Maybe I'm Crazy???

[MarjingaR]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3+ years now and we live together, we are both older people in our mid fifties but act like we are 18! I met him and instantly felt like I have known him all my life, everything about him is like if I were a man I would be him! He told me he loved me early on and said he felt it was love at first sight and he believed it because of a story he shared with me. I realized that I had a different type of love for him, deep, very deep and I never felt this for anyone ever. It's like if he's not around I can't breathe...anyway at first it was really great and I had been too

ld things about him that chased several women away and he thought I probably would too but that none of it was true. I stayed, I believed what he said. Then I would see things online like dating profiles, he said they were old and yes, he opened a couple but all the rest his ex created and it would take forever to find them all and close them and he wouldn't know where to start. Then i realized I was blocked on his social media, I made a fuss and he added me to a couple and they are with limitations like Facebook it's made private so that I can't see his friends and TikTok I can't be on as well as Instagram. I was on one and freaked out because he had literally hundreds of girls and actually like 2500! He had his profile say single and he said it has always said that for reasons I'd rather not get into. Well then I saw he added my cousin who happens to be beautiful and has a great body, ok fine, but then I see where every morning he'd say,"good morning beautiful", and on instagram, " you are absolutely beautiful", well of course he got pissed when I said something because he doesn't say that stuff to me. Then I used his tracfone because mine was dead or something, anyway, a text came in from a  woman saying he made her smile. I asked him and he denied it. I called this woman and she said he just wanted phone sex that they never hooked up or anything! Then I found an account and spoke to a girl who said he was calling her and told me all sorts of stuff...I cried like a baby and asked him after I cursed him out. He says his ex had his phone for a few days and she did it and the guy was a friend of hers pretending to be him. Okay remind you, he takes his phone EVERYWHERE with him and I highly doubt he'd be so calm without his phone for even a day let alone 3.His phone is locked, always on silent, always turned face down, and when he texts sometimes I can see but he's not texting, when i do walk in he jumps sky high and he starts jabbering really fast about stupid stuff and as he's doing that I am walking towards him and he's closing stuff down and then hurrys and puts it down. I ask what he was doing and he says something and I question what he just did and he says I am seeing things! I have found about 8 dating site profiles and saw naked pictures of him  and newer pictures because he ex started them and look they have old pictures. Well I found 4 with ewer pictures, maybe more and one was taken right in my kitchen because you can see my stuff on top of the cabinets. If I call he doesn't answer and if I text he won't respond for hours. I am just losing it! I love him so much and don't want to lose him and my gut tells me he's cheating or at the very least talking with girls. I thought maybe sex sites because we haven't had any intimacy in over 8 or more months and he used to grab my butt or kiss me but nothing. We don't go anywhere and he says he has asked me to go to dinner and I always change my mind, 2x and yes I did change my mind. There is so much more and I do mean alot but I don't want to put every little detail out there. I lost my youngest daughter 6/20/2020 and my mom 12/18/2020, I just couldn't bare to lose him too. Please tell me what your thoughts are...I feel bad asking because he has told me he swears to God on his son that he is a faithful, loyal man and he would never do anything like that but I truly feel as though I am losing my mind. I feel like he's texting with women and maybe even meeting up with them. The thing I hate is when I ask something and he always has an explanation and most of the time it doesn't sound like it could be real. Or when he says he didn't say that or I'm crazy and I heard wrong etc. I just feel like if you don't love me anymore please don't use me just go. He always sees women on TV and says how hot they are or females he has known and how beautiful they are and yet he never tells me that and when ask if he thinks i'm attractive he says he thinks I'm very pretty. I sent him a picture the other night and he says you are absolutely beautiful and I said do you know who this is? He actually didn't at first but why say that? The funny thing the texts Ive seen on line say that and said no it's not him and look I don't talk like that!!! Excuse me but yeah ya do!!!!

[Kwothe28]

You are dating "a player". Somebody literally impossible to settle because he always seeks something to stick his D into it. No wonder he chased every other woman, because every other woman would be repulsed by that kind of behavior. Not you though. You tolerate him hiding his social media, lies about his dating profiles and even other women telling you how he demands phone sex from them. And then accept him gaslighting you about stuff like that and how you are crazy, how his ex has some elaborate plot to make him look bad etc.

Stop believing a liar and a cheater! Walk away from all that and live your own life. This is not a healthy relationship and you wont ever get what you want from that man. 

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, MarjingaR said:

d things about him that chased several women away and he thought I probably would too but that none of it was true. I stayed, I believed what he said.

I'm so very sorry about your losses and my sympathies!

