!

[Tinydance]

Personally I think she did hugely overreact. Four years is a long time to be in a relationship. You said you don't even watch porn and you don't usually "like" any other women's photos. There are actually many guys, and even women that do watch porn.

I mean, you didn't actually leave any comments for those women or send them any messages, right? You simply "liked" the photo. Are they your friends or they're some kind of celebrities or online social influencers? If they're basically celebrities then to me it seems no different than if let's say your girlfriend was checking out pictures of Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I guess if you actually know those women then she might feel threatened by them. 

In any case, after four years she should have talked about it. She could have told you she doesn't like it and ask you not to do it again. But she just broke up with you, blocked you and dropped off all your stuff. In my opinion that's a pretty extreme reaction.

[George82]

On 1/11/2023 at 1:42 PM, Tinydance said:

Personally I think she did hugely overreact. Four years is a long time to be in a relationship. You said you don't even watch porn and you don't usually "like" any other women's photos. There are actually many guys, and even women that do watch porn.

I mean, you didn't actually leave any comments for those women or send them any messages, right? You simply "liked" the photo. Are they your friends or they're some kind of celebrities or online social influencers? If they're basically celebrities then to me it seems no different than if let's say your girlfriend was checking out pictures of Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I guess if you actually know those women then she might feel threatened by them. 

In any case, after four years she should have talked about it. She could have told you she doesn't like it and ask you not to do it again. But she just broke up with you, blocked you and dropped off all your stuff. In my opinion that's a pretty extreme reaction.

The 2 photos I liked are of a woman I’ve known for 20 years, the last 10 she’s been a model and posts a variety of pics. I’ve liked 2 of them and it’s triggered something in my partner. 
 

We are talking again and taking small steps in the right direction. We went a walk yesterday and it was nice, however when we got back to hers it turned sour as we started going over the same things. She says she wants to forgive me but isn’t sure how she can shake how’s she’s feeling. I hope in time that will change. The 2 photos I like meant nothing to me, but are a big thing to my partner. I accept that I shouldn’t have liked them regardless of whether it was a split second thing or not. Just not sure how we move forward if she can’t get over it. 

[Wiseman2]

You're right to step back. Unfortunately the more you grovel the more she'll unleash her wrath on you. Because you're allowing it. Either she's in or out. Don't give her both 

[left due to request]

What would you do after you are back together?  Sounds to me that she will be treating you like a criminal and the issue will bound to be brought up during any arguments.  Are you willing to go through this all over again if she forgives 🙄 you?

I still think there's something more... Is she supporting you financially?  I only ask since you were thrown out of her place.  Do you have a place of your own?

[George82]

1 hour ago, rsml123 said:

What would you do after you are back together?  Sounds to me that she will be treating you like a criminal and the issue will bound to be brought up during any arguments.  Are you willing to go through this all over again if she forgives 🙄 you?

I still think there's something more... Is she supporting you financially?  I only ask since you were thrown out of her place.  Do you have a place of your own?

It will only work if she can forgive me and move on, it won’t work if she will use it as something to bash me with in the future. At times I feel as if I’ve actually cheated on her. I’m giving her time and space, and she’s telling me she really wants it to work, I have to take her word for it. She’s never lied to me before, I’ve always felt we’ve had an open and honest relationship with each other. Even this scenario, it wasn’t me getting caught out hiding something, I’d rightly or wrongly liked 2 photos that are there for anyone to see. 
 

No, we don’t live together. That’s mainly for financial reasons, as the size of house we’d need for us and our kids is at this moment not something we can afford. I stay at hers a lot when I don’t have my kids, her kids don’t see much of their dad so are there most of the time so easier if I stay at hers. 

[MissCanuck]

Something is off, George. 

A couple days ago she was raging and calling off a 4-year-old relationship over a fairly innocuous “offense .” Now she’s changing her tune but treating you like you cheated on her. 

I think you’re being manipulated to deflect from whatever the truth here actually is. I suspect there is something she isn’t telling you, and she’s making all kinds of noise to distract you from the real reason she’s behaving this way. 

[George82]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Something is off, George. 