A person who wants to be with you wouldn't say this except maybe as a silly joke in passing.  I am 56 by the way and my husband and I reconnected and started dating in our late 30s.  Maybe you felt so connected to him because part of you knew he was a challenge to win over and make him yours? No he is not being honest with you as far as exclusively dating you.  He is not a person who has character and integrity and his personal values justify acting in a promiscuous way with strangers while dating you - whether he actually acts on it or not.  If you two had an open relationship or were turned on by being on sex sites and chatting up "girls" then sure - I would defer to you - but you want someone who is only dating you and only wants to date you.  That is not this person.  And I think you had a feeling he was not from the beginning. 

Clinging to him out of neediness is understandable given what you've been through.  But it's not a good look nor would it be fun if you got an STD.  Please walk away and take care.

[DarkCh0c0]

Gaslighting. He's gaslighting you. That's what's happening.

Gaslighting works for him cause it makes you think you're crazy and it's all in your head.

You're not crazy. But, you need to walk away asap. By staying with him you show him that you're willing to put up with his lying and cheating. By staying and believing in his lies, you show him that he's your only source of truth and that you have no bone/character/self-esteem.

I'm sorry. You need to run away from such a man. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Just stop talking to him and run. He's full of red flags. Don't look back. Have a confidential exit plan and move out.

[smackie9]

So you have known about this for awhile and turned a blind eye pretty much because you are grieving from your losses. Sorry but no one can make this issue go away...this is the reality. He's a player. He warned you but you thought you were special...well that's what makes him a player...women swoon over him and they all turn a blind eye too just to get his attention. A cheating narcissist. Like the other posters said, he's using manipulation, denial, gaslighting. You are not crazy, but he wants you to think you are. He's been doing this all his life. There's no therapy, medication to fix him. This is who he is.

I suggest you find a close friend to confide in or seek out grief counseling. Talk it out with them. Once you get your thoughts cleared, you can start making the steps to get out. You just need to find your self worth and confidence....go find yourself, be independent. 

So sorry for your losses. I totally get it, it's been a tough couple of years for everyone. 

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter and your mother.

Staying in this phony relationship will not help you feel better. It will make everything worse.

Please make plans to move out or, if it's your home, give him notice to move out. That way you won't have to put up with being lied to and cheated on and he will be free to message and pursue as many random women as he pleases.

[Tinydance]

Ummmm how is he a faithful and loyal man when it's very clear he's lying to you a lot and he definitely is talking to other women? You have proof of at least two women that he was talking to romantically and/or sexually. The reason why he doesn't want you on any of his social media is because he's obviously talking to other women there. It's so disrespectful to you to be commenting on your cousin's photos how beautiful she is! If my partner did that, just the cousin thing alone would make me reconsider the relationship.

You don't honestly believe anything he's saying? Why would his ex have his phone? Even if she did have his phone, he'd need to have seen her for that. So let's just hypothetically say his ex took his phone, then on top of everything else he was also seeing his ex! But I don't think his ex actually had his phone. That sounds like a complete load of bologney.

I'm very sorry for your family losses but trust me, getting rid of this guy is no great loss. There is a lot of evidence he's cheating on you and he's not even trying to hide it that much.

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry for your losses, and my heart goes out to you.

Do you believe that anyone here can give you a trick to transform someone who is dishonest and disloyal into someone who is honest and loyal?

You get to decide whether this man's treatment of you is good enough for you.

Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, MarjingaR said:

  I lost my youngest daughter 6/20/2020 and my mom 12/18/2020, I just couldn't bare to lose him too. 

Sorry this is happening and condolences. How long have you lived together? Whose place is it or do you co-lease or co-own? 

Do you both work and have roughly the same income and assets profile?

The first step is to go to your physician and speak frankly and request STD testing. What you came across may be the tip of the iceberg.

Right now you're too afraid of more loses, but eventually staying with someone who has a double life that puts your health and finances in jeopardy will become unbearable.

Don't get involved in cat and mouse games. You already know enough to decide how to go forward. Talk to trusted friends and family. Be honest about your concerns.

Once you can calm down and reflect and regroup, you'll be able to extricate yourself from a soul killing and painful situation.

[spinstermanquee]

11 hours ago, MarjingaR said:

my gut tells me he's cheating

Listen to the gut, the gut knows all!

I hope you will lose this loser.  It might be painful, but it won't be nearly as painful as rinse lather repeat for the next however many years.  He won't change.

Sorry you are going through this.  Hugs to you Marjinga...

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @DarkCh0c0He is gaslighting you.  He's deceitful, sneaky, tricky and you can't trust him.  You need to dump him NOW. 

I'm sorry for your loss regarding your daughter and mother. 

[MissCanuck]

Your gut is right, OP. This man is a cheater and has been all along. 

Don't bother asking for explanations or trying to make this better. He does not have even basic respect for you and needs to be out of you life immediately. 

I would also seek therapy, if you haven't already. You have suffered some tremendous losses and could use some compassionate support to get you to a better place.