A couple days ago she was raging and calling off a 4-year-old relationship over a fairly innocuous “offense .” Now she’s changing her tune but treating you like you cheated on her. 

I think you’re being manipulated to deflect from whatever the truth here actually is. I suspect there is something she isn’t telling you, and she’s making all kinds of noise to distract you from the real reason she’s behaving this way. 

It’s so confusing as we’ve been speaking on the phone once a day since Monday or Tuesday. Last couple of days have been better and we’ve avoided going over old ground. She’s adamant she wants to fix it and still talks about us in a future tense, although I think some of that is force of habit. I just don’t know exactly where I stand, and I’m not pushing her for answers as I know that’s not the right thing to do. 
 

I’ve got my kids staying over until a Tuesday now, so that gives me a perfect chance to withdraw myself from the situation and focus on my children. 

[Betterwithout]

I think the foundation here is her insecurities 
Not only is she blowing up about Likes on IG, but also played detective in the first place.
After 4 years, there is not enough trust in your relationship?
I am not saying it's right to Like images of sexy underwear of someone other than girlfriend, some consider that "emotional cheating", but still.
 

I agree with what  rsmi123 eluded to above...

"sounds to me that she will be treating you like a criminal and the issue will bound to be brought up during any arguments"

But people can heal and change.  Time will tell.
 

[bluecastle]

22 minutes ago, George82 said:

It’s so confusing

From where I sit, for whatever it's worth, it looks like she is making a somewhat reckless power play here. I don't mean that in a conniving way, as if this was all planned, but more like: some part of her, likely a part she doesn't completely understand, was feeling disempowered in your relationship and/or in life and found in something pretty innocuous a toehold to flip the script.

Now she's got your back against the wall, got you feeling like the worst man on planet earth, while she holds all the proverbial chips. You are the criminal, she is the judge. Can she forgive you? Can she not? So long as that question is in the balance, she at least as the illusion of having both hands on the wheel while you sit sulking in a time-out hoping for leniency.

And all over what, exactly? I get that everyone has different thresholds, but two Instagram likes from years ago? Assuming you don't have a history of pushing the line with other women—flirting, leering, seeking attention, whatever—I can't help but ask: Deep inside, when you take a break from berating yourself about that dumb choice, isn't some part of you furious with her? 

Anyhow, so long as your conversation continues to revolve around these two likes I don't think you guys are having a real a conversation about what's going on. What led her into detective mode? What led her to reach immediately for the nuclear option? What, in short, is really going on with her?

Until that wiring is understood and defused—until that can be discussed with compassion and curiosity on both sides—I fear you're both going to be inadvertently blowing hot air into manufactured drama. 

 

 

[George82]

16 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

From where I sit, for whatever it's worth, it looks like she is making a somewhat reckless power play here. I don't mean that in a conniving way, as if this was all planned, but more like: some part of her, likely a part she doesn't completely understand, was feeling disempowered in your relationship and/or in life and found in something pretty innocuous a toehold to flip the script.

Now she's got your back against the wall, got you feeling like the worst man on planet earth, while she holds all the proverbial chips. You are the criminal, she is the judge. Can she forgive you? Can she not? So long as that question is in the balance, she at least as the illusion of having both hands on the wheel while you sit sulking in a time-out hoping for leniency.

And all over what, exactly? I get that everyone has different thresholds, but two Instagram likes from years ago? Assuming you don't have a history of pushing the line with other women—flirting, leering, seeking attention, whatever—I can't help but ask: Deep inside, when you take a break from berating yourself about that dumb choice, isn't some part of you furious with her? 

Anyhow, so long as your conversation continues to revolve around these two likes I don't think you guys are having a real a conversation about what's going on. What led her into detective mode? What led her to reach immediately for the nuclear option? What, in short, is really going on with her?

Until that wiring is understood and defused—until that can be discussed with compassion and curiosity on both sides—I fear you're both going to be inadvertently blowing hot air into manufactured drama. 

 

 

If she is I would be surprised but just now I can’t rule anything out. I’d like to think she’d be better than that, but the more this goes on I’m not so sure. We’ve spoke and I’ve asked on more than one occasion if there’s more to this than the 2 photos. She’s assured me that it’s just this. I’ve always believed her to be open and honest, she never given me reason not to trust her. But maybe I didn’t know her as well as I thought. To be honest there’s so much going through my mind just now I don’t know what to think anymore. 
 

I’ve never given her any reason not to trust me or to be suspicious of me as I’ve never been anything other than devoted to her. She doesn’t see it they way over these 2 photos though. I’m both angry and frustrated, angry at the pain I’ve went through and frustrated that she thinks I’m a totally different person over 2 liked photos. 

[left due to request]

Those two pictures..  Do you have any idea as to why your GF is so upset?  is it because you know the model personally?  Secondly, did she ask you not to do this and explain why ?

Just wanted to start there to see what actually inspired her to confront you.  It sounds odd to me but it could mean something more significant to her.

[George82]

2 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

Those two pictures..  Do you have any idea as to why your GF is so upset?  is it because you know the model personally?  Secondly, did she ask you not to do this and explain why ?

Just wanted to start there to see what actually inspired her to confront you.  It sounds odd to me but it could mean something more significant to her.

I’ve known the model for about 20 years, probably about 10 of that she’s been a model. I’ve never had any history with her other than knowing her from college, then mixing in the same circle for a while a long time ago. Can’t remember the last time I seen her in person and my ex has never met her in person. I think it is because I know her, it seems worse to her, may have been less of a reaction if it was stranger. 
I’ve actually just recalled my ex saying the other day that she thinks I may have sent the likes as signal to her. I think it would take more than 2 likes over a number of years to send a signal. She’s never asked me not to like photos like that before, I guess she just expected it of me. Hand on my heart I’ve not looked at things like this before, and have no interest in it. I wouldn’t even follow the model had I not known her for so long. 

[left due to request]

6 minutes ago, George82 said:

I’ve known the model for about 20 years, probably about 10 of that she’s been a model. I’ve never had any history with her other than knowing her from college, then mixing in the same circle for a while a long time ago. Can’t remember the last time I seen her in person and my ex has never met her in person. I think it is because I know her, it seems worse to her, may have been less of a reaction if it was stranger. 
I’ve actually just recalled my ex saying the other day that she thinks I may have sent the likes as signal to her. I think it would take more than 2 likes over a number of years to send a signal. She’s never asked me not to like photos like that before, I guess she just expected it of me. Hand on my heart I’ve not looked at things like this before, and have no interest in it. I wouldn’t even follow the model had I not known her for so long. 

Are you following anyone else but that model?  Perhaps other models? ex? 

[George82]

7 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

Are you following anyone else but that model?  Perhaps other models? ex? 

No, I don’t follow anyone like that, other models, or woman I don’t know. 

[boltnrun]

What kind of "signal" does she think you were sending?

Sorry but that is a very odd thought process.

[George82]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What kind of "signal" does she think you were sending?

Sorry but that is a very odd thought process.

I know, I think these are the thoughts going through her head and making the situation worse. The thing is my IG is full of photos of me and my ex, I’m hardly going to be sending anyone signals. If I was surely I’d have liked more than 2 photos over a year apart. 

[left due to request]

6 minutes ago, George82 said:

No, I don’t follow anyone like that, other models, or woman I don’t know. 

Well, that's kinda odd..  then why only that person? If you are only following her, wouldn't it be easy for her to assume that she's special to you?  I guess in a sense that's what she is 'sensing'?  Did she ever ask you why you were following her?

[George82]

12 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

Well, that's kinda odd..  then why only that person? If you are only following her, wouldn't it be easy for her to assume that she's special to you?  I guess in a sense that's what she is 'sensing'?  Did she ever ask you why you were following her?

No she never asked me, but had wondered. She popped up on her ‘people you mak know’ and it lead her to have a nosy. She scrolled through a few years of hundreds of photos and found 2 I liked. Now I’m not saying that makes it right it was only 2, I’ve admitted it was wrong of me to like the photos. As I’ve said before I’ve nothing to gain from lying on here, I genuinely don’t recall hitting like on the photos. I did though and I can’t change that. 
I guess she could assume that if she’s the only model I followed she’d be special, but I followed her from before she started her modelling career. I’ve never fancied her or been interested in her in anyway. 

[left due to request]

4 minutes ago, George82 said:

No she never asked me, but had wondered. She popped up on her ‘people you mak know’ and it lead her to have a nosy. She scrolled through a few years of hundreds of photos and found 2 I liked. Now I’m not saying that makes it right it was only 2, I’ve admitted it was wrong of me to like the photos. As I’ve said before I’ve nothing to gain from lying on here, I genuinely don’t recall hitting like on the photos. I did though and I can’t change that. 
I guess she could assume that if she’s the only model I followed she’d be special, but I followed her from before she started her modelling career. I’ve never fancied her or been interested in her in anyway. 

Dude, I don't think it's the 'likes'.  I think she may think the model is special to you.  Did you unfollow her after this?  Are you willing to?   Also what were they pictures of?  Was the model semi-nude?  Face shot?  All these could contribute.

I think it's a jealousy at play here at the least.  I'm not sure if it's the likes but the fact that she's the only model you were following is making her wonder.  Anyhow, that is still not an excuse for her behavior so something else must be contributing.  She is probably too ashamed to speak to you about it since that's just simple self-preservation for dignity.  Maybe the model has legs she can't compete with... maybe the face.. who knows...

Either way, I think your senses should be telling you that she wants to leave you.  Keep confronting her with questions at this time may even drive her further away from you.  Who know, her kids father wants to visit the kids for couple days and she didn't want to tell you?  I would stop the guessing game and wait for her to reach out to you.  Go spend some quality times with your kids.

[George82]

3 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

Dude, I don't think it's the 'likes'.  I think she may think the model is special to you.  Did you unfollow her after this?  Are you willing to?   Also what were they pictures of?  Was the model semi-nude?  Face shot?  All these could contribute.

I think it's a jealousy at play here at the least.  I'm not sure if it's the likes but the fact that she's the only model you were following is making her wonder.  Anyhow, that is still not an excuse for her behavior so something else must be contributing.  She is probably too ashamed to speak to you about it since that's just simple self-preservation for dignity.  Maybe the model has legs she can't compete with... maybe the face.. who knows...

Either way, I think your senses should be telling you that she wants to leave you.  Keep confronting her with questions at this time may even drive her further away from you.  Who know, her kids father wants to visit the kids for couple days and she didn't want to tell you?  I would stop the guessing game and wait for her to reach out to you.  Go spend some quality times with your kids.

I unfollowed her straight away, the 2 photos were of her in lingerie. She’d posted many photos like that. I unfollowed her straight away without my ex asking me too. Through conversation she has admitted seeing the photos led her to feeling insecure and that maybe something was missing from our relationship that led me to liking the photo. That couldn’t be further from the truth and I’ve always showered her with lots of love and affection, every single day. Which makes it worse that she now doubts me. 

[left due to request]

On 1/13/2023 at 3:34 PM, George82 said:

Through conversation she has admitted seeing the photos led her to feeling insecure and that maybe something was missing from our relationship that led me to liking the photo. That couldn’t be further from the truth

So there's your answer for her reactions.  It really wasn't about the 2 liked pictures was it?  I wouldn't know how to fix that.  I simply wouldn't know what to do if I were you but at least you know the problem.  Logically I would let her know that I deleted her from the app and she meant nothing to me, but I'm sure you already have done that...  I hope time is the answer...

[LootieTootie]

How old are you both? Just going from your side of the story... I think your girlfriend's reaction says more about her than about you or the relationship.

I think you need to admit to yourself that she may be a bit high maintenance. People who get involve with very insecure partners do a lot of reassurance and coddling (not cuddling). 

She needs to own up to her overreaction and her insecurities. You can't fix that for her. She has to do it on her own.

[MissCanuck]

On 1/13/2023 at 9:34 PM, George82 said:

that maybe something was missing from our relationship

So here it is. 

She feels something is missing from your relationship, and is projecting her doubts on to you. I knew this wasn't really about random "likes." She isn't sure you're the one for her and it likely started long before she went digging for a reason to blame you.